V young baby... dh wants to help but his idea of helping is very different to mine... help!!

[Mossie]

Our first baby is three weeks old on Wednesday.

As you'd expect, his sleeping is erratic, and the last 48 hours he's been either bfing, or crying, and only sleeping when he is latched on and crying as soon as he's put down again.

Last night we reached the end of our tether and dh suggested angrily that he could not possibly be hungry, he didn't need changing, he didn't stop crying if I just picked him up, so why couldn't we just let him cry and check on him every fifteen minutes to see if he was okay?

When I said I just couldn't do it, and if it took me feeding him constantly to keep him quiet then I would do it, he said, "if you're not prepared to consider my way, I just can't help you."

Dh thinks I read way too many articles and books and to be fair, I probably do!, but he is the other extreme, won't read anything, just picks up snippets of advice from friends / relatives and takes the bits he likes...

I want to know a couple of things. Firstly am I being unreasonable to disagree with what he wants to do? Secondly, what would be a reasonable level of support to expect (we have no other children, just pets, and he has gone back to work today after paternity leave)?

And finally, how do I ask him to give me this support? Atm, I get a lot of sarcky "well you work out what you want me to do and then just tell me and I'll do everything you say," so how do I ask him for help in a way that doesn't make me sound like I'm ordering him about?

Sorry this is long!

Well I did say I'd reply properly - thank you everyone for your advice. Mil has been a star and is able to settle him when no one else can, I think she just has a bit more patience than either of us tbh!

I am feeling a lot less guilty about the dummy, as he is certainly wetting and soiling enough nappies to show he's drinking / "eating" enough. Also tomorrow he will be weighed, which should be reassuring, also he has put on weight I can tell just by looking at him.

Dh is having a very tough time at work atm, he is trying to get away early or on time most nights and yesterday his boss accused him of a lack of dedication so he is worked up about that... he is now helping out by cooking tea every night, and then after tea doing the early evening settling so I can catch up on a catnap.

I made him have a chat with his Mum, and she convinced him that three weeks is way too young to let him cry. Also he does have one friend about ten years' older than him who has two dcs and he had a chat with him who basically told him it would pass and to be patient.

Once again thank you all for your advice, I feel a bit better!!

Also thanks Vimfuego it is always useful to get a blokes pov on these things too!

Mossie use the dummy honey
You know Bertie is a thumb sucker so he will have the need to suck suck and suck. You cannot do it yourself all the time
I used a dummy with dd for the first few mths, she came off it easily when she found her thumb
Do what you need to do to get through the first few weeks.
Men see this little person who has come and turned their calm wife into a zombie, and one that spends all her time pouring all her soul into this little person who shows no thanks.
He is right it won't hurt Bertie to cry for a while BUT it will hurt you adn you will not relax whie he is crying. So tell him that.

Wishing you love n luck xxx

If his bf is fine, and if he's gaining weight fine, then the dummy is fine.

My DS1 needed to suck all the time, but he was skinny, so he was just always on me. We coslept, which worked very well and was a lifesaver. He would have naps on me - I'd prop him up with a pillow, make sure I had food, water, remotes, phone, book, etc etc, all within reach and just sit still.

The sling is great, too.

The first six weeks do just suck, but things get better ...