Pregnant and emotional - will I ever forget his lies?

[lexie82]

So I will try to keep this short but it is a bit of a story....

Met partner last March, he was perfect guy! Everything wonderful! He has daughter and I have 2 kids and we all get along like "perfect" family. I moved out of my marital home in the June and we moved in together, we set up home together and I couldn't have been happier.

Then in July I found out his was still chatting to another girl. Not seen her but online flirting and dirty messages for titillation it seemed and so he said. All the promises, sadness, etc etc etc.......we carried on.

Few weeks later I found out it wasn't 1 girl there was many! And lots of fake dating profiles, use of porn, live webcams etc etc.......
He confessed he was a gambler once and he's swapped one addiction for another. It was all fake accounts, so no chance of him meeting them but still hurt like an absolute bitch!!! So I deleted everything I could, he did too, got new phone, tried to move forward with me helping and support more and trying to understand this "stress release" he used. He has a lot of stress from ex (daughters mother) and work etc.......

Then in Nov I found he was back on the porn. Doubt he ever stopped the porn to be fair. No more dating accounts, or talking to actual girls, it seems or so I've not found and I'm good at finding!!

My problem lies that I agreed to have a baby with him in November and fell pregnant straight away. I wasn't overly fussed on more kids but he was desperate for another baby and to be a full time dad, and I want that connection with him. I do truly love him and I want to make him happy, and I do want a baby with him. Just circumstances are fucked at the moment!

But now I'm pregnant, all my anxiety and depression over how he treated me has come back tenfold! I don't trust him to be or do anything, I'm driving us both mad and it's not fair. I cry daily, question his every move and dread looking as I believe I will find something I don't want to! He's saying all right stuff, I've full access to his phone and he's rarely away from me apart from work

I need to know if it will ever feel better.
I know I should have waited longer to trust him again before I fell pregnant but I don't have time on my side and I very very stupidly thought it would help me feel more secure, but its made me feel worse. I feel sick all the time with worry.

He does know how I'm feeling and he says all the right stuff of course. He is putting up with a lot of abuse on this all from me when he seems to be doing the right thing by me.....at last!

Does it ever get better to forget? What can I do more, what can I ask him to do?
Just want to run, hide and cry until its all over. Xx

I had a very similar situation. Fell pregnant far too quickly to a man who I trusted far too easily. Then 3 months pregnant I found alsorts out amongst, lap dancing and very large amounts of porn even at bizarre times. He swore the lap dancing was only once, then friends said this was more frequently. I chose to stay with him when he promised change. I didn’t honk he had put a foot wrong but 7 years and 3 children later, I found out alsorts of lies that spanned 6 of the 7 years. I’m certain there was more too but the only thing I could be certain of was that he would never own up, had to be caught in the action. I decided I didn’t want to live a life with no trust where I would send myself round the twist for a man who clearly has no respect for me. Pay very close attention to a partner who will lie and betray you the first time, whether it be by texts, cheating, paying for services etc. My advice would be to run...I wish I listened to that tiny part of my that knew deep down that this man was incapable of honesty. It would have saved me and my children a lot of heartache.

Thanks @user1477054316
I'm so torn what to do right now. If there was no baby I would give up on us....I'm driving myself so mad........but there is ;o(

I just hope if he is doing the right thing now - how can I ever forget as right now I jsut can't. time isn't helping it's making me worse but not sure if thats cos of baby and emotions it feels worse. x

He won't change. You're a fool for thinking he will.

You met in March and moved in together with kids after 4 months? There's your first mistake.

You forgave him for messaging filth to other women? There's your second mistake.

You forgave him again and again for more messages etc etc? There's your third mistake.

You got pregnant on purpose? Fourth mistake.

Utter waste of time. I would say he's done a number on you but you are in control of your actions and reactions. What a mess.

