Is this too unfair post break-up?

[IsThisTooDrastic]

I've NC'd for this; and have changed some minor details to maintain anonymity. Will try to summarise.

Met DP age 31 when going through divorce from 1st marriage (was with ex-h from age 18-29, no DC).

After a year together, he asked me to move in & although I was unsure (probably not over divorce at that point), a job in my specialist field care up & it forced me to make a decision, so I moved from my hometown.

The 1st couple of years were good, but I felt after that he was losing interest & not committed. I was mid-30's & wanted DC; he said he was suffering from depression (had this on/off throughout adult life but never told me before I moved in). So I issued an ultimatum as I needed to move on & wanted a clean break. I had a niggling feeling there was someone else on his part, but he denied this.

He begged me to stay & I agreed, getting pregnant shortly after. DC was born early & in Hospital a long time, when DC eventually came home, I was not right. At this point he left his email open & I saw messages that implied an affair with his secretary. I couldn't face confronting him & just buried my head. I somehow blamed myself that I had pressurised him.

We went on to have another DC & had a few difficult years (redundancy, illness in DC). He worked away/long hours, leaving me struggling at home with 2 young DC & no support. I have grown very resentful.

His depression came back & he was off work, without pay & we couldn't pay the mortgage. He is just getting over it now, but is very fragile.

So we have not been happy for years, there is no intimacy (hadn't been for years).

A job has come up in my hometown. If I went for it, I would probably get it (niche area). But it would involve selling house & taking DC away to live, him only seeing them at weekends, me working f-t (instead of current p/t). DC are 9&4, with youngest starting school in summer.
Youngest DC wouldn't be too affected, but older would be - he is a daddy's boy. I can't afford to separate & stay where I live (hometown is cheaper).

I also think if I did this, DP's mental health would deteriorate & he'd go off sick.

Is it too much to do? Will DC suffer too much? Or should I even contemplate trying to work things out with him, when the feelings are not there?

My thoughts:

Sounds like a rebound relationship too soon after your divorce with Limerence thrown in? Limerence usually lasts up to 36 months (go google it) enough time to pair bond and have kids.... From memory, whoever falls in Limerence first, falls out first? Did he fall first? Was he intense in the beginning? I dunno go google!

Question: was your DP the OM?

If your DP was the OM and was prepared to cheat with you, it might explain his cheating with you?

I suppose had you had got to know him properly first and you had an honest relationship, maybe you'd have known about his depression?

From the very little you've written and me being a complete random stranger giving you my opinion, I'd say this relationship didn't start off in the right environment in the beginning for either of you and you've both tried to make it work (sunk cost etc) but if I was in your shoes, I'd move back home with your kids and get yourselves straight. I understand you're concerned about your DP but you can support him when you're settled and you can set up healthy boundaries around contact between him and the DC.

Thanks for your reply; no DP was not OM - I met him about 18m after my marriage ended.

I don't think it was limerance, more naivety & lack of life/relationship experience where I didn't recognise what I now know were red flags. He was much more in to me to start with & I was a bit blasé (probably not ready for a serious relationship).

I realise I have issues with confrontation & boundaries, and have made myself very unhappy in relationships as a result.

I haven't talked to DP about my unhappiness, as this current episode of depression has lasted nearly 2 years & has affected him to the extent of being off work for 6m & working reduces hours for 1 year. His employment is shaky, with talk of losing his job - probably performance related & linked to his depression. I have been afraid to confront things in case he goes off sick again & loses his job - fairly likely.

I'm just worried that no-one will be happier if we split up - the DC missing their dad, having to move nurseries/schools & home, with their mum (me) not around as much. Eldest DC has a good group of friends & hobbies/activities.

What is your gut telling you OP?

I've been wanting to run for the hills for the last couple of years & had all sorts of lottery win fantasies.

But now that it's a real possibility I feel overwhelmed & paralysed by fear.

I think you have to go, OP. You can wait it out (for what? Will things suddenly improve?) or spend more years getting bored, frustrated then wake up one day with the kids gone and nothing left for you. Selfish though it may seem right now, you only have one life: live it.

Has he ever had any help for his depression?. Two years sounds like a long time for someone who has been getting help (ads or talking therapy). If he has refused to get help, then yes, i would pack up and run. Things don't miraculously get better on their own.

That said, whether he is receiving treatment or not, his mh and employment consequences are not your issue to 'fix'. All anyone can be is supportive. And it's sounds as though you've spent far too long supporting and putting him first and yourself last already.

Can you really face doing this for the next decade and more?

Now's a good time for the kids really - before secondary school when it's still relatively easy to make new friendship groups.

