Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'll live in your council house or you come to me.....

48 replies

whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 06:36

My dp and I have been together for nearly a year and he wants me to move in with him. The trouble is he lives 200 miles from me and I have a 7yr old dd whom I'm reluctant to uproot from her friends, and school. He has suggested more than once that I leave her with my parents but to me this is non-negotiable that she doesn't actually live with me. Were she a trifle older say about to take GCSEs/a-levels then I might consider it or take her after she'd done them. But I think a 7yr old child needs her mum especially as she isn't in contact with her father. I might add here that he said he'd adopt her eventually as we would probably try for a baby ourselves so it would be in keeping with that.

Last night we had a blazing row and he told me that 'if you'd got your finger out and got a council house, I'd move to be with you, but you didn't bother so you have to come to me instead'. it might be a lot of women's dream to have a man offer to keep them and be a father for their children but as always, I'm worried about what might happen if we split up. Could he throw me out, what about my legal status (from what I can remember, this would be nil)and more to the point, it would be the upheaveal to my LO.

I don't know if I'm being over-cautious, outraged that he has put it this way or ungrateful that I haven't taken up his offer yet. He said it's less upheaval this way than for him to move down to me even though he'd have to find another career as there isn't work in his specific area for him where I live. Even though he told me that he'd been upset at the age of 7-8 when his mum had to go away for a short time, he reckons that moving my daughter wouldn't be too upsetting for her and it would be an adventure and I can come home as often as I want to visit my folks!! This is all assuming that I do not get work by the way (which is not my preferred option as I like to pay my own way). Any thoughts anyone?

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 30/04/2007 06:53

I would never ever consider for a moment leaving my daughter for a man - and would think very carefully about a man who even suggested it.

Are you sure you are even tempted to uproot everything and lose your home/independence/job for a man who could consider, let alone suggest this?

I wouldn't. Personally.

LadyTophamHatt · 30/04/2007 06:56

I agree with GGG.

The idea wouldn't even be concidered, it's me and my offsrping or nothing.

Mum2FunkyDude · 30/04/2007 06:59

Personally I think, if after a year you guys haven't committed yet it is possible that you've got doubt in your mind anyway, do not let go of your independence and risk having to uproot your dd again if it doesn't work out. IMO there is no choice between an unrelated man and my child. Any man actually.

ThatBeetroot · 30/04/2007 06:59

alarm bellls would e ringing loud and clear to me now - and I woul dhope that I would consider getting out of the relationship before any damage is done.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2007 07:05

whitechocolate,

Don't like this at all to be honest with you. Infact the whole thing stinks to high heaven.

To suggest to you that your leave your daughter of 7 behind and she lives with your parents whilst you move to be with him is frankly both a shocking and shortsighted thing to say. It's all very easy for him isn't it?. You do all the legwork and he sits back. Its like he wants you to be with him (well you can cook anc clean for him amongst other things) but your daughter is excluded from this set up and likely to remain so especially god forbid if you were to have a child by him (he would certainly favour his own child over your daughter). I wonder also why he wants to repeat history bearing in mind his own Mum left him at around that age also.

Presumably as well you know nobody in his home town so that would leave you initially dependent on him for company and also more isolated. Being 200 miles away as well does not necessarily mean you could also pop back to see your DD on the weekends; I bet you he would over time object to your going back and make alternative plans for you both instead. And when you don't go along with that he'll moan that you;re not spending enough time with him.

Why does he seemingly place so much importance on having a council house by blaming you for not actually getting one?. He's putting more importance on his own needs and wants than both yours and your DD.

I am wondering why you're actually with someone like this. It sounds to me like he has little respect for both you and particularly your daughter.

If you move in with him as well and it all goes wrong you are right to surmise you have no legal rights at all. You could walk away with nothing.

SecondhandRose · 30/04/2007 07:17

Not sure about have 'blazing rows' after only a year together. It is supposed to be bliss for the first 18 months! We've been together 15 years and we've probably had about 8 blazing rows in all that time.

It's all about give and take, he sounds a bit selfish to me. He's offering to keep you but also wanting to move into your council house - what's all that about?

