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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you share your tax credits with your cohabiting partner? (not biological dad)

65 replies

97sunnysideup · 31/01/2018 15:15

Hi! This is my first post, I have not been able to find anything specific about my circumstances so far so hoping someone can help. Not sure if I am being unfair to my partner so would appreciate any advice.

So my situation - living in a joint owned home with partner who is not my son's biological dad but cares for him as if he were. Since we have moved in together I have just continued getting my tax credits paid (after updating my circumstances) into my account just as I did while I was a single parent.

I then pay for all childcare, school dinners, uniform, clothes, trips etc from the account that they are paid into (my own).

We each pay the same amount per month into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills and food.

Recently my partner has become upset that some of the monthly money I pay into our joint account comes from tax credits and child maintenance. (I am self employed working full time)

He feels that I should be paying the monthly amount into the joint account (same as always- £700) + all tax credits, working tax credits and child maintenance.

Is this what everyone does? I'm a bit lost, am I being unfair?
Would appreciate any advice!

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 31/01/2018 16:49

O/p i think i’d do as he asks.

The way tc works is in arrears. If he is self employed, especially a limited company, if he withdraws dividends or earns more on year then hmrc will ask for your tax credits back. If they go in the joint account you pay them back out of the joint account.

What if they go into your account, he declares higher earnings, and hmrc ask for them back? From what you’ve said i wouldn’t count on him contributing....

Original poster
97sunnysideup · 31/01/2018 16:52

reallyanotherone The way tc works is in arrears. If he is self employed, especially a limited company, if he withdraws dividends or earns more on year then hmrc will ask for your tax credits back. If they go in the joint account you pay them back out of the joint account.

That is a very good point

OP posts:
DumbledoresApprentice · 31/01/2018 16:53

I think an extra £230 is more than generous. I was thinking you could offer to her pay in an extra £100-150 or something as a gesture but with the bulk of the money still going to your account.

Lucymek · 31/01/2018 16:56

Your partner is treating your CHILD son as a lodger and expecting you to pay 'board ' for him.

Wow.

At what point did you think you should live with this man who clearly doesn't treat the child as his own?!?

Original poster
97sunnysideup · 31/01/2018 17:08

Lucymek I know how it seems. The problems only started after I moved in. For the first year I had no idea I was being controlled or abused, as it sometimes goes I suppose I was just so obsessed with not getting on his bad side I couldn't see it.

In his defence, he does treat my son as his own, loves him, teaches him things and has been a 100% improvement on his real dad (not sure what that says about either of them) I am trying to forgive him because of these good things - maybe I'm delusional, quite possibly!!

but he does have this other side to him which features a tendency to get his head twisted up about things and act in this way, mistrustful and blameful with no cause.

I think he seems to feel I have been cheating him out of this money since we moved in and 'getting one over' on him somehow. Sounds like I'll be starting a new thread about this one

OP posts:
Jenny17 · 31/01/2018 17:13

Either you are all in or remain seperate. Given he earns more there should be no reason for you to up your share.

EfficiencyDeficiency · 31/01/2018 17:21

Op I really wouldn't worry about seeing it as "cheating him" because the money that you get for your ds is going directly to ds.

If it ain't broke don't fix it!

Hope it all works out for you Flowers

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 17:22

Your problem isn't the TC's. It's that a) your partner is controlling and abusive. That will never change b) he is claiming to have a lower income due to being self-employed to play the system.

mrssapphirebright · 31/01/2018 17:26

I have two Dc with my exh. Been married to dh for 6 years now. Have 60/40 childcare with exh, no Maintenance paid and earn too much for chb / tax credits.

Me and dh each transfer into a joint account enough to cover our bills,mortgage and food shop. We each pay in exactly the same, 50/50 even though my school are here half the time. I do pay for all their clothes / activities etc from my own account though. But they way we see it household stuff is split 50/50 regardless.

Jigglytuff · 31/01/2018 18:01

I think he seems to feel I have been cheating him out of this money since we moved in and 'getting one over' on him somehow. Sounds like I'll be starting a new thread about this one

This is not a good relationship. A relationship that is better than a previous one doesn't mean it's good if the bar is set very low.

bastardkitty · 31/01/2018 18:05

I think your partner is still being controlling and abusive.

Quiddichcup · 31/01/2018 20:44

Are you sure you should still be getting tax credits? If you are living together his wage should be included in your claim..

Quiddichcup · 31/01/2018 20:47

And if his wage is included in the claim then it is family money.

However, it seems like you have problems bigger than this.

