Pregnant and emotional - will I ever forget his lies?

[lexie82]

So I will try to keep this short but it is a bit of a story....

Met partner last March, he was perfect guy! Everything wonderful! He has daughter and I have 2 kids and we all get along like "perfect" family. I moved out of my marital home in the June and we moved in together, we set up home together and I couldn't have been happier.

Then in July I found out his was still chatting to another girl. Not seen her but online flirting and dirty messages for titillation it seemed and so he said. All the promises, sadness, etc etc etc.......we carried on.

Few weeks later I found out it wasn't 1 girl there was many! And lots of fake dating profiles, use of porn, live webcams etc etc.......
He confessed he was a gambler once and he's swapped one addiction for another. It was all fake accounts, so no chance of him meeting them but still hurt like an absolute bitch!!! So I deleted everything I could, he did too, got new phone, tried to move forward with me helping and support more and trying to understand this "stress release" he used. He has a lot of stress from ex (daughters mother) and work etc.......

Then in Nov I found he was back on the porn. Doubt he ever stopped the porn to be fair. No more dating accounts, or talking to actual girls, it seems or so I've not found and I'm good at finding!!

My problem lies that I agreed to have a baby with him in November and fell pregnant straight away. I wasn't overly fussed on more kids but he was desperate for another baby and to be a full time dad, and I want that connection with him. I do truly love him and I want to make him happy, and I do want a baby with him. Just circumstances are fucked at the moment!

But now I'm pregnant, all my anxiety and depression over how he treated me has come back tenfold! I don't trust him to be or do anything, I'm driving us both mad and it's not fair. I cry daily, question his every move and dread looking as I believe I will find something I don't want to! He's saying all right stuff, I've full access to his phone and he's rarely away from me apart from work

I need to know if it will ever feel better.
I know I should have waited longer to trust him again before I fell pregnant but I don't have time on my side and I very very stupidly thought it would help me feel more secure, but its made me feel worse. I feel sick all the time with worry.

He does know how I'm feeling and he says all the right stuff of course. He is putting up with a lot of abuse on this all from me when he seems to be doing the right thing by me.....at last!

Does it ever get better to forget? What can I do more, what can I ask him to do?
Just want to run, hide and cry until its all over. Xx

Ok then, in short.

No, I've never known anyone get over cheating and lying in a relationship.

Thing is, in the under a year you have known this man, you have moved incredibly fast. You don't know him really, and in what should be the honeymoon period you've already been through all this.

Pain and turbulence can make something seem valuable - "we've been through all this and we're still together" - but it shouldn't be like this in the first place.

I cannot understand women who inflict random, unknown men on their children, and force them to live under the same roof. Your kids had no say in this at all.... And I see despite all the advice, you continue to put him well above and beyond your existing children.

To answer your rather pointless question: No. And when you give the impression that you have, the lies and cheating intensify. Men like this never change. Good luck OP. You really need it.

Your poor children. What a fucked up situation you've dragged them into.
You thought a baby might 'bind you together'?. What, after 5 minutes together and a whole lot of lying and cheating?

Jesus wept.

Right path to where? Another addiction or some other unacceptable aspect of his personality that you have to be in denial about.

I would be considering an abortion at this stage given the background on him that's come to light. You say you weren't fussed about having one, why have one with a man that treats you like this? How complicated is the baby's life going to be if you split up - stepsister here, step siblings there.

You also say time isn't on your side so you're old enough to have known better (guessing you're mid to late 30s). A bit of wisdom usually comes with age. Your life though seems a bit car-crash - sorry but it seems it - and it will affect your children. They have no say in the matter.

Personally I'd have an abortion. If you then want to stay with him then up to you but don't compound your errors by carrying on with it.

I don't think you'll get over the betrayal, no. He's not the father of your kids so you don't have that binding you. It happened early on in the relationship so the bonds between your aren't lengthy either, or had time to deepen. Indeed, how can they deepen when his mind has been elsewhere for ages?! He's already dodgy with his gambling addiction.

You now say it's your home, not his. Well, I hope it is but I'm not sure I believe it. Is it rented all in your name or did you buy it and it's all in your name? Is he paying anything?

Is he not moving on because he has no where to go? Don't hang on to this relationship. Even if you stay together 50 years, it's never going to be amazing, you'll never look back with fond memories of the early years.

You'll think the advice harsh but you're making bad life decisions and your kids will be affected by it so you need to wake up to that.

The amount you're willing to turn a blind eye to, too - letting him watch porn as you don't think he'll stop that. Don't you think you're setting your bar very low? Will you think he's wonderful when he's in his 50s watching porn involving young women or are you going to think how seedy he is? Cut your losses.

I must say I'm often surprised at how little thought goes into bringing a new life into the world.

I don't want to kick you when you're down, but you're in this situation due to a string of horrible errors of judgement on your part, and I don't think you can avoid looking at that.

You're insane if you really think all your children were ecstatic about forming a blended family with a virtual stranger. Of course they bloody weren't. You were reckless in the extreme to move in with him in the first place, much less to get pregnant with a baby you didn't even really want as a band-aid on an already strained relationship.