Original poster
whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 07:57

He says that as he's already got a flat he can't afford to rent or buy in London which is where I live, as the difference in the cost of housing is quite significant (except that he keeps banging on about 1/2 million houses even though there are plenty of houses that go for much less than that in equally good areas round here) but had I gotten myself a council house then he would move to be with me. I'm low priority for a council property in the eyes of the council since I live with my parents (I do pay them rent etc). Tbh, I prefer that than pehaps being housed in a one-bed flat with a lively child.... ok I'm a snob and probably spoilt. I daresay immature as well for not striking out on my own but moving 200 miles to live with someone doesn't strike me as being particularly independent either especially bearing in mind it could be tricky to establish a career there what with my dd having to change schools and me needing to find a CM if I worked fulltime.

The thing about my dd not being with me is non-negotiable and I also agree about he'd probably find different plans for us at weekends if I did leave her behind (or even for me to visit my parents come to that) as he finds it incredible that I actually enjoy spending time with my family rather than being by myself in a flat even though his mum does his washing for him and he goes around to see his parents 3-4 times a week!! I guess I've been hoping that these niggles in my mind would iron themselves out in time. I occasionally wonder if I've got too high standards in men or I really am being unreasonable to be pissed off at these suggestons of his.

I think the first thing for me to do is really get a job (where I live), save money up and establish myself as living independently before I consider a live-in relationship with anyone - and I will probably find I won't want to give my independance up!!

Thanks guys.

OP posts:
littlelapin · 30/04/2007 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RosaLuxembourg · 30/04/2007 11:12

' I sometimes wonder if I have too high standards in men'.

No, you don't - he clearly doesn't measure up. Nothing about what he says sounds reasonable to me. Think about what your life will be like in a year if you move to be with him. Will he be supportive if you have difficulty adjusting to your new life? Even more crucially, will he be understanding and supportive of your daughter?

If I were you I would drop this selfish guy now before you get in any deeper. I don't think you really think of him as Mr Right in your heart of hearts, or you wouldn't be posting this. Believe in yourself, stick to your high standards and wait for a partner that you can really trust and respect.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2007 11:15

This guy sounds like an emotionally abusive, manipulative, and potentially dangerous person.

I would dump anyone who ever suggested I leave my own child with someone else and then had the nerve to blame the entire situation on me because I didn't get a council house?

WTF kind of mentality is that?

A controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive one is what.

Get him out of your life asap.

Saturn74 · 30/04/2007 11:21

Sheesh - he doesn't sound like much of a catch at all to me!
The moment he opened his mouth to suggest that I leave my child with my parents he would have been out of the door.
Moving schools wouldn't be such an upheaval for a 7yo, as they soon adapt, but living with a man who clearly doesn't want her around would be disastrous.
He sounds controlling and unpleasant, tbh!

Saturn74 · 30/04/2007 11:23

"he finds it incredible that I actually enjoy spending time with my family rather than being by myself in a flat even though his mum does his washing for him and he goes around to see his parents 3-4 times a week!"

The warning signs are HUGE!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2007 13:00

Whitechocolate.

Re your comment:-

"I guess I've been hoping that these niggles in my mind would iron themselves out in time"

Well they have not have they, they've just multiplied. Your comment to me is another way of saying that you've buried your head in the sand up until now. What he is saying and has been saying to date is something you just cannot ignore any more (not that you fully have because you have previously felt uneasy about his words).

Red flags regarding him all round. I do hope you find the strength within yourself to give him the boot.

No you do not have too high a standard of men but I am wondering what on earth attracted you to him in the first place. I bet he swept you off your feet didn't he?. Such men like him have very good radar when it comes to picking vulnerable women with self esteem issues for their own ends.

Original poster
whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 13:09

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do. I know that this relationship has no future. I just can't believe that I got it so wrong.

