Everything gone to pot.... again 😩

[SS2018]

Hi guys

Put a post up only a couple weeks ago it seems to say how much my situation had changed and how positive I felt about everything.

But I’m now having a complete and utter meltdown and self confidence crisis. Although nothing bad has actually happened I’ve convinced myself That that lovely guy I met has gone off me and that it is only a matter of time before I get the “I bumped into my ex or I just don’t have time message”.

I just can’t seem to handle my thoughts and feelings and am thinking that he doesn’t deserve to be put through this so maybe I should just get in there first and put myself out of my misery and the unknown and call it quits.

He’s just said a couple comments that have thrown me into this meltdown about how we are “casual” and that he may “never meet my mum” something which came to a bit of a shock as on our first date he was going onabout how well me and his mum would get on.

I just can’t deal with this, I don’t know what to do, what to say, what not to do and say. My anxiety is through the roof again and I’ve been in tears most of the evening for seemingly no reason.

If he found out about how unstable I am he wouldn’t blame him to run for the hills, it’s not fair to put this on anyone.

I thought I was getting better my medication had calmed me down and made my anxiety take a back seat but now I seem 1000% worse today over absolutely nothing and I know it’s nothojg but I just can’t seem to get a grip.

Anyway it’s his birthday in a couple weeks and I’ve messaged him suggesting a trip to top golf with a couple of his mates so depending on the response I get I guess will make my either feel like more of an idiot that I do already or confirm my that rather irrational gut instinct wasright and I have in fact put him off for whatever reason.

Literally don’t know how I’ve allowed myself get like this I’m so embarrassed that I can’t seem to let go of my past experiences and be happy and just not be so incredibly sensitive to one stupid word and remark!

Please can someone just shake some sense into me. 😩

@SS2018

How long have you two been together?

You’re going to laugh at me but we’ve been dating probably 2months If that. He’s friends of a friend of mine and from the word go we have got on incredibly well which is why I would be so gutted if I had messed it up.

He actually hasn’t done anything, nothing at all, this is all me and my insecurities and god damn mental state.

I never used to be like this I don’t know who I am anymore.

I’ve been single for the last 2 years, dated a couple guys but nothing serious partly because I didn’t feel they were right for me and then I met this one and I’m loosing my head.

Ending anything before it’s even had a chance to be be anything but I just don’t thjnk I can cope with being casual or in a relationship with someone.

I think I am just better off on my own.

You don't sound stable enough to have a full on relationship in case it fails. Step back and enjoy the good bits.
And love yourself!

I don’t feel stable enough for anything right now 😩 I feel sorry for anyone who has the misfortune of listening to me.

So from what I'm hearing, you're reliant on medication only is that right? If so, do you think you might benefit from resources/strategies to work in tandem with your medication?

Also, you say you thought you were more positive. Do you think you were buoyed up by the attention of your new love interest and therefore maybe you are over investing in said relationship?

Are you working with a therapist for anxiety? Also, find some breathing / relaxation techniques to help you feel more balanced.

Breathe deeply and good luck.

I feel sorry for anyone who has the misfortune of listening to me.

A lot of us are listening in from all corners of the world. Take one step at a time. Suggest another activity if you're not successful with the golf trip suggestion (for the birthday).

Yeah I’m only on serotonin tablets, my financial situation doesn’t allow me to have the luxury of a therapist but I’ve got some lovely friends who do listen but it’s like it goes in one ear and out the other and although i know what they are saying is right I just don’t seem to be able to act on that advice or really believe that what they say about me is true if it’s conplimentary or supportive.

I think although meeting this guy definitely lifted my spirits I can’t allow myself to rely on someone to make me happy because then if he has an off day then I’m in senarioes like this where I send myself demented.

And as much as the situation and position I am in looks fine and dandy my head it telling me something is going to happen I’m convinced it will because he’s too lovely to have to deal with this from me... even though nothing has actually happened for me to think like that or for him to act like that.

