Relocating? Would you if you were me?

[Hanber]

And over what sort of timescale?

In a relationship for just on 5 years. We don't live together as we like our own space for now, it would be difficult for DP to move in here and he doesn't have enough room in his place.

He hates where we live. He's from a different (cheaper) part of the country. He's lived round here for about 15 years but never settled, he was only here for his Ex and their children. She'd originally agreed to go back after a few years, then kept moving the goalposts. DP doesn't have any friends here, and his family are all back where he's from. He was only staying round here for his DC and me. He no longer has contact with his DC sadly (DC choice) and is seriously thinking of going 'home'. His parents are also getting older and may well need care in the next few years, and that would fall to him.

My DC are late teens, were born in this house. None of them are going to uni and aren't interested in moving out of home. I don't want to leave and sell the house from under them certainly.

I've talked to them about maybe moving to where DP is from. Youngest is quite amenable, the others don't know if they would want to come/ don't seem keen.

I'm not putting my DC (even though they're basically adults) before him. I wouldn't do that. But I don't want him to stay here for me, I do have reservations about long distance. And I'm also mindful about what happened with his Ex. I don't want to keep saying I'll move someday and keep pushing it back.

Part of me thinks do I want to move? I've never lived more than 15 miles from where I do now. I have friends here although none I'm that close to. And my family are gone now except my DC. But it's a big change.

Ways?

Why can’t he move in with you there?

I wouldn’t relocate so far to move in with someone I’d never lived with. What if you hate it/each other. And you’ve sold up and moved all that way for him

youll likely lose your kids if you move

Why won't his kids see him? Why was there a period of time in which they couldn't see him? Big red flags.
And no I woudn't go. Stay with your DC, even if he goes without you.

I know why he didn't see DC, and I can extrapolate from that why DC won't see him now. This has all happened during our relationship, so it's not like I'm just taking his word for historical events, iyswim. It's a very sad situation I can't say more than that but I do think as DC matures in a few years contact will resume. DP certainly isnt giving up, hes just not pursuing it for now knowing DC isn't willing.

He is self employed, in a solitary type occupation so hasn't had scope to meet people through work really. He doesn't drink or play team sports (most men I know that don't have workmates as friends, met their mates down the pub or through football, rugby etc), and when he was married used to do childcare at eves and weekends anyway when he wasn't working, as his wife worked shifts. I know quite a few men with few/ no friends so it doesn't seem odd to me really. I'm not exactly over burdened with friends myself.

Living together in this house isn't possible. Renting another house locally would be difficult and costly. I think the best way forward all things being equal, is when I'm ready to start the move in maybe 3-5 years, to rent somewhere down there together. That way if I don't like it, or we can't live together, I don't end up financially lumbered. Renting there is so cheap I could afford that for 6-12 months without needing to rent this out.

Saying all that, if my DC wouldn't come and weren't happy I was going, I wouldn't go.

If you move for him, how will you make friends there?

How did the 2 of you meet, since his life has made it impossible for him to meet anyone else?

If he hopes to resume contact with his children, why does he want to move far away from them?

Red flags all over. No, I wouldn't move if I were in your situation.

Why are you being so mysterious? You’ve asked for help to make some decisions, but you’re not giving enough facts for people to help.

Why can’t he move into your house?

Why couldn’t he see his kids? Was he in prison? Accused of child abuse? I can’t think of any other reason why he couldn’t see his children.

You live apart because you want your own space, what makes you think that’ll change?

How old are his kids?

He definitely won't stay up here for more than a few months now even if there was a way for us to live together

Then separate. You have a house, a life, a job, some friends and your children there, why should you lose all of that because he doesn’t like living where you met. He’s not even discussing it, let alone compromising. He’d stay if he was seeing his kids, but he won’t stay for your kids...doesntbyhatbtell you all you need to know?!

Living together in this house isn't possible.

Why on earth not?

Everyone is saying the same thing.

You know why? Because he has issued you an ultimatum, I'm off, now follow me or don't, but I'm off. That tells you all you need to know.

Let him go, see what happens in the next year long distance. If it is a good relationship you will make it work at weekends etc. I would not decide anything yet.

I thought this, care for his parents as you said it fell to him but can he anyway? Also just as on the other thread where the lady has relocated away from family & friends to Texas, you would be leaving what friends you and your children have, work colleagues etc to move in with someone in a new house and in a new town.

Is he self sufficient in that he can pay his way or does he need money from you and your current home to move?