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Original poster

Should I run for the hills?

33 replies

coffeelover1 · 31/01/2018 10:58

I have started seeing a new BF and we have been dating for a couple of weeks. Things have been going fine, we get on really well and have similar interests and hobbies. There is one big catch which is making me question things.... his mother. I met her for the first time over the weekend and although she is nice I was a bit concerned by how financially demanding she was from my BF. I do not want to give myself away but can say that she is young but recently quit her job as she "could not be bothered" to work anymore. He currently pays her rent and she expects him to finance her lavish lifestyle (she now spends lots of time shopping at high end stores for shoes and bags). She also goes for expensive spa treatments on a weekly basis. She has no savings and expects my BF to pay for all this. He lives in his own house and although earns a decent wage is by no means a millionaire.

I really like him and want to have a future with him but I am not sure if I can do so if his mother expects me/him to pay for her lifestyle. He has confided in me that he does not want to finance her anymore but is at a loss as to how to break the news to her! I find this a very strange situation and am at a loss of what to do. Part of me wants to see how it pans out but another part of me wonders if I should move on (I have only been dating him for a few weeks and we live separately at the moment).

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 31/01/2018 11:16

Why does he pay her "rent" if he lives in his own house?

I wouldn't necessarily run for the hills. But I would want him to get some counselling and to separate himself from his mother (financially at least) before I became more involved.
Whether he is worth hanging around for only you can tell. But don't do it just to support him break from his mother.

Minestheoneinthegreen · 31/01/2018 11:18

I am sure I am going to sound rude, which isn't my intention, but.. you all sound really odd. The mother gave up her job and is treating her son like her sugar daddy. The son is doing it even though he 'says' he doesn't want to. And you have been seeing him a fortnight 'want to have a future with him' and ' live separately at the moment '.

I would hope you do live separately, it's been a fortnight. It all sounds a bit weird and chaotic. For me the mother would be an issue, but I would not be quite so over invested in a relationship that actually wasn't a relationship yet.

honeysucklejasmine · 31/01/2018 11:20

He'd need to take action on it before I committed. But it's very soon to even know about these things, let alone be thinking of calling things off because of it.

LizzieSiddal · 31/01/2018 11:21

If you like him I’d stick around for a bit. He’s saying he wants to stop paying the rent but doesnt know how to tell her. That points to her not being a particular nice person as he’s afraid of her reaction.
But that doesn’t mean he’s not nice.
I had a crap mother, (a nasty alcoholic) and was very frightened of her until my lovely Dh helped me go non contact.

Only1scoop · 31/01/2018 11:22

Ugh

I find that an uncomfortable read

Almost like he's told you all this as if it's something he's proud of.

You've known him a fortnight and seem to know much of his financial dealings.

I'd personally be rather cautious

PipGirl404 · 31/01/2018 11:28

This is weird. Affa weird.

lunar1 · 31/01/2018 11:32

The whole thing is odd, even down to you knowing so much about their financial affairs. Isn't it normally just dates and sex a few weeks in?

It's a while since I've been single, has it changed???

Bananalanacake · 31/01/2018 11:34

Ask him " aren't you ashamed of her being a lazy, greedy, grasping cow" If he's living with her fine. If not he doesn't owe her any money.

Original poster
coffeelover1 · 31/01/2018 11:52

I agree that it is very odd. He lives alone at his own house (it is on mortgage) in an ok area. She lives in the city centre in an expensive apartment (which she has never been able to afford on her wage). From what he has said, he always helped her pay the rent but since she decided to quit her job he has taken on paying the full rent, bills, and she is constantly asking for more... such as spa treatments, etc.

I have known him for a long time (we work together) and only became an item when I left my EX. I don't want to rush anything but when I met his mother and saw the odd dynamic for myself I just thought "red flag". I did not know anything about this until I met her on Saturday. The first thing she said (after the hello's) was I want to go to the spa and need you (my BF) to pay for it. I then spoke to him about it and he told me everything.

I suppose I really was not expecting this. He is a very assertive person at work and I am very surprised by the way he allows his mother to treat him. I might be reading too much into this but am very cautious after the issues I had with my EX.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/01/2018 12:58

I would see this as a big red flag as well OP.
He needs to cut the apron strings (in reverse - weird)
Is he an only child?

SleepFreeZone · 31/01/2018 13:05

It sounds as though you have plans for his money too and are pissed off that his mum has got in there first! Poor bloke.

StormTreader · 31/01/2018 13:22

I'd be very worried, because if you do end up being a serious relationship, you will end up funding her too.

Say youre saving up for a big family holiday, and she hears about it and thinks "I'm having that money to go shopping", do you think he'll say no? He gets ill and needs unpaid time off work or loses his job, you go down to one income, and she says "well I still need my rent paid" - you'll be paying her rent. You cant change your budget when one of the people spending it refuses to stop spending.

Original poster
coffeelover1 · 31/01/2018 13:25

He has a younger sister who has no contact with their mother.
SleepFreeZone - I don't want to come across as grabby. At the moment I could not care less what he spends his money on, we live separately and our money is separate. I am thinking too far ahead. My big concern is IF I were to move forward (this is a big IF), I would imagine we would share our income and by default she would become OUR responsibility. This has made me think that for now I should just leave it and see where this goes. This has no impact on me at the moment and would only affect me if we started to share our incomes and move in together which is a long way off.