Even as I write this out it sounds so crazy, but it’s like I can’t control it, these anxious and worried emotions have taken over my rational emotions and I feel like I’m floating and not really present.

My gosh I sound unhinged.

Are you in the uk? You can seek therapy through your gp or we now have it online in our area too.
It may be (or not be!) that it’s not time for a relationship until you feel you are dealing with your anxiety but hopefully with help you’ll be better equipped to handle things x

You don't sound unhinged at all, believe me and there is no need to be embarrassed ! Many of us feel like this at times - we all react to what someone says or do - we do it every day , all the time ! We overthink these situations ! You really cannot control what is going on with someone else or what they are thinking . All you can do is how you react to what they say or do . I would suggest that you try to take a step back and just go with the flow . Try to keep busy with other things and put a limit on yourself about thinking about these comments . He probably won't even remember saying them ! Yes we all should seek to be happy within ourself but it is a rare person that is not affected by external things . If he says no to the golf trip then accept that and plan something less elaborate ? It was a generous honest offer . Go out for a walk - yes, your mind will go over it all but at least you are getting fresh air and it might settle . Walking is my therapy .

Hi. I just wanted to offer my support as I'm going through the same sort of thing where I feel like I'm just waiting to be dumped. I suffer from terrible anxiety too, you are not alone. I'm not sure about you but I tend to be very reactive and so often act on stronf emotions straight away. The best piece of advice I've been given is walk away from the moment when you're feeling like that. Tell yourself you will deal with it but not until the next day, I often have clearer thoughts in the morning and it has stopped me doing anything rash. It is like an emotional roller-coaster though and I'm still struggling.
Here to talk though if you need to

Offering support here too. In the last few years I've had bad anxiety and needed medication to control it. I am loads better now but it has taken a couple of years with regular panicky episodes like you are describing.

For me it coincided with the end of my marriage, if you can identify trigger causes you can learn to deal with them.

I still struggle with some stuff but it does get better.

@SS2018
Go to your GP and ask for CBT.

And btw you're not unhinged, half the UK suffer from Anxiety/mental health issues (unsubstantiated statement) so you're certainly not alone!

Have you looked at the link between gut Microbiota/Anxiety? Lots of research in this area now and diet might play a part in Anxiety (and shit Microbiota from ya mother!).

Here:

Hi thank you all for your support.

I know the trigger, 2 years to the day I ended a 6 year relationship to a man that made me feel so unwanted and unloved, he would go out without me when all the other WAGS were invited, he would take this to the extreme and go on a couples holiday.... on his own, I was the last person he though of unless I could give him something he wanted. He would call me to the airport at silly times to collect only for someone else to take him home and not tell me, ohhhh the list goes on and on. It was blatantly crystal clear how little respect he had for me and the last xmas we had together he turned round and said “ I can’t imagine marrying you anymore”..... right, ok.

Fast forward 6 months and be was engaged to an American he’d met through one of his mates who is married to the sister.

I’m not on social media anymore but all the places I wanted to go to with him “where not his thing” and yet he now has literally ticked off my bucket list and he would then splash them all over for everyone to see how happy and how great his life was and is.

While I’m stuck in a black hole having panic attacks not being able to leave the house because I’ve allowed someone to take every ounce of self esteem and confidence from under me. I used to be a strong independent person, maybe still sensitive but I wasn’t anywhere near as weak as I am now.

I avoid places I think he may be and if anyone else that’s connected to him may be. I hardly go out, I’m constantly worried about being liked and Invited and saying the wrong thing or too much.

I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of stuff I should have done during my 20s and my 30th is now approaching and everyone around me is moving on with their lives...

And then I met this guy and my head situation has gone into over drive because I am so petrified in messing it up I don’t know how to act or what to say or if I say to much or the wrong thing, and then I worry why he has messaged me?maybe it’s because he’s gone off me because I’ve done something he doesn’t like.... but I haven’t apoken to him so how could I have done but then why haven’t I spoke to him!!?!? Arrrgggghhhh

He doesn’t need to deal with this from me, he’s such lovely person but there is no way I can tell him what’s going on in my head at the early stage because it would defo for sure scare him away, and I wouldn’t blame him for running. If I could run I would.

