V young baby... dh wants to help but his idea of helping is very different to mine... help!!

[Mossie]

Our first baby is three weeks old on Wednesday.

As you'd expect, his sleeping is erratic, and the last 48 hours he's been either bfing, or crying, and only sleeping when he is latched on and crying as soon as he's put down again.

Last night we reached the end of our tether and dh suggested angrily that he could not possibly be hungry, he didn't need changing, he didn't stop crying if I just picked him up, so why couldn't we just let him cry and check on him every fifteen minutes to see if he was okay?

When I said I just couldn't do it, and if it took me feeding him constantly to keep him quiet then I would do it, he said, "if you're not prepared to consider my way, I just can't help you."

Dh thinks I read way too many articles and books and to be fair, I probably do!, but he is the other extreme, won't read anything, just picks up snippets of advice from friends / relatives and takes the bits he likes...

I want to know a couple of things. Firstly am I being unreasonable to disagree with what he wants to do? Secondly, what would be a reasonable level of support to expect (we have no other children, just pets, and he has gone back to work today after paternity leave)?

And finally, how do I ask him to give me this support? Atm, I get a lot of sarcky "well you work out what you want me to do and then just tell me and I'll do everything you say," so how do I ask him for help in a way that doesn't make me sound like I'm ordering him about?

Sorry this is long!

just order him about. If he is going to complete absolve himself of responsibility the way he has done, then ordering about it what he leaves himself with. Do it nicely and say please.

You are right not to leave a tiny baby screaming for hourrs. tell him to talk to someone who has had a baby in this century before he starts saying he's tried to help.

men like to solve problems. that's why they get frustrated when women won't do what they suggest. They see it as us obstructing the solving of the problem.

Whereas we weren't really looking for solutions, as such, we were just offloading.

The first six weeks is hard, I think it is fifth stage labour, to be honest.

Sorry your having a hard time mossie

I agree with you about not letting him just cry. At 3 weeks old he's far to young to be left to do this.
Is he crying between feeds? Could it be that he has wind or is thirsty?
Has your dh gone back to work full time? I think with regards to supposrt from him he should take over for a while when he gets in from work to allow you a bit of 'you' time, even if its just to lie in the bath for half an hour to give yourself a break.

i think the first 16 weeks are hard!
i would go with your instincts and 3 weeks is so tiny that they really do need to have all their needs met whether that be feeding or just being held. Can you try again to beg dh to read whatever book it is that you mainly believe in? men often feel very pushed out so getting him onside will be invaluable for you both for the future.
it does get easier. x

Those first weeks are so hard aren't they? Very small babies need to be held, as well as feeding and changing, and picking them up and cuddling them meets an important need. Sounds like your DH is feeling a bit overwhelmed (not excusing him tho ). One of the most useful things that DH did in the first few weeks was to walk our baby arpund in a sling for a few hours in the evening so that I could get a few hrs sleep. Also cooking food for me
(even if this was just sticking a pizza in the oven).

He has gone back full time.

Ds falls asleep at the breast, and is fine while he is there, the second I put him down... cue crying and then screaming. Very occasionally I manage to move him so quietly from the breast after he's been asleep 10 mins or more, and swaddle him, and - I know you're not meant to but - use a dummy,and he will sleep, about two hours or three in a 24 hour period. He wasn't always like this it started about three days ago.

It is difficult, because he is unconsolable except on the breast and of course dh doesn't have any. So what can I get him to do to help?

mossie don't beat yourself up about the dummy. if it means he can relax with the sucking but not actually need to feed then it can only help. maybe dh could put him in a sling as mae suggestes to try and get ds bonded with him so he will settle easier with him as time goes by.
I know it doesn't help but the first 6 weeks imo are a total right off. think i spent most of them in bed with ds just b/feeding and napping. dh pottered about house and made all meals and screened phone calls etc.and basically asked me every 2 mins if there was anything he could do

My DP was exactly the same!
I think they just feel so useless, they rack their brains to find solutions that we then don't agree with and that makes them feel even more surplus to requirements.

My DP did nappy changes and changing clothes for bed but most of the evening my DS was feeding. Actually my DS would be happy for a while if I passed him very carefully to my DP's shoulder after a feed.
I think reassuring your DH what he's feeling and what is happening in your relationship is common.

It does get easier to be honest we just kept going and eventually came out the other side.

Do you think your DS could have wind or colic? Maybe try Infacol before each feed or every 3-4 hours if he doesn't stop feeding!

It sounds like Baby is overtired like his mum!
I think the idea of dh walking around with the sling could be good.
It is totally typical and understandable that your dh is probably a bit left out and feeling useless...but he isn't useless though.
Yes just give him clear instructions, never worry that you are ordering him about, I think that's ok. I order my dh about at this stage and he is captain caveman but likes to be given jobs. If I don't ask specifically then he hasn't a clue.

You can also ask for him to be very emotionally supportive for you just now as you need that. This stage won't last. It does challenge everything the first time.

If you can make it, go out walking -the baby will sleep in the pram and the fresh air will be good for you and him and doggys. The more he sleeps the more he will sleep. if they sleep well in the day, they sleep well at night too. You'll get there, it is still very early days.

I second the advice about the dummy, I was very anti too, but gave DS one at about 7 weeks as he just wanted to suck all the time, we would spend hours getting him off to sleep with a finger in his mouth, or with me trying to feed him even though he wasn't hungry. An occupational therapist I know who works with children said to me that it helps them find their centre if that makes sense

Sucking is so calming for babies, so don't feel guilty about using a dummy. The only reason you might want to avoid one is if it was interfering with breastfeeding, but it doesn't sound like you have any problems in that department! DS never really took a dummy (no matter how hard I tried), but is a thumbsucker (and it's a lot harder to take a thumb away...)

