Anyone else single feel this way? (Ot did feel this way before you met someone?)

[Seth]

I was wondering if anyone else is or was in a similar position to me and could help me work out how I feel as I just don't know.

My (now ex) husband had an affair 8 years ago and we split up . Horrific at the time (but it's how I discovered mumsnet and will be ever thankful for the support I found on here).

Fast forward 8 years and we have 7 and 10 year old DCs All is good between us and he has turned out to be a great Dad.

After a couple of years I met someone that I had known when we were teenagers. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time but we were both completely blown away by how it happened. We fell 'in love' ridiculously quickly and started planning our lives together pretty much from the 4th date ( I know.. of course looking back I can see how ridiculous this sounds but it felt so right and the connection between us in every sense was like nothing either of us had experienced before) he met the DCs after a year and he became a part of their lives for 3 years.

It didn't work out, turns out we were incredibly different, the distance and also in the end he struggled with the idea of the huge change that comes with having DCs in your life , there was no lack of love there but we couldn't make it work which took me way longer than the end of my marriage to get over as they feeling ran so deep.

I have had 2 years on my own. I tried on line dating and whilst it didn't result in anything long term, and I found it quite brutal at times I am accepting that at 44 it's probably going to be the main way to meet someone if I decide to get back out there. .

But do I want to? I know society says I should and sometimes I can think of nothing I would love more than to have that closeness again, a partner in crime/ life. Someone to snuggle up to at the end of the day, share the load with etc but I can't work out if I want to. I have some friends who genuinely happy relationships / marriages but for every 1 there seems to be 2 or 3 that don't .

I do get lonely but have a good network of friends living nearby. The DCs are happy, I don't have loads of money but life is quite simple and happy. It feels like we are a good team.

But I don't want to grow old alone and I do miss the closeness of a relationship and loving someone/ being loved . I can't work out if I am just scared of getting hurt in such an awful way again and maybe it's just a defence mechanism, or whether I am genuinely happy on my own! I tell myself that relationships are too much hassle but I wonder if it may not be quite that simple and I am just trying to protect myself.

I have had counselling quite a bit in the past and that had made me much more self aware so I am in touch with how I feel. It's not an option financially at the moment.

I know this seems like a small issue and maybe I just need to sit with it, not worry about it but I'm just confused. Of course I would probably say to some one else ' don't go looking for for it, if it happens it happens' but I'm not sure it would 'just happen' without me doing something about it.. do I want to? It feels like throwing myself back into the lions den and risking getting hurt again ( I know I should see it as something positive) .. I think I have forgotten all the good thing that a relationship can bring so I just tell myself I don't wan't one!

Sorry for the long post! Any thoughts gratefully received.

*excuse the various typos.. not quite as awake as I thought.

I totally get it. Im four years out of a mentally abusive marriage. It's been very tough as ex has been horrendous to deal with and is still sapping my energy.

Im single parent to 6 year old and working lots of hours in my job.

I haven't dated anyone since my ex husband and I split.

Even if I felt more driven to find someone online dating is too rough for me to cope with. So I pretty much accept I'll be single for very long time if not forever.

I worry about being alone in future but I just don't have any drive to find someone. I feel very much "what's it all for?" about it. I mean I did all the usual seeing lads and few relationships before getting married and having my son but the trauma of my marriage breakdown is so huge it outweighs any feeling of wanting to date.

I feel exactly the same! Could have written this myself. I don't trust my judgement anymore and have less trust in men than ever before. Cant see myself letting my guard down for anyone anytime soon.

I am happy with my little team too, ok being on my own (ish) but really would love someone to share my life with. I am not ready for online dating, i know that much, so that's most of my options out the window!

Don't know what the answer is. Wish i did. Reassuring to know him not the only one who feels like this. I will be watching closely for wise words from others!

I feel exactly the same. The breakdown of my marriage left me doubting my own judgement of people, mistrustful of everyone and just generally feeling like there's no point looking for anyone else because at some point it will all go wrong anyway.

At the moment, even three years later, I feel like I'm still recovering and am not resilient enough to start dating again.

