Husband Emotional Affair

[InteriorLulu]

This is a long one, so bear with me. I haven't told anyone IRL and I'm just trying to get my thoughts down somewhere to stop them racing round in my head.

Three weeks ago my husband ended an emotional affair that he had been conducting since June/July last year. He ended it because I found out and he chose to stay with us.

He runs his own business and she was one of our sub-contractors, based in Canada, so not really a sexual threat...but he did visit her before Christmas and although he swears nothing happened, I'll never know for sure. That's not what is pulling me apart.

We were due to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in July this year and I don't want to give up after all this time, but in the last 3 weeks very little has changed. He has ended his relationship with her and she has terminated her contract with the business...he no longer stays up until all hours, comes to bed around the same time as me and is being slightly more attentive than before. Beyond that, there is little more to go on, there was an increase in the times we had sex, but that's gone away again now. I'm once again wife and mother, maid and organiser. No real expressions of love coming my way.

He told me this morning that he is finding it hard to get beyond the feelings he has for this person - that he 'wants' to love me. I don't believe it's that difficult, that 'want' doesn't really come into it. I told him that I wasn't planning to be anybody's second best, that I deserved more than this.

His solution was to say he should leave to give himself space and time to process how he's feeling. This isn't what I want partly because if he goes then that's it, there's no going back, but also it gives him space and time to get back in touch with her and continue his unreal existence.

I have told him that I will see a solicitor if things carry on like this. He needs to sort out what he really wants and then fully commit himself to it. I'll survive without him - in reality I pretty much have been for the past 8 months.

I'm toughing it out, but I'm terrified. I'm scared for the kids and how it will impact them, DD will be starting her GCSE years in September, and DS has been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder - this partly due to him having some knowledge of what the husband has been doing.

For the first time in my life I don't know what to do. Part of me says to pack his bags for all the hurt and part of me says to work it out. We were good before and we can be good again.

Sorry for the length, getting it down has helped sort things in my head a bit.

Again sadly from experience OP let him go. The only way to recover from this, if you decide you want to, is to let him go. He needs to realise the consequences of his actions. If he stays he will be more likely to stray again. How dare he.. poor him needs space! What about you. In the short term he should still pay the bills he was paying previously. It is just space not a separation unless you want it to be. So sorry thus has happened to you. It is earth shattering.

No advice OP, but so sorry you are facing this situation. You must feel very sad and betrayed. It’s a long marriage, with a child facing important exams. But there is never an ideal time for any potential break up.

Think very hard about what YOU want and if you feel the marriage can or indeed you want it to be saved, but that will only happen if you are both committed.

Sending you a hug and I hope everything turns out well for you and your family.

Sounds terrible OP but you can’t make this work on your own, I agree he needs space to think and so do you. To suggest that this allows him to pursue an unrealistic exsistance with the OW might not be what you want, but it’s also not your choice. Trying to stop him having space won’t stop what might happen next.

Use the time to think about what you want. How long do you honestly think you could exist in this half way house that he doesn’t want to be in?

He is still grieving his affair and I agree - it sounds like he just doesn't want to be married anymore . You can spend more time and effort in trying to sustain this but it doesn't sound promising . Sometimes relationships just run their course . I understand that it is daunting and there will be a great amount of fear in yourself about how your life is going to be . Have been there and wasted 4 years of my life in trying to support my ex husband in a similar situation like this . I should have got out sooner . There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to try to push on with this marriage , however ...it doesn't mean you have no self respect ! I often think that people on here have no idea what it is like to have been in a long term relationship .

If the contract has been terminated, this woman, she doesn't care about his business interests much?

Will he really be needing his passport of he is just "moving out for space" then?

What's that noise?

Oh, its just the shredder, that's okay, I was worried for a minute.

I personally would pack his bags and kick him to the kerb. Sadly, there will never be a good time for the kids and its not fair on them.

He couldn't have been very discreet about it if your young children knew he was conducting an affair. How insulting to your family and damaging for them to have to process.

I’m so sorry men are just selfish

But he believed I already knew so apparently thought I was OK with it
Wow!
He is a feckin' cock of the highest order.

AF tells it straight. That's why she is very popular on here.
People listen to her. She is right.
It may not always be pretty but she is there for people and will tell them what they don't want to hear sometimes.

What on earth did your 8 year old DS see to be traumatised by this - were they sexting? How would he have known it was an EA? I only learnt of this term on here in my 40's. Did your DS hold on to this for a long time and was your DH aware that his son knew?

This is a big piece of work to unpick with your DC whether you separate or not.

Most shocking / deluded / entitled thing I have read on here for a long time 'thought you knew and were OK with it' - just such a spectacular, disrespectful, gaslighting putdown.

If he isn't sure what he wants make his mind up for him by filing for divorce. Reconciliation is hard hard hard and he needs to be all in. If he isn't you are wasting your time.

Take his choice away from him and you might find he makes up his mind very quickly. He does not deserve the luxury of dithering. Twat!

Good luck.

You must be prepared to lose your marriage to save it.

A cheating spouse smells your fear and will not get their act together until you show you are perfectly capable of going forward without them.

I suggest you consider seeing a solicitor and looking at what finances would be like for you in the event of a divorce.

Stay strong...as difficult as that might be...appearing strong is required.

When your H sees the reality of divorce, visitation and two homes ..he just realise how much of a fantasy he's been living.

I hope you are doing OK, OP. It's a really tough thing to go through, but I think the advice on here has been good, especially the book (Shirley Glass) and the web links that PP have suggested. I also found the website www.emotionalaffair.org incredibly useful. There's a lot of free content on there that is excellent. It sounds like your DH is still massively in the 'affair fog' and that's a really hard thing for you to deal with, but it can be transformative when they finally come out the other side and wake up to what they could be losing and see that what they were experiencing was based on a load of messy brain chemicals very similar to drug addiction). Hang in there, and if there's someone you trust IRL who you could turn to, that might be helpful too. I didn't tell family when I went through similar, but the few friends I did confide in have been very supportive (although I'm glad I listened to advice I read early on about being very selective about who you choose to confide in). Good luck, and hope you are OK and staying strong.