You are right:- he did 'sweep' me off my feet so to speak but when things don't go as he's planned them then that's when we argue and as you can imagine he always has to be in the right and he'll trawl back through emails etc to find my exact words to quote back to me where I may have contradicted myself in the past. He's already told me several times not to fight him (I am a bit of a bolshy character by nature but this is no bad thing in itself as I recognise this trait in myself and take steps to control my impulses to say the first thing that comes into my head) but to go along with it. It's by the by but I have a degree so I should be able to think clearly and rationally but somehow I cannot do this with this man. I usually wind up crying in frustration as he fogs and confuses my mental processes. I don't understand what makes people behave like this. He tells me one thing then has a go at me for acting like it. The latest thing is that he called me lazy as I didn't work for a year even though he knows why I didn't work. That is just so hurtful.

OP posts:
MrsApron · 30/04/2007 13:11

If you don't work and have a seven year old what do you do?

Just curious as you live with your mum and Dad.

The bloke is an arse.

littlelapin · 30/04/2007 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 13:21

I've temped off and on for the past few years, I even took a course last year to help me get a graduate-type job so I could start my career again but since then I've just kinda drifted again which is partly my own fault. I've not had a permanent job for a few years but I have 'worked' in that period, I've not been completely idle. I can understand it looks lazy to an outsider but for a bf to say it, knowing my circs just cuts me. I guess it will prepare me for interviewers asking me the same thing

OP posts:
piglit · 30/04/2007 13:21

I'm horrified at his suggestion that you leave your child behind. Even if you do make the move with your child can you imagine what will happen if/when you and he have a baby of your own? Your poor dd won't get a look in.

There have been so many threads on MN over the years from women whose dds are playing up/in trouble etc because of a terrible relationship with the mother's boyfriend.

Surely you can't seriously be choosing this man over your daughter?

Walk away.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2007 13:27

Whitechocolate,

You know what to do really. Its a no brainer.

You have a degree but he has certainly messed with your mind emotionally. This is why you are confused.

As I have said before such men like him have very good radar when it comes to picking vulnerable women with self esteem issues for their own ends. You're a single parent - ideal material for these emotional and controlling abusers. These men are very clever, not just to say plausible, and this is exactly what he has done. Am not at all surprosed to read that he did sweep you off your feet.

He has told you not to answer back and he returns to your previous e-mails to pull out phrases to use against you - is that not enough warning for you?. So many red flags here....

Would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and get out of this so called relationship before your self esteem and worth is further damaged by this man. He will further damage both you and by turn your daughter if you do not find the strength within yourself to give him the boot.

lulumama · 30/04/2007 13:27

any man who would suggest leaving behind your daughter is a man who is totally undeserving of you

would he want you to go on to have a child with him

surely he can see that effectively making her parentless is wrong....

he is thinking of his own needs and downplaying the immense emotional repercussions it will surely have on your daughter

my DS is 7 , he loves staying at his grandparents, for one maybe 2 nights, that is an adventure..permanently,..no way !

i can see him then starting to limit the time you would be 'allowed' to go back to visit because he puts himself before your daughter

Prunerli · 30/04/2007 13:30

I immediately thought he sounded emotionally abusive, and that was before reading the rest of the thread. Really sorry.

krabbiepatty · 30/04/2007 13:30

Run like the wind, whitechocolate, really. You can do much better.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/04/2007 13:32

Don't worry about having got it wrong, love DOES fog your mental processes. Forgive yourself and move on.

As for him: I can only repeat what others have said, what an arse. My view is, let him stay in your life on YOUR terms if you still like having him around, otherwise he can walk. Your life obviously isn't quite how you want it at the moment, but what he is offering would be far worse. I don't know whether your standards in men are too high or not, but he'd slime in way below anybody's bar.

Original poster
whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 13:42

thank you so much for your support, I thought I was going loopy for a time trying to settle it in my mind.

Annie - you are right, my life isn't as I would want it to be at the moment! but I think this alternative is much worse.

The one good thing is that he lives so far away that he's not likely to come bothering me in person. Snotty emails I can ignore .

OP posts:
Original poster
whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 14:42

Ok the last few emails have suggested that he is going to destroy my things rather than let me collect them.

I've told him to go right ahead and do it if it makes him feel better - it's too far to go and get the stuff today and by tomorrow it could be too late.

A brand-new designer dress going up in smoke .

OP posts: