Anyone else single feel this way? (Ot did feel this way before you met someone?)

[Seth]

I was wondering if anyone else is or was in a similar position to me and could help me work out how I feel as I just don't know.

My (now ex) husband had an affair 8 years ago and we split up . Horrific at the time (but it's how I discovered mumsnet and will be ever thankful for the support I found on here).

Fast forward 8 years and we have 7 and 10 year old DCs All is good between us and he has turned out to be a great Dad.

After a couple of years I met someone that I had known when we were teenagers. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time but we were both completely blown away by how it happened. We fell 'in love' ridiculously quickly and started planning our lives together pretty much from the 4th date ( I know.. of course looking back I can see how ridiculous this sounds but it felt so right and the connection between us in every sense was like nothing either of us had experienced before) he met the DCs after a year and he became a part of their lives for 3 years.

It didn't work out, turns out we were incredibly different, the distance and also in the end he struggled with the idea of the huge change that comes with having DCs in your life , there was no lack of love there but we couldn't make it work which took me way longer than the end of my marriage to get over as they feeling ran so deep.

I have had 2 years on my own. I tried on line dating and whilst it didn't result in anything long term, and I found it quite brutal at times I am accepting that at 44 it's probably going to be the main way to meet someone if I decide to get back out there. .

But do I want to? I know society says I should and sometimes I can think of nothing I would love more than to have that closeness again, a partner in crime/ life. Someone to snuggle up to at the end of the day, share the load with etc but I can't work out if I want to. I have some friends who genuinely happy relationships / marriages but for every 1 there seems to be 2 or 3 that don't .

I do get lonely but have a good network of friends living nearby. The DCs are happy, I don't have loads of money but life is quite simple and happy. It feels like we are a good team.

But I don't want to grow old alone and I do miss the closeness of a relationship and loving someone/ being loved . I can't work out if I am just scared of getting hurt in such an awful way again and maybe it's just a defence mechanism, or whether I am genuinely happy on my own! I tell myself that relationships are too much hassle but I wonder if it may not be quite that simple and I am just trying to protect myself.

I have had counselling quite a bit in the past and that had made me much more self aware so I am in touch with how I feel. It's not an option financially at the moment.

I know this seems like a small issue and maybe I just need to sit with it, not worry about it but I'm just confused. Of course I would probably say to some one else ' don't go looking for for it, if it happens it happens' but I'm not sure it would 'just happen' without me doing something about it.. do I want to? It feels like throwing myself back into the lions den and risking getting hurt again ( I know I should see it as something positive) .. I think I have forgotten all the good thing that a relationship can bring so I just tell myself I don't wan't one!

Sorry for the long post! Any thoughts gratefully received.

Crichrichan

Yes exactly that. That's also what I hear from most of my friends..

Fantasma. Thanks- good to see your positive post. Happy for you! That's what I mean..If I and other posters who feel the same way as me close ourselves off indefinitely then we could be missing out on something amazing! I totally agree that I'd far rather be on my own than in a shit relationship and like many others on here. What about being in a relationship that enhances your life?

I think it doesn’t have to be all or nothing though as another poster alluded to.

I have a part time relationship with someone. He lives in his own house, I live in mine. We see each other twice a week, go on holiday together and send a message or so each day with maybe the odd call thrown in. We complement each other’s lives rather than complicate it.

I could not be in a full time relationship and could not live with someone again. Way too stifling.

It’s maybe easier for me as kids are older now and his are grown up.

If you are financially independent though I don’t see much of a downside.

I think sometimes, women are guilty of pushing men into relationships rather than the other way round.

I met this man via OLD too. I was just very clear what I wanted in my profile and he wanted the same.

I like the comment about looking for a relationship that enhances your life. I guess I wouldn't mind sharing the tv or whatever if it was the right person. Just cba looking. I'd be resentful of giving up spare time to someone I didn't click with, and am not resilient enough yet to cope with rejection if I liked him but it wasn't reciprocated.

