Does relationship councilling work for anger ?

[fruity12]

Please help me, I'm at my wits end.

I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. We live together and I have a 5 year old son from my previous partner. He sees his dad and is amicable.

My fiancé has quite bad moods.
He loses his temper and it seems to be getting worse than better.

I've stayed because I generally think things will always get better
I love him and he has great points
He provides a home for me and my son, he get on well when it's good. But we can't communicate and he loses his temper, shouts, is in moods, huffs and puffs and I feel I'm walking on eggshells

I left a year ago for the same reasons and he said he would change
He is now saying he wants to go to relationship councilling and has even booked an appointment

I feel awful as I just can't see him changing
He is horrible when he is angry
Can't reason with him, can't talk and I'm feeling so sad

Am I wrong to walk away and re build a life for me and my son ?
I just want a happy content life and I don't think I'll have this with an angry man ?

Please help me
I don't really have anyone to talk to
My friend and family don't like him so they are on at me to leave

If you're walking on eggshells, he's angry and moody and your family and friends don't like him then run! When your son gets older and starts copying him or your dh gets angry with his teenage moods and you're downtrodden from years of walking on eggshells you'll regret not having left him.

So I'm right for leaving ?
Seems so final and I'm scared and petrified of being alone ! Sounds ridiculous I know but I know my son deserves better
Once I find somewhere I'm sure I'll be fine but even that's scaring me

You would not be wrong at all in my opinion. You have to take care of both yourself and your child.

It sounds as though your husband is intimidating and emotionally abusive. Couples counselling is not recommended in these cases as the bully will just use it as another way to control you and the situation. (Counselling for yourself individually could be really helpful.)

One step at a time. Have you got family and friends locally?

I agree I don't think it will help us both but yes I was thinking i would go and see someone as I think it would help me to repair

Yes I do have a handful of friends
Good friends
Mum and sister but they all hate him so I don't find it helpful sometimes which is why I have tried here
I know in my head it's not a good relationship and when he's bad he's really terrible
He was screaming in my face on Sunday
He acts very childish and i told him he was acting like a bully
He goes off quite badly
Stomping about, swearing and not communicating with me
It's very unsettling
My stomach is in knots

Walking on eggshells is akin to living in fear.

This is no life for you or your son to witness for that matter. You would be right in leaving this individual. Such men do not change, your problem is that you have hung on in the hopes of this getting better. You will need to examine though counselling why you've done that at all. I would also read up on codependency in relationships and see how much of that resonates with you.

Womens Aid are also well worth contacting here and they can and will help you also.

How much more evidence do you need to realise that he is not going to change?. You left him once, you can and should leave him again and this time not go back. Do not ever go into any joint counselling with him because it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Counselling for you alone is more helpful.

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to end up with someone who makes you feel alone. Your fiancé makes you feel bad and likes practically all abusers they can be "nice" (and that is an act also) sometimes to keep you hooked. The nice/nasty cycle he shows you is a continuous one.

What a horrible atmosphere for your poor DS to grow up in.
Please think of him.
And he WILL turn out like this bully.
You KNOW you deserve better.
Please make plans to leave.
Do NOT have counselling with him.
On your own would be good though.
Explore why you have stayed in this situation.
Don't tell him your plans.
Talk to your mum and sister - they have the measure of him.
And get away - as quickly as possible before any more damage is done to your DS.
Teach him that women do NOT put up with this kind of abuse and bullying.
Teach him that men and women should respect each other.
Always!!!
And as PP says, please contact Womens Aid.
Enquire about their Freedom Programme.
You need to learn to walk away a lot sooner than this.
Value yourself!!!!