I understand. I found out some horrible things during my first pregnancy and it affected me the whole way through, I ended up with sky high blood pressure and a very stressed and anxious first pregnancy. Like I say, I thought we had moved on as a couple, we bought a dream home, got married and completed our family before I found out his problems never fully went away. That whole time I was trying to hold our new family together, he was drilling holes in it behind my back the whole time. I do hope mine was a case of me being unfortunate and that your partner has more about him than mine ever did. Please don’t feel obliged to stay with this man if you don’t trust him, you can do-Parent separately. Lots of love xx

@colabottle10 - you are right
But you dont hear and see what happens in between

Yes I know if a GF came to me saying what I've been though I would pack her bags for her....but it's harder when it's your own emotions

When its good - it's more than good.

Doesn't matter that the good times are good. You don't get to think about yourself now you are pregnant.

If you are happy to live your life turning a blind eye to what he's doing, carry on.

He won't stop though because you've allowed him to continue. He's had no consequences because of his actions so he knows he can do it and you won't do anything about it.

You'll be back in a years time when he's gambled away the house keeping and you've no money for nappies. Or when he's having an affair and given you an STD.

Exactly what cola bottle said. You make your bed you lie in it. Not sure why you would plan a pregnancy in this situation. Or move your kids in with a man you had only known 4 short months.

@thislittleKitty

OK so it sounds very very stupid now given the situation I've found myself in....but it felt right at the time, and I am a believer in when you know you know......yes I know this is very stupid now as I didn't know!! He was living with me anyway and costs being what they are it was far more practical too.....it was right, it was perfect, felt right. Everyone kids included where happy and kids still are - they have all been kept very away from this all.

I fully believe we are in a good place, he's been good since the last issue and he's changed his behaviour, and I stupidly believed a baby would make me feel more secure and bind us together, be the final piece. He's been more open and honest with this final time and it was a definate change, light bulb moment for him to move forward with me......

I'm not too worried that he's going to go back - I am little above sure that he won't.....

Really my question comes in help to forget! Never been lied or cheated on before and I'm struggling to deal with it.

You've been at very foolish and at worst irresponsible moving you and your kids in with a man you hardly knew. Do not compound your earlier impulsive behaviour waiting around to be someone different.

If you fully believe you can trust him and are in a good place, why are you here? You have nothing to worry about do you?

I agree with the other PPs, you’d be a fool to trust him and you should never stay in a relationship for the sake of children, it’s a daft excuse for being too chicken to break up. You know you’d have gone if you weren’t pregnant, so why stay and put yourself, your kids and the new baby when it comes through this nonsense?

He sounds like a complete liability.
I'd suggest couples counselling if you want to try and make it work.
Also, complete honesty between you.
You need to decide if you're willing to accept his use of pornography and online flirtations and possibly come to a compromise, as I don't believe he'll just give it all up.
You say he told you he swapped one addiction for another. If that's the case, then there's every chance this behaviour will repeat itself over and over unless he gets psychological help to discover the root cause and finds ways to deal with it.
He very well may fall into gambling again quite easily - are you prepared to deal with the aftermath of that? People can run up masses of debt unbeknownst to their partner.
I'd want to have a view or even be in control of the finances to minimise risk.

If you insist on trying to work things through I'd demand complete honesty and openness on his part, with the ultimatum that if there is any deceit at all, it's over.
Trust may we'll come over time, but it takes a long time to rebuild it fully.
He will more likely be honest if he knows he has your understanding.

I've had gambling issues, and my partner stuck by me on the condition I'm always honest. If I slip, I have to tell him, and we can work it out.
If I hide anything from him, we're over. It means a lot to have his support and I love and respect him and our relationship too much to ever go behind his back. It means I can go to him to talk about any worries before I get any urges to gamble. Maybe your partner can come to you if he feels the need to engage in any addictive behaviour and stop it before it happens.

Good luck x

@Pinky333777 thats the plan now that I know the full extend...if he feels the need, or even does.....as long as he tells me then we can work through it but any lies and it is over and I've been very clear about that.

I'm not going to leave him for watch porn, didn't then and won't now. The other chatting has stopped - and I do believe that. a bit of porn use here and there is OK it's when it goes extreme which I hope we will now work together to prevent.

Its how I can forgot whats happened to move on. I know trust will take more than a long time, but I jsut want to feel better.

Sorry to be harsh, I’m not sure what you are expecting to hear? You have not taken on board what people are saying. You talk about great times but given what you have forgiven already, and how little time you’ve known him, there can’t have been many wonderful times.