My mum keeps saying I'll meet someone by accident, reaching for the same loaf in the supermarket and so on, but I think she reads too much Mills & Boon.

I too have a part time relationship and it’s great for me. I don’t have children but I am fiercely independent. I have met a man who wants the same things as me - we go out for dinner and go on holidays and occasionally stay the weekend with each other.

Things we don’t do together - share a home, meet each other’s family, share finances.

There are difficulties sometimes of course. I went to hospital with him for a scan. It turned out to be nothing but it prompted a hesitatant conversation about what if one of us got ill long term. But I think even in a long marriage you’re not guaranteed someone to look after you if things go wrong.

Hi OP

I recently posted a thread about dating but no intention to live together.

Dont put so much pressure on yourself - just have fun and go with the flow and see where it takes you.

G

Seth I read this post with interest as I have been in your situation and experienced exactly the same feelings. I tried online dating after the breakdown of my second relationship with mixed experience. In the end nothing felt right so decided to go it alone.

A couple of years later I was happily single but realised that I’d probably scared away the best thing that had ever happened to me by expecting too much of my second relationship. At the time I wanted everything to slot into place for the DC's following the breakdown of my marriage to their father and what they had been through. Looking back I could see that I was conditioned by what society and everyone around me expected a relationship to look like as some other posters have suggested, rather than being open to something more relaxed that might work better for me.

In the end I plucked up the courage to re-establish contact with my second partner and we have been very happy now for almost 3 years. I think it works because our expectations of each other are now different to those we had when we first met. We don't live together but do enjoy lots of time together and our time apart. It doesn't impact on the DC's, he is welcome to be involved if he wants to but there is no pressure from us as we are a happy team regardless. I still get to watch what I want, eat what I want, and have a choice in how we spend our time together as does he.

Perhaps we will bite the bullet and conform at some stage in future, but for the moment we are very happy the way we are and personally I’d rather have a healthy relationship with someone I love and trust albeit a bit quirky, than be in a relationship with someone less than ideal just because it ticked all the boxes.

I appreciate this might not work for everyone, but it does for us and gives us the best of both worlds.

Seth, you are not alone

I actually got out of a mentally abusive relationship around 4 years ago. The thought of moving on and getting hurt petrifies me. I had counselling too. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.

I long for someone to come along and look after me but I'm also incapable of letting anyone in.

I'm 32 though, time is running out for me. I wish I could get over this fear, it's actually making me anxious thinking about it

Loobyloo - I’m sorry, it sounds like you had a tough time. Please evaluate that maybe you don’t NEED someone to “look after you” - you’ve recovered from a shit relationship and you are in touch with your mental well-being. You are doing a good job at looking after yourself!
You are also not running out of time - there’s always time for good things to happen so hang in there...

You’re right Goldilocks ... sorry feel a bit like I'm hijacking here

I don't mean literally look after me of course I just mean be nice to me I think haha. I look after myself, have become extremely independent – maybe a little too much. I can’t let people in though. Guys run a mile as I know I must come across as the ice queen

Too afraid of getting hurt, and think maybe I'm better off staying on my own so as not to project my insecurities on some poor sod

Seth - I am happy though. I also have good friends and a great social life. That definitely helps

I'm so happy to have found you ladies.

I'm 9 months single following splitting from my dh (although in truth I knew it was over a year ago). Everyone keeps saying I'll meet someone etc but I don't really want to. I too thought my dh was my soul mate but after 21 years together he let me down spectacularly by leaving for someone he was seeing at work leaving me with 3 young kids.

Looking back over the relationship I realise that I was a lot more independent than i thought and did a lot by myself with the kids anyway (work always came first for him). So it's not like I need a man and as someone said uprhread, I just don't trust my own judgment now as I never saw any of this coming and trusted him completely. Then there's the kids to think of. I have them the majority of time anyway so time to go out is limited anyway.

But I'm left feeling like I'm not normal. I like the idea of having someone but in reality I know chances of me trusting anyone again and opening myself up to hurt again are slim