Everything gone to pot.... again 😩

[SS2018]

Hi guys

Put a post up only a couple weeks ago it seems to say how much my situation had changed and how positive I felt about everything.

But I’m now having a complete and utter meltdown and self confidence crisis. Although nothing bad has actually happened I’ve convinced myself That that lovely guy I met has gone off me and that it is only a matter of time before I get the “I bumped into my ex or I just don’t have time message”.

I just can’t seem to handle my thoughts and feelings and am thinking that he doesn’t deserve to be put through this so maybe I should just get in there first and put myself out of my misery and the unknown and call it quits.

He’s just said a couple comments that have thrown me into this meltdown about how we are “casual” and that he may “never meet my mum” something which came to a bit of a shock as on our first date he was going onabout how well me and his mum would get on.

I just can’t deal with this, I don’t know what to do, what to say, what not to do and say. My anxiety is through the roof again and I’ve been in tears most of the evening for seemingly no reason.

If he found out about how unstable I am he wouldn’t blame him to run for the hills, it’s not fair to put this on anyone.

I thought I was getting better my medication had calmed me down and made my anxiety take a back seat but now I seem 1000% worse today over absolutely nothing and I know it’s nothojg but I just can’t seem to get a grip.

Anyway it’s his birthday in a couple weeks and I’ve messaged him suggesting a trip to top golf with a couple of his mates so depending on the response I get I guess will make my either feel like more of an idiot that I do already or confirm my that rather irrational gut instinct wasright and I have in fact put him off for whatever reason.

Literally don’t know how I’ve allowed myself get like this I’m so embarrassed that I can’t seem to let go of my past experiences and be happy and just not be so incredibly sensitive to one stupid word and remark!

Please can someone just shake some sense into me. 😩

@SS2018

Why don't you use this thread as your gratitude journal? Let us know 3 things (or more!) you're grateful for every day? Share with us?!

I'll start:

I'm grateful for my kids. They are my anchor right now and no matter what shit I'm going through, they keep me going 😊

I’m grateful for being surrounded by good friends & family who listen

I’m grateful for having the life I do

I’m grateful for my health and being able to walk out my front door

Not sure these are really good enough but it’s a lot harder than you think.

How often do you text each other? Does he usually respond right away? He may msg you today about it?

What the other posters advise about cbt sounds pretty good advice. There's also an audio I listened to recently about how to worry less, it was really good. It's called "the worry trick"

Hope it all works out for you op

I don't have much to add, but I know how you are feeling that gratitude list is lovely and is more than good enough.

I was in your position OP. Dating a guy for two months and I ended it twice in that short space of time due to my anxiety over comments he innocently made. I really thought I'd blown it but I liked him so much that I couldn't leave it there. So, I sent him a 'how are you getting on' msg to which he responded. I ended up telling him about my anxiety. He was lovely about it. We decided to try again and all is good so far. Just being aware of my anxiety and stopping to 'think' helps rather than just responding off the top of my head.
I hope your fella gets in touch with you again. x

Hey OP. I came onto the relationships board because I had a terrible episode of this recently. Weird to hear you echoing my own feelings

I reallly liked the tip upthread about not reaponding immediately with strong instinctive emotions, but hanging on for a day.

I have started speaking to a man from OND and he seems really normal and nice. I find I am interpreting his messages in the context of all my bad experiences with men and negativity and am panicking it wont work out cos I want it to. Reality is , he is a random guy, a stranger, and I am expecting too much from him. Its so hard to break out of habits. I actually stopped OLD for a while but I am lonely signed up again.

I dont know what the answer is but its really getting me down.

How do you increase self esteem? Are there any tactics that actually work. I find in THEORY i can see how everything is clear and what is the correct reaction but in reality I just panic and feel sad.

Sorry thread hi-jack.

Hope it works OP . Fake it till you make it - act and be cool. He will not have messages cos he was busy, thats all, a million diffetent things. Take what he says at face value or you will drive yourself insane. Dont make any assumptions. Just believe what he says. Any other way lies headfuckery.

We message Pretty much everyday with almost immediate replies, this is very unlike him. a mutual friend of ours who set us up has just told me he went out on a bender sat eve with the evidence on snapchat so maybe I’ll hear from him today but I don’t expect to, we’ve both been online at the same time so surely a message back to say no sorry wouldn’t be the hardest thing.

It just gets me how people can spin you I’ve got morals, when you meet my mum and we get on so well and you’ll prob get sick of my banter (all things he said) and then just poof,gone without so much as a see ya... morally surely you would just make some lame excuse and leave it at that.

Maybe my meaning of morals is different to his... 🤷‍♀️

If he isn't seeing you on the weekend and goes out getting wasted on a Saturday night & doesn't text you the next day then that guy doesn't really deserve your interest. Its not you , it's him. Xx

I think I remember your last post OP. Honestly, I feel like you need to focus on your right now not a relationship.

CBT is great so approach your NHS regarding it ASAP (although expect a massive wait, it’s about 9 months in some areas. I gave up trying to access it in my area). You need to do some self healing and get yourself back on track.

Look at how you eat and your activity levels, exercise does wonders for your anxiety and mental health. Even a 30minute wall will help.

I posted this the last time but look at guided mediation and mindfulness. There is actual science (which I won’t do justice in explaining) behind it but it really can work miracles (it did with me anyway, I’ve gone from not being able to leave my house and having massive work performance anxiety to being handed a project to work on in Berlin in 3 months!)

Focus on your and how you’re feeling, you don’t need the extra worry of how someone else is feeling

Yeah I know, but then I don’t know what I expect it is just casual and I went out Friday and didn’t message him so i can’t expect any different can I...

