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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When your partner reads your post on MN

39 replies

Blackkitten · 30/01/2018 12:51

I found out some time ago that my DP had been reading my posts on here and also contributing to thread. He also snoops and reads and sends messages on my phone. This makes me very uncomfortable I am now very wary what I write as not to be identified which is such as shame as have always loved the support and advice offered on here. He denied everything at first but does not really seem to understand why this upsets me. Relationship a bit of a mess and most likely over but would value thoughts on this.

OP posts:

Brakebackcyclebot · 30/01/2018 12:55

Hi OP.

For me it's an issue of trust, an invasion of a private space that you thought was yours. The fact that he denied everything at first shows he knows it is wrong.

My ex partner read many of my threads a few years ago, and it felt like a massive invasion of trust. He also read all of my emails. I was horrified, and he read some things that he'd rather not have read. I had no sympathy.

I could not be in a relationship now with someone who did this. My private space is my private space.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/01/2018 12:59

Sends messages from your phone to who???
What sort of messages?
Get a passcode put on your phone immediately.
Ensure you log out of all pages and searches.
And definitely get away from this controlling man.
You say it's a mess, so don't stay.
Make your plans to leave.
This is not normal behaviour!

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2018 13:23

He's controlling

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship

WorldPeasAndSweetcorn · 30/01/2018 13:24

Creepy. Get rid.

MephistophelesApprentice · 30/01/2018 13:30

She reads all of mine, I read all of hers.

MephistophelesApprentice · 30/01/2018 13:31

posted too soon... It works for us, but I can imagine it feeling invasive.

ChutneyNose · 30/01/2018 13:32

With all due respect it is a public forum so there's not really much you can do. The snooping on the phone is not cool (contrary to what most MNers opine).

Angelf1sh · 30/01/2018 13:33

I think for me it would depend on what you mean reading and commenting. If he has his own mumsnet account, read the threads naturally and then commented, then I think that’s quite different from logging in on your phone as you, reading what you’ve posted on and then commented whilst pretending to be you. If you’re talking about the latter scenario then I’d not want to be in a relationship with that person. It’s seriously weird behaviour.

demirose87 · 30/01/2018 13:36

I don't think it's that weird. The going through the phone is yes, but not the mumsnet thing. My partner sometimes goes on and reads mine, only really because he's interetsed in the threads or whatever, not to check up on me. We have nothing to hide from each other. But he wouldn't dream of just picking up my phone and going through it.

Isetan · 30/01/2018 15:04

He sends messages from your phone! It's time to get out of this relationship, there's no parallel universe where he's different.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/01/2018 15:47

Stop reading each others posts, messages etc....
It clearly does NOT work.
It's an invasion of privacy.
Your DP comes here for support and can no longer get it due to your snooping and controlling and intruding.
STOP IT!!!!!

ClaryFray · 30/01/2018 17:02

Change your username.

Or tell him to knock it off.

Reddlion · 31/01/2018 00:44

creepy and happened to me partner was logging in his my phone because of internet history

TheNaze73 · 31/01/2018 08:08

What a vile person he is.

Anyone who snoops or spies on a partner like this, needs to be kicked into touch.

welshdee · 31/01/2018 08:30

Depends what you mean when you say he reads MN & use's your phone to reply?
He has an account ? Does he know your user name.

I had an ex who knew my name on a site he would read my posts set up an account & reply to all my posts. It was dead weird . he never commented on any thread apart from the ones I posted on.
It was his way of controlling me & to watch what I was doing I personally put up with it for far to long.

ChilliCheeseMama · 31/01/2018 08:41

Rule of thumb for me is generally don't put anything on the internet that I wouldn't want my Nanna to read - having said that, I have definitely sought advice on here about me and my OH!

Maybe he needs to take stock of why you have to ask people on here for advice? I understand it's a support network but is he being particularly unsupportive? Does he keep doing crazy things which you have no idea how to respond to?

Also please DONT STAY WITH HIM. Anyone who looks through your phone is looking for a reason to ruin the relationship. Also this is really controlling, and you shouldn't have to worry that every bloody thing on your phone could be cause for an argument, I've been there and done that and it wears you down so much and you end up having no friends.

If you are going to stay with him, encourage him to seek help for insecurity so he can stop being so controlling over you. Also change your username on here and delete any posts that could identify you. Also don't post anything you wouldn't say to his face as if he ever came across anything again, looking for it or not, it can make you feel extra guilty if you haven't got an explanation for why you said something (eg if you think he's a lazy git, then be prepared to tell him that's what you think!) xx

Corroboree · 31/01/2018 09:01

I used to be quite well recognised on MN, always had the same name, for about 8 years. Unfortunately, once we started to have difficulties in our relationship, he started to look at what I was posting.

Yes, it is a public forum. It is, however, anonymous, and many posters are brutally honest about all sorts of aspects of their lives. All that is negated by someone that knows another's identity, and specifically reads their posts.

I have lots of usernames now, and change regularly. It's sad, as I miss my old friends on here, but necessary.

Cubicfoot · 31/01/2018 09:03

The phone thing is wrong, mumsnet is public.

Original poster

Blackkitten · 31/01/2018 09:22

To answer a couple of questions, he has read all my posts recent and ones before we met, worse bit really is that he has used said info against me. I have changed my user name but still careful what I write, I realise it is a public forum but the point is we are able to say things on here that maybe we could not say in real life. God knows how he gets into my phone but he does, the messages he sent were to my ex. We are good friends but not allowed to see each other now as he hates our relationship

OP posts:

Corroboree · 31/01/2018 09:22

Change the passcode to your phone.
And the password to your MN account. (Make sure the account you use for email to MN is also secured).
ALWAYS log out of MN, and clear your browser history.

I suppose the root of it is why is he doing this?

Do you have a trace of messages he's sent from your phone? That is worrying that he would send messages "from you".

ferando81 · 31/01/2018 09:27

If you put it on a public forum ,what do you expect?.
People post on here as if what they are saying is objective,it's not,it's subjective.If I found out my partner was misrepresenting our relationship I would be tempted to put my point of view.

PsychedelicSheep · 31/01/2018 09:27

He’s a creepy control freak, this won’t get better. I’d make plans to leave asap.

Cricrichan · 31/01/2018 10:19

That's not on. When I write on here I alter my situation slightly to make myself less recognisable.

GunnyHighway · 31/01/2018 11:47

Can you clarify your last line please OP? You are still good friends with your ex?

Original poster

Blackkitten · 31/01/2018 12:20

Gunny yes we have great platonic relationship, he has a GF. Very rarely see him now. I let my DP read all our texts as he was worried and could see nothing remotely dodgy or inappropriate. But still does no trust me

OP posts:

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