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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'll live in your council house or you come to me.....

48 replies

whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 06:36

My dp and I have been together for nearly a year and he wants me to move in with him. The trouble is he lives 200 miles from me and I have a 7yr old dd whom I'm reluctant to uproot from her friends, and school. He has suggested more than once that I leave her with my parents but to me this is non-negotiable that she doesn't actually live with me. Were she a trifle older say about to take GCSEs/a-levels then I might consider it or take her after she'd done them. But I think a 7yr old child needs her mum especially as she isn't in contact with her father. I might add here that he said he'd adopt her eventually as we would probably try for a baby ourselves so it would be in keeping with that.

Last night we had a blazing row and he told me that 'if you'd got your finger out and got a council house, I'd move to be with you, but you didn't bother so you have to come to me instead'. it might be a lot of women's dream to have a man offer to keep them and be a father for their children but as always, I'm worried about what might happen if we split up. Could he throw me out, what about my legal status (from what I can remember, this would be nil)and more to the point, it would be the upheaveal to my LO.

I don't know if I'm being over-cautious, outraged that he has put it this way or ungrateful that I haven't taken up his offer yet. He said it's less upheaval this way than for him to move down to me even though he'd have to find another career as there isn't work in his specific area for him where I live. Even though he told me that he'd been upset at the age of 7-8 when his mum had to go away for a short time, he reckons that moving my daughter wouldn't be too upsetting for her and it would be an adventure and I can come home as often as I want to visit my folks!! This is all assuming that I do not get work by the way (which is not my preferred option as I like to pay my own way). Any thoughts anyone?

OP posts:

TenaLady · 30/04/2007 14:45

Having been a child that was moved several times in my early schooling, I can say it never really bothered me. I soon adapted and any tears shed a day or two before were long forgotten with my new adventure.

Move on and you can all enjoy the adventure.

Caligula · 30/04/2007 14:55

Call me fussy, but tbh a man who goes round to his mother's to get his laundry done, would be immediately distasteful and unattractive to me. Of course he wants you to move in with him - having to take his shit to someone else's house so they can clean it up must be such a drag, it would be so much easier to have his shit-clearer in situ. How much respect do you think this guy has for women?

And that's just the start of all that's wrong with him. Won't bother to add anything as it all seems to have been comprehensively covered, but very glad that you've posted this and got some back-up for your reservations. You sound like an intelligent decent woman who deserves a hell of a lot better than a tosser like this can offer you.

Blu · 30/04/2007 15:21

"The latest thing is that he called me lazy as I didn't work for a year even though he knows why I didn't work. That is just so hurtful."

"Ok the last few emails have suggested that he is going to destroy my things rather than let me collect them."

WhuteChocolate - I have read this thread with a rising sense of dread...he shows all the signs of being an emotionally abusive control freak. He already has you - a graduate mother of a happy child - running herself down - look at all the negative things you say about yourself in this thread.

Truly - if the designer dress is the worst casualty of this relationship, you will have got off very very lightly.

PLEASE leave now before he undermines your very foundations.

inanidealworld · 30/04/2007 15:45

The mere fact that it would even cross his mind that you might be prepared to leave your 7yo child behind makes me boil over.
I think you know what to do.

lifesteeth · 30/04/2007 15:48

As soon as a man suggested that I leave my child for him he would be gone.

I also agree with whoever said he sounds dangerous and manipulative...he sounds like a control freak and I wouldn't be suprised if he turned violent once you moved in with him.

Original poster

whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 15:59

I'm going to print this thread out and carry it in my bag!! Put it under my pillow and read it whenever I can to bolster my self-esteem.

It really is supportive, exactly what I need to hear time and time again if necessary - and now I'm ready to listen to sense. I can see that he's gotten into my head in a bad way over the last few months but I will get him out forever. I never realised how supportive MN-ers can be but this is really like a big cuddle.

OP posts:

RosaLuxembourg · 30/04/2007 16:04

Well done Whitechocolate - it takes courage to leave an abusive relationship - what you need to remember is that it will never be easier to leave the relationship than it is now. Every step you take down the road with him will make it that much harder to get out again. Visualise yourself as a strong, successful person, because that is what you are - if he can't see you that way it's because that's not what he wants you to be.

One thing I was wondering. You sound like you are close to your parents. What do they think of your (soon to be ex) boyfriend?

expatinscotland · 30/04/2007 16:10

White
That's how emotional abuse works - the perpetrator graduallly wears down the victim's self-esteem until they question whether or not they aren't in the wrong. Until they believe they are.

Original poster

whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 16:14

My Dad doesn't tend to get involved beyond an initial hello, my Mum didn't know him very well after the initial introductions so she reserved judgement at first then she fell out with him earlier this year. She always said he could come around though as he was my choice of bf (at the time)

I don't think that they'll be too surprised that I've had enough but they'll probably wonder why it took me so long as I was a bit feistier in my 20s and I daresay appeared to be more fickle at times.