I exercise 2/3 a week and try and eat relatively healthy but I don’t have a massive appeitite so struggle with food.

I’m going to book an appoitment today for a medication review and speak to them about cbt.

Hi OP I just wanted to send you some sympathy. I've been going through something similar in the last couple of weeks and it has completely messed with my head.
It caused me physical pain to the point where I couldn't eat or go to work. Pretty ridiculous but that's how my brain is wired at the moment: I need to change that.
I'm in a 12 step programme and my lovely sponsor has offered to take me through the steps again focusing on relationships. I think it will help.
If you are interested there is a fellowship called SLAA which has meetings all over the place and which you might find helpful. I'm going to go to a couple as well to see what it's like.
I hope things get better for you.

Op

Do not I repeat do not allow that a hole ex of yours to influence your life for a minute longer!

What you need to do is look in the mirror and declare that today is the day that it’s all going to change.

You do not need a man to define you, you do not need a man to make yourself feel good. You do not need a man to boost your self worth. Why because you are worth it. You are a strong independent woman and you are going to achieve everything on your bucket list on your own or with someone else! Friends or a partner! It doesn’t matter which.

Pick your self respect up of the floor and never let your standards drop.

To hell with this desperation. If it doesn’t happen with this one then it will happen with someone else.

Once you have done all the things on your bucket list please do make sure your nasty ex knows about it. Hell even do something from his bucket list too just to piss him off!

Thank you so much honestly it does mean so much your words of kindness.

I’ve just been brought up to think that it’s nice to be nice and treat others how you would want to be treated and although people appear to agree with you they don’t always live up to the mark.

It’s just so disappointing when you want to see the good in people and they let you down.

Ghosting is an incredibly rude and harmful behaviour, I find it terrifying that it’s become the norm now.

But, in this case, I think it’s a blessing in (very heavy!) disguise! You cannot have a good relationship feeling like this, so any attempt will be a drain on your emotional and mental resources, just when you need to be concentrating on healing and changing your mental state.

It will take effort and also some determination to change the negative thought patterns your brains has got used to channeling, and I don’t think it’s something you can do on your own.

But, it’s something that will transform your happiness and wellbeing if you can go through with it. You are worth it.

@SS2018

Try and break it down a bit more:

I’m grateful for being surrounded by good friends & family who listen

Name your friend/family members (not on mn) and think about what each of these people bring to your life?

I’m grateful for having the life I do

What sort of life do you have? What are the good parts?

I’m grateful for my health and being able to walk out my front door

Think about what your life would be like if you were incapacitated and you couldn't just walk out of your front door but don't dwell on this! Quickly switch to being well!

Not sure these are really good enough but it’s a lot harder than you think.

Yes these are very good but maybe go more in to detail? I think it is hard because we don't focus on what we have, we tend to focus on what we haven't got?

I’m grateful for my health and being able to walk out my front door

Not sure these are really good enough but it’s a lot harder than you think.

Ha ha I posted without deleting the finished article! You get the picture!

Thank you again, I did find it quite difficult because as you say we tend to focus on what we don’t have rather than what we do.

I blame social media!!! I’ve managed 18months with out Facebook and all of jan without Instagram, can’t say I’ve missed them much!

Still no sound from the guy but I usually get a phone call when he finishes work so I’ll defo know I’ve been ghosted for sure in about an hour 😂.

Pfffttt morals my a*e

Update on current situations, I know before I start this what the majority of opinions will be but in my heart of hearts I know this guy is genuine and what he is saying is the truth.

Whether it works out or not is yet to be seen but I’m feeling positive about it all, much better than I was last week.

So basically said guy phoned me and explained that although he thinks I’m great blah blah blah he found himself not being able to think about anything else at work other than me and it was stopping him from getting done what he needed to do... as I write this it sounds Mad but he is really busy running own company and managing 10 lads on his own and coming from a very business minded family I understand yhat you can’t havr any distractions given how hard it is these days to make a decent living.

Anyeag didn’t speak to him until yesterday when I asked if he could pick up his stuff that he’d left at mine. I made sure I looked HOT, leather trousers shear top... the lot 🙈 well anyway I was going out for dinner after so wasnt just for his benefit.

He didn’t even close the door when he asked me “what had happened between us?” And I basically told him about my freak out I had and how relationship wise th last 5 years have been quite tough... hence the anxiety.

He went on to say that he felt him self get so close to me so quick he spooked himself and he just got cold feet, he said he has been waiting and wishing for a girl like me for such a long time when I did come crashing into his life it has been a lot to process with his business needing his full attention, just moving House and a huge tax bill he’s just received so right now he feels he can’t give me the time I deserve and I am assuming that in the past his gfs have nagged him about the lack of time he has. So again I understand where he’s coming from.

It all got very emotional, but I think I held my own, we had a very lovely kiss and cuddle goodbye and he asked if he could stay in contact... I of course said yes and in the past if I’ve ever broken up with someone they have never looked back and I know it may not mean anything to anyone else but he turned around and just looked absolutely deverstated to be leaving.

I’m going to give myself a couple months to get my confidence up, stay away from men and hopefully in the mean time he’ll come back and we can start again when we have both got our heads straight.

It all feels a bit movie like but this guy is honestly amazing and when I met him and even now I can’t belive my luck, I knew it was too good to be true but I guess nothing worth having comes easy. If it’s mesnt to be it will be but in the mean time I’m going to focus on me.

Thank you for all your advice and support it’s so lovely to know that there is someone out there to listen and moan to when you feel at a dead end.

I know not everyone will agree with what I’m doing but you very rarely meet someone who makes you realise why it never worked with anyone else and Untill that door is completely closed I’m keeping my foot wrll and truely lodged.

Wish me luck for the next 8 weeks! Xxx