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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF constantly touching me - what does it mean?

66 replies

Goldilocks3Bears · 31/01/2018 14:01

My BF is constantly touching me and I don't know what it's about

We are in a live-apart relationship and speak frequently but we are not the lovey-dovey kind, at least not verbally. I would not describe him as needy in any way.

When we are together, we have often missed eachother so there is naturally a lot of cuddles and kisses but on top of this, he just effing touches me the whole time, always stroking something, twiddling with my hair and if we are having a conversation, he'll quite often either tickle me or play-pinch (just over the knee, bloody annoying). So not sexy time groping, boob cupping etc. just constant touch.

I guess it's better than him touching himself but WHY?! Is this because he can't say what's on his mind? Is he simple?

OP posts:

RaspberryBeret34 · 01/02/2018 11:46

If he has always been like this, it sounds like he's just tactile. You can definitely ask him to touch you less if it makes you feel uncomfortable though! And ask him to stop doing any touching you find annoying. his response to that will be interesting. I had a bf who kept tickling me even after I asked him to stop (I hate it!) and his response was he just liked being annoying and he didn't really stop. He's now an ex!

SwanVests · 01/02/2018 11:49

I love that you think he might be simple. I don’t know why I find that so funny.

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2018 12:20

I meant the in your first post. You say you don't like it but you put .

Isetan · 01/02/2018 12:25

It doesn't matter why, it matters that you don't like it. So tell him you don't like it and that it must stop.

In the future if he exhibits behaviour that you don't like, particularly if it involves your personal space, tell the him.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/02/2018 13:21

That's the acid test. Whether he stops if you tell him it's too much

f83mx · 01/02/2018 15:43

I don't think there's any deep meaning to it - depends whether you like it or not (not really clear from your OP) - I would hate it, there's a difference between being tactile and being hugged/holding hands and constantly being tweaked, tickled and pinched etc - that would just irritate the hell out of me.

RedForFilth · 01/02/2018 15:58

Just sounds like he's very tactile and you're not so maybe question the compatibility? I'm very tactile and affectionate and so is my boyfriend. I have been with someone who isn't and I wouldn't again. I spoke to him about it and knew it was just his way but it made me feel unloved/unwanted.

Offred · 01/02/2018 17:17

Why wouldn’t you just talk to him? I find it hard to see how two people can say they are in a relationship but they would rather ask the Internet about something like this that only the other one can really answer.

Riverside2 · 01/02/2018 17:20

hmmmmmm

I consider myself very tactile but what you describe would drive me mad.

Lweji · 01/02/2018 17:21

I'd consider the constant ticking and "play" pinching a red flag. At the very least yellow.
Does the pinching hurt and have you told him to stop?
If so, then definitely red flag.

Original poster

Goldilocks3Bears · 01/02/2018 17:56

Just to clarify, I obvs don’t mind my bf touching me in general. That would be odd.
I’ve just never come across anyone who was that touchy feely.

So it boils down to, is this normal and people have given some answers to that.

There are no red flags, like hurting me on purpose although the knee thing is annoying but I nearly broke his finger the last time he did it so maybe he got the point!

OP posts:

Anatidae · 01/02/2018 18:59

An experiment.

Tell him to stop it.

What does he do? If he sulks, turns it back on you, or refuses to stop, or starts any ‘I’m only blah blah because I wuv you blah’ then there’s your red flag.

Anatidae · 01/02/2018 18:59

Pinching by the way, just no. I’ve had two friends whose severe domestic violence started like that. Pinching, tweaking hair.

Lweji · 01/02/2018 19:49

(There are no red flags, like hurting me on purpose although the knee thing is annoying but I nearly broke his finger the last time he did it so maybe he got the point!*

He's not pinching you by accident and you're already participating in the violence exchange and thinking of yourself as someone who can give and take.

Unless he completely stops doing anything that hurts you, dump him.

Even so, I would dump any boyfriend who did that to me these days.
Seriously.