I'm mostly happy with my dc, my job and my friends. I've made a nice life I think. But then I panic about growing old alone, and worry that at some point I'll be ready to find someone but be older, less desirable, less resilient.

I'm similar. Also early 40s, also had a long term marriage break up after an affair.
I've had some casual relationships, and do miss some of the aspects of a serious relationship -- mostly the sense of partnership and snuggling, but I don't think I'm ever going to let my guard down enough to love someone enough to let them that deep into my life.
And if I did, there'd always be a part waiting for the penny to drop.
At the same time, life is good! I watch what I want on telly. Choose what I want for dinner. Get to starfish all over the bed and decide what I want to do on the weekend.
I don't really want to give that up.

This is me! Part of me hopes that i will not be single forever but then the other part is screaming look what happened last time you fell in love.....life is busy at the moment, im 42 with 3 little boys they are my world. Ive convinced myself that i have too much baggage at the moment, and im happy with that because its my baggage and i wouldnt change it, maybe in 10 years or so the hurt will have subsided enough and the boys will be less time consuming and i can find me again. But then as a pp has said life is good, very good, why would i want to change that!

I'm not sure what the horror of "growing old alone" breaks down into? Mostly guys die earlier and I have seen my older female relatives caring for their dying partners over years of pain.

I am very wary of relationships also (but do have a boyfriend - no plans to live together or get more serious - dating and fun times only).

Exactly the same here. Came out of an abuse long term relationship. Had a few dates and finding OLD hideously soul destroying at times. I just miss the company and cuddles even though I'm very happy on my own. I find it hard to trust and don't let people in easily so that doesn't help. But really it's more just meeting suitable men!

I think being lonely in a marriage or relationship is far worse than being lonely on your own, if that makes sense? There are far worse feelings I think than occasional loneliness. I value my independence and autonomy so much, and I missed it so much, I don't think I could imagine having to give it up again. I'm far too selfish now basically, and I don't have to apologise to anyone for that!! 😁

Yes I agree. Also out of a long term EA relationship where it turned out my exH had cheated throughout. Really feel I wasted all my youth with him.

I sometimes wish I could have a relationship for the emotional closeness, the feeling of being valued for myself. Then I think "hang on, you never had that when you were married either". I'm not sure what I want actually exists, but I'm darn sure I won't find it OLD. I am clearly a shit judge of character so I'm better off alone.

My situation is complicated because I have a vulnerable DC with additional needs who will probably always be with me. I would never put them in a position where they felt second best.

Day to day life is pretty good. I no longer have to live my life around someone's moods and I am pretty good at living in the moment. I think that's enough.

The other thing is that, as we get older, the 'decent' chaps (eg the ones not sniffing around for women 20 years younger than them ) are probably feeling the same way, valuing their freedom, and not about to give that up for a romantic entanglement.

It seems so 'all or nothing' sometimes - a long and happy marriage is such a lovely thing to see, but a rarity in practice; some people find something good or better second time around, but that seems even rarer; and the rest is 'adjusting/settling' either to singledom or a ho-hum partnership.

Hopefully society will cotton on one day, and celebrate independent living - no more tyranny of 'prices based on 2 sharing'!

I am not a fan of "snuggling" so am happy to stay single if it means I don't have a bloke hanging off me. It would, however, be nice for someone to be there to talk to when you've had a crap day. For me the pros of single outweigh the cons and I just don't feel that letting someone into our lives would be a good thing.
Dd is also very resistant to me even dating. She's seen the whole blended family thing happening with friends and is terrified I'm going to move her in to someone's house and make her get on with his kids. Not worth it at all if it worries her.

Another here feels the same. I especially agree with thinking society has conditioned women to think they can not be happy without a man. The longer I am single the more comfortable I am and is it worth jeopardising that? I think a good compromise would be as PP said above, just having a boyfriend for good times and not getting bogged down in domesticity (although shared happy domesticity can be lovely)

I felt that way. Tried online dating and found it absolutely hideous to be honest and loaded in favour of men. I am 43 and had men of 60 contacting me! Very few around my age and of those most came across as just out of relationships and looking for sex (the usual suggestive messages etc)

I couldn’t deal with it and gave up after a couple of months of disappointments.

