LBT in two years

[dontlookout]

Hello everyone!

I am going to write this in a bid to stick to my decisions and to have some kind of accountability. And of course support from you.

Here is an introduction to my husband.

He slept with a prostitute at least once and it was unprotected. He also slept with a woman that he met on a work trip, set up a fake email account and exchanged at least three emails filled with praise and love. I caught him both times but took him back. He claims that he will never cheat again. Once he promised that he wouldn't contact her again, he went on to call her to clear the air and wish her best for life.

He is emotionally unavailable and maybe abusive. No matter what upsets me he would not hold me or kiss me or reassure me. He would just listen and often not respond verbally. He would most often just be quite, change subject, ask what can he do (but not in a loving way, more in an irritating way) etc.

I have been very clear about my emotional needs but he says he can't change. This is how he is and I should accept it. I feel unloved, i need cared for and need intimacy.

He would kiss and hold me when he wants sex. But even then, foreplay mainly involved my boobs and genitals and then same old sex. There's no romance, nothing new or kind words.

I gained about 20kg since giving birth, have severe depression, my insides are broken (without going into too much detail), I have lost all my sexual desires. I have also lost my career, and my social network. And feel like shit.

His family is vile to me.more about this later. And he has been neutral about it all as he doesn't want to get involved and he says I am more than welcome to fight my own battles with him.

I can't and didn't leave as we belong to a vile backward hell of culture which is misogynistic to the core and if I leave him, I would be ostracised and so will my kids.

I am planning to save money, sort out my credit rating, my mental health and then leave in two years. In the state i am in, I can not leave. I would probably have a break down.

This was my first month and I have saved my money and I have started the process of sorting my heath.

Well done.

Whatever your plan, you need to unequivocally leave this man. Keep your cards to your chest and get everything in order. Good luck.

Good for you.
Break down the plan into lots of smaller bits and get those bits ticked off more easily and sorted. You will feel immensely better for it.
Don't forget to focus on things that make you feel good, that create energy and positivity for you. That will help you achieve your goals indirectly.
Creating accountability is very good, but someone in real life would be better - is there anyone?

Good for you. I am in the process of leaving mine and I took a long time to gear up for it and get ducks in a row (and my situation wasn't nearly as bad as yours).

I found that keeping a journal of his behaviour and my mental state was very helpful for a number of reasons--obviously don't keep this anywhere he might find it.

Take care of yourself.

Is there anything we can say to help you leave sooner?

Thank you so much for all the positivity. It's making me feel very determined.

CousinKriapy
Good luck with your plans!
I am seeing two different counsellors soon, one through my university and the other through GP. So hopefully they will help out.

Whatcanidonowplease
I have really thought about leaving sooner but on advise of some very supportive friends and thinking rationally, I have decided on two years mark. Priority for me is to make sure I am in a position to deal with the wreckage of the break up.

Good luck. It will be hard, but if you are determined and grit your teeth, you will get through it. At a very hard time in my life which had a fixed end date, I found repeating a matra of 'endure, endure', helped me.

Good for you. If you’re ready sooner, you’ll know. Be strong

The very best of luck to you. You sound very determined. I agree that breaking it down into chunks will help

Apart from saving up what are you doing to be in a mentally stable position to leave in two years? Are you in therapy, heve you mentally detached from him. There's a reason you stayed when he made it explicitly clear who he was and if you really want to move on you need to understand why you didn't leave earlier.

Would it be safe for you to access support from a specialist agency. They may be,able to support you with opening a separate bank account to save your money, accessing social groups, finding accommodation etc. Whatever you decide you come across as a strong resilient woman who is doing the best for her children. I wish you the best of luck for you and your children.

Lestan I stayed because I wasn't in the right mental state to face the backlash from the community.
I am waiting for appointment for counseling.

PinkPanthar, I am not at all in physical danger. There's also no financial abuse. I can save up pretty easily, have my own account and have access to his earnings.
I don't have a lot of support in terms of friends and so on. But I am working on that. I am pushing myself into situations where I meet people locally. I am also reconnecting with friends. So hopefully I won't be on my own by the time I am ready.

Could you contact your local women's aid and see what they can offer you for support - maybe some counselling or the Freedom programme.
Well done for having a plan. I wish you well.

Mary
Thanks for suggestion. I have looked at freedom program, it's very good. I looked at it in my previous job for women that the organization I worked with helped. I just do not want to go through it right now as it is very intense and I don't think it suits me right now. Maybe in about a year when I am a bit better I will do the freedom program.

Hello again!
I have been thinking about updating this post for last few days.

I am doing well with finances. I have cleared up some issues that appeared on my credit history. I have also saved up a bit of money over last three months. I have also got my name on the new mortgage.

Mentally, I have been well but had a wobble in last three days. I saw him texting an ex. There was nothing sexual but still, it was inappropriate. I need to remember to not let his indiscretions bother me.

Good for you, keep going. Bit by bit by bit you will get yourself into a stronger position and that in itself will make you more resilient to his shite.

Hello! I hope those that supported me here and those that are making similar decisions read this update.
Exactly two years on from my post, I am not divorced. I am living on my own and I feel much better. Not everything that I had planned happened. I did not save any money at the end. But I am alright, got a job which pays well. I also did not manage to "sort" my mental health. I am on medication that's keeping my mental health issues under control. I think by sorting my mental health I had imagined some magical cure rather than medications.
The most important thing was that I reconnected with people, created a support circle around myself and that helped me leave when I had to.

Well done!

Brilliant!

Wow - well done OP.
What a fantastic update.
Unfortunately there is no magic cure to MH issues.
A lot of time it is based on medication to get you to a stage where you can at least manage and focus day to day.
Well done on the job and the divorce!
You did it!
Be very very proud!

Yay! This is brilliant, well done!

Fantastic OP well done!

This is amazing to read! Well done to you!