Help with deciphering a situation

[Goingslowlyloopy75]

I have a very complicated friend with benefits. I do like him but now is not the right time for any relationship, and I honestly have no idea how he feels about me because we just don't talk about that kind of thing! We connect about a lot of stuff and have a huge shared hobby as well. He is an alcoholic and depressed, taking treatment, he is very open about it with me and I try and give him a lot of support with that. The physical side/chemistry is exceptionally good.

However - we speak via messaging on a daily basis. He messages me the ins and outs of his days, which I don't mind hearing, as his days are usually more interesting than mine and it obviously keeps our connection going. We have got into a pattern that he doesn't ask much about my days and I don't tell him much about them, unless he specifically asks. It's not bothering me massively that it's one sided. I just wondered if someone constantly messages another person about mundane stuff, how does it mean they actually feel? Is he just after an attentive audience / his ego stroking?

Sorry, that meant to say "complicated friend with benefits situation"!

It's quite therapeutic getting all this down actually, and I keep on thinking of things to add. I kind of expect the messages now as I'm used to hearing from him so regularly, so if there is a sudden lull in the messages from him it really messes with my head.

You're in an unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic and this is all round bad news for you. This is basically you giving him a willing audience and he getting his ego stroked in the process.

What is in this for you exactly?. I would read up on codependency in relationships as this and alcoholism often go hand in hand. Is this all you think you deserve, why is your relationship bar so very low in the first place?.

Attila he is receiving treatment for his alcoholism. That was the question I was asking in terms of why he was messaging so much. I shall have a look at codependency in relationships, thank you. I don't want a relationship with him at the minute, it is working as it is (kind of) as I like having him in my life.

I can see what he's getting out of this relationship right now, but not so sure about you. He's not particularly interested in you as a person.

Now as long as you're able to keep an emotional distance and able to walk away, and you have more fun and what it is is enough, then fine. But if he's taking up a lot of your headroom and making life harder than it needs to be, then he needs to be gone.

You need to step away from him; he has to do this treatment on his own and without any input from you.

He wants an audience and you're giving that to him.

Why do you like having him in your life?. Apart from a shared hobby and great sex what is keeping you together at all. Your boundaries re him and you here are very blurred indeed and you're both using each other for your own purposes. I would also read up on trauma bonding.

He simply might not have anyone else he can share the day to day stuff with and feels comfortable doing it with you! Do you feel he is overstepping the mark with what is a FWB relationship? Is he hoping for more? I'd urge caution if a full-on relationship is not what you want, as alcoholic or not, sounds like he is becoming reliant on you.

you are setting the tone for any future 'relationship' you have with this man. you support him, he tells you everything and expects your support, he offers nothing . Absolutely no problem with an FWB situation in which both parties are equally open / curious / supportive or not - but this is one sided and will not end well ...

Thanks so much for your replies, it helps see the wood for the trees. It is taking up a bit of headroom which I suppose isn't healthy. I honestly don't mind supporting him as a friend, as he needs it right now and I don't but obviously don't want him becoming reliant on me in an unhealthy way. I don't know, I guess if I didn't see him again or hear from him again it would leave a sad void in my life.

I don't feel like he is overstepping the mark with regards to our situation as we started out as friends.

He's not really your friend tho, is he? You're his.

How would I broach the one-sidedness with him?

Addicts can be a bit of a bottomless pit (if you let them...) Thus speaks an addict BTW, in recovery

It does sound like you're giving him the opportunity to use you as a free reference point. And at the moment it's serving you both. It may not be sustainable for the long term but works now, you are both invested in it for various reasons.

I would have a look at codependency, as Attila suggests - you may recognise a lot there. Codependency is complex so it may take a while to work recovery into your life. Go easy.

If you don't mind being a listening ear, nothing has to change does it? Only if deep down you really want more from him. Or being a listening ear is too much for you. Or he is offloading onto you instead of accessing support services. Whatever the case is just tell him. You know each other well so you can find a good way to say it. He's a FWB not a serious life partner after all so does it really require deep thought?

I don't mind being a listening ear, I suppose I quite like it in a way. Is that bad? On the other hand I might bring it up next time I see him! I guess there's no way of knowing whether the constant communication means that he does like me? I am obviously more confused about this than I thought!

He'd show an interest in your life if there was more to it.

category12 yes possibly! I couldn't go on about myself like he does though.

You may not want to call it a relationship but it is one and a one sided one at that.

The whole bloody point of a FWB set up is for it to be uncomplicated and to avoid the 'what is he thinking' angst. If you can't have a straightforward and honest conversation about where you're at, then what's the point.

Uncomplicate things by setting clearer boundaries and sticking to them.

Is he a functioning alcoholic, OP?

Alcoholics are extremely self centred, selfish people, it is most unlikely that he will change to shift his focus and become someone who will relish a more balanced relationship.

Up to now his primary relationship has been with the bottle, far more devoted and available than any woman could be.

It seems to me that you have moved beyond FWB, as you are concerned and analysing his behaviour and your responses more than should happen in a FWB situation. There is so much angst in your post.

Beware of being drawn into his daily life, which is what his messages are doing. Alcoholics love a crisis with a ready made rescuer at hand, but it would be a draining role for you to play.

Step back a little perhaps, and see how his treatment progresses.

Has he said what has caused his depression?