He did this when lo was at his dads
He is good with him but he does say he is moody as obviously he's old enough to pick up on it

What will women aid do / say ?
I just need to find somewhere to live ASAP

Tell him to contact the Everyman Project. He can get assistance re his anger issue there. If he won't make contact with them and go through the full process then he's a total waste of of space and time

Don't let him suggest alternatives, under no circumstances go to any form of counselling with him. It's his issue if he wants to try to solve it, he will. If he doesn't, then he won't. It's as simple as that

& no credible relationship counsellor would touch this issue with a bargepole anyway. They'd know he's dragged you along so he can say "she makes me angry because.. "

He needs individual counselling. He needs to explore his anger through therapy on his own.

I would set a timeline in my mind... Is tell him he's on a final warning and is mean it. Just one more outburst and is be done. That means blocking and never seeing him again. Lay down the law and stick to it.

Sorry for the delay
I came home and he kicked off...badly
I have come to my mums but I don't know what to do
I have packed for a day as I had to get out.......

Tell him you are not accepting his anger outbursts any longer. Broken record technique don't go into the why's and wherefores.

Tell him to make an appointment with The Everyman Project to get help with anger management. & that you want nothing further to do with him unless and until he does that. That means both attending appointments and working right through whatever plan of action they set up with him. You're away from him now so you can do this by phone.

That's all saying you want to go back to him, as living with an angry man is scary to say the least. You absolutely shouldn't put up with this. It sets a terrible example for your son re relationship dynamics. & Don't underestimate the extent to which your son picks up on the tense atmosphere. Id be surprised if he doesn't have knots of anxiety in his stomach already. As do you, probably. Your son doesn't deserve to have this home set up based on you wanting this particular man.

Also don't engage about any counselling your man may undergo, or you may find he doesn't complete the course. He doesn't need you as a listening ear, his counsellor will have that role.

Angry men are devious.They are perfectly capable of hiding their anger mode completely in order to get a woman to be with them. Then they revert to type after a while.

Contact Victim Support and talk through with the what's happened. They can advise you about housing options and any other assistance you may need. They can also put you in touch with counsellors - counselling may help you explore why you put up with this dynamic (I see you've left him before), and stay strong in your reasons for not going back to him.

You can make a call today

He has to want to change. If he doesn't then there is absolutely nothing you can do but keep away from him. If he claims to want to change then stand back completely and let him do that. He either will or he won't.

You know what you need to do.
This is no life for you or your ds.
You’ve got support from family and friends. Get their help and make plans to pack your stuff and leave him.

Thanks all
So I have no where to stay other than paying for a hotel tonight
I've just done the school run then off to work
Staying at my mums until I find somewhere isn't an option
It's too stressful
I need to go back there tonight and grab some clothes but then I have nowhere to go ? I called housing the other day and they said to call up should I not be able to stick it out there anymore
So I'll be calling them at 9
Thanks peeps
Going back whether he changes or not isn't an option for me
I'm worried and scared but I will never go back now....once I find somewhere I know I will be fine

Womens Aid can help you with local support services.
Please also contact Shelter and CAB this morning.
Get benefits, tax credits etc... in place asap.
Call all the support services you can.
Rights of Women may also be able to help you.
I'm glad you are away from this abusive prick.
Keep away now.

He is abusive. Find a way to stay away from him and protect your child. Good luck x

Exactly my plans thank you everyone
Council office opens at 930 I'll try the other numbers
I have an hour before I start work
I wish I had a day to make all these calls but I can't not go to work

Called council
They said their emergency accommodation is a B and B around 45 mins away
She suggested I try private rent ASAP
It doesn't help me for tonight
I'm looking for a place and got some viewings but in the mean time i have to work and carry on

Good luck with the viewings. Keep strong. You can do this.

Go to the b and b. He won't change.

If he wants to change and make it work for the relationship, he will!

It is that simple...

It's too late
I'm more focused on getting myself out which I'm so dreading
Really finding it hard to find somewhere

The b-b option isn't ideal as it's so far from school and work I would have to give up my job and I cannot afford to do that
It's not ideal at my mums
I just need to find a private rent quick bit it's easier said than done

Airbnb might be a short-term option?