Does relationship councilling work for anger ?

[fruity12]

Please help me, I'm at my wits end.

I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. We live together and I have a 5 year old son from my previous partner. He sees his dad and is amicable.

My fiancé has quite bad moods.
He loses his temper and it seems to be getting worse than better.

I've stayed because I generally think things will always get better
I love him and he has great points
He provides a home for me and my son, he get on well when it's good. But we can't communicate and he loses his temper, shouts, is in moods, huffs and puffs and I feel I'm walking on eggshells

I left a year ago for the same reasons and he said he would change
He is now saying he wants to go to relationship councilling and has even booked an appointment

I feel awful as I just can't see him changing
He is horrible when he is angry
Can't reason with him, can't talk and I'm feeling so sad

Am I wrong to walk away and re build a life for me and my son ?
I just want a happy content life and I don't think I'll have this with an angry man ?

Please help me
I don't really have anyone to talk to
My friend and family don't like him so they are on at me to leave

Have you tried Womens Aid?

Yes called everywhere today
The only option is the temp accommodation so I've gone to my mums
Its not ideal but least I'm not living with him
I feel so down but I know the only way is up
I'm glad I've left but I'm worried about finding a place

Firstly, well done for leaving. It’s a scary thing to walk away but you’ve been super brave to take that step.

Now I just want to address this bit:

I don't really have anyone to talk to My friend and family don't like him so they are on at me to leave

They had good reason not to like him. Sometimes people outside of a situation can see things we can’t and can see things even though we try to hide them.

You’ve made the step to leave him yourself, so let your friends and family help you now. It doesn’t matter anymore that they didn’t like him, because you’ve decided not to be with him.

I know it’s hard when you love someone and your family and friends dislike them. You’re then scared to tell them that actually the man you loved that they didn’t like is actually an arse and giving them that confirmation that they were right to not like him. You’re scared of them saying ‘I told you so’.

Believe me I’ve been there. My parents didn’t like my first boyfriend. I made excuses for his behaviour and tried to make out they were wrong about him. Then about 18 months into the relationship he started knocking me about. And I kept it quiet because initially I had my rose tinted glasses on and thought he could change and didn’t want to let on that he behaved that way to me, because not only would that be proving my parents right it would also mean if they knew they’d hate him and any attempt I made at ‘fixing’ that relationship would be scuppered by their feelings towards him. So I kept schtum and tried to deal with it myself.

After I finally got rid of him (6 years later), I still kept it quiet for a while because I was embarrassed that they were right about him and I had got it so wrong.

My mom in particular was upset I hadn’t come to her at the time and had dealt with that on my own. She understood why, but it didn’t stop her feeling like she wasn’t given the opportunity to help and protect me.

If you’ve left him for good, there’s no reason now not to tell those people you trust and let them help you. Don’t let the fact they never liked him stop you from getting their support, because it reallly doesn’t matter now if you’ve no intention of being with him.

Please keep us posted on how you’re getting on. People here can give some amazing advice and support and point you in the direction of some great support networks

Aw thank you so much
You are all right and so supportive which is just what I need

We had a chat last night and guess what ? Now he's ever so sorry, can't sleep without me, but as hard as it was I can see right through it
I'm upset as I'm in love with the idea of him like when it's good it's all I want but it's not him... he knows I mean business and I think he is shocked
I can't see why when I've tried and tried and he still treats me so badly
But it's not my problem anymore
We have a few financials to sort but I've told him we can do that once I've found somewhere and down the line not know as he will use that to keep communication open and I don't want to
All my things are still there
In his garage and loft but I've said I'll come with a man and van once I've found somewhere saying I have all I need for now
He said he would help me and move me ?! I do not think so
It will be hard but I feel I've done the worst bit x

Well done for staying so strong.
Very impressive.
Of course it will all be about him now.
He won't worry how you feel it will be all 'woe is me' 'I'm missing you'
Blah blah blah.
I really hope you find something very soon.
You've managed to stand up to your abuser so you can do the same with your mum if you need to.
Keep going!

Well done you. I know this is really hard but you are 100% doing the right thing.

Staying with your mum, or finding private rental, might be stressful and less than ideal right now, but view it as temporary. It is just a stepping stone to something better. The longer you remain living with someone like that, the harder it is to get away.

