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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. New baby & the Dad is always in pub

36 replies

Rosiebrown1 · 29/01/2018 21:36

Hi everyone. Please can you offer some advice. I feel like I am going mad.

On the day I had my c section, my partner left the hospital 6 hours before it was officially time for him to leave. He said he wanted to avoid the rush hour traffic (3pm). It transpires he went down the pub.

Beautiful baby is now 8 weeks yet partner is down the pub almost every night. One night he didn't even come home until 4am the next morning.

I am so sleep deprived yet partner won't even have baby at night on weekends (he works Monday to Friday) because he's to drunk.

I just feel so isolated and lonely. It's my first baby and I'm 46. Is it my age making me overly sensitive do you think? I had heard it's harder the older you are.

He's out down the pub now, it's the forth night running. This is standard.

I try really hard to make the house lovely, I have worked really hard also to loose my baby weight and. He just has zero interest in our relationship.

Please be as honest as you feel. Many thanks xxx

OP posts:
millmoo · 29/01/2018 21:42

LTB

Callamia · 29/01/2018 22:07

What sort of a relationship did you have before the baby? This sounds miserable for you, and intolerable.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 29/01/2018 22:10

Leave his stuff in the garden and lock the door if its your house...

Leeds2 · 29/01/2018 22:12

Was he like this before the baby was born?

OakIsBetterTho · 29/01/2018 22:14

He sounds selfish and uncaring, altogether a shit husband and a shit father. I'm a believer in trying to make relationships work, more often than not, but not in this case. I think you'd be better off without him OP

LuxuryWoman2017 · 29/01/2018 22:18

Advice? Leave the selfish, useless prick

RowenasDiadem · 29/01/2018 22:19

What the hell?! LOCK THE DAMN DOOR! Leave his things on the garden!

You are essentially a single mum. Might as well be a proper one. At least then you won't be sitting at home knowing he should be there but refuses to be. It's on your terms.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/01/2018 22:24

Was he like this before the baby? Or is it a change in behaviour?

It's not on. He's abandoned his wife and baby, when they need him the most. I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's nothing to do with your age, he's being a total shit.

It sounds very worrying that you think that losing weight and making the house nice has anything to do with whether or not he bothers with the relationship. Losing weight should be for you, and he should be doing his fair share of housework.

I'd ask him to leave tbh, he's not contributing anything so you'd be better off without the worry and stress.

Bananalanacake · 29/01/2018 22:24

How long have you been with him and how often did he go to the pub before you got pregnant. To give him the benefit of the doubt he might be finding it hard being a new parent. I had my 2nd at 40 and would be lost without my dp helping out.

Lana1234 · 29/01/2018 22:39

He left you the day you had a c section?! Have my first LTB. & he has been in the pub every night since Confused I've never heard anything like that in my life. As others have said you are essentially a single parent mother anyway, you don't need the extra baggage of him surely. If he has no interest in your relationship then maybe it's time to move on from it. So sorry your going through this OP Flowers

Bananalanacake · 29/01/2018 22:47

Pardon the silly question but do you think he has an alcohol problem or simply shirking his duties.

Original poster
Rosiebrown1 · 30/01/2018 00:03

Thank you so much for your kind and amazingly supportive responses.

He came home from the pub AGAIN, picked an argument and I just couldn't take any more.

A little background, we both had our own seperate homes before the birth. I agreed to move in with him after baby was born. He did nothing to help before the birth, even financially even though his salary is over twice mine. I do understand it must be a massive adjustment for him too.

I have bought baby absolutely everything. He hasn't contributed to anything. Since staying at his I have continued to remain financially independent ie. Buy everything for baby and I and all household shopping for the three of us.

Tonight he told me to get out. He wanted his house key back. I tried to leave the house but he stopped me leaving unless I gave him his key. I couldn't get past him as he blocked the door. Eventually I managed to escape and am at a friends' safe. Little one safe also.

I do think he has a drink problem. Xx

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 30/01/2018 00:05

He's got more than a drink problem.

I'm glad you're safe. Will you be able to go round with a friend and get your things?

He is an absolute bastard for throwing you and your baby out late at night after coming home drunk.

ChickenMom · 30/01/2018 00:14

Wow...just wow..I’m very glad you are both safe. I would advise you contact women’s aid tomorrow and see a solicitor. What you don’t want is him flexing his muscles and insisting on having the baby overnight alone if he’s drunk and aggressive. Report all of this to people who can help you. Don’t pay for anything else for him! Don’t go back to him! If you are independent of him then stay that way. This guy is not a good one. I’ve heard lots of things in my time but I’ve never heard anything like this before! His behaviour is not normal and it’s nothing to do with age!! He is an aggressive alcoholic. Stay away and stay safe.

echidna1 · 30/01/2018 00:20

Been there, got the T-shirt.

