If one person earns much more than the other, how do you make it work?

[GandolfBold]

I am not talking about joint finances, but more about time?

I have been a SAHM for a while, going back to work 2 years ago. I am currently working on maternity cover in a job which involves me covering short shifts if needed, so have asked DH to help me out a few times and pick the children up from school. (The arrangement was he takes them and I pick them up).

He is so resentful, and I know its because deep down he feels that his time is much more valuable than mine, and he doesn't respect my career. While I understand that he earns much, much more than me, I want him to understand that I am still valuable as a person and that my career is just as important as his.

If you are in a similar situation, how do you make it work? I know that if it was up to him I wouldn't work so that I can do all the boring stuff he doesn't want to, but I don't want that at all.

Tell him to grow up and be a father. He doesn't need to leave everything to you, he can parent too, it is allowed.

Point out to the selfish fucker that he wouldn’t be able to maintain a career if you hadn’t taken time out to look after HIS kids. Fucking sick of these men that have good jobs, then treat their wives jobs as jokes. Tell him it’s your turn to improve your career, so he can bloody well look after HIS kids, for a change.

I earn considerably more than my dp, it all goes in the same pot and it’s family money, as is his. We both do childcare, me more than him as my job is more flexible, but he’s more likely to do the childcare over holidays as he can take none pay days. It’s all about compromise and working together. Your DP needs to grow up!

I also have this problem.

Dh earns 10 times what I'm capable of. I sometimes can see his point of view, it's ridiculous that I try and work.

He’s a father and has responsibilities to his children - nothing to do with money
Don’t pander to him, ignore it and expect him to to rise to his role as a father

Do you use childcare?

If so, he needs to take responsibility for his own children.

If not, and you expect him to start work late or finish early, then I can see why it might be difficult?

I earn more than DH but not relevant. We share drop offs and pickups. That's about it. I can't go into work and leave early every day and neither can he. We both work at quite flexible places so this helps but our DC is a joint responsibility.

Work is not just about money for me. It's good for my mental health, self worth, independence if things go wrong (health,divorce,death). So even though my DH earns more than me, we just do our agreed drop offs and pick ups and get on with it. On child being sick days we each cover what we can. In sumner holidays he takes longer off because he's the boss and can. You just get on with it as a team. And if he or I feel the balance is off we say something. But it's not about who earns more, it's about if one is doing all the giving and the other all the taking in time flexibility.

You are a team. He wouldnt be in the position he is in now if it werent for you making sacrifices with your career so he really should be willing to make some small sacrifices to help you get back into the world of work.

I dont work for this reason. My husband is a lot older than me and earns three times the amount I could ever even hope for. I have a toddler and another baby on the way and altho I never intended to be a sahm and I dont really enjoy it, it would just be a complete waste of time for me to work as it could be time he is working and actually making real money for us.
Its hard but I do know that when both children are in school I would expect him to help me get back to work. I think he would be happy to. We are a team in raising our family.

Ask your husband how he thinks you and the children would cope if he were to die or you were to break up? How would you support yourselves? He should want you to have some measure of security and not complete dependence on him (if thats what you want)

Can he actually do the school run without neglecting his work? If not, you need to sort out childcare - both of you, not just you as an individual.

I’d be annoyed if DH announced I needed to do pick ups now without any conversation

I am not sure you will ever get your DH to value your career as equal if it doesn't bring in around the same income. My DH recognises that working is good for me and my career is something I value. He will support me with helping with DC and house but this is very much based around what fits with his work. Currently I am not working at all as we have moved overseas and DH is in no rush for me to manage to move my qualifications. When I worked four days to his five I still had sole responsibility for childcare sorting, shopping, cooking etc. I work in not for profit sector, I could never earn what he does which enables him to announce that he would happily swap roles if I brought it the same income. He is a great dad and a good partner, he just doesn't want to do dull stuff and I cannot make the economics balance to make this happen. Let me know when you work out how.

You need robust and paid for childcare that allows both of you to work the hours you are contracted to work. So wrap around care at school, nursery open from eg 8-6, CM, holiday club etc.

If you are asking your DH to cut short his working day on a planned basis so you can work (eg asking him to pick the kids up at 3pm when school ends) then that is unreasonable. Use after school club or a CM.

If you have robust childcare in place but there's an emergency (eg Ill child) then you both have an equal responsibility to use leave, unpaid leave, emergency leave (whatever your companies offer) to provide emergency care. The law gives you both the right to a reasonable amount of unpaid time off to deal with emergencies so both of you need to use it.

I do as bluedog.
I pay for most things, but we do it on a kind of proportionate basis. We have separate accounts, mainly out of laziness, but we both contribute to the household.

I used to have this problem. But my DH actual earned much less than me. He still had a view that it was my job to do all the child related stuff. He is an ex now. And by the way I still do all the good related stuff

“Child related”

Why are people talking about joint finances when the question isn't about that.

OP, I think you and your DH need to iron out the childcare arrangements, and not make any changes without consulting eachother.

DP does all pick ups and drop offs but thats cos he works locally and has a car. I don't drive, and my commute is an hour long. I am the higher earner but money shouldn't play a factor in who does what. Like you said, it's more about the time. Childcare should not be cutting into anyone's working day

I don't think earnings should come into it. It should be split ideally. That said My DH does most of the nursery runs and always has done as it's easier for him with his work location. We have a chat at beginning of week and make sure there are no clashes with meetings and we have it covered.

I actually am the higher earner and my own boss so most people assume I would do it all, but DH enjoys it and wants to pull his weight.

I'm the higher earner and my dh is part time. Other than a little extra cleaning we do everything 50/50. Your dh needs to realise that not everything is about him. You are both responsible both Your children. Your salary doesn't dictate how important you are.

I never earned what DH did. My last job was part time but my full time salary was still 10/12 times less than his. He runs his own company.

The world revolved around him. Difficult to compete when I worked in local government. I was on a highish pay grade but had I tried to be full time I have no idea if either of us would have seen the children and my money would have paid a nanny! I really grieved for my job when I gave it up. People define you by paid work, not you as a person.

It’s all about compromise DH earns far more than me and also commutes to work over and hour each day. I work p/t so I am local to take the kids to nursery school play dates housework etc.
both our wages goes into the joint account and we both get spending money out of it. So if he wants to blast his on 10 pints and a curry it won’t inpact on me and the DC. Similarly if I want my hair coloured or want to buy an expensive moisturiser I can without him questinginh me on it. It works for us.

My DP's a SAHM. I see the school run as 'our' responsibility, even though it's almost always her that does it. When I do it, it's never ever to 'help her out' but because it's my job too.
If he's seeing time and money as measures of worth in your relationship, how much is he paying for your time? Ah... you're picking up on the fact that he's seeing you as worthless. And he's got the nerve to be resentful about it too? Wow.

Well isn't he an arrogant twat.

I think that it helped when I pointed out that if we each earnt an extra 1000 pounds, then due to differences in tax we would keep over £100 more of my monet than we would of his money. That is even more so if you don't pay tax or NI. You might keep almost twice the amount he does. It makes financial sense to spread the earning between you both more equally.

Money not monet - we aren't earning that much!

From a purely economical POV, and if you look at it as a partnership then he’s right.

If you can only earn a fraction of his earnings per hour then it doesn’t make sense that he risk those earnings by being late for work etc.

The obvious compromise is that he funds childcare flexible enough that it allows him to work the hours he needs to and you to do the same.