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Original poster

Is it innocent contact?

26 replies

Kaen · 31/01/2018 13:27

Hi ladies,
Was hoping for a little advice.
Ok I'll try and keep it short as possible, but i can't promise lol.
Met my current partner 2 years ago.
I found out he was still in contact with his ex (they ended on very bad terms due to cheating)
We had a row and came to the compromise for the sake of our relationship all contact was to stop as it was detrimental.
And it was a deal breaker if we were going to have a relationship together.
Ok.. so yes i snooped, many will see this as wrong but my gut told me something was up and he wouldn't of told me due to consequences.
And he's still in contact secretly with her. As far as I'm aware no physical meetings but plenty of emails and calls.
Sooo, do i reveal i snooped and see what his excuses are even though he knows what it means to betray me yet again or do i ignore it as its just talking????
Feel so torn as on one hand I'm tired of being disrespected and my feelings ignored or downplayed but on the other is the cliche I do love him very much??
Would be great to hear some opinions xx

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 31/01/2018 13:44

Who cheated?
Do they have kids together?
What kinds thing do the emails say??

dirtybadger · 31/01/2018 14:09

Sounds like you're wasting your time on him. You may well love him, but he's not behaving like he loves you. Would you be calling and emailing an ex behind his back (after explicitly promising not to!)? I expect you respect him more than he respects you, unfortunately. I would be most concerned at how deceitful this is, rather than the fact he's in contact with an ex. Man's a liar.

Original poster
Kaen · 31/01/2018 14:28

Hi thislittlekitty, He cheated.. no kids together and from the emails i see 3 weeks ago it was general chat but he initiated the email. (He has met her before on one occation behind my back) She is also in a new relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaen · 31/01/2018 14:33

Hi dirtybadger, thanks for the message, I'd have to agree on me more than likely respecting and caring for him more, as I'd never behave in this way to someone I loved. A few have said that it's only talking so not to be so jealous but i don't see it that way.

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 31/01/2018 14:34

Can't see why they still need to speak then especially if it ended on bad terms. And the meeting up is weird. I'm guessing he still has feelings for her as doesn't want to move on fully just yet.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/01/2018 14:35

I'm tired of being disrespected and my feelings ignored
So don't put up with it then.
This won't improve.
He can't even keep to your compromise of no contact with her.
That would be it for me.
But I'm older and won't stand for any more crap after everything I've been through.

KarmaStar · 31/01/2018 14:40

Hi OP
You are worth more than a man who is unfaithful,secretive and disrespectful.
Your instinct was 100% spot on.

SharonMott · 31/01/2018 14:54

I would leave without telling him why. You owe him nothing and he would never know you snooped that way.

Original poster
Kaen · 31/01/2018 15:00

Sharonmott, he lives with me so can't just up and go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaen · 31/01/2018 15:03

My daughter is at her fathers this weekend so i think im going to bring it up with him while no one is about. I'll ask the simple question "are you speaking with anyone you shouldn't be" & see if he's man enough. Such a shame that in order to find out the truth I've had to snoop and didn't get the respect I've always shown him. :-(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/01/2018 15:05

That's because he's a disrespectful cheat.
You already knew this because he cheated on his Ex!
He WILL do the same to you!

Cubicfoot · 31/01/2018 15:08

Maybe he felt bad about cheating so wanted to clear the air?

OutToGetYou · 31/01/2018 15:11

What difference does it make though whether he decides to come clean now or not? He's already broken your trust. For me, that would be enough for it to be the end.

Original poster
Kaen · 31/01/2018 16:23

Cubicfoot, no its not because he felt bad, it's to long to explain but it wasnt down to guilt as to why hes kept contact.

OP posts:
Florallee · 31/01/2018 19:47

OP, I had this with an ex. He would not stop seeing her; when I was pregnant, when I went into labour (he spent that night with her) and when baby was born. She was a constant source of insecurity for me. She had moved away but would come down and they would secretly meet up. There may have been nothing in it but since when does a fiance and a child come behind an ex who apparently 'made life Hell'? I was a fucking mug to put up with it.

Joysmum · 31/01/2018 21:26

Cheaters cheat because what they want is far more important to them than what their partner needs from them. They are selfish.

Surprise surprise your cheater is still selfish and he’ll continue to do whatever the hell he want regardless of the needs of your relationship. That’s what you’ve signed up to by committing yourself to a cheater. Sad

Macaronibaloni · 31/01/2018 21:47

I know exactly how you feel OP this is the same situation for me and my partner. He always talks to his ex but I apparently should be fine with it because they are just friends. I however have no clue what they talk about as he deletes most things I just see her name popping up. Drives me mad! I really feel for you! I would suggest casually asking if he's still in contact with her see if he lies. If he does then I'd let rip and tell him you snooped. But then that's just how I would handle it (definitely let my emotions take over).

SandyY2K · 31/01/2018 22:22

You can only control your reaction to his behaviour. If you tell him what you find...he'll just hide it better.

You have already discussed contact between them...it's for you to take action. Confronting is pointless.

I don't think you'll be leaving him though.

Bumshkawahwah · 01/02/2018 01:24

You said it was a deal breaker...and he's broken the deal. Honestly, could you trust him again? It might only be chat, but that is not the point. You said this was important to you, he nodded and said yes, and them went his merry way, doing what he wanted and hiding it from you.

This is not a good sign. It means you won't really be able to trust him when he promises he'll do - or not do - something. You say 'this is crucial to the future of our relationship'? He thinks 'what she doesn't mins about won't hurt her. This is a bit of a crossroads really. Get out because he's untrustworthy, or stay and accept that this is how your relationship is going to be - this is indicative of his future behaviour.

Bumshkawahwah · 01/02/2018 01:24

You said it was a deal breaker...and he's broken the deal. Honestly, could you trust him again? It might only be chat, but that is not the point. You said this was important to you, he nodded and said yes, and them went his merry way, doing what he wanted and hiding it from you.

This is not a good sign. It means you won't really be able to trust him when he promises he'll do - or not do - something. You say 'this is crucial to the future of our relationship'? He thinks 'what she doesn't mins about won't hurt her. This is a bit of a crossroads really. Get out because he's untrustworthy, or stay and accept that this is how your relationship is going to be - this is indicative of his future behaviour.

TheNaze73 · 01/02/2018 08:08

Don’t bark all day, bite!

It clearly wasn’t a dealbreaker for you as you’re still with him.

He’s cheated before, so has form, you must see where this is going? You deserve better

Allmenarewankers · 01/02/2018 09:47

Don't waste any more time on this man - really ! I know what kind of stress this kind of thing can cause . He will turn it around to you as well - somehow YOU will be at fault and not him - for snooping . It's like the bit in Dr Foster - the affair was actually not as bad in comparison to the LYING to your face that he will do if you ask him . Try it and see .

Original poster
Kaen · 01/02/2018 16:46

Bumshkaw' no i can't trust him any longer as said in a previous post "You said this was important to you, he nodded and said yes, and them went his merry way, doing what he wanted and hiding it from you."
Like many women with a cheating disrespectful man I wanted to believe he cared about us as much as i did and would change, but i have to come to the realisation he doesn't and after 2 years of regular and ongoing contact with his ex.. he never will.

OP posts:
Bumshkawahwah · 01/02/2018 18:04

I’m sorry, it is a horrible position to be in :(

Original poster
Kaen · 01/02/2018 18:27

Thank you xx I'm no stranger to the hands of a cheater, my ex of 18 years cheated on me with my best friend, was hoping the bf would have been different but nope, yet another disappointment. Just glad i have a good support system behind me x

OP posts:
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