43percentburnt · 31/01/2018 20:56

So he no doubt reduces his net profit to ensure he has plenty to spend on himself. And wants you to contribute more to ensure he has more to spend on himself.

I am waiting for him to call you money grabbing - he sounds the type to call women money grabbers. He may just use phrases like ‘she was only with me for my money’ about an ex.

There’s no hard and fast way to sort out the finances. However if he ends up with far more income then you (maybe by using a creative accountant) then he doesn’t have your best interest at heart. If he is genuinely skint and regularly pays for bits and pieces for your child from his spends whilst going without himself then maybe you should redirect.

rightknockered · 31/01/2018 21:51

Absolutely do not do what he wants. Even if he was a the biological father of your child I would say not to.

RhubarbTea · 31/01/2018 22:55

Okay so...

A) You should be on a joint claim. Which, due to his higher earnings, may well mean that as a family unit, you are no longer entitled to any. Were you aware of this?

B) He is still sounding like a controlling knob. So it's not really about the tax credits, is it? It's very difficult/unlikely for controlling abusive men to change. How long have you been together, and how long has been been nice vs abusive in the beginning? Are you happy with him?

Original poster
97sunnysideup · 01/02/2018 09:03

Thanks everyone, the more I say the more I realise this situation shouldn't be this messed up!

RhubarbTea - We are on a joint claim, but since we are both self employed this will be reassessed in the tax year. I may end up owing DWP money so will see. I got hit pretty hard when Concentrix did their ridiculous thing so am careful to let them know about everything. I dont have any access or use his income so I do genuinely need the support from TC.

I guess it is about a wider issue, but because of our past I sometimes am unsure if I am being unfair, like he says I am. So kind of need to check if I'm actually being unreasonable.

Been together 3 years. 3 months of being beyond lovely. then we jumped into buying a house and I moved in. Then a couple of months after that he became pretty vile, this went on for a year or more, Iwas like a zombie during this time, couldnt see how messed up things were. It came to a head and I kicked him out. We ended up having counselling and he seemed to understand that what he was doing was wrong. So I had hope.

Most days he is perfect with my son and we make a lovely family unit, we go campervanning we hang out, all is lush quite frankly. But then sometimes an issue like this comes up, it gets in his head and I sort of have to fix something inorder for him to be happy. He pretty much hasn't spoken to me in 3 days since he brought this up, except to check if I have done anything about it.

Long winded answer, sorry. But Am I happy? Sometimes

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/02/2018 09:09

OK - I'm changing my stance completely now.
Do NOT give him any of the tax credits etc...
Start saving a slush fund for your escape.
This guy is NOT good for you or your DS.
He has not changed.
He will not change.
You will need to escape at some point.
So make sure you have some money put aside for that.

Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 09:26

But the fact you don't have any access to his money is a big deal. As the tax credits are on a joint claim. It sounds And sorry, like there is some defrauding the system going on here, which isn't right.

Make plans to get out of this situation.

HelgasFlowers · 01/02/2018 09:41

I think wherever the money is it needs to be spent on the same things anyway so just carry on like you are. You’ll have to spend it on your DC regardless of which account it’s in.

I get CB (and TC when we had it) paid in to my account because I am the one that sorts out what DD needs for school etc

He’s making an issue out of nothing. DH and I have a joint account and our own accounts but still see it all as family money! It gets spent on what it needs to be spent on.

RhubarbTea · 01/02/2018 11:36

You bought a house together after dating for 3 months? You don't really know this guy! Counselling isn't recommended for abusive relationships so what therapy you had as a couple I'd be sightly dubious about in terms of long term effect.
I would tread extremely carefully here, love. Don't do the slot machine syndrome thing where you are constantly chasing how they were at the start (it's fake and not really them) or feel that because you are in so deep, you have to make the best of things. He's ignored you for 3 days because of the tax credits? Dude, this guy is still abusive.

WitchesHatRim · 01/02/2018 11:41

Sounds to me like you are both defrauding the system.

Fairylea · 01/02/2018 12:05

The tax credits assume you have access to all the money coming into the household- that’s why it’s a joint claim. The fact you don’t rings alarm bells.

ems137 · 01/02/2018 12:06

If he's expecting you to deposit all income into the joint account then surely he should deposit all of his wages into it too?

He can't have it half way, either everything comes in and out of the joint account or enough to cover household expenses.

ddrmum · 01/02/2018 12:12

It's fine so long as he pays half of the extra childcare costs. Gas he any idea of the real costs of raising a child? In my experience child benefits & tax credits don't come close to covering the whole costs but are a real life saver. I'd read warily though.

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