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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do

30 replies

Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 08:26

DH have our issues. It’s recently come to a head. Sat night he was pushing me around, then held his hand over my mouth. I was laid down in bed. All because I said no to sex.

I feel like I’ve seen the light. I’ve just read an article on ‘bad sex’ and so much of it resonates with me. I’ve often felt coerced into having sex with him and often would give in for an easy life. It’s not right, but I don’t know what to do. He feels I’m a ‘sexless, loveless’ wife who only thinks of herself.

Our lives are pretty hectic right now, we’re due to visit my parents in a week for a big birthday, staying the half term week. We are also going through a very difficult time with one of our DC (we have 3) and I’m not sure they could cope with much else.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
user1498854363 · 30/01/2018 08:34

Op, I’m sorry this doesn’t sound good or right. What do you want? I would often suggest talking/counselling but I am not sure your situation fits that. Do you want to stay with him?
Life is always hectic with kids, and they will adapt to changes. They shouldn’t have to live with such behaviour, if he held down yr child with his hand over their mouth would you be ok with that? What if it was a baby?
Often it’s easier to identify poor behaviour when we see it happen to our loved ones (not us!?)
Get safe! You deserve better or at least to be safe from this....💐

MrsBertBibby · 30/01/2018 08:38

You need to get out. His behaviour is unlikely to do anything but deteriorae.

Go to the police.

Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 08:44

What will happen if I go to the police?

OP posts:
springydaffs · 30/01/2018 08:44

Call your local women's aid. They will support you through this.

He is dangerous.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/01/2018 10:18

Hopefully they will charge him with rape and assault!
Honestly - this is way way over and above abusive.
If you don't want to press charges then at least speak with the DV team - Call 101 and see what they say.
And as per springy contact your local Womens Aid.
Physical violence - coercive rape.
You will also benefit from a call to Rape Crisis.
Get some support services around you.
Can you go to your parents without him?
Please don't put up with this treatment for a single minute longer.
Are your parents supportive?
I worry about your upbringing with what you are putting up with.

LemonShark · 30/01/2018 10:26

OP, did he rape you while he put his band over your mouth? Your post doesn't say he did but a PP made me want to ask to clarify as people are talking about going to the police for rape. I got the impression he put his hand over your mouth but not while having sex?

Intolerable behaviour anyway, of course. I'm glad you've seen the light. It's soul destroying having sex you don't want to keep the peace. Sadly a lot of women and some men seem to do it because they feel it's better than a sexless marriage or they don't want to deal with the consequences on their relationship overall if they stop having sex.

I would see your GP for a counselling referral to talk this through and discuss your options whether you want to leave the relationship or not.

Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 10:48

He didn’t rape me.

My parents will be unsupportive- they will want me to keep the peace, they’re not big on drama. They would much rather I hold it together - particularly until after we’ve had the week with them

OP posts:
yogaginrepeat · 30/01/2018 10:50

Please contact Women's Aid OP - they'll be able to advise you on the best course of action. Good luck.

Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 10:54

I’ve tried but went to voicemail. It feels a bit over the top rininging them , I’m not sure what to say. I’ve accepted it for so long.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/01/2018 10:58

You say exactly what you've said here.
Keep trying.
As you can imagine they are very busy and especially at this time of year!
You could try their main helpline as well 0808 2000 247
And also email them.
Their phone number doesn't appear on your bill.
You need their support.
I thought you might say that about your parents.
If my DD was going through this I'd be round there so fast to get her out of that situation.
Not just you - their DD, who is suffering abuse but also their grand children. Some people never cease to amaze me in their lack of support or understanding on domestic abuse.
Do try 101 and ask for the DV team.
What is the housing situation?
Is it mortgaged or rented?

Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 11:00

We are renting. I could manage on my own but he will refuse to leave.

OP posts:
Colabottle10 · 30/01/2018 11:10

Pack bags and leave.

I would bet my house the issues with your child stem from the unhealthy atmosphere at home.

It's a very small step from hand over mouth to round your neck. Be warned.

Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 11:13

It’s not the issue with my child, although I agree, it will be having an effect on all of them. Our youngest asked why he was swearing in the night (I’d locked him out of the bedroom when he went to loo but he broke the lock and got in)

The children won’t cope with leaving all of a sudden. It’s very likely that one of them would refuse. On top of what else is going on it will be too much for them to deal with.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/01/2018 11:31

It is waaaayyyy too much for them to deal with living in an abusive household.
YOU are supposed to protect them.
SS consider it abuse of the children if they are kept in an abusive house.
Please contact SS about this.
They can help you get him out.
This is so so so unhealthy for them and for you.
Time to put your DC and yourself 1st and get him out or get well away from him.

Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 11:35

What steps can I take to get him out with the least distraction - if I involve SS or the police he will likely explode or at the very least make my life a misery as he will feel he has nothing to lose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 11:43

Disruption - not distraction!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 17:43

I’ve given him three options - sort himself out by the time we are due to go, make his excuses and not come, or I come clean with my folks about what’s going on. He says I’m not taking the kids if he’s not going, and that they’ll stay with him. He’d saying I need to take responsibility too.

OP posts:
Colabottle10 · 30/01/2018 20:03

Utter bullshit.

user1498854363 · 30/01/2018 20:06

Op, this is not safe, does he go to work? You need to get out with kids. He can’t stop you, you are an adult and can choose what you want, and you are the parent and are protecting kids.
You need specialist advice, contact solicitor they can give free advice, CAB, does yr job have employees assistance? Woman’s aid, etc.
He broke into a room you were trying to be safe in? Call police, they will remove him (if you say you want to get safe, police will help you and kids)
Hope you are ok

user1498854363 · 30/01/2018 20:08

If he kicks off it just reinforces your concerns 😬

Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 20:09

I really don’t think the kids will cope with being uprooted - and it will just anger him. I’m trying to stop him coming with us next week as the week apart should give him time to cool down

OP posts:
crocodarl · 30/01/2018 20:12

I am so sorry that you're in this situation.

Do you have any friends who can help you (emotional and/or practical support)?

And I agree, contact Women's Aid ASAP. You're not being over the top, this isn't OK and you don't have to live like this.

Good luck.

ChickenMom · 30/01/2018 20:14

Go to your parents early without him. Take kids out of school and go. Keeping up appearances for a big birthday is not acceptable when you have been abused. Be firm with your family. Ring them. Say “my husband has physically abused me and is being aggressive. The kids are seeing this. We are in danger and need help. Help me or I will need to contact social services”
They are your family and they should be helping you. Your safety comes first

Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 20:17

My parents will absolutely think I’m being over the top

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyactualname · 30/01/2018 20:39

I actually really want to go without him. It will be so much easier. When I have done weekends away with just the kids it’s been bliss, he makes everything so difficult

OP posts: