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Original poster

Relocating? Would you if you were me?

35 replies

Hanber · 30/01/2018 19:25

And over what sort of timescale?

In a relationship for just on 5 years. We don't live together as we like our own space for now, it would be difficult for DP to move in here and he doesn't have enough room in his place.

He hates where we live. He's from a different (cheaper) part of the country. He's lived round here for about 15 years but never settled, he was only here for his Ex and their children. She'd originally agreed to go back after a few years, then kept moving the goalposts. DP doesn't have any friends here, and his family are all back where he's from. He was only staying round here for his DC and me. He no longer has contact with his DC sadly (DC choice) and is seriously thinking of going 'home'. His parents are also getting older and may well need care in the next few years, and that would fall to him.

My DC are late teens, were born in this house. None of them are going to uni and aren't interested in moving out of home. I don't want to leave and sell the house from under them certainly.

I've talked to them about maybe moving to where DP is from. Youngest is quite amenable, the others don't know if they would want to come/ don't seem keen.

I'm not putting my DC (even though they're basically adults) before him. I wouldn't do that. But I don't want him to stay here for me, I do have reservations about long distance. And I'm also mindful about what happened with his Ex. I don't want to keep saying I'll move someday and keep pushing it back.

Part of me thinks do I want to move? I've never lived more than 15 miles from where I do now. I have friends here although none I'm that close to. And my family are gone now except my DC. But it's a big change.

Ways?

OP posts:
Chugalug · 30/01/2018 19:30

I think ,neither of you are in to each other enough to make this work..or it just would do...I think he needs to move home and you need to stay put..take it in turns visiting each other..see what happens,but I expect it will fizzle out,but that's ok...not every relationship is going to be the love of your life x💐

Original poster
Hanber · 30/01/2018 20:07

I'm not sure how you got that from my post but it's not the case at all, he thinks of me as a partner in all senses and vice versa. I'm not looking to end what is a good relationship just how to deal with his need to relocate.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 30/01/2018 20:13

I wouldn;'t move in those circumstances, no. It's not like you are living together and your teenagers are your priority.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/01/2018 20:16

I wouldn't move. Not yet. Your kids aren't independent yet, they need a home.

JakeBallardswife · 30/01/2018 20:19

Could you live together here with your DC for another 3-5 years then reassess? Surely he'd still want to try and have some contact with his DC too? If he's closer to them in distance it may make it more likely to happen rather than him being the other end of the country.

wysteriafloribunba · 30/01/2018 20:21

God no. You've not even lived together. Why on earth would you take the risk of selling the family home and moving away for someone you don't really know? You never really know someone until you have lived with them for long enough for the honeymoon period to wear off.

If you take the plunge, don't sell your home. Rent it out.

The other thing I'd be wary of - ending up caring for his parents..

Original poster
Hanber · 30/01/2018 20:30

I'm not intending to move immediately, but I'm loathe to say I'll move in 3 years or whatever without knowing if that's a realistic timescale.

We can't live in this house together, if that was possible we would have done by now.

He definitely won't stay up here for more than a few months now even if there was a way for us to live together. There is no chance of any contact with his DC in the foreseeable unfortunately. And DP is conscious of his parent's health.

I'm fortunate that I could afford to relocate without needing to sell (not immediately anyway) so moving and renting would probably be the way I'd do it at first. I don't really know the area, so I wouldn't want to buy a house without getting to know it more.

OP posts:
NormaNameChange · 30/01/2018 20:40

With your latest update, why not rent somewhere together locally and put tenants in your house? Keeps your children in thier home area and then maybe in a year or so decide if you want to move as a family?

Original poster
Hanber · 30/01/2018 20:48

Renting this house out would be tricky at present, and the cost of renting another house this size would be huge, I would be worried about incurring a huge liability for which I'd be reliant on letting out this house if I can. Where DP is from I could rent a house bigger than the one I have, for what he's currently paying for a tiny flat.

The main reason not to rent up here is his timescale for going home though.

OP posts:
Bells1234 · 30/01/2018 21:06

I won't be much help but my mother basically done what you are contemplating- I was 18 I was told I had 2 choices stay where I am and sort myself out or move other side of the country! I chose to stay!! But 3 years later- I had my own property by then- decided to move and although I miss home occasionally- I've gone from city to village!! And it took a while- I've met some new friends and I'm actually pleased I did move, it's been 11 years, my mum and step dad split up ages ago but she chose to stay here and I'm pleased I did move in the end! Not quite sure what I'm trying to say lol but sometimes even if life dont go as planned a new area although scary can work out for the best! Sometimes you need to take risks?!

Original poster
Hanber · 30/01/2018 21:38

Thanks, that's really interesting as one of the things worrying me is being a long way from my DC, we have a great relationship. I hadn't thought that of I mpved they might come with me later. Glad it worked out for you and your mum.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 30/01/2018 22:55

I wouldn't move because of your children and your friends are where you live. Would you not miss your friends and your network?

But also, it's really sad and weird that he's spent 15 years in a place and he's been so against it. Also, why don't his children want to see him? What about work? Is he changing jobs and do you work?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 30/01/2018 23:00

Everything sounds much more about where either of you live than your relationship. How do you really feel about each other?

Original poster
Hanber · 30/01/2018 23:50

I don't think of myself as having a network. I've got a small group of local friends whose DC were at school with mine, I see them maybe 3-4 times a year? It's not like I'm that close with them.

