My behaviour is destroying my mental health

[wonder111]

I'm having an affair with an ex boyfriend. I know it's wrong. But part of me feels like i don't care anymore as long as I get to see him.

Each time we meet, our sexual behaviour escalates, my feelings are already crazy through the roof. It's driving me crazy.
We can't be with each other, I'm married, he's engaged. It's just not happening for us.
I have tried to stay away from him. We have months with no contact. And then he messages me and I am so weak when it comes to him. I have his phone number and all social media blocked to make it easy for myself but he makes up new accounts and messages me.

But it's making me ill. Every day all I think about is wanting to be with exBF and how I don't want DH. I don't love DH in that way, I don't want to have sex with him. But he's a nice guy, such a good heart, he's a best friend rather than a husband.

I know the responses will be in a horrible person and I should stay away from exBF and god I have tried. ExBF has pushed me away at times, reminded me we can't be together, said horrible things so I stay away and 99% of the time I do, but mentally I am making my self ill crying and thinking about him all the time.
Myself and exBF are so conflicted. We know we want to be together, we love each other but life just didn't work that way for us.

I know I am an awful person. And I hate myself for acting 'normal' in front of DH, I hate the lies I tell him which he believes because he trusts me so much. I hate how DH thinks everything is perfect when I feel sick with disgust every time I plaster a smile on my face. I hate how I quietly cry myself to sleep, I hate the person I have become. I hate how disappointed my parents would be if they found out what their daughter has been doing. I'm just full of so much self hatred. And even if it stops with exBF, which it may have to once he gets married. It still happened. Even 10 years from now I will know it still happened. A secret which I will have to take to my grave.

I understand. It’s hard. Your life is a bit dull and this man takes you away from it for a while. It’s infatuation.
But I fear you’ll get flamed.

OP I don't have an helpful advice but I totally understand - I married my DH even though he's a best friend and I don't feel sexually attracted to him and now I have a huge attraction to someone else, even though nothing has happened. I can't turn my feelings off and it's wrecking my mental health too, so you're not alone.

It's so hard to hurt someone you care about by being honest even though it's not as if you've chosen to feel this for your ex - yes of course acting on it is totally wrong but what's done is done.

Hopefully someone will be able to advise without just saying you're wrong because you already know that.

First, end your marriage. Think why you split with your exbf in the first place. Why is he seeing you when he's engaged? Is it because your relationship wasn't enough to hold it together but adding excitement in the form of subterfuge etc does?

OP there's a part of the MN - or there used to be - where you can post stuff like this without the judgement and insults which are going to head your way. You're obviously really fragile at the moment. Don't do it to yourself. Get this one deleted.

Oh poor you! Its making you ill? Well theres 2 innocent people being cheated on!

Sounds like you and your ex deserve each other! I know i may come off a little harsh but i despise cheaters! You want to go off with someone else you tell your partner and treat them with some respect!

I think the ex is using you. If you are in love why not just leave your current relationships and start a new one together? Why won't that work? It sounds like he is making excuses and just wants you for his bit on the side.

One thing is certain though. Things can't continue the way they are. It will consume and destroy you, the guilt, the self hatred. If you don't love your husband you need to tell him and leave him. He deserves to be with someone who loves him back, respects him and won't abuse his trust like this. If he loves and trusts you like you say, finding out about your true feelings and infidelity is going to be very painful and damaging for him. It will effect his self esteem, his future relationships for a very long time. Please have some compassion and tell him the truth so he can be free to rebuild from this. The longer you go on this way the worse it'll be. Trust me.

As for the ex you should give him an ultimatum. He leaves his partner and you two have a go at a relationship or you stop this affair now and walk away from each other forever. I don't believe he really loves you and I don't believe you'd ever have a decent healthy relationship together based on the dynamic you've described. But I think you need to try it to see for yourself. To carry on like this is damaging for everyone.

This is a blip in your life story. You will look back on this time and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

You need to come to this realisation yourself. And you will.

