I don't know how to start this, but I thought I asked the mum's of this forum for help, as my Wife regularly uses this platform, and has even helped me better understand the women's mind.
The story starts with me, being a loser at least 8 years ago before I met my wife. Having no backbone, constant white lies, and a very bad smoking habit. There is no excuse for any of it.
Getting married 8 years ago, started a long process of improvement in my life. I feel I have since grown up. I understood my responsibilities, seen flaws in my habits and my persona.
Over the years, I have come to better understand my wife. And discovered from her and through her eyes seen my flaws. Initially reluctant, first thinking my Wife was controlling, but realizing that it was me that was at fault and had to change.
Habits included smoking weed every day, lies about everything small, not including my wife in important decisions, especially those that affected her.
Examples of this, my parents, most likely being the major issue. I have jumped to their defense way too often, forgiving them to many times.
Even if they have wronged. i.e turning up when it suits them, plotting against my marriage, and worst not keeping promises to my son, for simple days out. In fact not showing genuine love me, my wife or my son. My Mother is the worst for this. It took me up until last month, to cut them out of my life. Even my brother who understands my parents, but acts like I was 8 years ago and agrees, but takes no action.
I am in business, and have made some stupid mistakes with People, mainly business partners. And it is not like I have been warned by my Wife, stupidly thinking that her logic was not sound, and went against it. It was only a year ago that I changed my thinking, and follow closely my Wife's superb skill of understanding people.
My wife and I now argue about once a month, and usually, as always they are not pleasant. My wife got angry, generally rightfully so. But I always felt that her anger was extreme, name-calling, hitting, throwing and breaking stuff. The justification was that I triggered or done something, so was to blame. In all honesty, got blind-sighted by this extreme way of showing the anger.
Initially, before last year, I reacted negatively too, and started shouting or raising my voice in defense. I realized a year ago, that this would never work. So since, just kept calm and never showed my anger, just try to speak calmly and logically. This never worked either, and my Wife still showed the extremes in her actions.
It took me at least 6 Months to figure that I had to understand her emotionally, show that I do not disregard or invalidate her feelings. This actually reduced our arguing by half.
Since I have been trying just to focus on myself, eating well, smoking less, concentrating on providing for my family, being supportive at home, and spending more quality time with my family.
I feel as a person, that I am far away from the rat I used to be. I now even started seeing a counselor, for the last 2 months.
The start of December last year, I decided to do everything I possibly humanly can to make myself a better individual, soul and body.
Since then, I now exercise 4 times a week, practice and learn French, taekwondo, and follow a healthier diet. I as the start of the year, reduced my smoking vastly. Even my weed habit, coming to understand from my Wife, that smoking caused issues. Like smoking constantly - not being normal in society, neighbors being aware, possible negative influence on my son, even though I never smoked in front of him.
So for the last month, and the first time in many many years decided to consider this. I stopped smoking every day, and since December 24th have only smoked weed 3 times, once with the boys, and twice at home in the Garden. But I did one thing that I would state was deceptive, I did not do it at all in front of my wife, whereas - previously I never hid it.
I had many friends that hid it from their wifes, smoking with the boys, but spraying aftershave, changing clothes, washing face, I even had a very professional friend, who would buy eyedrops, just to hide the fact. In the previous years, I use to lecture him, to be himself and not hide this from his wife, thinking it as deceitful.
I wake up at 5am for work most days, and work from home. My family being asleep and neighbors being asleep, I twice smoked weed, one on the 11th and one today. With the boys, I shared one on a Friday while playing poker with them.
But this morning, she woke up early and came down and saw me smoking by the garden, she asked if it was weed and I said yes.
She got angry and said I was disgraceful. I felt massively guilty. I know it was decite. I did not lie, but was not upfront.
I never said I would quit, but chose to reduce it from my life for my families and my own well being.
I kept it hidden but did not lie. And in doing so, my Wife seemed happier, I did not get blamed for ruining her life as previously. It seemed like a placebo effect. And as I massively reduced smoking pretty much, I was happier with myself, as my wife seemed happier, more flirty and more energy to enjoy each other.
I even consciously decided to involve my wife, in business agreements, or structuring where it involved personal relationships. I have to admit she is good at understanding true nature of people, and I am happy to take on her advise and follow it in this regard.
But as of this morning due to her seeing me actually smoke, she swore, raised her voice, said I deserved being hit. A lot calmer than previous arguments, but still very unhappy.
I said I had been deceitful and I am sorry. I kept calm, I had not lied, but more hidden it. I explained the reasons, as above.
I feel that I am a mans man, and though I respect my wife, I still feel that I am an individual. But that individual is no longer a boy and understands that I share a life with someone I love very much. I will always aim to improve, in money, in health, and in relationships. I understand the importance of this. But the boy in me feels that this is controlling behavior and that she will never be happy unless I give complete control. I may be wrong and please tell me if I am. As much as any strong man or woman, I want to evolve and will keep on evolving improving myself.
I dont refuse to quit smoking, I may or may not. But that is not as black and white as that. I want to improve and set a schedule in my life and stick to it with action. I no longer say what I am going to do, like previous years, i,e I would say I am planning to exercise or plan to eat better or earn more money. I just do it now. I like being a man of action now and it suits me.
The issue is that my wife expresses unhappiness during these arguments, blames me for everything wrong in the relationship and how the entire relationship was a mistake, but only during these once a month arguments. Other times, she is truly an amazing woman, she keeps the house together, does the most important job in the world with being a full-time mum to my son and more. We communicate, talk, watch and do things together.
I share the household burden, cleaning in the morning, cooking breakfast, and recently pay the costs involved in having a cleaner and a cook, that my wife sourced. Though this is a very recent occurrence. But the aim to have more time with each other, and also allow my wife to have more freedom to explore her dreams and goals.
I know this has wronged her, but how do I explain my feelings to her, without her misunderstanding me.
I feel sometimes that she is an unhappy, in these moments of major anger, she threatens to leave me, divorce or even cheat (though I doubt she really feels this way - I really don't know).
Just really looking for advice and other peoples experiences, so I can better my families and my life. Any opinions will be greatlfully received.