You are having a baby you don’t want with a man you don’t trust. Do you really need to ask how it is going to end?

Given your lack of knowledge about him, have you learnt anything about moving men into your house with your children so quickly? Getting pregnant with him so quickly and in such circumstances is also a very big error.

Once the trust is gone, it’s gone for ever.. he will continue to do what he wants, just like he has been doing since you met him in March.

I understand your desire to be a family, but what are you teaching your kids about relationships?

Where to start ?

You don't have to have this baby, there's probably time to rethink.

I really don't want to give you a hard time, but Jesus Christ woman, if you were my friend I'd shake you! You moved your kids in with a man you'd only known for 4 months?! Did you move into his house or did you get a new place together? I hope to god it's a new place!

Then after all this crap he put you through, you quickly let him talk you into a baby that you weren't even that keen to have? Why???

You've been together less than a year, trust takes time to build in a relationship, so it's really not surprising that after this you have no trust in him. There's no simple quick fix to that. By staying with him, you've put yourself in a very high pressured situation, so much rests on this relationship working now, but you don't have the foundations to build it on.

Personally, I don't think I could trust him, and I'm not sure that you even should, but if you want to go ahead with this, I'd suggest working from the ground up. Go on dates, sit up talking at night, build some intimacy (I don't mean sex, I mean that closeness that good relationships have), laugh together, try new things together. I do wish you luck, but I'd seriously suggest you think about how you could leave etc if you did ever want to. Knowing you have a plan for yourself will hopefully give you some confidence in the relationship, knowing that your not trapped.

You've fucked up really really badly by staying with this guy, and especially getting pregnant by him. Sorry. But you need to face the reality of how bad your decisions have been up to this point.

He will definitely hurt you extremely badly in future. He has clearly shown you what he's capable of and your response has been to try to forget what he's like. That is a fatal and horrific error.

Please think of your poor children and the awful things you're teaching them. You're literally teaching them that people can and will treat them like absolute shit and what they should do in response is try to forget. What a sad legacy. They will spend their lives in pain.

For God's sake, see what's in front of your face and make a better choice. What can you do to get out of this situation immediately? Think it through. Think of your children. Please.

How do you build trust in a relationship that's built on deception? You can't, especially when deception is in your partner's DNA.

My sympathies are for your children who are bit players to your reckless pride.

If you want to listen to realistic advice (and I don't think you do)...

1. reconsider the pregnancy

2. if you can do it alone and you really want it, then do that

3. terminate if (2) does not apply

4. get shut of the loser...permanently

5. reset your life to before you met him and then grow the fuck up

I think people are being a little harsh on you given how vulnerable you are but I can completely understand what they are saying.
Did you rush into this relationship after the one with your DC father broke down?
I understand the urgency to not want to miss the boat on having another child but you do also have a duty of care to your current children regarding their happiness and sense of wellbeing and security. Put the children that you already have first. Don't give them an unstable life. I've learnt from bitter experience that you can't change a person like this and I've given up on my chances of having a child as I didn't want them with a man like this. I can't trust him, and a life with someone you don't trust is not one to bring a child into. I would urge you again to do what's right for them. I think that will better inform your decision.

100% agree with AnyFucker

I moved out of my marital home in the June and we moved in together

Sounds like your relationship started with some deceipt.

You wont get a happy ever after with this guy.

X1000 what anyfucker has posted

FWIW I think 2 Is your worst option. I would go for 3 and get him out of your life permanently.

Of course, if you left your marriage for this man, I can understand you might feel you can't admit this relationship is a horrible mistake, but don't compound the error by sticking with it no matter what.

So...I was already separated from my husband well before I met this chap.

I moved out of the marital home as it took so long to do all the sale etc......we then moved into "my house" but "our home" so it's mine not his if things where to finish.

YES I know I've made countless mistakes BUT I have chosen to forgive him, and I DO believe he is now on the right path. As always there is a lot more to this story than you can portray on a few messages on here.

I was quite simply asking if you ever get over a partner "cheating and lying" not really after my situation being judged but hey thats MN.

Thank you all for your comments, good bad and ugly.

x