I haven't talked to DP about my unhappiness

I think this would be a good place to start.

I’d definitely take the job. You’re not happy, he’s not happy and the kids can’t be happy either. Have a clean break from the relationship and you can both move on with your lives.

Yes, he's had treatment for depression (2 years of private psychotherapy which I had to ask him to stop as we had no money), but this is the first time he has had antidepressants & seen a GP (he's mid-40's).

I've not really supported him emotionally during this as I have felt unable to (following him not supporting me in family life for years). Not the best dynamic.

I thought I'd be getting a harder time on here for not confronting him in the 1st instance - I just didn't have any reserve at the time & of course it has festered.

I'd go for it too.

Looks like sooner or later it'll be just you and the kids anyway (because let's face it, you're miserable with DP and life can't limp on like this) so you might as well get yourself sorted now whilst there's a good job going

Best of luck, deep breath and apply. You got this.

I'd go for it too - sooner rather than later if possible. The children will survive. Good luck.

If he’s likely to be not working in the near future and you move out, assume he’d have to sell up / move anyway?

Any chance he might think about moving nearer your hometown so he could see the boys more often? I don’t mean so you could look after him, more just that seeing his kids might make things easier on them and on him.

I think you should go for the job, discuss it wirh your partner and he maybe willing to relocate.Getting yourself financially independent is going to be essential.

Could you now raise the affair to lance the resentment?
How far are you looking to move?

Yes, would have to sell up as I certainly can't afford the mortgage on my own. He possibly could if he is able to keep working. I'd be entitled to some equity from it either way.

I'm going to phone some local schools & see if they have places in his year, and have enquired by email to wrap-around care providers to find out about costs etc. Can only move realistically if there's a school place (very popular area with good schools).

Also panicking about the finances, especially if DP stops working. And them both being in f/t childcare (no flexible working & a fixed 9-5).

Yes I would go. Life is too short to live this unhappily. Good luck.

I doubt he'd be willing to relocate or commute to his current job. He earns 3X my current salary & things will be extremely tight for me, especially if he isn't working to pay maintenance.

We have no savings (all spent when he was ill & not working) & a knackered old car between us. I'd have to buy furniture, pay for legal expenses etc. Would have to rent initially as I don't think I could Co-ordinate everything at once, so more change for DC.

You might be able to rent furnished. Anyway, it can be a gradual process and you can get it'll-do-for-now secondhand stuff to start with. I presume if it's your hometown, you have friends and family still there?

He earns 3X my current salary & things will be extremely tight for me, especially if he isn't working to pay maintenance.

It doesn't matter if he's not willing to pay maintenance: they're his children and he will be obliged to pay it.

It might take a while to get it sorted, but being responsible for his children isn't optional.

It sounds as though you'd all be happier if the two of you split up.

I think the OP meant if he loses his job he won't be able to pay maintenance, rather than not being willing to pay.

OP have you read your own posts back? What would you tell a friend to do in the same situation? You'd almost certainly not tell them to stay.

You aren't responsible for your DP's mental health, he needs to look after himself. I'm struck by the fact that you felt unable to support him as he doesn't support you, it sounds so isolated. Also, it's perfectly possible he is just as unhappy in the relationship and this is contributing to his depression.

Apply for the job.

ontherise - if he goes off sick
His company will not give him sick pay - it will be SSP of £90/wk. So it's not that he won't be willing, it's that he won't have much to provide.

. I think my childcare will be around £250 a week. Rents on Rightmove are around £900pcm. I'll earn about £2K & salary will not increase (NHS, top of Band).

Apply for the job and see what happens.
If he looses his job would you be able to keep your current home or would you potentially be needing to sell it anyway?
Will you have family support back in your hometown?
It does sound like now is the time to start making changes in your life.

I think you ate resentful about the affair and rightly so. You've reached the point of being emotionally checked out of the marriage.

You're just prolonging when you eventually leave. If/When you speak to him...mention the affair.

My biggest concern is that DC will only see their dad every weekend (or EOW) - it would be too far away for him to see them during the week. I think that's shit all round - both for him & them.

And I'm seriously worried about being in poverty - will be on a fixed salary that will not rise, no entitlement to benefits except CB, with fairly high childcare costs (estimating around £800-1K a month) - salary will be around 2K month & rent £800/900 plus need to run car, buy petrol & food - it doesn't really add up.

OP have you checked what financial help you might be entitled to? You'll be able to claim child benefit and tax credits or the equivalent Universal Credit to top up your salary.

I'm not sure how far away your hometown is but I would be looking to see if I could separate and stay near to

I'm 5 minutes from ex and it makes a huge difference to DC compared to an every other weekend scenario.