He is close to his sister though and apparently she wants to meet me and it will be interesting to see what she has to say in all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeelover1 · 31/01/2018 13:30

Thanks StormTreader, you have summed up my thinking. Again, I admit I am thinking too far in the future, we are only dating at the moment.

It is just that I am at a point in my life where I don't just want to date someone for a bit of fun with no intention of settling down with them in the future. I see her as a big obstacle in moving forward with him (if this were to ever happen).

I am going to see how this goes for now, it has no impact on me for now. I guess if we do get serious I will have to see if/what has changed.

OP posts:
MrsExpo · 31/01/2018 14:28

Sorry to have to say this OP but he comes over as a bit of a spineless whimp. He has his own home but still subsidises his mother in the way you’ve described, so he’s paying his own overheads - mortgage etc - as well as hers AND paying for her jollies to the spa, expensive clothes etc. I’d need to ask myself why he’s doing this, and if the answer is because he hasn’t got the nuts to stand up to her then I’d be out of there. To me, this isn’t about you being grabby, it’s about him allowing his demanding mother to use him in this way.

Stick around for a bit and see how it goes, but tread carefully.

meowimacat · 31/01/2018 16:01

Wow two weeks in. This would be a bit too much for me. You can't come between a mother and son, and it is up to him to grow a backbone.

To be honest my parents are of the mindset that children should look after their parents in later life. But this is taking that to the extreme.

Maybe continue to date him if you really like him, but you could always tell him that the way he is with his mother makes you feel uncomfortable.

Begrateful · 31/01/2018 16:14

OP you are right to have these concerns when think way ahead. It seems mother may have him wrapped around her fingers and he needs to grow some balls quickly. It’s a good idea to wait and see how it goes.

SnowGoArea · 31/01/2018 16:28

I don't think it matters that you're 2 weeks in - if some of us (myself included) picked up on the red flags waving in those early days then much pain and wasted time could be avoided.

You knew him well already so reasonable enough to be imagining a potential future.

I'd go cautiously for a little longer to see what his plan is, but I would not consider merging finances or moving in with someone in this setup under any circumstances (although that's clearly a long way down the line, if at all). If this starts looking to be something that would limp along forever with him periodically acknowledging that it needed addressing, then no, get out sharpish!

Original poster
coffeelover1 · 31/01/2018 17:16

Sorry for the confusion, we have been dating for 8 weeks. I should have said a few weeks not couple in my OP.

Thanks for the advice, I think I should just see how it goes. I did wonder if I am being the horrible one, I am all for looking after parents. I was just surprised by the extend he does!

It might all change anyway. He has always helped out with the rent (we are talking around £300 per month from what he has said). She only quit her job recently which is why it has snowballed and she now has him paying her full rent, bills, and lifestyle. He did confide in me over the weekend about how he is not happy about it and does not know what to do! I am just going to stay out of it and will see how this goes.

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 31/01/2018 17:40

Could it be that he's not being completely honest with you and actually owes her money? It's just so weird if he doesn't!

Bananalanacake · 03/02/2018 10:57

Yes. She could have helped him buy his house and he's now paying her back.

yetmorecrap · 03/02/2018 14:11

Out of interest ,are they British? Could it be a cultural thing?

SeaEagleFeather · 03/02/2018 15:42

If he stops funding her, you will be the villain in the piece. She'll be a long and unpleasant presence in your life - people who assume they can live off others as their right never take a No gracefully, even less when they actually have to make lifestyle changes.

He shoudl be making this change without you having said a word to him.

In your shoes I'd be saying that I don't think there was a future because it'd be a relationship between three people.

Original poster
coffeelover1 · 05/02/2018 16:00

Sorry for the late reply, it has been a hectic few days.

They are not British, he was born and raised here but is from another culture. This is my first experience in dating someone from this culture so am not sure what to make of it.

I brought it up with him this weekend and he told me that as the "man of the family" he is supposed to provide Confused. Not sure if this is relevant but he started helping her out when his dad left his mother.

I have had a good think about this over the weekend and there are three people in this relationship which is one to many! We having only been seeing each other for a few weeks and already this is a big problem. He keeps complaining about having to give his mother money and expects me to have some sort of solution. Unless something miraculously changes this week I am probably going to have to break this off. Only awkward thing is that we both work in the same office, although thankfully in different departments.

I will update after seeing how this week goes.... wish me luck.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeelover1 · 05/02/2018 16:07

Forgot to add, the reason I am so irritated is that we are supposed to be going to a concert next month. It is expensive when you add in food, accommodation and what we have spent on tickets. He told me (yesterday) that he cannot afford his share of accommodation because he needs to pay his mother's bills Angry and expects me to foot the bill. Maybe I am being grabby but I was expecting him to go 50/50 with me! I have a friend who really wants to go and am thinking of asking her to take his place. If I do that though, I know we will split up over this. I didn't really respond to him yesterday but am getting so annoyed when I think about everything.

OP posts: