Husband Emotional Affair

[InteriorLulu]

This is a long one, so bear with me. I haven't told anyone IRL and I'm just trying to get my thoughts down somewhere to stop them racing round in my head.

Three weeks ago my husband ended an emotional affair that he had been conducting since June/July last year. He ended it because I found out and he chose to stay with us.

He runs his own business and she was one of our sub-contractors, based in Canada, so not really a sexual threat...but he did visit her before Christmas and although he swears nothing happened, I'll never know for sure. That's not what is pulling me apart.

We were due to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in July this year and I don't want to give up after all this time, but in the last 3 weeks very little has changed. He has ended his relationship with her and she has terminated her contract with the business...he no longer stays up until all hours, comes to bed around the same time as me and is being slightly more attentive than before. Beyond that, there is little more to go on, there was an increase in the times we had sex, but that's gone away again now. I'm once again wife and mother, maid and organiser. No real expressions of love coming my way.

He told me this morning that he is finding it hard to get beyond the feelings he has for this person - that he 'wants' to love me. I don't believe it's that difficult, that 'want' doesn't really come into it. I told him that I wasn't planning to be anybody's second best, that I deserved more than this.

His solution was to say he should leave to give himself space and time to process how he's feeling. This isn't what I want partly because if he goes then that's it, there's no going back, but also it gives him space and time to get back in touch with her and continue his unreal existence.

I have told him that I will see a solicitor if things carry on like this. He needs to sort out what he really wants and then fully commit himself to it. I'll survive without him - in reality I pretty much have been for the past 8 months.

I'm toughing it out, but I'm terrified. I'm scared for the kids and how it will impact them, DD will be starting her GCSE years in September, and DS has been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder - this partly due to him having some knowledge of what the husband has been doing.

For the first time in my life I don't know what to do. Part of me says to pack his bags for all the hurt and part of me says to work it out. We were good before and we can be good again.

Sorry for the length, getting it down has helped sort things in my head a bit.

This is very hard.
I think the part of you that wants to pack his bags should speak far louder.
You need some space.
And if he goes to her then you have your answer.
He's not doing what he needs to do.
Have you both read the book - Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?
If not then get it and read it together.
The lots of sex at the initial findings is due to 'hysterical bonding' it never lasts.
I think he needs to understand loss.
What life will be like without you there wiping his arse for him.
Kick him out for a week or 2 and get your head clearer so YOU can make a decision about YOUR future!

He wants out. Please don't stand in his way it's not going to help.

If he wants to walk away tell him that it's over. The only way he might commit again is if he truly knows what losing you is like. If he finds that he doesn't mind losing you - then why would you want to be with him?

From bitter experience I think you need him to pack a bag and leave... you don’t deserve to be second best and if he chooses to go back to her then so be it, you’ve got your answer.

He should be fighting for you but he isn’t. He needs to feel real fear about losing you, or think he has lost you before he will alter his behaviour. Otherwise it will only happen again. I wish i had MN when it happened to me. We tried again, nothing changed and he left 3 years later after I kicked him out as I couldn’t get over it.

You both need space and I presume it's easier for him to go. He might go back to her or he might decide that he wants you and only you. We can't force other people's feelings.

I would be focusing very hard on the fact that you've managed on your own for the last 8 months and on making plans so you can continue to do so. You need to take some control here, he's still calling the shots (despite being entirely in the wrong) and that shouldn't be the case.

I firmly believe the only one who can 'fix' a relationship after cheating is the one who cheated. He should be moving heaven and earth to rebuild your trust and if he isn't then I don't see how your marriage can recover.

Concentrate on you, figure out what you need to manage independently of him in the short term and put your energy into making things bearable for yourself and keeping things ticking over for you and DC. Don't let him think you're waiting around for him to decide whether he wants to be with you, get on with your life and let him worry about whether there will still be a place in it for him when he's finished navel gazing.

The upshot of this will be that he either realised what he's about to throw away and starts putting the effort into fixing what he broke or one or both of you will decide it can't be fixed. Either way you will be in a much stronger position to move forward if you feel strong and capable of managing without him.

I realise a lot of this sounds a bit cold and practical and doesn't address the emotional side of things but I think sometimes it's better to focus on the practicalities and kind of let the emotions work themselves out over time.

If he can do that with someone so far away then he will again with someone closer who's more of a threat. He's only ended it because he's not got the temptation of seeing her. It doesn't sound like he wants to be with you, sorry.

Why did he get to choose he stayed with you????
He is a lying cheat and you need to up your standards!!

You are gripped by fear of him leaving...because on some level he's developed very strong feelings and possibly loves her.

I'd struggle to celebrate this anniversary tbh.

I also have to very much doubt they didn't have sex after months of the emotional affair.

He's feeling this way because he misses her...he's having withdrawal symptoms from the daily contact and ego strokes they gave each other.

It stopped because you found out. Not because he wanted to...and there's a good chance he resents you for spoiling his fun.

I think him leaving is a good idea to give YOU some thinking space. How did your son become involved in this? Generally I would say that kids really do get over this kind of stuff but obviously i can't talk for anyone else's family and if your son is already emotionally invested/upset about it then thats obviously something you will need to manage together as parents, not as a couple. But seriously - he wants out - don't cling - be assertive, take control, "let" him go and then if he wants to come back at later date thats up to you and how you feel at that stage.

Have you any self respect at all ?

This man has told you he has feelings for OW, I would bet my house he fucked her when they spent time together and at least one of your children has MH problems because of the situation

What else would it take before you tell him to get to fuck ?

Please don’t worry about your children. It will be far more damaging to them to see you treated badly, see their father withdraw etc etc than for you both to live happier apart.
I would ask him to leave so that YOU can make a decision about want you want.
Best of luck

Thank you. You've really helped me to get some things straight, it's been spinning round and round for weeks.

@FFSenoughalready DS knew about the affair, not the detail. He was concerned about the time spent on the phone and knew it was something serious and wrong. And from a vantage point on the stairs he saw some of the content, as did DD, and they talked about it. Rather than say anything for fear of causing upset he internalised it. He's only 8.

@Hidingtonothing Thank you. You've put into words the advice I'd give someone in my position. God, my brain is so scrambled. I'm usually very practically minded but this has knocked me sideways.

@SandyY2K I don't doubt that he slept with her. I'm trying to make it so that they didn't. He even got the business to pay for it - apparently it was important that he went over to see her. I bet it was. I'm such a mug.

@hellsbellsmelons Thanks for the book recommendation. I've ordered it. Perhaps it'll come in time.

Yes, he only stopped because he was found out. But he believed I already knew so apparently thought I was OK with it.

And no, I can't force him to love me. I wouldn't want that anyway....the reason he got to choose was simply because I didn't realise how much she had impacted on him, how involved he had actually become. Maybe I am better off without him, I don't know. I was always brought up to try hard to make things work - but actually, even my mum knew when to give up. She divorced my dad when he had an affair. I was 2.

For all of you saying I should pack his bags...I can only agree. I'm scared though. I have no independent income but I have no doubt I could get a job - I've been working for the company we own, so have plenty of up to date skills. I'll bide my time, I've got to work out a few financial things like childcare and anything I am entitled to - tax credits or anything else. I'll also look into how the profits from the business will be split - I'll need legal advice here as I'm not a shareholder, my ownership comes through marriage.

So, thank you again. Everything will be OK. I'm going to listen to my gut more, to make more of myself, to be who I am meant to be. Me and the kids, we've got this. Whatever happens it will be OK.

Talk about kick someone when they’re down AF with the self respect comment

OP, you are probably feeling fragile and completely mixed up, concentrate on you if possible, some space is probably what’s needed

@AnyFucker I agree. I've been deluded - it was my OP that started to put things straight in my mind and seeing the replies has also really helped.

@f83mx Thank you. I started today feeling like absolute shit. I feel a bit stronger now. You're right, the kids need parents, not necessarily ones that are together, just guidance and support.

@awishes Thank you too. I've always been in his shadow, not always through choice, but he's always been the one who's shone brighter. Perhaps its my turn now.

Let op respond for herself user

She's not a child thst needs protecting from the stark truth. Op, you know what you need to do. Please do not fall for his victim blaming. He reckons you knew about his affair and gave him the green light for it ? Jesus, he's a fucking narcissist. You don't need that shit in your life.

There's telling the truth and then there's just plain fucking nasty

Oh look, someone else patronising the op.

AF spoke to me in the same tone many moons ago and she was right. I internalized all of the faults put at my door by my OH - I was mad with grief and anger, not eating, hardly sleeping and he just carried on his normal life. Meanwhile he social media stalked his soul mate and had a few teary moments at his loss . She wants you to channel your inner rage at being treated like a wife appliance, mother figure and doormat. You will be ok. Hug your DC and make him suffer the consequences of his behaviour

AF is absolutely right. The OP has been treated appallingly and there's no point in softsoaping her - sometimes you need that short sharp shock.

Also it may be better for your Dd if it were to end now (before her gcses start) than perhaps say muddle through for longer and it happen just before her exams.

Hi @InteriorLulu

I was betrayed. It still sucks. However these wandering spouses are so boring and cliche!
They are a tiny bit sad tbh. I've got no time for their bs. Their alibis are so full of shit!

Anyway please have a read of the info below. The gist is, it was not about you, it's all about the poor unhappy snowflakes 😩

Affair chemicals:

http://brainworldmagazine.com/flame-addiction-neuroscience-infidelity/

Limerence:

http://loverelations.co.uk/the-limerence-affair/

Why Happy People Cheat

https://www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/

Emotional affairs are like a drug to those involved. I wouldn’t stand in the way of someone who wanted to leave.

Why would he think you'd be okay with it? Would he be okay if you had a similar relationship with another man?

If so..then he's checked out of the marriage. His heart is gone.

I suggest you implement the 180. It's a tool to help you prepare for a life without your cheating spouse...and gives you strength.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

And I'd be very angry that he's caused your DS OF only 8 this suffering.

That's how cheating impacts on the entire family
..and why cheaters aren't the best parents...

How does he feel about doing this to his son?