My behaviour is destroying my mental health

[wonder111]

I'm having an affair with an ex boyfriend. I know it's wrong. But part of me feels like i don't care anymore as long as I get to see him.

Each time we meet, our sexual behaviour escalates, my feelings are already crazy through the roof. It's driving me crazy.
We can't be with each other, I'm married, he's engaged. It's just not happening for us.
I have tried to stay away from him. We have months with no contact. And then he messages me and I am so weak when it comes to him. I have his phone number and all social media blocked to make it easy for myself but he makes up new accounts and messages me.

But it's making me ill. Every day all I think about is wanting to be with exBF and how I don't want DH. I don't love DH in that way, I don't want to have sex with him. But he's a nice guy, such a good heart, he's a best friend rather than a husband.

I know the responses will be in a horrible person and I should stay away from exBF and god I have tried. ExBF has pushed me away at times, reminded me we can't be together, said horrible things so I stay away and 99% of the time I do, but mentally I am making my self ill crying and thinking about him all the time.
Myself and exBF are so conflicted. We know we want to be together, we love each other but life just didn't work that way for us.

I know I am an awful person. And I hate myself for acting 'normal' in front of DH, I hate the lies I tell him which he believes because he trusts me so much. I hate how DH thinks everything is perfect when I feel sick with disgust every time I plaster a smile on my face. I hate how I quietly cry myself to sleep, I hate the person I have become. I hate how disappointed my parents would be if they found out what their daughter has been doing. I'm just full of so much self hatred. And even if it stops with exBF, which it may have to once he gets married. It still happened. Even 10 years from now I will know it still happened. A secret which I will have to take to my grave.

Been through something very much like this in the last few months. However i didn't have sex with my OM. I chose to tell my partner everything. We are now no longer together can't blame him though my behaviour was appalling. He deserved so much better and at the end of the day he deserved me to be honest with him. What have a learned from all this well that a stupid infatuation has cost me a fabulous man and i've been left alone Om wants nothing to do with me now. I've been a complete idiot risking everything i had for something that mean't nothing in the end. My OM was also a past love. You need to either decide one way or the other?? Good luck.

Wonder...you're going to sacrifice your whole life as well as stop your husband from finding someone who wants to be with him because of your parents? You won't be bringing shame at all. They'll get used to it and as a parent their greatest wish should be to see you happy. I'd think it was a tragedy if my children spent their lives with someone to make me happy.

Thank you all for your replies. I had a day off social media and my phone. I've made a decision to stick things out with DH. I know most may not agree with my decision, but I can't risk losing my parents trust and support over a guy they weren't happy with in the first place.

Maybe time apart has made me lust and infatuate over exBF. If we were truly as strong as I think we could be now then we would have fought to be together. But we both just accepted it.

I fell for DH at the start, I honestly did. I thought this was the beginning of a brand new start and a brand new life. Maybe we've become complacent with day to day life and perhaps we need to go back to basics and try and rekindle what we had at the beginning.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read and reply to my posts.

OP, I think you should get some therapy.

Honestly, I think it will be too hard to do what you are planning on your own.
Whatever the dynamics is, your exbf who reels you back in whenever he feels like it, you feeling unable to say no to him - it doesn‘t sound like a scenario in which you can just decide to stop.
It has a very high potential to wreck your mental health.
Get help.

Im sorry but my god you're being so selfish.. this isnt about how your dh will feel at all its about how your parents will feel and how you'll come out of it looking like a cheater.. because thats what you are. You know you can get away with it now and a few years down the line it will be someone else.

Also playing the martyr.. seriously only one person who deserves any sympathy in this situation and its not you!

I really hope your dh finds out and actually gets a real chance at a happy life. You have the chance to treat this man with some dignity and respect but you won't afford him that incase everyone sees you for what you are.

Bedsox I don't, (in fact have never) say this to posters on MN, but if you're incapable of saying something useful then don't post.

OP I am very upset for you. I cannot imagine the sacrifice you are feeling forced to make. A life with no self determination in what is the most important facet of it. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

The best thing for yourself would be to leave your DH. But I understand while you feel that option is just not feasible. It would take enormous courage and the consequences could still hurt you in another way.

FWIW my sister has a friend who was in a similar position to you, but in desperation, she had more than one affair. Eventually she was found out and all hell broke loose. She told my sister that her own brother spat in her face. But that same fear of 'community shame' actually worked to her advantage in the end. The family didn't want the story to come out and risk shame, so they had a quiet divorce. Everybody blamed it on her supposed 'mental problems' no one talked, and consequently now she has the life she wants. She hasn't remarried, but is dating different men and has her own career. And most of the family have accepted things now, and ironically have tried to set her up with different men since. I would say they have a new respect for her even though they don't like what she did and she's the blacksheep so to speak.

I have another friend who left the UK at the earliest opportunity and lives the life she wants abroad.

So you really don't know for sure what the consequences would be unless you do something and put it to the test. Sometimes the fear is greater than the reality. Perhaps your family would learn that you can't always keep people who truly love each other apart. BUT I entirely get that not everyone can rebel.

My concern is that if you stay in this marriage you will still suffer mentally. You don't say how old you are. But a married life of potentially decades to someone you can barely be sexually intimate with sounds like an unbearable burden. And what about bringing children into a marriage where one one of you is resigned at best?

You need to talk to someone in real life. Is there no one open minded you can talk to? It needn't necessarily be a friend as such. I'm trying to think of an organisation that could help.

But hugs and OP. You have my deepest sympathy and personally I think you should drop the guilt. Just accept it. You know what, if this is it forever I say treasure the memories!

It is useful. Im really not sure why so many will jump up to defend this when if it were a man he would be getting torn to shreds.

OP asked for opinions their going to ve varied and im of the opinion that the OP is disregarding her husband's feelings and is more worried about the shame that will be brought onto herself.

Because of the context. Have you considered the surrounding context at all? Because if you have then you must be possessed of a very small imagination to continue to post such a spiteful message. And sometimes you do have consider whether what you post will help a person who is suffering mentally. Posting entails a certain amount of responsibility at times!!!.

I have read the context thank you but ive always been brought up that there is NEVER a reason for being unfaithful and that its cowardly. I appricate did OP is battling with her mental heath guilt but is everyone forgetting there is a totally inncoent person here who does not deserve this? Infidelity aside he also doesnt deserve to be merely tolarated for the next however many years. You only live once surely OP knows this why not go for what she wants and set her partner free so he may do the same.. yeah it will hurt but ultimately nobody can keep you in a relationship you dont want to be in.

My opinion is based on how i would feel if my DH did something similar and i found out in the later years of my life id be devastated you cant get all that time back i would feel robbed.

why not go for what she wants and set her partner free so he may do the same

So you haven't got the context then.

I have but shes not actually willing to tell him shes been having an affair

It’s all about you isn’t it? Perhaps it’s time to think about your husband, and your boyfriends fiance. Focus less on yourself and be a bit kinder to other people around you. Remember, what goes around comes around.