He is an addict. Without serious hard-core help all that will ever happen is that he'll switch his addiction from one behaviour to another. If he doesn't cheat on you some more it'll be drink or drugs, or maybe back to his old friend gambling - and still with the lying, because that's what addicts do.

No, people don't get over cheating and lying, not like this. This relationship is going to go up in flames and it's your children who will suffer. You need to spend some serious time alone and to realise that your heart makes truly horrible decisions, so you need to go with head instead and be extremely cautious about any further entanglement with anyone. And if you still physically can I would seriously reconsider this pregnancy.

I'm sorry OP but i agree with all the previous posters, what a mess. I can't believe anyone can think moving their children in with someone to try and create/imitate a "perfect family" in 12 weeks is a good idea, jesus wept! No you won't be able to forget all that shit, who could. Its hardly one fuck up in 20 years, this has all happened in 10 months, in front of all your children and in the midst of that you're bringing a new one into it all. Urghhh. If he is even a half decent bloke then for the children and your sanity leave now, sort yourself out and do 50-50 parenting (if you want to keep the baby).

No one is going to be able to help you erase this so you can get over it and forget it. You just have to accept that you fucked up from the word go!

You had blinkers on and ploughed ahead regardless. You never stopped to think because everything suited you. You met someone new, uprooted your children and played happy families with a complete stranger. Now you're the one who has been hurt, it's a problem. Imagine what that's like for your children.

Your children now have experience a break up of a marriage, a forced new family setup and a now a dysfunctional relationship between their mum and her boyfriend.

You moved too fast, you didn't know him and now you have to deal with the consequences

So....I did not leave my marriage for this man, that was well and truly done before I met him. It took almost a year for the home to sell etc so when I moved out we moved in together, into "my house" but "our home" so it's mine if I was to kick him out.

There is a lot more to all this than I can get over in a few posts on here but thank you all for your input etc.....

Think I might have worded it all wrong in the start as I DO believe and trust that he's stopped messing me about. I do.....

I was more about will I ever be able to forget whats gone on and re-build the trust after being "cheated on and lied to". I'm sure more than 1 person on here has forgiven a parter and moved on.....

thank you all for your input good bad and ugly.

x

I DO believe and trust that he's stopped messing me about. I do.....

But you DON'T, deep down, or you wouldn't be asking this question.

And if he has stopped messing you about, he's probably started doing something else instead, like gambling again.

People do sometimes "forgive a partner and move on", but it takes hard work on the part of the partner to prove they are trustworthy, work on the part of the betrayed person to process it, and usually professional help.

Your situation is probably too volatile and unstable for that anyway. A whole year is not very long to process the end of a marriage anyway, and you haven't even been with this guy that long and already it's all fucked. You have no base of stability to get back to.

You contradict yourself in a matter of sentences - you trust he's stopped and yet you need to rebuild trust. You barely know this man and he's proved himself untrustworthy in the first few months, and you're so high on the drama and energy of it all, that common sense and your children's best interests are to the wayside.

I feel for you, and of course it's absolutely your right to decide to forgive... but it would be incredibly foolish to try and forget.

You're finding it difficult for a reason - your brain is trying to tell you something. Forgive if you must, forget at your peril!

The first few years should be the honeymoon stage, shouldn't they? How can things get better? Some women on here have stayed after what you've been through. You'll never know until you do stay but given the relationship is less than a year old why would you even want to? I couldn't and wouldn't stay with him as it will always be there. There's better men out there. He was planning on cheating on your with his numerous dating profiles a mere couple of months in. It's just a mess, compounded by you being pregnant. You'll be left with 3 kids at this rate. Your life.

Think I might have worded it all wrong in the start as I DO believe and trust that he's stopped messing me about. I do

Yeah but your judgement skills are pretty fucked up OP so you 'believing' him is no indication really, is it?

You 'believed' it was a good move for you AND YOUR CHILDREN to set up house after a few months.
You 'believed' it was a great idea to have a baby to 'firm up' a pretty shitty relationship.
You 'believe' that the guy you've been with for 5 minutes and have had some pretty crap times with, lies, porn, cheating etc would make the best dad ever for the new kid you'll be dragging through this shitshow that is your childrens lives.

Yeah, not really feeling that your judgement is stellar.

1. You barely know this guy.

1. Ten months in should be hearts and flowers not betrayal and lies.

1. If you're having to forgive big issues like this less than a year into the relationship I really don't think you have a happy future to look forward to.

1. Keep the kid, bin the bloke and think very carefully before moving in with a man again.

The fantasy of the first five minutes of your relationship wasn’t a foundation, the reality of his lies and deception is. I understand why you bought into the fantasy, who doesn’t find the idea of Mr Perfect seductive but it was grossly irresponsible in involving you children and the decision to stay ‘and make it work’, is another example of you prioritising your wants over the needs of your children.

You see staying as your commitment to making it work, however he sees you staying, as yet another example of your desperate gullibility and acceptance of his behaviour.

There will be a next time and a time after that too.

Your OP reads like a man I once knew. Men like this never ever change.
I’m sorry I can’t give you the answer you’ll be looking for, I do think it’s possible to forgive cheating and lying, but it’s impossible to forget when people very, very rarely change,
I think you will end up incredibly hurt and let down, so be prepared for it.