Is this too unfair post break-up?

[IsThisTooDrastic]

I've NC'd for this; and have changed some minor details to maintain anonymity. Will try to summarise.

Met DP age 31 when going through divorce from 1st marriage (was with ex-h from age 18-29, no DC).

After a year together, he asked me to move in & although I was unsure (probably not over divorce at that point), a job in my specialist field care up & it forced me to make a decision, so I moved from my hometown.

The 1st couple of years were good, but I felt after that he was losing interest & not committed. I was mid-30's & wanted DC; he said he was suffering from depression (had this on/off throughout adult life but never told me before I moved in). So I issued an ultimatum as I needed to move on & wanted a clean break. I had a niggling feeling there was someone else on his part, but he denied this.

He begged me to stay & I agreed, getting pregnant shortly after. DC was born early & in Hospital a long time, when DC eventually came home, I was not right. At this point he left his email open & I saw messages that implied an affair with his secretary. I couldn't face confronting him & just buried my head. I somehow blamed myself that I had pressurised him.

We went on to have another DC & had a few difficult years (redundancy, illness in DC). He worked away/long hours, leaving me struggling at home with 2 young DC & no support. I have grown very resentful.

His depression came back & he was off work, without pay & we couldn't pay the mortgage. He is just getting over it now, but is very fragile.

So we have not been happy for years, there is no intimacy (hadn't been for years).

A job has come up in my hometown. If I went for it, I would probably get it (niche area). But it would involve selling house & taking DC away to live, him only seeing them at weekends, me working f-t (instead of current p/t). DC are 9&4, with youngest starting school in summer.
Youngest DC wouldn't be too affected, but older would be - he is a daddy's boy. I can't afford to separate & stay where I live (hometown is cheaper).

I also think if I did this, DP's mental health would deteriorate & he'd go off sick.

Is it too much to do? Will DC suffer too much? Or should I even contemplate trying to work things out with him, when the feelings are not there?

Sorry. Cross post. Would you get help with childcare costs?

I think I'll be able to keep going with childcare vouchers if I started in April (heard something about them being discontinued) & CB but nothing else. I'll have a look at the "entitled to" calculator & double check.

My current job is part time & I only earn £1100pcm, so cannot afford to rent or buy at all, on that salary nearby.

The potential new job is 1hr away (in good traffic, double that each way in rush hour) & full-time. Rent/property prices are much lower.

There are two issues here.

The first is that you are having issues in your relationship which may or may not make the relationship untenable for you. However, you haven’t been willing to discuss the fact that you are unhappy with your DH for the past two years, and are planning to just leave? While I don’t think that anyone should stay in a relationship where they are seriously unhappy, it is incredibly cruel to just tell someone that it’s over and that you’re taking their kids away and that they will now only get to see them every other weekend because you plan to move away to work in a job you applied for without their knowledge.

If someone posted here that their partner had told them out of the blue that the relationship was over because of their depression, depression they had asked them to stop having therapy for, and had applied for jobs hours away and were moving they would be told that the partner was an arsehole of epic proportions to just drop a bombshell like this out of nowhere.

While I can see how people do fall into the trap of failing to discuss things for a considerable length of time, you do at the very least owe it to your DH and your children to talk to him about the things that are making you unhappy, even if that means that the relationship is still untenable and you end up separating.

The second issue is your wish to move away with the DC. Firstly, the DC have a right to an equal relationship with both parents, and moving away is not a decision which should be made unilaterally. Also, you say you don’t think that the four year old will care? TBH you are being extremely naive and perhaps applying some wishful thinking there. Children generally do love their parents, and separation does tend to impact more greatly on them than we often wish to admit as adults. Moving the DC away at such a young age will very likely permanently impact on the relationship they have with their father. Is that what you want for them? Added to which, will you be able to afford the travel costs for them to see him every other weekend as a minimum plus half the holidays? If he went to court it’s likely that a judge would order that you cover the costs of travelling since you are the one moving, plus this can often be offset against maintenance if he has to cover any of the travel costs.

If this relationship is genuinely over then you need to talk to him. But you need to talk to him before you start applying for jobs and making plans for removing his kids hours away.

You've sat on this for long enough OP, this is your opportunity to go.
Will you be close to friends and family if you move ?
Your children will be fine, if you are, you are responsible for them, your partner is a grown man. You have one life, don't let it pass you by.🌸

Sounds like ending the relationship would be for the best, whatever you decide about where to live, but moving back to your home town may not be agreed by the family court if your DP challenges your plans. Legal advice would be sensible.

Thank you Chaos, I really value your perspective.

I realise I've been putting my head in the sand. I feel it would be like opening Pandora's Box if I said anything & it would negatively impact on his recovery - it's been a fairly severe episode of depression.

I have genuinely been too worried about his mental health to tell him I'm not happy. I have told him previously, and nothing really changed (still working long hours, not pulling his weight at home, lack of sex & intimacy). I have found it very hard to live with his depression (he can be very disengaged/snappy & I've been doing all the housework, childcare as well as working).

Yes, our communication is crap; he hasn't told me he is unhappy either & we've just muddled through the last couple of years, literally trying to keep a roof over our heads & put food on the table - it has been really shit.

