If one person earns much more than the other, how do you make it work?

[GandolfBold]

I am not talking about joint finances, but more about time?

I have been a SAHM for a while, going back to work 2 years ago. I am currently working on maternity cover in a job which involves me covering short shifts if needed, so have asked DH to help me out a few times and pick the children up from school. (The arrangement was he takes them and I pick them up).

He is so resentful, and I know its because deep down he feels that his time is much more valuable than mine, and he doesn't respect my career. While I understand that he earns much, much more than me, I want him to understand that I am still valuable as a person and that my career is just as important as his.

If you are in a similar situation, how do you make it work? I know that if it was up to him I wouldn't work so that I can do all the boring stuff he doesn't want to, but I don't want that at all.

He needs to do more for his own sake and the DC's sake, as well as for you. There are so many more dads on the school run than when ds1 (now 20) was small and these dads have much more balanced lives.
More balance for men & women is so important, you can't think about salary; we have a real gender pay gap problem (i dread to think what the gap really is for mums vs dads). DH earns over twice what I do, but we are soon starting 4 days each at work and we are both so much happier.

Me and DH work roughly the same amount of hours but I earn almost twice as much as him.

We share drop offs and pick ups entirely 50:50.

Earnings have nothing to do it, we work the same hours so why would we not share the home life tasks equally

I think it sometimes though depends on the disparity and family reliance - I earn 150k plus dh earns 26k - his job is far harder than mine in some ways but realistically if he lost his - there is a limited impact on the family. If I lost mine we are screwed. For planned stuff we work it out if anything I take more as he works shifts - for unplanned again we work it out but if push came to shove my priorities would come above because financial security relies on my wage. Reality is as a senior position I have more flex most of the time but there are occasions it isn't negotiable and the expectation is on a shared basis at the minute my job is the one to safeguard.

I earn multiple times what my DH does and I am overnight in hotels or am out for dinner with clients on average 3 out of 5 nights a week. When I am in my office rather than working away I have an hour commute minimum each way. My DH has a full time job that is 4 miles from my DSs school and 6 miles from home, in a 9-5 culture. He is in a management role. We have a nanny and also use a nursery. I do the school drop off for DS or nursery pick up of my DD maybe once every fortnight. Basically when I can. I would never say no if DH asked me and it was feasible. But sometimes it just isn’t (eg I’m in london for a meeting). I value his career but before we had kids we agreed that this is how things would be. I would very much like to have more time to see the kids and DH but at the moment this is how we are - collectively - choosing to live. If my DH or DC were unhappy we would change things. My marriage and kids are not worth any amount of money. However if we stay in this situation for another 10 years (say) then we will be set up for life and so will the kids. We can all then spend a ton of time together when we are all still young enough be well enough to enjoy it. I think you need to decide what your longer term plans are and make sure you are both on the same page.

I work full time in a tough job earning 90k. DH has previously earned up to 60k but is currently unemployed.

I make an effort to get home early eg so that he can go out for the evening. And if he had a job interview or a doctor's appointment I would definitely cover the childcare. But at the end of the day, I'm bringing in money and he isn't. So in a 50:50 my work wins.

I earned more than 10x my OH. Now I'm taking a break and I earn nothing.

How do we make it work? Because we both respect each other, respect each others careers & respect each others input to the family. There is no point scoring. Whatever needs to be done gets done without a thought of who has done what. We share everything.

To make it work, I think you have to start with mutual respect on all levels

I'm fascinated by this thread. I'm self employed but my work is very limited at the moment so I'm effectively a SAHM. When I do have work I have to fit it in around the kids Eg when the baby naps or often in the evening (which means I'm on the go from 7am-9pm then I shower and go to bed!). If I can't get my work done I just tell DH I have to work over the weekend and he minds the kids. And if I have to be somewhere for work he has a lot of leave so has been able to take a day off...so far. He's is becoming more senior and currently involved in a project that means a lot of meetings he cannot miss and some travel. I'm quite worried about how I'll get work done should it come up and we both need to work on the same day. I'm not busy enough to justify childcare so no idea what we'd do.

I also have my sights set on a job I'd love in 4/5 years time which would mean I could not take any days off without prior notice so DH would have to deal with all sick days, parent teacher meetings etc. As ridiculous as it is as I may never get this job, I do wonder how it would work.

This thread is so interesting to me

Well it really depends on whether he can do pick up fairly easily around his work or not.

If he could do it fairly easily then he's being a dick to say no.

However if doing pick up is going to make it difficult for him to do his job properly then he has a point. Ultimately your family does (I presume) need his income much more than yours so as a pp said, it doesn't make sense for him to jeopardise his job to facilitate yours.

So two questions

1. what effect would doing these pick ups have on his job and

2. is there another alternative that doesn't impinge on either job ie longer hours childcare?

Your issue is not your mismatched earnings it's your husband has sod all respect for you and what you do. This is the issue you need to resolve. He sees you as secondary to him, an afterthought.

My husband and I have been together since I was 20.28 years. For a long time he earned more than me, now I outearn him substantially. Neither of us cared. The responsibilities were always shared and we do our best to help each other out, we took it in turns to do stuff. We worked it so both our needs were met, and our daughter was of primary importance to us both. Neither of us have ever been more important than the other.

That's what a relationship is, not the shit this guy is doling out. He resents doing stuff for his kids or wife? For me, he'd pull that shit once and if it ever happened again, it would be game over and he'd know it. Luckily for me, I married someone who never pulled that shit. I suspect he knew what would have happened if he did.

So sit him down and explain in words of one syllable you're equal partners and this is how it works as a team, and if he doesn't like it he can fuck Off out of it and send you the maintenance every month. Then tell him the next time there will be no discussion, it will end without comment.

If he's actually resentful then it's fuck all to do with financial responsibility and everything to do with himself and thinking he should be above such mundane trivia as collecting his own kids.