I'd use a dummy and not feel guilty about it.

mossie, do you have an electric swing?
I really sympathise - my dd1 was the colicky baby from hell but buying a nasty-looking Graco swing for her when she was 4 weeks old really helped us all. She'd happily sit in it or sleep in it for quite long stretches of time.
I think some babies are just like that, not ready to be out just yet IYKWIM. And by all means use a dummy if it helps, that's what they're there for.

lol geekgirl at not ready to be out....soooo true

Hello, a dad here.

I'd say if the chap is anything like me, and your baby has been unsettled and crying for 48 hours, his nerves are probably shot to hell. He'll be feeling cranky and irritable and probably a bit useless too. So realise anything extreme he says will be the frustration talking.

I must say that in our house we have done exactly as your husband suggested. If the baby is screaming for hours and hours, but we've checked his nappy and his other comfort levels, he's been fed, he's had umpteen cuddles, but he's still screaming, and we're both at the end of our tether, we have left the baby to cry for ten minutes before trying again. I think it's better for baby to do this than to try and parent when you're in tears (her) or close to punching the wall (me).

With our first I did spend a lot of time pushing the little one around the block in the pram, to give my wife an hour or two's sleep.

I would second the view that as a man you often don't know what the best thing is to do and when, so to be told (politely) is often welcome.

Mossie - the first few weeks are so hard, especially with your first when it's all new for both of you. Will he sleep if he's laid on one of your chests? When either of our have been unsettled, that's often worked, and is actually easier for DH to do as they dont' smell of milk!

Parenting together develops with time, and it's tricky when your experiences in the early weeks are very different. Nothing very useful to add really, but just wanted to say that your post probably could have been written by a lot of us with newborns, and that you will get through it. I think men do find it easier to leave a baby to cry, or maybe just assume it's probably hungry so not their problem (if you're BF). You may well have to tell him specifically what you want him to do, which is really difficult when you're not sure yourself.

Mossie
Do you think he's feeling a bit surplus to requirements? It can be hard for the dad if the baby only seems to settle with mum.
Could you try letting have a go at settling the baby on his own? You may have to sit and clench your teeth a bit while he fannies about doing it all wrong the first few times, though.
My dh always got the best results by letting the baby snuggle down on his (dh's) bare chest while they both listened to music.
He says now that he treasures the memory of those times.

Memories...!! My son was like that. I think that coming out of the womb is the biggest change we are ever likely to experience. Not one thing about their environment is the same, except for his Mum. I feel that it may be a bit scary when they are not being held by their mum. That said, you are still getting used to being parents, and nobody knows everything right off the bat - all babies are different, and once you figure out what works, they go and change . Seriously though, most of parenting is instinct, and I'm not convinced dads have that as much as we do (sorry dads). You have to do what you think is best good luck!!

Mossie - my ds was exactly the same at that age. He would not sleep anywhere except on my chest or in the buggy if it was moving (sometimes). Awake he was screaming or feeding. (He was a real shock after two very placid dds!) It really does get better and in order to stay sane I think you really do have to give up trying to squeeze him into any 'what babies this age should be doing' routine. Some babies are just tricky little things and won't sleep alone at first. If you are desperate there really isn't anything wrong with letting him fall asleep on your chest because you are getting some sleep too then (best if you are propped up on a few pillows yourself I found). Don't worry about dummies - whatever works and if he takes it your in luck (ds wouldn't). I never had much luck with controlled crying myself but in anycase I think 3 weeks horribly young to try it. As for your dh it is probably lack of sleep and the shock of realising the power these tiny little creatures have to wreak havoc! Also men listening to mates is never a good idea as they all tend to like to make out to each other that they never stopped being the ones in charge, IYSWIM!
If it helps, my ds has grown into the loveliest lad - it's like he got it all out of his system in the first few months!

Mossie, I can relate to everything you say.

Your not being unreasonable.

Ask your DH to take your DS out for a walk when he gets home from work. Or ask him to babysit on saturday afternoon whilst you have some time to yourself.

I give me DP orders. Its the only way I can get him to do anything LOL! I ask him politely and he does it, so maybe say 'would you mind changing his nappy whilst I get on with something else?'

I'm smiling to myself becuase I know exactly how you must be feeling. Me and DP still have silly little arguments becuase we disagree on things.

Is your DS full with just breastmilk, we had to top DD up with formula. Or maybe he has colic?

mossie-sorry youre having a hard time of it.men do tend to feel useless at this stage i think.but IME it all starts to change around 6 weeks when they start smiling and looking around etc.dd3 (who is nearly 8 weeks already)saves her best smiles for dp now,and they were 'chatting' yesterday and she laughed for the first time.this is all so different to a few weeks ago.

babies do need to be close to their mums for the first few weeks,and if your instinct is telling you to cuddle your baby then do it.

has your dh got anybody from his own generation he can talk to about things like this?

Just a quicky, thank you everyone for your advice and help, will post properly tomorrow but ds has gone down to sleep again so going to eat our tea, just wanted to say thanks xxx

Mossie, I'm in a similar situation - 2 week old baby (tomorrow) and she won't settle in the evenings at all. I've started using a dummy because she seems to have such a strong suck reflex at nighttimes that she gets really worked up if she doesn't have anything in her mouth. Like you, felt awful about doing it, but it does seem to give her a lot of comfort. I spent ages reading up on stuff about dummies and apparently the suck reflex is much stronger in some newborns than others.

As others have said, 3 weeks is way, way too young to leave him to cry.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time of it, and I hope things get better soon.