Limerence Thread

[IsThisMeToo]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2414204-Does-anyone-know-much-about-limerence-or-ever-experienced-it?pg=27

So I read the whole thread and it was like reading about how I felt for the past ten years, all 27 pages.

It does, in a strange way, make me feel better that apparently I am not the only one who suffers from this all-consuming intense unexplainable feeling/obsession.

I'm wondering - how are the limerent posters doing now, three years later?

Hi Too, thanks for posting the original thread, this is exactly what I’m going through right now and as you say, it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one. I had never come across the term limerence before I read about it on MN a couple of months ago.

I've definitely suffered from it in the past. I've found that I can get addicted to anything stimulating and rewarding in someway. And, any addiction can be transferred. Meaning I can take my obsessional gaze and shift it elsewhere (if it meets the criteria of being stimulating/rewarding). I think age/experience has helped me to find healthier obsessions over the years. It's exercize and DIY at the moment. :)

I've been suffering from this for the past 7 months or so, and finally, it seems to be dying down. It was absolutely all consuming, and was totally illogical.

I don't have as much contact with the focus of my limerence now (ex-manager who has moved on) but I do bump into her occasionally - and whilst I do feel something, it's not nearly as powerful as it was.

Good to hear your feelings died down Some, I hope I get there too.

Two questions - do you think it's ever a good idea to tell them how you feel? Like is there ever a situation where that would be an advantage? I know logically there probably isn't, but sometimes I'm so desperate to tell her that I feel like it's actually a physical effort to keep it in.

And second question - are limerence and love mutually exclusive, or can it be both? It feels like love to me, but having read about limerence I know that it's that, and I don't know whether it can be both. As a recovering alcoholic I have very obsessive tendencies so it's really hard for me to identify and analyse my feelings objectively.

I’m wondering - the object of my limerence is someone I had a brief intense fling with ten years ago. I haven’t seen him since. We still talk occassionally. But I probably have idealized him in my head the past ten years. But over the years it seems I have idealized him in my head.

Do I need to see him again to get over this?

how are the limerent posters doing now, three years late?

IsThisMeToo

I was on that thread. I have just re-read the whole thing and man it's depressing. I'd forgotten about that thread. It was depressing reading and the answer to your question is even more depressing - 3 years later.

At that time I was about a year no contact. He'd made contact with me during that time and I ignored it. At about 1.5 years, I succumbed to one of his invitations, responded, saw him, started seeing him again (in his on/off intermittent way) and it re-stoked the limerence fire. It was still there but it had been dialled down to smouldering rather than raging through no contact.

Same old story- more emotional pain. Self-esteem really hit absolute rock bottom this time

Short answer now is I am now just over one year no contact again. I still am limerent about him, I still have a huge emotional pull and feelings of attraction to him, I still compare other men to him negatively and I still think I'm never going to feel like this about anyone else. But I'm working on my self-esteem and have more motivation to stick to the no contact because I don't want to feel that hurt again.

I still feel utterly disgusted with myself and my emotional weakness and patheticness but at least I'm no contact.

Sorry no happy ending here. Not limerent free.

I’m lucky it lasted almost a year till he showed me his quick temper. Not a trait I can deal with or need to! I realized I deserved better.

I think this is me, too. I'm due to see the object of my limerence in about 3 months. I'm likely going to be staying at his place for 3 nights - he is a very close and beloved friend of mine. I feel almost like I'm hardwired onto a trajectory that's going to lead to me having sex with him. Which would be cheating on my DH. But the overwhelmingness of the infatuation is consuming me at the moment.

And I'm wondering, like a pp, whether telling them is at all helpful. I mean, he and do share a very close and beautiful friendship; my attraction to him really is secondary. I would be devastated to lose him as a friend, and I think he could take it if I told him. I'm going to give it some thought.

I wasn't on that thread but strangely I went through this with a loser of a man about 3-4 years ago. He blew hot and cold and got me hooked and craving contact.

About 2 years ago something snapped in me. I just thought oh fuck this and literally fucked another guy or two. Nothing came of the new guys but it showed me there were other opportunities out there and nicer men.

I feel nothing for him now. I rarely think of him. I dont want him now.

Is limerance infatuation / crush or is it something else?

On reading the article in the OP, I don't think I'm so extreme as to call it Limerence. It's a very interesting article and topic, but I'd put myself at the less intense end of the spectrum. Have to say, though, it's still a bit of a wake-up call. Something to keep aware of.

@Margie32 I proactively tried to get over these feelings. I started up old hobbies, got more social, and pretty much occupied myself. If I'm honest, there was perhaps some delusion about her being impressed with what I was up to, and this drove the desire to change, but regardless, I'm in a much better place now. I actually lost a load of weight and got in shape.

I came to the conclusion that my obsession with her was more to do with some needs which were unfulfilled in me and my life, and she was filling the gap.

I nearly did tell her how I felt, but luckily, rationality held out at the point - it could have been bad for my career :).

I'm actually thinking of travelling to the other side of the world just to see him again. I won't meet up with him, just to see him in person after a decade. Maybe this is another fantasy.