2rebecca · 01/02/2018 22:12

If it's a habit he has then if it irritates you (and it would irritate me) then he needs to stop it or the relationship is over. Do you want a lifetime of being continually petted? The play pinching sounds unpleasant and controlling as well.

2rebecca · 01/02/2018 22:13

I also hate being tickled, and find ticklers creepy

Pagwatch · 01/02/2018 22:18

I may be wildly wrong but I get the impression that you think the amount he touches you is a manifestation of his interest in you.

You think he can't help himself, he just has to touch you because he finds you irresistible?

It might be useful to realise that pinching and tickling isn't affection. It's a sort of domination thing.
It's more akin to him being a dog and pissing on you
It might be a sign that he thinks you are significant but not really a good indicator that he gives a shit about your feelings.

Maybe tell him clearly to stop. His response will be informative

LesisMiserable · 02/02/2018 09:29

I.agree the pinching is not ok. But I also think it could be two things. Either a sneaky bit of domination -- had this done to me - or like my cat does, he loves me so much that sometimes he licks my hand then bites it ie he gets carried away. I tell him off and you need to tell off your bf too.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 02/02/2018 09:46

How on earth is pinching someone affectionate! Unless of course he is 12 and totally clueless.
If he does it again 'playfully' flick him in the knackers and dump the juvenile moron.

saladdays66 · 02/02/2018 09:49

It may be sensory issues ... it may be to sooth him

fos6mo3 - WTF? Op's boyfriend does not get to use OP as a giant soother. He should get a fiddle toy or a blankie if he needs one.

OP, ask him to stop. See what he says/does. That will give you your answer.

Original poster

Goldilocks3Bears · 02/02/2018 09:49

@anatidae He stopped. I grabbed his finger in a self defence move I know and told him enough with the knee grab already. He got the point. If I don’t want to be stroked anymore, I move.

Thanks to all the commenters - I feel like maybe I’ve triggered some raw emotions in some people and I’m sorry about that if that is the case. I also appreciate the concern although I have zero worries about this man being abusive. Yes he’s a fairly new bf but he comes with a full “service history” but thank you nevertheless.

OP posts:

Anatidae · 02/02/2018 09:55

You shouldn’t need a violent response. The level of aggression just escalated. Telling him ‘I don’t like x so please dont do it.’ Is enough. Or should be. So he’s still stroking you and you just move when you don’t want to? Then he hasn’t stopped has he? He’s not listening to you.

No raw nerves here, just some depressing experiences via friends.

2rebecca · 02/02/2018 11:01

Agree the self defense moves seem OTT for a bloke who is supposed to be your boyfriend.
If "please stop petting me all the time, I don't like it" or something similar doesn't work then end the relationship. You shouldn't need to move away or fight back. This bloke is supposed to care about you.

Original poster

Goldilocks3Bears · 02/02/2018 11:26

Just to make clear - I didn’t Kung fu him in the head. The move is a finger hold the police use. It only hurts if you move.

Thanks to the person who PM’ed me a contact for domestic abuse help. I am actually slightly astonished by my original question about something I consider somewhat childish behaviour having been so rapidly escalated in people’s analysis as an act of violence, abuse and aggression but I appreciate that everyone comes to the discussion with their own backgrounds.

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/02/2018 13:18

I hope you can understand the reason people have brought up domestic violence based on your post. Please don’t be dismissive of people’s experiences.

He is testing your boundaries to see if you will tolerate a little thing. He may not touch your knee again, but may try a different way to violate your personal space... even in a relationship there are boundaries of what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. The play pinching is a red flag- just not appropriate for any reason.

If you tolerate a little thing- repetitively- that desensitizes you. Then he moves up the ladder another rung. Blocking your way, a “bump” to mask a shove. Domestic violence can follow a path of
Softly softly catchy monkey
Begin Low key so that you could be accused of being too sensitive if you complain, at the same time the abusive one giving great loving behaviors to “prove” how nice he is. It is a mindfuck strategy.

It is not childish behavior. It is calculated behavior.

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