New bf ex wife - help me hold my nerve

[galaxysong]

Namechanged. I started dating a guy in the summer, and I can honestly say I feel like I’ve won the lottery he’s divine. Handsome, kind, funny, clever, really super manly but really sensitive too, treats me so well, just...all the good things.

We’re both divorced with DC. Both get on with ex’s well enough to coparent well and to remain friendly (pop in for coffee on hand overs etc). We also, by some twist of fate, are acquainted with each other’s ex’s from other situations. What are the chances?! and all is civil etc.

BF’s ex, however, has recently gone through a breakup with her new DH. However, she now seems to be ‘making a play’ for BF. Suddenly needing his involvement in her life a lot more, asking for favours, sending texts reminiscing about their past together etc. BF has been quite open with me about it, he is, by nature, an open book, and the subject of our past relationships has never been taboo. We both vent on occasion when co-parenting or our ex’s are being difficult etc. So in a way it’s great that he’s being honest and has shown me the odd text and how he’s responded (which has been immaculate - gentlemanly but clear that he’s drawn a line and doesn’t engage with it).

But it’s making me a bit nervy. I’d never, not in a million years, show any hint of jealousy or insecurity (it’s just my way). Realistically - if he’s going to go back, he’ll go back and there’s fuck all I can do about it. It doesn’t help that she’s really classically beautiful, graceful, charming** and I’m a sort of awkward alternative type (although he seems to like me a LOT ) but it does play on my insecurities I guess. They have a shared history. DC. I just wish she’d fuck off I feel like I’m having to hold my nerve and not give it too much thought - but it’s difficult as I’ve really fallen for this bloke. It’s so perfect, I’m convinced the universe is going to whip the rug out from under me at any moment. Any advice? How do I manage my feelings on this one?

Sometimes when things are over they're just over.

I meant their marriage.

We all know ultimately this stuff isn't about disney princess looks vs great boobs. If he wanted to be with her, he would. Just make hay while the sun shines and be grateful for a man who's a good dad and a great example of respecting his kid's mum. It takes a strong woman to not be threatened by that - keep on being that strong woman you're portraying.

galaxysong you sound lovely and to be honest I'm in a similar situation, dating someone who is such a gentleman too. He has a lot of women in his life still, exes/girls who are friends, who sort of use him as their pseudo husband as they're single/he's been single a while. So he'll go over to fix things for them, spend time with them etc. and it's not that nice. But I have finally got up the courage to just tell him it's a bit crappy for me, so now he's aware hopefully he'll make sure I don't feel insecure about it. He's also very honest like your man, and will literally tell me anything, even if I don't really want to hear it lol.

I know you may not want to, but I think the best thing anyone can ever do if they feel insecure is talk about things. Honestly, he clearly cares about you and if he knows how you feel it might make him aware if she pushes for him to do more things. There is nothing worse than bottling up feelings. I have a feeling this woman will push for more and more now, and he will end up going around there and spending more time at hers.

If you really don't feel like talking about it, then just keep an eye on the situation. I'd really hate the reminiscing part though, that's basically her contacting him to tell him how great they had it and reminding him in the hope he'll reminisce with her.

The fact he is so open with you shows you have nothing to worry about.
Dont worry hopefully she will find someone else soon.

Don’t go too cold in an attempt to be all cool and not clingy!

You don’t want to help push him into her warm welcoming bosom by being all cool and slippery! You need some velcro in you too :)

Hmmm maybe he doesn’t want a cold helpless Disney princess with two ex DHs, he wants a hot to rock chick with her life sorted who he can have hot fun with. Don’t get clingy. Don’t get hung up on it. Be fun and feel sorry for her. That neediness is so not attractive

I personally dont think its needy. Ex's you successfully co-parent with are family, for life. To call someone needy is just being bitchy. A secure woman would never feel the need to be horrible about another woman like that.

Thanks for the replies and advice. I don’t think ill of this woman. But I do think she’s blurring boundaries by leaning on bf too much for support since the breakdown of her 2nd marriage. Suddenly she has 4DC without the support of a partner. I get that bf may need to up the support given with his own DC and I in no way have any issue with this - if he needs to do more running around with lifts for school or activities or whatever else - yes, he should absolutely do this.

I’m not behaving any differently, neither being too cool or clingy. Just going to have to let it play out. She’s always going to be a big part of his life, As long as I feel that he’s in a committed relationship with me then all’s cool - she can reminisce/ask/do whatever she wants. However, if I feel he’s engaging too much in the blurring of the boundaries beyond coparenting and a healthy level of friendship then I’ll have to rethink.

The person she really needs help from is her more recent ex. He's the father of her younger kids.