I would say irrespective of whether this affair continues or not, you need to get a divorce. The feelings towards your DH won’t change and although this will certainly hurt him, at least it affords him a chance of a happier future and you too. The affair is probably more a reaction to your unhappy marriage and you may find it’s less appealing once you make moves to end the marriage. Good luck

@wonder111

Do you know how many posts like this get posted on MN? Loads! So I usually trot these links out >

You and your AP aren't 'spesh' / 'loves your dream'. It's all about the chemicals:

http://brainworldmagazine.com/flame-addiction-neuroscience-infidelityy_//_

Limerence:

http://loverelations.co.uk/the-limerence-affairr_//_

Ester Perez:

<a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882" target="_blank">http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882

@wonder111

It's sounds like it's all about your mental health and not about the potential effects on your family if this all comes out OP. Tbh it sounds selfish and this does sound classic affair speak. It's about what you want, your happiness, you!

However, after reading info about affairs for over 16 months, i keep seeing literature on how to rebuild marriages too.

Go google John Gottman books, vids etc and look at his credentials as well.

Have a read of this link on his site:

www.gottman.com/blog/an-affair-does-not-have-to-mean-the-end/

And this site:

marriagebuilders.com/search_new.cfm

I appreciate all the responses to something I fully understand is a mess of my own making.

Myself and exBF split initially as both our parents weren't happy with our relationship. We are from different cultural backgrounds and their opinions were that it would be too difficult for us to integrate with each other's families. After pressure from our parents we both decided to go our separate ways. I met someone through my parents who on paper is perfect and they are so happy with him. Fast forward a few years later and exBF comes back in to my life. At a time when I was already starting to feel like things weren't as good with DH as I initially thought. And it's my fault yes but I was just too weak to say no.

I could end it with DH but I'm afraid what this will do to my parents. I come from a background where everything is questioned and judged and I don't want my parents to go through that kind of public shaming. I just wish I had stuck to my guns and not succumbed to cultural pressures when I first told parents about exBF.

Ok.

What do you want from this thread? You know things can't go on as they are, it's not good for anybody. If you are not strong enough to leave the marriage, you must end the affair. If you can't end the affair, you need to walk away from the marriage.

Or you can carry on as you are but knowing this is destroying you mentally and also in fear that you will get found out, which will be even worse than just coming clean.

I think that you have to end the marriage regardless as you are unhappy and not in love. Your parents need to understand that. Then you can consider what to do about this ex.

If the guilt is unbearable, I really think you need to come clean and tell your husband what's been happening. Yes, it'll cause a lot of hurt to a lot of people. But it seems the lie is eating you up from the inside and you can't carry on like this. Tell the truth, apologise and then tell him what you've told us about how you feel (only if you feel it's safe to do so and that he won't lash out physically, if not then it may be better to leave without explanation). What's done is done and now you need to move forward. Good luck.

That's completely different op. I know how difficult it must be for you, but you have to leave your husband. You didn't love him,it was an arranged marriage of a sort. The same thing happened to my friend (half European and half Pakistani). Her Pakistani father allowed himself to marry a white European Christian but clamped down on his daughters and sent them to Pakistan. Of course, they'd been raised the European way and revolted. All three daughters are divorced now and estranged from their father. However, they're happy because they couldn't live a lie.

You need to do the decent thing and either stop this affair or leave your husband. Because carrying on the way you are now is leading to grief and torment for yourself. I don't think you need to confess everything in great detail to your husband but you need to end the situation as it is now.

@wonder111

I do understand the pressure from parents and the desire not to disappoint them but clearly you are now at a crossroads. They are happy, your DH is happy as he doesn't know whats going on and your ex-bf is happy(this may not be true) with things as they are. The only person who really really isn't is you. Its killing you and you are under enormous strain trying to keep it under wraps. If something doesn't change it will come out in some form or you will break. Neither is good.
What is the end game? Do you actually want to be with this ex boy friend, does he want to be with you?

I know it sounds like some kind of warped fairy tale, but we do truly want to be with each other. Yet both of us are doing things we feel like we 'should' be doing. And it's so hard. I feel like I'm living this double life. Even before exBF got in to contact with me again, my mind wandered to him more than it should have done. I missed him but thought it was never gonna happen and tried to make myself happy with DH. But as time has gone on I've felt myself drifting away from DH. We had/have a non existent sex life because I just don't want to be passionate with him. Then exBF sent me a message around 18 months and it's just spiralled out of control from there.