OP posts:

collision · 30/04/2007 16:21

I think you need to sit down and think about what is best for you and your dd.

What sort of career do you want?
Can you go to college and get some qualifications so you can then do your chosen career?
You dont want to live with your parents forever so how are you going to be able to move on and get a house and have some independence?

Bin the man. He sounds horrid. It isnt as though he even asked you to marry him so that you would know you had some stability!!

Idiot. You can and will do so much better.

Where are you living atm?

Original poster

whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 16:34

Hi Collision.

I've got a degree in law which I've never used. I was originally planning to go to law school/get a training contract etc and become a solicitor. That could be an option to do part-time/ independent study but for now I think that I need to get a full-time job to get some money behind me. I could do ILEX and work as a legal executive (it is possible to qualify as solicitor this way but it takes yonks) or the other area I am interested in is human resources/personnel. I do have secretarial skills as well (mainly self-taught) which has been tiding me over for work the last few years (told you I'd been drifting!). As a matter of interest, I just checked how much it would be to rent a 2-bed flat/house near me for myself and DD and it's not quite as horrendously expensive as I thought it might be - bearing in mind bills etc will be on top. I do get maintenance from DD's father so that would partly pay the rent with my salary (hopefully) going towards the rest. That's a goal to work towards though. I think that I'll get in touch with my old uni careers service and get their thoughts on finding housing for us and a career for me - I'm still within the time limit for getting advice from them. I am getting a bit long in the tooth for stopping at home with my parents.

OP posts:

FioFio · 30/04/2007 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SecondhandRose · 30/04/2007 18:52

He's already burning your clothes oh my God? It sounds like Fatal Attraction. He sounds like a complete loon that you can do without.

Put yourself and your daughter first and look forward to the future.

Caligula · 30/04/2007 19:22

Hmmm. I think that might technically be criminal damage.

I might be tempted to report something like that to the police tbh.

You've had a lucky escape, but chances are that the next woman he hooks up with, he'll beat up. Classic behaviours here.

noddyholder · 30/04/2007 19:35

If he is asking you to leave her behind he is definitely not offering to be a father to her.I wouldn't entertain him at all if he suggested that.What sort of person is he?

Original poster

whitechocolate · 30/04/2007 21:42

They're clothes that I kept at his flat - not a whole wardrobe of stuff. I don't think he will burn them now but I've decided to write them off and put the whole thing down to experience. It's disrespectful but what can you do? Best for me to just walk away I think.

I've still got my health, my dd and my family plus somewhere to live, it's not as though he's thrown me out on the street.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 01/05/2007 09:14

I think you've got the right attitude there, whitechoc!

They're only clothes.

Your health, self-esteem, sanity are way more important and you have bigger and better things to focus on now than this loser.

Original poster

whitechocolate · 11/05/2007 21:31

Oh God i don't think i can cope.

It's the little things that get me. He's got some of my stuff that I'm not too fussed about, clothes and stuff, but is refusing to return my digital camera which was left around his flat for some reason. It sounds silly to fret over a camera but my parents gave it to me and i do treasure it. Can I sue him to get it back? He's hinted he'll drop it in the canal. I don't think that he will - he'll take it away on holiday instead and keep it.

For some reason this is really cutting me up as he said that I have to pay him what I 'owe' him for it - he can take a walk off a short pier but how can he be so cruel?? if he doesn't want me, then why keep tormenting me like this.

It's friday night and i feel like shit. It's about the worst night not to be able to cope with this.

OP posts:

Piffle · 11/05/2007 21:45

I moved with my ds 250 miles south to be with dp as he had a job that could not move. I sold my house and took ds (6)
He did settle fine, and we have all lived happily ever after, having 2 more kids of our own.
HOWEVER for your dp to suggest leaving your dd is unacceptable. I'm not sure I'd be thinking about a long term future with someone who suggested that leaving my child was an option...
For him to place his own wants/needs over your childs certainly raises ones eyebrow

Original poster

whitechocolate · 11/05/2007 22:01

I've just ordered that book from Amazon - I really hope it comes soon.

I keep getting emails from him but so far I'm ignoring them .

OP posts:

TheLandlady · 11/05/2007 22:10

You should name & shame him in case any of us ever meet him when dating

Original poster

whitechocolate · 11/05/2007 22:56

Hmm, not sure I'm allowed to do that on here .

Think of a former (racist) prime minister of a former colony in Africa (since renamed) who is also the namesake of the actor who plays Harold Bishop in Neighbours. That should give you his name.

There's hundreds of guys with the same name though .

OP posts:

hertsnessex · 11/05/2007 23:30

ill email him - dealt with an ex like this before. dont let him grind you down - and whatever you do, dont meet up with him.

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