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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help with deciphering a situation

42 replies

Goingslowlyloopy75 · 01/02/2018 15:58

I have a very complicated friend with benefits. I do like him but now is not the right time for any relationship, and I honestly have no idea how he feels about me because we just don't talk about that kind of thing! We connect about a lot of stuff and have a huge shared hobby as well. He is an alcoholic and depressed, taking treatment, he is very open about it with me and I try and give him a lot of support with that. The physical side/chemistry is exceptionally good.

However - we speak via messaging on a daily basis. He messages me the ins and outs of his days, which I don't mind hearing, as his days are usually more interesting than mine and it obviously keeps our connection going. We have got into a pattern that he doesn't ask much about my days and I don't tell him much about them, unless he specifically asks. It's not bothering me massively that it's one sided. I just wondered if someone constantly messages another person about mundane stuff, how does it mean they actually feel? Is he just after an attentive audience / his ego stroking?

OP posts:

Florallee · 01/02/2018 20:01

It's a difficult one. It sounds like he's struggling.

Wtfdoicare · 01/02/2018 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Josuk · 01/02/2018 20:15

OP - it sort of depends on what you want.
And - despite you saying that you don’t want a relationship right now - and he is your FWB and there is physical chemistry - it does seem that you are starting to want more out of this.

In a functioning FWB situation - you’d not be wondering if communications are one sided.
You’d just replied when it suited you. Or not replied.
And not wondered about him asking about your day....

You need to figure out what you want first, and then talk to him.

Or - if you truly don’t want more than FWB - just play on your terms. Reply to him when it suits you. Tell him about your day if you feel like sharing - w/o waiting for him to ask.

Wtfdoicare · 01/02/2018 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdaColeman · 01/02/2018 20:34

What age are you OP? That might explain why it's hard to be more detached.

Wtfdoicare · 01/02/2018 20:37

AdaColeman · 01/02/2018 20:47

Well that can be quite a watershed period in life, time to make long term plans, to settle down perhaps, and to evaluate where your relationships are going.

category12 · 01/02/2018 21:05

OP, you can't fix this man. Someone said co-dependence earlier and I think they called it. You're well on the way to getting sucked into his maelstrom of misery.

springydaffs · 02/02/2018 00:49

Really, the very very best thing you can do for him is to uphold STRONG BOUNDARIES.

He will eat you for breakfast otherwise (which he is already gearing up to doing). The last thing you should be feeling is sorry for him. Really, I mean what I say. He is more than capable of looking after himself, I assure you.

The dynamic between you, or your response to him, is classic addict/enabler. You are emotionally enabling him. Go to CoDA but also go to Al-anon to get your head straight. He's already got you in his wake. Addiction destroys everything it touches. He is new in recovery and you need to keep WELL AWAY.

Dire warnings. Absolutely necessary I'm afraid.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 02/02/2018 01:52

Well i'm not sure he necessarily wants it to be one-sided, he volunteers info about his day and may expect the same from you rather than having to ask you lots of questions. Try talking about yourself more and see what his reaction is - if dismissive, than he clearly is selfish but maybe he thinks that you prefer things as they are (i.e. just listening).
I'm like this with a close female friend - but I talk.email more stuff purely because more happens in my life regardi g our mutual interest and jus tbecause I stay in a city often and she is in the countryside but likes to hear about cultural events etc. I love her being a listening ear, but I do enjoy stories about her day too. Just saying it doesb't need to be 50-50 if there is fundamental mutual care/interest.

Wtfdoicare · 02/02/2018 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wtfdoicare · 11/02/2018 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mxyzptlk · 11/02/2018 16:25

Can you look at it as two separate things? A friendship and a FWB set-up?

Is the friendship, with messaging, okay for you? Do you think it's helping him or is he getting too dependant on you?
If you want the friendship to change in some way, and/or you want to stop the FWB arrangement, you'll have to talk to him about it.
Drawing away and letting him pick up on it is bound to be confusing for him.

Wtfdoicare · 11/02/2018 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Belonger · 11/02/2018 16:37

You might find the NC dignity club thread useful, if you're wanting to extricate yourself from the dynamic. Several of us have found that a period of no contact is both really helpful and really hard! Lots of support

Wtfdoicare · 11/02/2018 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ginch · 11/02/2018 22:31

OP, you do realise that anyone who does a search under this name can link a lot of stuff to you? Perhaps you should ask for a deletion....fast.

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