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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it worth being in this relationship?

68 replies

MotherofDragons48 · 02/02/2018 21:11

Have been with OH for 5 years and have separate homes. He's very set in his ways but only works two days a week where as I am full time but I only see him at weekends. He comes over to my place mostly every week and keeps saying he's going to clean his place up so I can go there ( only been round a handful of times since we got together) . I cook for myself and my son during the week and usually freeze what's left over so OH to take it to work for lunch. This week however despite my having the week from hell I haven't seen him! He could have waited 30 mins after fininshing his shopping and given me a lift home from work but instead decided
to get home asap to avoid the traffic! To add insult to injury he didn't bother to ask if I needed anything! My son was in hospital last week and all I got was a one line message saying he was in the right place and sure the docs would sort it! I'm just not sure if he's actually that bothered and if I should continue investing in this relationship?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 12:00

People don't smoke in pubs and restaurants anymore...not in the UK anyway.

It does sound like he puts minimum effort into this relationship though.

...about time to himself...he only works 2 days a week. Is he complaining abour the 2 days he goes to work or the 2 days he sees you?

He seems like a man very set in his ways....

Rudgie47 · 03/02/2018 12:04

Why are you wasting your time with him OP? Hes bullshitting you, people dont smoke in pubs and clubs anymore like the person above says.
He sounds like Victor Meldrew, you are so much better off by yourself than with this tosser.

Original poster

MotherofDragons48 · 03/02/2018 12:14

He was actually talking about the two days with me at the time! He says he needs a day or so to recover from the two days that he works then he has things to do at home. I think I've buried my head in the sand for so long and I thought things would change. The sex is okay and it's nice to have someone to spend the weekend with (actually it's just the Saturday night, he goes home Sunday evening as I have to be up early on Monday morning) . I don't need someone that takes over and I am financially independent. I can take care of myself but is it so wrong to want someone who occasionally says "sit back, chill, let me do that for you" .

OP posts:

Huskylover1 · 03/02/2018 12:23

5 years and you're not married, not engaged, not even living together....nothing is going to change in this relationship, so if you are happy with a BF that you only see once a week, carry on, but if you want a committed life partner, you need to move on.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/02/2018 12:35

Two days at work, two days to recover from work (what kind of work?
18 hour shifts, heavy labour? Or just, you know, work, like most of us do 5/7 of the week?) followed by three days to potter about and do the chores. Sounds like a completely ideal lifestyle. Add a mug kindly person to provide lunches and occasional sex and he really has it made. You, meanwhile... well, don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes, especially when we've come out of an abusive relationship and the next guy along seems so much nicer by comparison.

I hope your poor boy is a whole lot better soon.

HonkyWonkWoman · 03/02/2018 13:33

I really can't see what happiness you are getting from this "relationship".
And if you're not happy (which you don't seem to be).
Get away from this whinging, drain on your life.
God! I'd rather be on my own and go out with my mates than this.......... 🤔nothing person.

DontDIY · 03/02/2018 13:50

In a nutshell, no

He sounds pretty draining, very selfish, and incredibly dull.

Mary1935 · 03/02/2018 13:57

He sounds very self centred and a bit mean. Does he have a problem spending money? Does he ever treat you? It only sounds like a 25% relationship. You don't seem to get much out of it. It's all about him and his needs and difficulties. He has a lot of those!!!
What do you want?
I wish you well.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/02/2018 13:57

He sounds a lot like my (ASD) OH to be honest. It's only because I have no children at home that I can cope with the detachment. Is he otherwise affectionate OP? Because I think he might just be 'Mr Set in His Ways' and you can do better than that (as can I, I just don't have the energy at present).

fc301 · 03/02/2018 13:59

Urgh! He sounds like a massive ball-ache.

Original poster

MotherofDragons48 · 03/02/2018 15:38

He is affectionate when he's here! He's actually quite generous with gifts but I have told him that I want his time not things! He's now saying he can't understand why suddenly I can't accept him as he is the way he does with me?! I have bent over backwards for him and he's making it sound like he's a victim. Unreal

OP posts:

Original poster

MotherofDragons48 · 03/02/2018 15:41

Told him to come round and get his stuff and leave my keys.....he says he pop round tomorrow. If I meant that much why isn't he here right now? Hmmmmmmm

OP posts:

Huskylover1 · 03/02/2018 16:23

He doesn't sound like he has much "Ooomph"

Clutterbugsmum · 03/02/2018 16:37

Spend tonight going round your house and pack all his things in black sacks by the door ready for him to collect when he drops your key off.

