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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dealing with Dad's comments..

30 replies

mimp · 31/01/2018 13:35

Hi, I am here to try and get some advice and hopefully a better perception of recent comments from my Dad.

For a brief history my Father in particular has always said how clever my sister is and was uni material if she had just worked. I apparently never had a hope in hell. They moved me into a different school after 2 terms of GCSE's and then I got glandular fever. My results were poor mostly D's. I have always been embrassed about this as I felt I could of done better if circumstances had been different.
Anyway I worked hard and for the last 20 odd years have worked in accounts, married had kids. Brought and sold a few houses, made money doing them up and I also owned a piece of land at one point so built two houses on it and sold them. DH is very clever but has crap parents and has like me struggled with his self worth, he has worked hard and has worked his way up the ladder. We have managed to get the kids into good schools and the oldest is at uni.

So fast forward on the phone to my Dad worrying about the kids and how I can help them etc. Stupidly asked my Dad if he ever worried about me and my sister. Response was, No not you you were only ever going to be mediocre so there was no point worrying. I am so stupid to have asked but I just can't get over hearing those words. DH and I have worked so hard to improve our lot in life without a good education but at best I am still only mediocre. I just can't get over it and my DH doesn't understand why I keep going on about it.
I really need some advice to get over this or move on or just not feel so crushed by it..
Thank you for reading

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/01/2018 13:46

Well YOU KNOW you've done well.
You've worked hard.
You've mad money.
You have been successful.
I honestly can't begin understand what this is like but you need to let go of the need for your dad's approval all the time.
He KNOWS as well.
You were just never the golden child.
You will never be that.
You need to let go of it or find some support to help you do it.
Get to the bottom of these feelings.
Understand what they are and move on from them.

OnTheRise · 31/01/2018 18:15

He's a fool.

You've worked hard and have done really well for yourself. If you were my child I'd be really proud of you.

Ignore what he said. Be proud of yourself.

Cubicfoot · 31/01/2018 18:23

Does he mean academically? Like sport for some people it comes more naturally. I wouldn’t dwell on it.

Still, not a nice thing to say and I’d give him an earfall for it. That said try not to let what other people say upset you, live is much better this way.

LonginesPrime · 31/01/2018 18:27

OP, the fact you've listed out your achievements suggests that you know objectively that your dad is wrong about you and that he has judged you unfairly.

What he said was awful, but the fact that, although you've struggled with your self-esteem, you can see that it's him with the problem rather than you is a very positive thing.

For me, one of the great things about growing up is realising that one's parents are fallible and learning that their opinion is one of many as opposed to the actual truth. It's still very, very hurtful to hear those words from a parent and I'm sorry your dad is being so awful, but his bitter opinion isn't something you need in your life.

From what you've said, it seems that he's always been this way and it hasn't stopped you making achievements in your life, so I would be keeping him at arm's length and not exposing any vulnerability to him.

MidnightVelvetthe7th · 31/01/2018 18:32

If you're a mediocre daughter then he's a fucking shit father!

Stop constantly seeking his approval Wine

You don't need him to validate your life, you are valid already xx

Thistlebelle · 31/01/2018 18:35

The lack is in him.

Only him.

Would you say that to your own child in a million years? Even if it were true?

Of course not.

He isn’t a good enough person to be classed mediocre.

elisenbrunnen · 31/01/2018 18:35

OP - to him you are in the box of 'stupid daughter with no education'. You will never break out of that box, to him. Stop trying to change his mind. Can't be done.

All you can do is keep your own self-esteem - you know what you've done, how hard it's been, how far you've come. And you have come far - well done.

But you will never get validation from him.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 31/01/2018 18:35

Your DF is an insensitive and blinkered eejit. I would feel the same as you OP, if I was on the receiving end of a comment like that. Try not to let it get to you, you know it's utter bullshit. Flowers

Namethecat · 31/01/2018 18:45

Can I tell you something. I expect even if ( in his words)you were not the most academically minded person but had an amazing break and discovered the cure of cancer or the meaning of life etc and made a massive pot of money, he would still favour your sister. Believe in yourself. You have your wonderful family, a great life and nothing to prove to your father. So stop trying.

Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo · 31/01/2018 18:55

The only person who is mediocre is your father.

It hurts like hell still looking for affirmation from a parent. I'm 37 and still sniffing round for crumbs. It's pointless.

You are fantastic. Don't let him tell you what your worth is.

Now go drink some wine/ have a slice of cake, whatever you fancy and treat yourself like you deserve to be treated.

billybagpuss · 31/01/2018 19:03

Richard Branson left school with no qualifications.

Loads of very successful people have no qualifications.

You are definitely not mediocre.

He never had to worry about you, because, you have a very good head on your shoulders and were going to make something of yourself anyway.

I think parents often have strange ways of thinking I know mine do. Pop it in the box of things not to discuss with your parents and go for the quiet life option.

Timefortea99 · 31/01/2018 19:09

You are not mediocre. He is a crap father.

If you are able to I would keep my contact with him very limited, if not non-existent. That is a horrible insult. It's a horrible insult to say to anybody let alone a father to a daughter. There was absolutely no need for him to say those words. What a shit.

Iloveacurry · 31/01/2018 19:10

You should be proud of yourself. The most successful people I know are the ones who didn’t go to university or got A levels etc.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2018 19:14

You've done very well and university is not the be all and end all of life.

I know it hurts when a parent says things like that....but try not to let it ....because at the end of the day you're very successful.

Parents sometimes have no idea how painful certain words can be. Most of us look to our parents for validation and affirmation no matter how old we are.

I'm sure it wasn't a deliberate attempt to hurt you...but I do empathise.

picklemepopcorn · 31/01/2018 19:20

What a mediocre father he is.

You have done extremely well, objectively. Do you have a good relationship with your children? That is worth more than all the rest. I'd not bother with your dad anymore.

Fwend · 31/01/2018 19:23

You are a success in your own right, and sound empathetic and kind despite shitty parenting. That in itself is a huge achievement. Thanks

ferando81 · 31/01/2018 19:25

Your dads an idiot but that's not his fault.You have done brilliant.Plenty of millionaires found school boring but excelled in life.Plenty of people only blossom after school

user1474652148 · 31/01/2018 19:25

I have a father whom is exactly like this, and he says the same hurtful things to my children now.

For me no contact was the only way forward to protect my dc. Low contact is the only way you are going to keep him at arms length. Stop confiding in him when you see him as he uses the information as a weapon to hurt you with. If you must see him keep it quick, bright and breezy.

You have so much to be proud of! Make sure to do Affirmations every day - and keep listing those achievements. You are happy, you are loved - sod him! Who needs someone who is just going to take you down! Be ready next time with a comeback and then leave....empower yourself to tell him that you will not listen to another word and leave. He sounds bitterly disappointed in his own life and is deflecting. Minimise contact and spend time with people that love you and are happy for you

dirtywindows · 31/01/2018 19:29

He's a crap dad. You know that. We don't know why he's like that - perhaps something to do with his own parenting. Just as he's making you feel bad about yourself he's probably also made you sister not feel like she would ever be able to live up to his expectations and therefore not good enough. Like I said he's a crap parent and you need to reframe this - his comments are about his inability to parent rather than any reflection of you or your sister.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 31/01/2018 19:29

You know what, he sounds really lazy. He thought your sister showed promise - did he do anything about that except expect her to work hard? Did he spend time with her and encourage her? And he thought you were average eh? He never thought of spending time to help you improve?

It would be interesting to know what he made of his own life. You and your husband sound as though you've done an amazing job of your own lives, no thanks to either set of parents. You should be congratulated on that!

pog100 · 31/01/2018 19:39

the only crap person around there is him. He had and hasn't an inkling of what parenting means. Work out for yourself what it does mean and apply it to your children. His opinion is worthless, he has proven that. I suspect your sister's experience , though different may not be better. Was your mother any better?

Original poster
mimp · 31/01/2018 19:42

I can't believe how many people have taken the time to respond, Thank you all very much for your words. There is a lot to absorb and ponder on. It is slightly mad at my age to still want validation from my parents I've never had it and I must stop trying to get it. He is ill and time left is short and I really don't know how to process that with the knowledge he will likely die still not accepting me for me.
Thank you all for your comments x

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 31/01/2018 19:45

If it's any help, parents often don't really know their adult children. They see what they want to see, what they have decided previously. Part of growing up is accepting that and no longer needing their approval.

Original poster
mimp · 31/01/2018 19:49

Just to answer previous questions..
My Mum wasn't much better mainly as she took her lead from my Dad although in the last few years she has been a lot kinder with her words, I think this is because I had pulled away and said to her I couldn't have my kids around Dad. This kinda forced her to make the effort.
To answer mybrilliantdisguise my Dad is blind and has not worked since he was 28/29. He never got a good education due to his lack of sight. My parents both inherited enough that they are OK and everything they have came that way instead of through work. My mum is highly educated and very clever, although not very practical!

OP posts:
Tara336 · 31/01/2018 19:51

I have spent years looking for approval and given up. I have been successful in my career, own two homes, have a beautiful daughter who has graduated with honours and am in a happy loving relationship. My sibling is an alcoholic, drags everyone into his dramas (I’m NC as couldn’t take anymore) constantly unfaithful to his wife, shit parent and is workshy... yet which one of us do you think gets all the abuse from their parents? Live your life and know you are amazing in all you’ve achieved