This is a blessing in disguise.....please don't go back. Otherwise you will be trapped on the 'Merry-Go-Round' - and with another baby, because you will do all you can to make it work......

Alcohol comes 1st with him. You can't change this but you can change your reaction to his behaviour.

I tried everything to make it work. But alcohol won in the end. I was a single parent from the moment our daughter was born. Her birth was one more responsibility that he couldn't handle. Your baby doesn't have a choice but you do.

Al-Anon saved my life. It might help you too (al-anonuk.org.uk)

Mrstobe90 · 30/01/2018 00:26

He contributes nothing to you, your relationship or your child.
It sounds like you'd be better off and happier moving into your own place with your baby and starting a new and happy life away from that waste of space xx

Original poster
Rosiebrown1 · 30/01/2018 00:32

Thank you lovely friends of mumsnet x I honestly felt like this was becoming so normal, I questioned if I have been doing something wrong.

My priority has always been my precious baby 1st. She is an absolute blessing. He has proved himself to be a vile, controlling man.

I must apologise for the drama tonight and didn't know initially it would escalate to this.

I will make sure I seek some advise as soon as I can today. Please can I just say how incredible you all have been!! Honestly your advice & support means the world!! Xx

OP posts:
yorkshireyummymummy · 30/01/2018 00:47

Holy holy bloody hell.
What a night you have had!
Look, let’s look at the positives:

You and baby are healthy and safe.
You have a home to go to ( it may be rented out, if it is you might have to find a family member to stay with, but you will have a home)
You obviously have at least one good friend.
You are out of a potentially violent/abusive situation/relationship.
You have coped alone with baby for eight weeks so, although you are tired , you know you can do it alone.
He earns a decent salary so you shouldn’t have any issues getting maintenance. Ensure you do. It’s for baby.
Your child will not be exposed ( on an everyday basis)to a potentially abusive relationship with someone who looks like they have a drink problem.
You won’t feel like you are going mad anymore. You will feel sad about the end of your relationship but this will pass.
You don’t have to waste any more energy worrying about your relationship or any energy on keeping his house nice. You can stay in your pajamas all day!
All of this extra energy will help you not feel so drained and you can give yourself 100% to baby.

Now the negatives..........

Errr. I’m struggling here.
This is obviously a really really wanted important baby ( I’m not saying all babies arnt but at 46 it’s pretty obvious . You are a lucky woman and he is a bloody fool. But I guess you know that.

Get yourself sorted with a big “to do” list and start to tackle it in the next few days. Get your home and finances sorted.
Then, have a good cry, go and get a change of hairstyle, brush yourself down , pull your big girl pants on - best foot forward and look forward to the next few years which are the most wonderful and magical with your child.
Good luck! You will be fine Flowers

CrypticClues · 30/01/2018 00:49

Glad you are safe, and out of there now. I hope you know, now, that his behaviour is not about you. You just focus on yourself, and your daughter. 8 weeks is such early days... take care of yourselves.

CrypticClues · 30/01/2018 00:50

YY to what Yorkshireyummymummy said.
Get some rest!

negomi90 · 30/01/2018 00:57

On the positive side, if he's been contributing nothing financially despite being employed, at least now you'll get some financial support through the maintenance which I hope you apply for as soon as you and you little one have somewhere new to live.

gluteustothemaximus · 30/01/2018 01:05

My ex was like this.

Except I put up with it for a good couple of years after baby.

Oh my god, I wish I’d have left sooner.

Blessing in disguise as PP said. Don’t ever go back.

You’re already a single mum. Enjoy your much wanted little one and hope you’re on a new path now to much happier times x

Mummblebee · 30/01/2018 04:59

I hope you are ok OP.

Some great advice from @yorkshireyummymummy

I don't have much to add, I just wanted to show some support as I read the thread.

Good luck and enjoy your new life with your beautiful baby xxx

LaGattaNera · 30/01/2018 05:10

Thinking of you op Flowers and hope you have managed to get some sleep. x

Katy75 · 30/01/2018 05:22

Rosie, well done - really, you have done brilliantly. Dealing with all this on your own while caring for your lovely daughter. I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. Sending you a huge hug and strength to keep going. Enjoy your beautiful baby. You are already setting her such a great example xxx

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