@SS2018

Have you looked at the vid?

Yes thank you, it’s so interesting how food ans drink can affect how thoughts and behaviour....

I probably should add that everytime I do go out, not that it’s often and more recently I’ve not been able to control the amount I drink so end up going of the scale.

I went out for dinner with my friend on Friday and have been hating myself ever since. I need to stop this distructive behaviour because I am ruining everything.

You berate yourself an awful lot?

Get NHS CBT and go from there. You can do this you know. I knew someone who sounded like you plus they self harmed and had social anxiety and after CBT went on to university and got an amazing job too! Honestly I'm not bs you you can do it!

Thank you I’ll go back to my doctor and see if I can get referred.

I guess it’s just easier if I put myself down because then I won’t disappoint.

I don’t know, I don’t know how I’ve got where I am now. 🤷‍♀️

@SS2018

Yes I understand your rationale but if you keep thinking it, you believe it more. How about changing the narrative slightly. So when you do your usual negative comment whatever that is eg 'oh god I sound unhinged😢' then say out loud 'yes I think that but I'm going to make steps to change that!' Cause you are! Keep going and don't listen to the script in your head because it simply isn't true. It's bs cause that's the negative you talking. 😊

If you've not done so already, block your ex on Facebook and all other social media. Comparing your life to his is not going to help. Besides, what people present online is rarely a true reflection of reality. Sounds to me like you need to start with self esteem. Your ex was horrible to you, I wonder if you stayed with him because you don't realise that you deserve better? And you do deserve better. There are people who like you for you and those are the ones worth sticking with. If you don't learn to accept and love yourself, you'll never believe that others can and this anxiety will be very difficult to shake. Google self esteem building, learn to like yourself. Also, you don't need to arrange anything for his birthday, it'll just add to your stress. If he doesn't want to golf, simply ask him what he'd like to do/plans to do. Then do that.

Oh yes the ex was blocked years ago. I no longer hang out with people who inform me what he’s up to and I’ve made as many changes as I can so I don’t come into contact with him again.

But the damage is done and I’m now ruining myself by overthinking and being a complete werido.

The guy was just online now and didn’t reply so I guess there’s my answer... gutted.

Not one to chase so I’ll leave it now, if he contacts me then great if not then I’m not surprised.... I wouldn’t want to contact me either.

I think if someone has fucked with your head you can start to believe your not worth anything. They proved it (in your head)
You’ve got to try and get some talking therapy.
You are worth more, and if you’re self sabotaging then you won’t be able to meet the person that meets your needs.
Because even subconsciously you’ll be giving off the vibe that you don’t think your worth it.

This new man is not the problem, it’s a red herring. You need to work on yourself which is hard.

ThAnk you guys for the support.

I know all these things you saying already but that’s my issue the negative thoughts overtake my rational thinking...

I don’t blame the guy for running for the hills, although nothing has actually happened to warrant me being ghosted I just guess he wasn’t that into me even though he has the chat to make you think otherwise.

Oh well never mind.

@SS2018

Just a thought. Instead of concentrating on the anxiety and negative, how about you cultivate an 'attitude of gratitude' instead? I started doing this years ago and it does help. I think it re-wires the brain? So basically you're not ignoring your anxiety or your negative thoughts, moreover you're introducing more positive thoughts?

Here:

http://www.the-benefits-of-positive-thinking.com/attitude-of-gratitude.html

So for you say, on your list might be:

I'm grateful I have water in my taps, some people have to walk miles

I'm grateful I have a home, some people are homeless on the streets.

I'm grateful I have heating and electricity, some people live such a basic life they have neither and it must be hard.

So you see start simple and find new ones every day.