I'm trying to work out if I have the feelings for him to continue at all.

I've been on the waiting list for counselling for 3 months to explore the issues with someone neutral, so I can get my approach right & a different perspective. The plan was to do this before I told him I was unhappy.

But this job coming up has changed things - jobs in in my field are few & far between, so it's forcing the timescale that this one has come up.

And unfortunately he wasn't thinking of me too much when he was shagging his secretary whilst I was pregnant & looking after a sick child.

Nonetheless, there are 2 DC who need to be at the forefront of decision making. In an ideal world, I'd be able to afford a home nearby & co-parent, but sadly that's not realistic.

I'm just not sure I have enough feelings to continue on with him & am just trying to work out the least worst option.

Why on earth hasn't he had ADs beforehand? Two years of private psychotherapy seems a hell of an indulgence if he hadn't even seen a GP for meds which really do help.

He says he'd never taken anti-D's before or seen a GP as it wasn't affecting his life/relationships- however he has been made redundant several time's & I wonder if it's been related. He only went to a GP this time as it was affecting his work performance.

And yes, the two years of therapy was a sore point for me. Initially I was supportive, but when we didn't have money for food & it was Christmas coming - I asked about exit strategy, putting it on hold etc & he was defensive. I think he was using it as an emotional crutch.

Anyway, it just feels like a shit situation all round, with no easy solutions.

Children adjust but it is a huge upheaval. I think the job has prompted you to think seriously about what you actually want. Which it seems you really need to do. Maybe it will act as a catalyst for change.

But I don't think I'd turn everyone's lives upside down for the job.

If leaving is right I'd take time to think how to do it. For me, as soon as I knew it was over, the focus was entirely how to make it ok for the children. Staying near their dad was priority.

Eg, for the first weeks they saw their Dad a lot. It really helped. And he has really good contact now. He has made adjustments to make it work but it took time for him to get over the initial shock to do that.

I get the financial issues. (I've been reading job ads and putting figures into entitled to all day!) I know you might be limited in your options, but I'd be careful not to rush into anything.

Would you have family/friend support if you moved back to your hometown?

I would category - although my parents are elderly & my dad has a life-limiting condition; I guess that's what's prompting a lot of my thinking - to be a bit nearer my parents in their last years. Also a sibling & good friends of 10-15 years +.

But yes, the children's needs come first - that's why I am so conflicted.

I've dreamed about moving back, but maybe that's what it should stay? It's such a lot of upheaval. If it was just me, I'd be off in a shot. But it seems so unfair to the DC, especially my eldest. IME, children are hugely affected by divorce. I'm not by nature a selfish person & have always put their needs first.

I just can't find a way for it to work here, short of waiting years till my economic situation gets better.

It just feels like being in a vacuum just now & I can't see any way out that's reasonable. I need to get my head straight - hopefully counselling will help.

Living with two unhappy parents also affects children hugely.

I know, category - I'm just worried it'll mess them up, no matter what I do or don't do.

There's no fighting or arguing, just a distance & lack of warmth towards each other - not the relationship I want to model for them.

I've been making the best of it for years, trying to find fulfilment from friends, hobbies, work etc.

I just can't see a way out where everyone's needs are met in a reasonable way.

You could all relocate to your hometown? Then take it from there. Seems there's nothing keeping you where you are and H job looks iffy. Things may improve when you ha ve your support network and if nothing changes well H could move out but still be near to kids. Kind of do it in stages .

What Chaos said.

Applying for a job is a lever for kick-starting a new life - if a new life is what you want. It sounds to me like you are starting at the wrong end. I appreciate that a new job would be critical in enabling you to start afresh, and is one of many interconnected factors. But checking school places before you have reached some conclusions about how terminal your marriage relationship is, how you will separate, and how your (your-plural) children will be jointly parented, suggests to me you are thinking about the mechanics of your new life before you have discussed the end of your old life with your OH.

I agree that the kids have to come first, and that a move would be a big upheaval for them both, and particularly for your older boy - but children do adapt, and I worry about them if you stay in your current situation. You aren't happy, and your DP isn't happy - and the kids will know this. They are growing up in a home which is modelling what will be to them "normal" family dynamics and behaviour, and what they are learning isn't good at all. They are also learning what a husband and father looks like from your DP, and if he's shagging around and not pulling his weight at home, that really isn't a model you want them to aspire to.

I just think that if you wait too long, you may end up desperate to go - a couple of years and your ds will be going to secondary - I think it's worse to move them then. Personally think moving while they're at primary is easier to deal with.

You need legal advice.

Thanks again for all your replies.

I think if he was prepared to move, and to meet my needs, I think my feelings for him could possibly change, and I am willing to give him the opportunity. I need to know I have done my best for all of us.

But most of all for the DC. I cannot realistically just up & go. It would be a disservice to everyone.

I mentioned the job to him, emailed a link of a nearby house where we could be mortgage free & he could leave his stressful job which has made him ill. He hates his job & is looking around for something else anyway.

I hope he goes for it, op.

Good luck OP. I hope you find a way to be happy, whatever that looks like.