I don't know what I feel about this - please advise me!

[dontknowwhattodonow111]

First time poster - hope you can give me some advice.

Nearly 2 years out of a long marriage to a lying/cheating/narc. I'm mid to late 40's (relevant). Have had a few dates over last 12 months but hadn't met anyone I felt like i could develop a proper relationship with again until 3 months ago.

Started chatting to a guy who said he was 6 years older than me. It's often difficult to say how old men are so I thought he looked a bit older but took it on good faith.

We chatted a lot, seem to have lots in common, got on well but I'm wary after narc ex and love bombing when we first met.

I had a couple of times recently thought that he might be a bit older because of other facts.

He's admitted tonight he's 14 years older than me so 7 years more than he'd told me. Told me he knew he should have told me sooner but was falling for me, was scared that I might tell him to leave etc etc.

I have reasons for being strongly against large age gap relationships. More than this though, having been in a relationship with someone who I now know constantly lied to me I have a real need for honesty.

Don't know whether I can get past this dishonesty. Don't know whether I want to as age difference starts to make a big impact with ill health in later life, etc.

What do I do?

That would be a big red flag for me - I'd be thinking what else has he lied about?

I think you know. To start a relationship with a lie cannot be a good thing. I'd head for the hills if I were you xx

He lied because he wants a younger woman. He wouldn't tolerate the idea of a woman his own age, let alone older than him....yet here he is, using a bit of emotional blackmail to try to persuade you to stay with him despite his greater age.

Bollocks to that.

I couldn't tolerate the fact he started the relationship in a lie and kept it up for so long. The lie would bother me more than the age gap. It would be a no from me.

My ex did that. He was drunk and told ne he was 36. He was really 42. He told me on the second date. I did forgive him.

He is an ex now not for lying but for being lazy father.

My dad lied to my mum about his age when they first started dating. He was only 5 years older than her (she was mid to late 20s, him early 30s so totally normal age gap). It really should have been a red flag. Though I’m glad obviously they got married and had me, he was self centred and insecure and likely a bit of a narc. The world revolved around him and he was oblivious I think to how little lies like that would hurt someone else. I think for me yes, it would be a dealbreaker unfortunately. It’s not normal behaviour.

Get rid. You don't need this in your life now. Someone else will come along OP. Onwards and Upwards! 👍

Nope that’s not on. Liars are liars about all kinds of things.

Better to be an old mans darling than a young mans slave

NewYear that's exactly it, if he had admitted it after a few dates then I would have probably understood but it's the fact that he's waited until now to admit it. Honesty is of absolute importance to me after what I've been through in the past.

I've introduced him to my kids in the last couple of weeks!

I wouldn't want him due to the lies about his age but why introduce your kids after 2.5 months?

Yep. He did it on purpose to get himself a younger woman as he knew the truth would more than likely have meant you wouldn’t have been interested. Now he’s reeled you in emotionally he’s hoping the age gap won’t matter

Honesty is of absolute importance to me after what I've been through in the past

You've answered your own question there. Agree with Atrocious that it's because he won't consider women of his own age, that alone would put me off.

For goodness sake, it's not the end of the world. How has your relationship been otherwise? Are you happy? Does the bigger age difference make a big difference to you? Woukd you have dated him if you had know how old he really was?

ijustwant our relationship had actually seemed to been very good, he has been kind and caring, put himself out to see me, we seemed to have lots in common etc. But having been conned by one man into believing that he was a nice guy I know that it is possible to be manipulated. I'm really unhappy about him having lied for so long and for the fact that he has admitted that he did so because he knew women my age aren't interested in guys his age!

Wonderwhippet my kids aren't babies. Mid teens and mid twenties!

To be honest I wouldn't have dated him in the first place if I'd known his true age. I didn't want a relationship with someone much older than me (nor much younger) as I feel that you miss a lot of common ground with someone with a large age gap.

Now I know I really feel it's the lying about it that makes me so unhappy. He was taking that decision out of my hands hoping that I would accept it once we had become closer. Perhaps understandable but I've been suckered into being the kind caring understanding forgiving person before!

@dontknowwhattodonow111

We're not fools anymore are we! Nah, we're too old for this shit! NEXT!

dontknow - a difficult one. If everything else is ok I'd say just go with it. There is no guarantee that being older means his health will deteriorate before yours. (I don't mean that in a scary way). I now only date 5 yrs younger or older personally. I've had 2 ex's in the dim and distant past that were 10 yrs older and age was nothing to do with why we split. Because you have been hurt in the past doesn't mean you have to take it out on him. Does he know how much it has upset you?

Fair enough. Thanks for clarifying.

I’m not sure I understand your hesitation. All your post seem pretty certain that lying and the age gap are a no go for you. Completely understandable.

He conned you! He's a con artist. A swindler, a trickster. Really OP, you can do better than this.

I’m older than you and I wouldn’t date someone fourteen yours older. He’d be one foot into the grave!

I'd end it. He's a liar and set out to deceive you.

A lot of men on dating sites seem to lie about their age. It's disheartening.

I am 11 yrs into a relationship with someone who lied about their age initially. We're are now very happily married and have a great relationship.
It was just insecurity and fear that led them to lie. He's owned up and told you the truth so if everything else is good in your relationship I would just move forward. He's just a human being - we all do silly things - seriously I would let it go.