I've also got some childhood friends who live within an hour, but I haven't seen them since November and probably won't again til the summer.

It's my DC I'm more worried about than friends tbh.

DP works for himself, he can very easily relocate. I could potentially move to a different office in my current firm or work remotely. Less of a done deal but not impossible to arrange over the next few years ( for me this won't be a quick move). He hates it here, it was only ever meant to be short term but his Ex (wife at the time) wouldn't move.

It's a difficult situation with DPs DC. There was a period of time where he couldn't see DC. He can now but DC has chosen not to see him or have any contact (which sad though it is, is their choice to make).

Where we live is pretty fundamental to our relationship, so I have to think about it. Especially knowing it was a factor in the breakdown of his last relationship.

OP posts:
FredaNerkk · 31/01/2018 00:05

You asked - would you relocate if you were me?
No I wouldn't unless you mean a distance of around 60 miles. I would want to stay close to the area where my older teenagers appeared interested to set up their adult lives. I would also want to provide a family home for them if they aren't yet ready emotionally or financially to fly the nest.
But maybe you feel it wouldn't be so bad to cut the 'apron strings', and important for you to stay with OH. That sounds reasonable too.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 31/01/2018 00:51

No. It sounds like a good relationship as it stands...but perhaps it is really a “good enough for now” relationship? Your moving to follow him would essentially be you being a tag-a-long if he has decided he is going, that’s that. It sounds like he is giving your circumstances very little consideration in his decision to go.

Perhaps you like to think you are partners in every sense, but the reality is that you are not. Living together is a big deal. I agree with Wisteria’s post. (Also the excellent point of potentially finding yourself maneuvered into a position of caring for his parents.)

Has he asked you to go with him? If he has not asked and is just leaving it up to you to decide to follow him or not, then the answer is no. Don’t make such huge changes for someone who is ambivalent about you.

Your gut instinct about not selling the house out from under your children is the right direction to follow.

LellyMcKelly · 31/01/2018 01:12

He’s been there 15 years. You’ve been together for 5 years. You don’t live together because his place is too small but even though your place is big enough he can’t live although he is mobile. He has no friends in the place he has lived in for 15 years. His kids don’t want to see him. How does he get on with your kids?

MeAndMyDog · 31/01/2018 03:55

no no no.

He's lived there for 15 years but doesn't have friends? Don't move anywhere with him he has zero social skills and you will end up isolated. You don't even want to live with him why would you want him to be the only human in your life?

I wouldn't move teenagers, and I wouldn't move off and leave them.

As far as your friends, there is a difference between having a network and only spending a little time with it, and knowing NO ONE. You don't seem to understand what you have in your life right now, how much you would be giving up.

Original poster
Hanber · 31/01/2018 07:52

He's always been very open about his intention of going home, right from the early days of our relationship Originally he was going to stay up here until DC was 16, but now they're not in contact there's no reason to stay. Were it not for me he would have gone already.

He has a lot of social skills, but has few opportunities to meet friends here really. he does have friends back home. He does get on really well.with my DC.

I do take the point about my friends, but I could always come back here several times a year. I don't rely on any friends really.

That said I'm not sure when I can leave my DC. But if I don't move at some point there is really no future in this relationship. There is a lot to be said for moving there, I could afford to buy a property for myself and give each DC about a 50% deposit on a house, if they wanted to come to.

OP posts:
Cubicfoot · 31/01/2018 08:24

Depends on finances a little, if i were a little excited by the idea, I’d wait until the dc were a little older and then go for it.

I would give the dc some cash to set themselves up, but also keep enough that if I wanted to move back I could.

Original poster
Hanber · 31/01/2018 09:24

There is definitely some appeal to movingly. Being able to reduce the amount I have tied up in property is appealling, and means I can get DC on the property ladder too.

It's time though. 3 years...5? Longer? That's what I can't work out yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hanber · 31/01/2018 12:56

Just looking at houses. Based on current prices I could definitely sell this, but a similar size property, and have a good deposit left over for each DC (about £60k each). That's a definite plus. But it does mean moving to a completely different area where I'll know no one.

I do need to think about whether I could make friends there.

OP posts:
MeAndMyDog · 01/02/2018 00:57

I do need to think about whether I could make friends there

yes, especially considering that according to both you and your DP, it is completely reasonable to live somewhere for 15 years and have zero friends.

Why isn't he in contact with his children? Why isn't it a big red flag that his own children won't have anything to do with him?

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/02/2018 01:07

What struck me was that despite living here for 15 years he hasn't got any friends. Even his kids don't want to see him.

After 15 years does he have friends back home
I wonder (may be being cynical) but is he expecting you to sell your place. Move with him and help him look after his elderly parents.

DownTownAbbey · 01/02/2018 06:47

From an objective outside perspective this seems like a very bad idea.

I've just seen a thread where a woman had a best friend for 5 years that turned into a relationship so they married. He moved her away from family and friends. Then she saw the real him and he became abusive. Pps are right. If you haven't lived with him you don't know all there is to know about him so selling up and moving away is hugely risky.

He has no friends after 15 years? I'm cautious about making friends and in 15 years even I'd manage it. Does that mean he only ever goes out with you?

He has friends back in his home town? After 15 years away? Possibly, but given his inability to find new friends that seems odd.

Again pp have already said that you may end up caring for his parents. You'll be trapped by guilt about leaving then.

The biggest 'red flag' though is his own children want nothing to do with him. Why? Has he told you why or have you spoken to the kids themselves?