Thanks so much for replying @SomeUsername, so much of what you say rings true. I also do things to impress her, and always try to show her the best of me, but I guess the consequences of that aren’t all bad in terms of health and well-being. I totally hear what you’re saying in terms of my obsession being more about things missing in me and my life, than about her.

Would your advise be to put distance between us? We work together but actually don’t see each other much (different departments) but I do see her most weekends to go running together - absolutely the highlight of my week. It would hurt so much to have to stop doing that.

Too, I am not the best person to advise you about your possible trip, as my obsession would lead me to contemplate doing the same. But un-limerent people would definitely tell us we’re crazy.

@IsThisMeToo why would you spend all that money to look at someone from a distance who isnt interested in you

why would you spend all that money to look at someone from a distance who isnt interested in you

This is a good way of putting things into perspective.

How do I stop Facebook stalking?

I still occasionally look at my old obsession out of curiosity on facebook. But the longing isnt there now it is just memories.

The biggest gem of wisdom I found lately was from trainspotting 2 believe it or not.

Seriously go and do something else. Keep trying until you find something that works.

Watch the clip

But I probably have idealized him in my head the past ten years. But over the years it seems I have idealized him in my head.
Do I need to see him again to get over this?

Limerence is based on idealism certainly. Seeing him again is unlikely to help you get over it - unless by seeing him you don't mean "literally meeting him just once" but do mean seeing him regularly. This poem by Wendy Cope is the solution to limerance.

why would you spend all that money to look at someone from a distance who isnt interested in you

This is missing the essence of limerance. I honestly believe it is a form of psychological disorder - it's a coping mechanism. If you re-read the linked thread a common theme I distilled from all of the posters, is that limerance is often used as a way to cope with a life problem that the sufferer does not want to face up to - it's like your mind creates a mental distraction. It can be anything - dibilitating fear of rejection if you open yourself up to a relationship with someone who is availalbe, hiding emotionally after an abusive relationship, distraction from a nasty break up or bullying at work.

Limerance isn't rational so asking a rational question like "why would you spend that money to see someone who isn't interested" may logically make sense but it doesn't compute emotionally.

Otherwise you would ask "why would you be so obsessed with someone who isn't interested, doesn't care and (often in these situations) treats you badly".
Rational answer: I'm not.
Limerent answer: because he's perfect and I love him and just maybe if he sees me he will realise how perfect I am and we will live happily ever after.

On this point limerence, whilst a form of madness, is distinguished from erotomania because limerence is founded on a situation where there has been some initial relationship or interest shown - typically an erractic level of interest (on/off) and uncertainty. Erotomania is a totally fanstasy obsession with someone the person barely knows - a celebrity or someone they may have met once.

<strong>Two Cures for Love</strong>
<span class="italic">Wendy Cope</span>

<strong>1. Don’t see him. Don’t phone or write a letter.</strong>
<strong>2. The easy way: get to know him better.</strong>

*Typo Fail there - this poem by Wendy Cope is pasted at the bottom!

I am on the opposite side, a DH who hid his limerence on someone and was stupid enough to write it all down which I found years later. It is very very upsetting and even if nothing happened reading about ‘it will all be worth it if you will be there for me’ is not nice at all. It involved a lot of heated upset and the poster who said about it being a distraction I think is right about this, it often happens when other stuff is going wrong or life issues or even plain boredom. I urge everyone to think how their partners would feel and for god sake do NOT diarise or write poems etc , however innocent your partner will be very very hurt in most cases and it may well alter their feelings to you

This is missing the essence of limerance. I honestly believe it is a form of psychological disorder - it's a coping mechanism

@SelfLoathing
I get it.
Ive had limerance before.

I was as bad as everyone on that thread if not worse.

My entire self worth was tied up in one man who never wanted me and was nasty to me and used me.

My favourite activity used to be curling up looking at his photos and texts and stalking his facebook and running through the history of us for the one billionth time.

Ive been there. That's limerance. I thought about nothing else 24/7.

Its an addiction just like a drug addiction or a form of depression.

I recovered. It was the hard but I got there.

But that is why I posted the trainspotting 2 video. That is the answer. Be addicted. But be addicted to something else.

I saw a couple of other guys and had someone else to think about. Nothing came of it but still they were nicer than him.

I joined activities, went back to old hobbies. I lost lots of weight: over a stone and a half. Went back to yoga, joined a gym made loads of new friends, got a crush on one of the personal trainers (not a limerent crush!), went on some trips away.

It was hard and i slipped a few times thinking of him.

But watching him on facebook now...meh. he's aged badly and is ugly now.

I dont want him.

I have been there and at the time when people told me to get over him i said I dont want to.

That's the crux of it. I didnt even want to try and forget him and move on.

Most of you are still there and if you dont want to even try then there is no reasoning with you.

Its your life.

Shrugs.

Like my new crush.....I enjoy banter and flirting with him. Nothing has come of it but Im ok with that. I can fantasize.

My limerent obsession....oh hell that was really really unpleasant. I felt like no one else compared and I was worthless unless I got him.

But I see too much off

You dont get it

Its a coping mechanism

Its a depression

Without any attempt to deal with it.

I have been there and i have said those things.

Now when i look back and realise how much of my life I wasted when he was out having fun I could kick myself.

Dont just sit there

Try