I would also tell him to bring any belongings you have at his and give his key back.

Original poster

MotherofDragons48 · 03/02/2018 16:48

I don't want to be a mug and be a poor role model to my son. His father is an excuse machine and I wanted to be better than this. This isn't a relationship, it's a joke and he's still messaging saying I'm being unfair and it's not his fault etc. I deserve better but why am I hurting so much? Why on earth would I have put up with this and go back for more? Why m I so upset ?

OP posts:

Original poster

MotherofDragons48 · 03/02/2018 16:49

Everything that you guys have said is right btw !

OP posts:

Itsalottery · 03/02/2018 16:53

I have just come out of a very similar relationship where it felt too one sided. One of my main reasons for deciding to not put up with it any more was because of the role model I was giving my daughter. It hurt like he'll though as I loved him a lot. You will hurt, 5 years is a long time but presumably you've been feeling this way for a while so be strong. X

Original poster

MotherofDragons48 · 03/02/2018 17:27

I'm trying Itsalottery! I almost feel like I'm.letting people down, letting him down? I feel so pathetic but when I was sat in the hospital at my sons bedside I honestly thought he'd turn up ? He didn't.

OP posts:

Sn0tnose · 03/02/2018 20:24

He's now saying he can't understand why suddenly I can't accept him as he is the way he does with me?!

It's very easy for him to accept you the way you are because, up until now, you've been OK with everything being on his terms. You've made things very easy for him. There's nothing for him to find unacceptable. He comes and goes as he pleases. He spends one night a week with you. He sounds like he has minimal interaction with your son. And on top of that, you do a lot of his cooking for him. What's he bringing to the table? I think I'd reply saying 'The way you are and the way you behave is no longer acceptable to me.'

Original poster

MotherofDragons48 · 03/02/2018 22:24

I actually replied with "what's not to accept?" Lol Haven't heard from for a few hours and planning to be at the gym when he comes round tomorrow. I guess it's a week of remembering the good times -there were actually a few- and eating ice cream and sobbing into my pillow then carry on with life. It's going to be hard though. I know I sound incredibly stupid but I thought he'd change. Then again, with me enabling his behaviour why should he? As a lot of you have said, what does he bring to the table? I really wanted him to be a bigger part of my sons life but when I sat there last week and the truth hit me it was like being slapped, it really stung. Then when he said last night that he thought about giving me a lift home but thought it would be quicker for me to get the train, we'll yeah it would be but after not seeing me for two bloody weeks don't you think I would appreciate a gesture like that? He clearly doesn't know me

OP posts:

Primarkismyonlyoption · 03/02/2018 22:51

Your perception of what youre losing is flawed op. The thought is worse than the reality.
Once hes gone you will look back and realise what a non relationship it was. Dont wait 5 more years and waste your life xx

Original poster

MotherofDragons48 · 03/02/2018 23:17

Yeah that bothers me and has for a while. He says he's never had a problem with us moving in together, just that I'm not in a position to go into a joint mortgage and he's paid his off so wouldn't really want to take on another. If I waited until my son was old enough to get his place and moved in nothing would be in my name just his. No security or anything! I'm being taken for a mug

OP posts:

Primarkismyonlyoption · 03/02/2018 23:27

Yes. Sorry op. I had a future faker for 2 years. All on his terms. Same indifference to my kids. Waste of life. You deserve more.

Begrateful · 03/02/2018 23:36

The lack of support he showed when your son was in hospital is concerning. He doesn't deserve your time - bin him.

cherryontopp · 04/02/2018 00:30

This isn't a relationship- its an arrangement.

After 5 years, not moving in together, seeing eachother once a week, hardly any interaction with your son...thoughtless behaviour like not offering to pick you up or get you any food shopping etc...and i bet this isn't the half of it.
He's giving the mininal effort possible and you've allowed it.
Now because of your son being at hospital and hes total lack of concern, its made you realise this how one sided it is.

If he says your unfair etc just say the penny has finally dropped

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