New bf ex wife - help me hold my nerve

[galaxysong]

Namechanged. I started dating a guy in the summer, and I can honestly say I feel like I’ve won the lottery he’s divine. Handsome, kind, funny, clever, really super manly but really sensitive too, treats me so well, just...all the good things.

We’re both divorced with DC. Both get on with ex’s well enough to coparent well and to remain friendly (pop in for coffee on hand overs etc). We also, by some twist of fate, are acquainted with each other’s ex’s from other situations. What are the chances?! and all is civil etc.

BF’s ex, however, has recently gone through a breakup with her new DH. However, she now seems to be ‘making a play’ for BF. Suddenly needing his involvement in her life a lot more, asking for favours, sending texts reminiscing about their past together etc. BF has been quite open with me about it, he is, by nature, an open book, and the subject of our past relationships has never been taboo. We both vent on occasion when co-parenting or our ex’s are being difficult etc. So in a way it’s great that he’s being honest and has shown me the odd text and how he’s responded (which has been immaculate - gentlemanly but clear that he’s drawn a line and doesn’t engage with it).

But it’s making me a bit nervy. I’d never, not in a million years, show any hint of jealousy or insecurity (it’s just my way). Realistically - if he’s going to go back, he’ll go back and there’s fuck all I can do about it. It doesn’t help that she’s really classically beautiful, graceful, charming** and I’m a sort of awkward alternative type (although he seems to like me a LOT ) but it does play on my insecurities I guess. They have a shared history. DC. I just wish she’d fuck off I feel like I’m having to hold my nerve and not give it too much thought - but it’s difficult as I’ve really fallen for this bloke. It’s so perfect, I’m convinced the universe is going to whip the rug out from under me at any moment. Any advice? How do I manage my feelings on this one?

Why did they divorce?

I guess they grew apart. I think they had different values and expectations of life that I think became more and more difficult to reconcile as the marriage went on.

The fact he is open and has shown you the messages is all you need to know.

There won’t be any surprises if you are all together, and she can’t talk about messages shared etc as he’s told you

She may be playing - but he’s not and is drawing a line - of he was having doubts then he wouldn’t be drawing a line or showing you texts

She’s making a fool of herself...

Divorce is hard (as you know). I can't Imagine why you think he would want to go back. She's the mother of his kids so it stands to reason he is concerned.I think it's great that he shares with you. I would take it as a compliment. And stop putting yourself down!

How long ago was their separation? Was her 2nd marriage short? I would just play it by ear for now and trust your instinct.

You will have rose tinted glasses at this stage so if you feel uncomfortable validate your feelings rather than ignore them.

Hmm, sounds possibly like her DH was a rebound like she hadn't grieved her first marriage and maybe that's why her attention has switched to her ex/ your DP? I mean surely she'd be calling in the favours from her current DH?

If they've gone through the heartache and time and cost of splitting up their family and divorcing it must have meant their marriage was beyond repair.

She's between men and probably reminiscing all the good bits. Maybe talk to him and see if he can remind her gently of the reasons they divorced.

Thanks for the replies. I rationally know that I shouldn’t really be worrying. In fairness to her too, she’s just come out of a marriage with 2DC with a man the complete opposite in ‘type’ to BF. So she’s probably having the panics of now facing life co-parenting with two ex’s, and actually realising that what she thought she wanted in a man whilst in a relationship with bf - well, grass isn’t greener. I really don’t blame her for considering wanting to make another go of it. She’s probably doing a lot of examining her life and where it went wrong right now. I’d still like her to fuck off please though

Ok. No more stressing. I refuse to try to compete (for a man?! As if!!) But all the signs are looking good aren’t they? And if it all falls apart and he goes back - well then fuckit, I’ll be sad but life will go on. I’ll get some more cats I’m not putting myself down either - I’m awkward and weird but I’m cool with that. I have a SOH
and great boobies - I’m a catch

Lots of x-posts - yes you’ve all pretty much verbalised what I’m thinking (or at least, trying to rationally think).

Not much you can do. This ruined a relationship I had. Split us up eventually as just became too much.

And yeah, marriage to latest DH pretty short, was defo a rebound imo! I thought this at the time they got together. New DH is the polar opposite of bf.

sharper did it split you up because you’d had enough of dealing with it /
thinking about it? If you don’t mind me asking. Or was it that he actually went back or considered going back? Sorry to be nosy.

He'd be a bloody fool to let you go OP you sound ace! Such insight that his ex possibly doesn't have....

Had enough dealing with it. She had him on a string and he was rushing back and too “for the kids”...this involved going on a holiday together “for the kids”....”staying over” for the kids....etc etc. 2 years of that and I’d had enough.

He may not be like this but be prepared for her behaviour to her worse before it gets better. When an ex wife fixates I’m getting her old life back, it is a dangerous time

Surely your BF doesn't want to go through the trauma with her all over again.
I think it will blow over,especially as you say she is so drop dead gorgeous. It won't be long then before she gets someone else and the Status Quo is restored.
Don't you know anyone that you can suggest to her.lol
Keep you nerve!!!

@holeinmyheart

Don't you know anyone that you can suggest to her.lol

Ha ha good one! 😆

I actually feel a ton better since I’ve written this down. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m really trying to be charitable with my thoughts but it’s not always easy to be pragmatic. I’m finding the damsel in distress act with the favours annoying, as my exDH was absolutely a white knight type who went headlong into a few situations / emotional affairs / possibly physical affairs from enjoying feeling like the rescuer. I guess it’s triggering old insecurities. Must remind self that bf is a different person, and appears to have good boundaries (will say no if he can’t / doesn’t want to / is not convenient to help etc). It’s my issue. I’d just love her to bugger off and stop stamping all over my honeymoon period Ah well, que sera I suppose!

sharper91 yeah it feels a little bit dangerous. I’m sorry your relationship broke down because of it

The other thing is that drop dead gorgeous just doesn't cut it in a situation like this. Much more of an issue in the early stages but once you know someone well the looks either tend to fade or improve depending on the whole package.

I don’t feel threatened by her appearance. I’ve got my own stuff going for me and he couldn’t be clearer that he thinks I’m hot as hell (I’m not really - he’s quite deluded). It’s just - you know what it’s like - if you feel a little threatened it doesn’t bloody help that you’re staring right at a Disney princess when you’re schlepping about in broken boots and an army jacket twiddling your eyebrow piercing and besides - my knees are unmatched in their perfection. There’s just no competition!

I've been there and still go through this all the time with dh and his ex. He never married her but they have one dc. I also wish she would just fuck off. She calls dh still by a nickname she had for him. Sends him xxx messages when she's drunk. And will do her best to make things hard for us. Like changing who drops off/picks up dc and the times. Will moan if the child has had their tea/hasn't had their tea. Had a bath, hasn't had a bath. It doesn't matter what we do, it will be wrong. She even tried to stop dc coming to it wedding lol.

I cannot stand the woman. And I know she doesn't like me either. We are civil but it's all fake. She's extremely bitter towards us. I do tell dh how I feel though, there's no point in my holding my thoughts in. He knows she makes me extremely angry/insecure at times but dh is amazing when I'm having a wobble. There's nothing for me to worry about. And I also think there's nothing for you to worry about either to be honest.

I'm currently pregnant with our first child together......she's gonna hate that when she finds out lol

It sounds tricky but at the end of the day, she’s the Mother to his children. I think you’ll just have stop wishing she’d fuck off and just get on with it or part. It’s only been a few months and all seems great so far?

He sounds like a nice guy and like you say IF he were to go back (doesn’t sound like he will) then there is not a lot you can do about it. However harbouring a resentment towards the mother of his children, may soon see him off anyway, even if you try not to let is show. Don’t be that person. Just take it for what it is right now and don’t start wishing she’d disappear. She won’t and it will start to show that’s how you feel.

Oh god no - by ‘fuck off’ I just mean a metaphorical fuck off and stop playing silly buggers. I happen to really like her as a person I’ve babysat her kids a couple of times and we’ve been at several gatherings and functions together. sorry, I think I was a bit woolly with my wording there. As I said, we’ve both got pretty good relationships with our ex’s and manage to co-parent really well. I’d actually be more weary if they didn’t get on. Because, come on, how often is the crazy ex story trotted out by men (although obviously there probably are some knocking around). It’s more that I’m frustrated by suddenly now, after several years of him being single, pick her moment to try to rekindle things. I’m not giving it any more though to be honest. It’s been really cathartic having a vent, because I’d never ever say any of this aloud to anyone IRL. I’m honest with bf and have almost defended her a few time (‘she’s having a tough time’ etcetc.). But y’know. I’m human.

Well galaxy with your hotness, perfect boobs and GSH I don't think there is much of a contest, only with the OTHER you
That 'you' that nags and brings you down, with miserable insecure thoughts. But you know what...you die if you worry and you die if you don't worry....so stop it.
Enjoy what you have. It sounds as though you are wearing him out in the Action' department anyway. He can't have much energy left,can he?

I love the way you articulate how you feel about this difficult situation that many people are going through right now. Whatever the outcome...you sound a real sassy woman and I wish you every happiness you sound as though you def deserve it...