I know deep down I will have to forget exBF. On paper there is no reason for me to split up with DH and I also believe I will never be truly happy messing his life up in such a way. The guilt would drive me crazy. My parents and family wouldn't understand and they'd be so disappointed. I'd much rather have DH thinking everything is ok and without sounding like a martyr of my own circumstances I think I'm going to have move and forget exBF but it's just so hard. Like I said I have him blocked from every form of contact to make it easier for myself. I never thought I would be in such a position in my life. And I can tell no one. Hence trying to find some solace online, somewhere I can admit my true feelings anonymously.

Hmmm. I'm thinking your situation is different than your average affair territory...I have no deep understanding of arranged marriages but I couldn't imagine having to give up someone I loved just 'because'.

I'm very pro marriage but in this instance I'd probably leave tbh. Unless someone could convince me otherwise 🤔

@wonder111
Putting your hopes and desires last, I am not sure it is sustainable. You have already tried this and look what has happened.
I know what it is like to have to tell your parents that what they want is not what you want although an arranged marriage was never on the table. It is hard. Sometimes it will work out and sometimes it won't. It depends on what you value most in your life and what you can genuinely live with and without, be brutally honest with yourself.
I am unsure if you really have made up your mind but I wish you good luck in finding some peace of mind and strength in this situation and to move forward.

The reason why I feel like I can't end it was because it wasn't an 'arranged forced' marriage. I went in to this fully aware of everything I was agreeing to. Which is why I'm confident my family will not understand. What I had was more like a blind date with someone, just facilitated by my parent, and I think initially I was looking at everything through rose tinted glasses. Yes there were sparks between myself and DH. We got on. He seemed a nice guy. And even now we get along so well. But it's like best friends living together. The second talks get a little 'passionate/sexual' I'm instantly uncomfortable. I change the subject and DH has no idea why. He has accepted my low sex drive answer and the fact that I'm just not a cuddly person. But I am. I just don't want to with DH.

I think I'm being quite selfish going back to exBF. And as stupid as it sounds I have cut off nearly all contact after he told me about his engagement. Again, another parental pressure. 'Oh you're 30, you need to get married, who will marry you' and that cultural parental pressure can make you feel so small you almost agree to anything thinking that it's your duty.

But it was an arranged marriage in that you felt obliged to. Yes, he's a nice guy...but si are many guys out there. You don't feel like having sex with all the nice guys because you need to have a spark with a particular one.

Regardless of why or how you ended up married, he's not the man for you. You're young and presumably so is he, so you have time to go out and meet or be with people who do 'do it's for you.

Leave your husband ... he deserves better than you you utterly heartless woman.

Oh op, this sounds like a very upsetting situation. It'seems easy for me to say leave your husband but I get that, for you, that comes with it's own set of issues. Could you open up to your husband about generally not feeling happy, maybe attend some counselling? How is your general mental health? Is there anything else underlying that may need addressin for you to be truly happy?

I think the best thing in this and many situations, is to put yourself in your husbands shoes. Change he to she in your original message. And imagine you you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. I am not judging as perhaps it is hard to portray the full story in one message. But if your husband is a very good man and YOU don't feel the excitement, the attraction etc then I'm sorry, but it is your problem and you must deal with it. It is never fair to deceive somebody and it would be far healthier to let him know the truth. Who knows, he may not be into you any longer - you make it sound like this I not a love story so it may be a weight off his mind too! I'm not certain the ex is the right person either as he sounds like he is having his cake and eating it and you are making that quite easy for him - I would be interested in his reaction if you left your current partner and wanted a relationship with him. Perhaps being single and fully commiting to leaving your current partner is best right now? Or, if salvageable, marriage counselling? X

I've had a conversation with DH tonight about me not being happy and how I feel. He was quite upset, had noticed a few times I was upset or down but had accepted my answer of work stress etc at the time. He doesn't want to split up, he thinks we have a brilliant marriage.

I couldn't tell him about the affair, I just couldn't. I know I'm trapped in this marriage. I can't end it, my parents wouldn't understand, family wouldn't, my parents would feel so much shame in the community. I can't do that to them. And I also can't do this to DH. It would break his heart. I know what I'm doing is wrong and unfaithful but I'm going to have to keep it a secret and leave exBF to his life.

Thank you for all your replies. Life is what you make it, I have to forget exBF and get myself out of this infatuated phase.