I have just accepted that this is it now. I am tied to my kids 6 nights a week so what sort of social life can you have when that is the case?

It’s pretty depressing to be honest.

I'm nearly 40 and am in the process of accepting that I will never be part of a relationship again. I just don't have the emotional capacity any more.
People say give it time you'll meet someone but I can't seem to make them.understand that I just don't have another heartbreak in me.
Casual sex is fine, we all need a bit of male company lol, but tbh as soon as feelings start to become involved I back right off. I'm just not willing to compromise my happiness and peace for anyone.
Yes I miss the stability, comfort, pleasures, intimacy and all those other things that go with a ltr but I've been so hurt that for me, the pros of falling in love with someone are completely outweighed by the cons of it all going wrong.
My alcoholic, abusive and violent ex, whom I adored, put pay to me ever wanting to care about someone in that way again.
I do old, but am currently taking a break. For me it's not that I'm not strong enough to cope with the disappointment etc it's the fact that I physically and mentally don't have the ability to feel anything for another human being. Obviously I love my kids, friends and family but as far as allowing myself to open up and share my life and heart with someone again that's a no go. Just not possible, I wouldn't even know how to begin to do that.
I am at a place in my life where I'm self sufficient, my moods, my happiness aren't reliant on anyone else but me, I can't ever imagine relinquishing that freedom for anyone ever again.
It's sad because I used to be a very loving person but it's something I've come to accept.

I don't think there's any rush. I was single for 10 years, just me and my kids, that was enough for me. At age 48 I met someone and we've been together for nearly 2 years.

My exH left when I was mid-30's, we had got together at 19, we had 2 small children.

I got together with my someone (total cliche, older, my boss blah blah) a couple of years later having thought I'd never meet anyone, never be attractive to anyone, never feel comfortable getting naked with anyone, not sure if wanted to let anyone into my life/home/family.

There was one area in which it could have been better but other than that it just worked, when people talk about things in relationships which they don't want the hassle of I just don't recognise any of it from my relationship with DH2.

I also listen to friends talking about their relationships and wonder why they put up with any number of things (but then I only hear one side).

Unfortunately he died last year, aged 58, a year after his cancer diagnosis which came out of the blue - we'd been increasingly happy together for a few years, we'd just decided to get married. Bam.

So now I'm 45, working through grief, but also looking to the future.

I definitely don't want to be alone long term, but I don't want a bad relationship either. I don't want to be one of those people who moans about their partner, I want to be in a partnership where we enhance each other's lives. I want cuddles and touch and sex, and I don't want any of that casually.

I can't see how I'd possibly meet anyone (although I thought that last time), I'm not massively outgoing and I don't really do very much. I just like pottering with people close to me - which is okay when you have close people but not an ideal way to meet new ones.

I don't know how someone else would measure up to late-DH (which maybe isn't so much an issue after a bad relationship ends) - although I know in reality it wouldn't be a case of measuring up to him but meeting the high standards I want in the relationship (I've only realised that typing this - and interestingly I think being with him has raised these standards, they weren't as high after exH left).

And I'm scared of all those other things - getting played, rejection, getting hurt, something good ending (and experiencing the grief of that again - although I'd not give up my time with late-DH to take away the subsequent pain, and I guess I have to recognise that one of you dies first and that's going to hurt whenever it happens).

I do think the way we look at relationships as a whole needs to change. It doesn't have to be completely alone singledom or live-in marriage. Those are just the extremes we're used to.
As another pp said there are decent men out there who are also older now and value their independence. I'd quite like one of those and then we can customise our relationship- keep the bits that work and leave out the parts that we don't want.

There's a really excellent book called Stepping off the Relationship Escalator which I thought was fantastic. A lot of it is about non-monogamy which not everyone is into but it also highlights the idea that we don't need to do the two extremes of single or marriage. Customising relationships to suit us can work far better.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01MRDI7JC?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I had two stepdads growing up, and I found it very difficult, so that's one aspect. I am loathe to put my dc through similar. It's a visceral "nope".