It's very common in abusive relationships to have very mixed feelings about your partner--you can feel fear and disappointment and anger and even hate while at the same time still feeling love for parts of them. I think this is really hard for a lot of people to understand when they haven't been through it themselves.

So your mum and friends might be in your corner, but maybe they aren't always patient and understanding with you having to work through mixed emotions and the long process of emotionally breaking free. It's OK to be frustrated by that, but I hope you can keep turning to the people who are in your corner--they love you and want the best for you even if they don't fully understand.

Thanks yes your right actually
Described how I feel in a nut shell
Like he has transferred money into my account for petrol and my lo recently needed a coat and shoes as when we were together he would support us financially so often when we've fallen out, he will still go to the extent of transferring money to my account
I've told him he shouldn't be doing that
I've said before that he's a good man and when someone asked me to list I mentioned things like that and they pointed out that actually this are just normal things that partners boyfriends husbands do to their love ones
He contacted me today asking how lo was which I said fine obviously
I've said stop transferring money
He's said not to do anything ie look at houses in haste
Not know he is just trying to hold on and possibly thinks I'm going to change my mind

Spot on CousinKrispy

Update

He's been messaging me telling me he has lost his job now
He's devastated and just wants a cuddle
Told him nothing changes and if we were ok I could be supporting him but I can't ?!
He wants us to go away for the weekend ?! ?!
I know it's bad timing and he has been dismissed without pay but ive said it tough
Feels awful being so mean and I do feel for him but even if we were together he has gone and lost his job which was a fault of his own

As per my last post.
It's all about HIM!!
HE needs a cuddle
HE'S lost his job
HE wants to go away for the weekend with you
HE'S devastated
What about YOU?
Did he ask how you were?
Ask what YOU want?
NOPE!!!!
Well done - keep repeating the same message, it will eventually get through.
Block him if you need to or feel that you can.

Lol that made me laugh
I know...all about him ey?!
Can't wait for the confirmation if I've got the place XX

Update...I have found a house and it's all going through
I should be moving in 2 weeks
I've been staying at my mums which is less than ideal but that was because he said he would be nice until I found somewhere and he wasn't
I'm due back there today to grab some more stuff and my stomach is churning
Once I can get all my stuff I can finally move on

Well done OP.
So pleased you've found a place.
2 weeks is a short amount of time.
And then you are free!!!

So glad you didn't fall for his tactics and have somewhere of your own soon. So relieved for you. If it's too much seeing him could a friend or someone pick up your stuff. But if not good luck today. Get in get out! You could set a time limit of ten minutes to do it and stick to it. That way you don't have to listen to his bs.

Hope things with your mum are ok. She might not want to say the wrong thing so might seem distant ect but slowly things will get better. Deep down she will only be proud of you.

It feels like it's been ages already as have been looking for 3wks but the referencing took so long
But yes I can count down now
Yeah I have to go back as is horrible living out a suitcase but least it will be less stuff to get when I do go
Been feeling sick all day
Just having dinner with my family then I'm going there
Can't wait to get my place so I can start to re build my life
I'm living proof it can be done girls / boys
I honestly feel so much better already like there's no going back for me now
Xx

Ok so I've hit a bad point
Why why why does it feel so wrong and why does it hurt so bad ?
I've had time to fully take it in and now it's all happening I feel sick to the stomach
All I want is my 'nice' boyfriend back
The one who was actually nice
Why is it that I can't shake this feeling? I know it's for the best and I know he has a bad temper but why is it hurting so much?

I'm constantly thinking of stuff like our family holidays, times when he has been good, that feeling that he's coming home every night to go to bed and have a cuddle, why why why am I thinking all of this
Why am I not over riding all of this with the memories of when he was horrible to me ?!?!?!?!

I think it’s normal. You’re going through a grieving process and grieving what was good and a future of what could have been.
You just need to remind yourself that he’s not that person and can never give you that.
Remember why you’re doing what you’re doing to help you stay strong.
Read back over the thread if it helps.

Thank you
Just needed to hear it
I've read read the thread and it's helped
I feel like I'm in limbo, 35 yrs living at my mums out of a suitcase with a huge knot in my tummy
I feel so unsettled
I've booked myself a councilling session which starts next Friday
Trying to give lo the best half term
I'm ill too which doesn't help
Terrible head cold and aches and pains