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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abuse escalation

36 replies

alleyesonme · 02/02/2018 17:28

I've posted on here before under another name. My partner has been emotionally abusive on and off for a while.
He seemed to get hugely better this last six months it's been five years this year he's never hit me during this time.
We recently started a new business together which basically he has most of the control over but I do the admin and marketing.
The business is doing quite well and he deals with the money and has a lot of clients money at the moment.
I got out the bath last night and he switched over a photo of me on social media it's just a photo of me nothing reveling in this photo etc
I tried to stand up to him and he just was screaming at me saying he was going to kick me in the face and standing over me and shouting right up in my face and his spit was flying out at me. I have a new job I've been there a few months and I really love it there I've got male colleagues which I have zero interest in they are married or engaged and we are Facebook friends but all they are is work friends I have no attraction to any of my work pals hand on heart I've been for meals with their partners present too , but he went through who I had from work and was just going on and on at me saying he was going to hit me and all of this . I was like a battered woman cowering on the sofa I was shaking and just terrified at this outburst.
I went into the kitchen and he follows and continued to rant and making threats to hit me I held my hands up by face thinking we'll if he hits me I can protect my face a bit.
I went upstairs and was just shaking all over and then he said I've made you a tea now so come down lets forget it.
I just acted normal and left it I went to work today and I've just got back and I've got a dress on it's an office dress past my knees and high necked u literally cannot see anything and he's like why you wearing that it's a new dress and he noticed it. I said I want to look smart for work and he goes well you can't wear that anymore wear trousers like other women do etc etc I'm so glad he's now stormed out but I cannot believe he reverted to some of his old behaviors accept now adding the physical violence too.
We've got the business and he's got all the holdings in cash and I cannot afford to pay them back myself so I feel I have to just stay together and be controlled like this now cos of the business I thought he had changed because he was being so so nice to me lately :-(

OP posts:
MistyMeadow · 02/02/2018 17:30

He hasn't changed, he never will, he's awful & abusive. Please think about making plans to leave if you can. Thanks

elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 17:37

What are you going to do OP?

Just because he 'hasn't hit you' doesn't mean you are not suffering DV. You are cowed and cowering, changing your behaviour to appease him, (this never works) cringing and explaining...

Get out now - before he gets violent. Because he will.

DarkStuff · 02/02/2018 17:44

Have a chat with women's aid. www.womensaid.org.uk/
Read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft.

He is not going to change. Every now and then he will be a bit nicer to you, to convince you not to leave him, but the old, familiar abusive behaviour will always return. It will probably get worse too. You deserve to live in a home where you are not afraid.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 17:46

He will never change except to get worse. He will escalate to physically harming you. Forget the money, save yourself.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/02/2018 17:49

I agree - forget the money and stay safe.

Re the business - how much money are you talking about? Is it a legal partnership?

Original poster
alleyesonme · 02/02/2018 18:43

It's a hire company which he holds all the clients deposits for but I do the admin etc he has no clue with paperwork but he takes the money as he invested the money intially and the loan isn't paid back.
But he can take the equipment as he fronted the cash but he also has all deposits for the next year so he will keep that and I can't pay all the clients their deposits back as it's a new business and I'm in charge of dealing with the clients etc
I don't care about the money I just don't know how I will pay people back if he goes plus letting everyone down who booked with me it's a mess tbh

OP posts:
pudding21 · 02/02/2018 19:36

Oh love, my ex was the same. He started to get more and more paranoid, because I went to the gym, traveled with male collagues etc. He had no reason to worry, but he felt he was losing me and the emotional abuse ramped up. It did culminate one night in hands round my throat. I stayed for another 6 months. Walking on eggshells like that is soul destroying, every time he mentions something you will get anxious. You lose your autonomy, you get adrenal fatigue. Makes plans, and good luck.

Original poster
alleyesonme · 02/02/2018 20:35

Thankyou last night really scared me I was shaking so much and he's a big guy I don't know what to do I'm scared of him.
He knows he scares me too and my son heard the whole thing and it isn't fair on him.
He just kept saying I'm going to kick you in the face I don't get the logic of saying that to someone

OP posts:
FissionChips · 02/02/2018 20:41

Would you consider contacting women’s aid? Someone professional to talk this through with and get some guidance.
You don’t deserve his treatment of you .

BewareOfDragons · 02/02/2018 20:43

You need to get out of there.

You need to get your child out of there.

Even if you don't think you can do better for yourself, you HAVE to do better for your child. Get. Out.

Call the clients after you leave and tell them to ask for their money back if you're that concerned about it. Tell them he has all of it. Tell them you've left because he's abusive, you fled for your life with your child, and he has control of all the money.

Original poster
alleyesonme · 02/02/2018 22:24

I know that I know it's wrong I don't know what healthy is like now or if this is normal so confusing and I have bad aniexty and panic attacks now

OP posts:
pudding21 · 03/02/2018 07:49

When I started having panic attacks I knew my mental health wasn't suffering and Id end up Ill and not able to leave or care for my boys. It took every shred of courage I had. Was horrible but thinking back to this time last year I'm so pleased I did it.

Keep posting. Call women's aid it's a start.

pudding21 · 03/02/2018 07:49

Was suffering not wasn't!

FruitCider · 03/02/2018 07:56

OP your partner is escalating the abuse because he feels he is losing control, this is probably linked to your new job.

Is the business set up as a sole trader in his name, a partnership, or a limited company? If he is a sole trader you can walk away and owe nothing. If you are a partnership or a limited company you can walk away and owe nothing as the money is in his bank. Don't let the red herring of the money put you off. It's just money!

You are at severe risk here, so is your child. You should get out, and get out now. He will never change (and I say this as someone who took 8 attempts to leave her ex partner). The behaviour is to confuse you into staying.

UserTKB4421 · 03/02/2018 08:02

I'm so sorry you are in this position. Aside from the fact that he is not going to change and you deserve so much more than this, regarding the business, don't put yourself in a situation where you are outlaying on the admin/ marketing etc and not seeing remuneration for your work and time. This is simply another means of him controlling you and expecting you to skivvy to his needs whilst he devalues you and demonstrates a complete lack of respect. Stay safe.

Original poster
alleyesonme · 03/02/2018 08:44

It's a joint company but he takes all the money as invested the money upfront but the whole business idea was my idea he asked for the money so we could pay off the bank loan which he took out , I haven't been paid a penny from the business yet and I worked out it's going to be summer time before I get paid anything and that's if he lets us take anything at all from it.
Plus I have my normal job and this weekend work I feel responsible if he takes everyone's deposits which I think he will do out of spite and make me pay everyone back which I can't afford , can I get the police if he does that? Also he got the equipment so I wouldn't be able to carry on the company on my own.

OP posts:
FruitCider · 03/02/2018 08:52

How is the company registered?

Mrstobe90 · 03/02/2018 10:25

If you don't want to leave for yourself, do it for your son.
Don't let him grow up in fear of your dp and thinking that treating women like this is normal.

Please be strong. You don't deserve to be treated like this and you can and will have an amazing life away from that monster!

Beelzebop · 03/02/2018 10:40

OP, I am so sorry that his behaviour has gone back to worse than it was. I am sure Women's Aid would help to chat with. I think he will be nice again for a bit . You can't live forever like this, you must be so sadSad. Try and think about somewhere you could stay?xx

Original poster
alleyesonme · 03/02/2018 13:55

Thanks for all of your supportive replies he is out at the moment and has done nothing but go on about the business since yesterday and how I can go full time and leave my job because this job isn't my life etc I love my job it's all I have in my life where I'm treated like a person.
I feel like he's putting more workload on me on purpose when I've already told him I don't want to do anymore bookings this year because I have a full time job and now working wkends too it isn't fair and I am still struggling for money anyway so what's the point.
I know I need to get out because when I told
Him I could no longer take any more jobs he flipped out and my body and mind are exhausted

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 03/02/2018 15:27

Do not give up your job. It will be so much harder to leave him if you do.

PeaPodPopper · 03/02/2018 15:35

Does he give out receipts to the clients when they pay him the money? And if so does he bank the money into his own account or a business account? If so, there is a paper trail of proof as to where the money is, and as to who would have to pay it back.

Please, please get you and your son out of there. pack a bag each and hide them somewhere. Then on a day this man is busy, take your son - out of school if necessary - and go. Don't look back.

As PP's have said, he is only going to get worse - and worse - and worse!

Money doesn't matter, your lives do.

LittleSwede · 03/02/2018 18:10

I could have written Pudding21s post, I was in an emotionally marriage for years which did end with him grabbing me by the throat. he had never been violent before that night but had he pushed me just a little bit harder he could easily have killed me (sorry if this is upsetting) I managed to finally leave a few days later, was lucky enough to have a supportive employer and colleagues who did everything to get me out of there (had no friends left). My metal health suffered for years later and I did/do probably have adrenal fatigue.

We also had a business together but sorted that out through accountants and lawyers. Your life is more important right now.

Please look after yourself and do call Womensaid.

Original poster
alleyesonme · 03/02/2018 18:45

I dint have hardly any friends left either he started again tonight he was manic asking me about work am I seeing someone at work ks that why I've been distant the last few days I said no not at all. He's like well we're getting really busy now so you won't need that job soon so wouldn't you rather leave and do your own thing? Well it won't be my own thing because he controls me in every way. All I kept thinking was shut up shut up after an hour he finally ran out of steam and he was like I'm saying all of this because you never listen to me why don't you listen like I'm a five year old child I wish he would just leave me alone I can't take anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
alleyesonme · 03/02/2018 18:46

Next Friday is the next day I can do anything now as I'm off work

OP posts:
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