I really value my own space and not being answerable to anyone (but my kids ). Being married to my ex was shitter than I realised at the time and I've been so much happier, more relaxed, more confident and a better person without him.

I don't have much faith in my picker for men. I don't want to risk being subsumed again.

As I said up there, I've seen my female relatives caring for their spouses through terminal cancer and that scares me too. I dunno about looking for someone to "grow old with"? Looks pretty awful from there. And tbh there's little chance of a nice retirement where you're fit and comfortably off for a lot of people: more looking at slogging your guts out til you're nearly 70 and decline into death.

Gosh I'm cheerful this morning .

I think divorce and separation has just made me so cynical. I thought he was my soulmate, for decades, but it turns out he was capable of betraying me in the worst possible way. If he can do it, anyone can. I wish I didn't feel like that, but I don't know how to stop.

And the statistics don't do anything to alleviate that. Everyone goes into their first marriage assuming they're going to be in the 50% that go the distance, but if only 30% of second marriages survive then those are terrible odds. I'd think I'd just be waiting for signs that it was going wrong.

I also wonder about how many of those surviving marriages are actually happy, and the odds reduce further.

On happy days I think I'm not cynical, I'm realistic. And that I don't need anyone because the upside of living alone outweighs the downside. But on other days I want a cuddle, or some company, or to moan about a bad day

I'm in the middle of a break up and I'm not even considering being with another man. I'm nearly 50 and have always had a boyfriend or partner and the beginning has always been brilliant but then it's been more trouble than it's worth.

I have lots of friends, great kids, rebuilding my career and after all the grief, control and EA I've experienced from my stbx, I'm really looking forward to being my own person and not having to consider any man. I know that I won't live with anyone else, or at least not whilst the kids are at home. If I meet someone and he's amazing, then we'll see each other and each live in their own homes.

Thanks girl all of your great posts.

So much of what you all say completely resonates with me. I think there's some really positive things and they seem to outweigh the negatives for most of us.

I sat down last night to watch TV after 2 particularly stressful bedtimes and a long day at work and my cat jumped onto me wanting attention and all I could think was 'oh ffs not someone else wanting something from me' and then I think - 'bloody hell - imagine if I now had to make conversation with / Take into account / make dinner for/ watch tv with (and let's face it , that's a compromise in itself) with another actual human being! Not for me thanks! I think someone summed it up. I feel too selfish to give that up.

But then what about the good points? In the right relationship, couldn't said nice DP be making dinner whilst you did bedtimes? Rather than 'having to make conversation with' couldn't it be 'having a laugh about something funny that happened that day and having someone to talk to after a shit day?'

I don't know. I think like others on here that I have conditioned myself to see them as one big hassle and ultimately as a source of hurt due to our past experiences but then are we closing ourselves off to all the good stuff too? (I'm asking myself this question)

I have thought about the idea the more casual kind of relationship that some posters describe but not sure I am there yet!

I think when you're feeling a bit jaded the first to do is check yoursekf and remember that men are not another species and fundamentally they probably have the exact same desires as us, which is to say, connection with another person. Like some women, some men aren't capable of that even if they want it, some are afraid, guarded, prioritising their children or career. Timing and compromise is everything and also, having the relationship that suits you two and you two alone. Conformity is not required.

Seth. Exactly. Having someone should mean that they make dinner whilst you sort out bedtime or vice versa and then look forward to spending a few hours chatting or watching something together. The reality for me is different. I make dinner and deal with the kids whilst he washes his hands completely off anything he doesn't like. Because apparently kids and home are my job. Doesn't exactly build it up to a nice evening together?

If I want someone to help me, or keep me company or have a laugh with, I've got lots of friends to choose from, or even my kids.

So yes, it depends on the man but I must say that from my experience and from listening to many friends out there, they tend to be the exception rather than the rule.

I have had two extremely abusive marriages first was the worst. When I left the second I wondered if I would be single for ages or would anyone really want me? My self esteem was low etc I tried old just to see if I could go on a few dates and just have some fun. I am now engaged to a wonderful, amazing man and we live together all within 14 months. I think it’s more a matter of finding yourself and working out if you actually want another relationship.