Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want him but I’ve messed it up!

26 replies

Lexi123 · 27/01/2018 20:55

Hi, I’m so confused and would appreciate some advice. I separated from my husband 2 years ago but we are still in contact because we have children. After we parted he discovered his social life again and I met a lovely man who was the opposite of my husband. Our feelings developed really quickly, just seemed to have a connection and he made me really happy. My ex made a few digs about how my boyfriend looked ( he isn’t classically handsome) but my husband is. I didn’t rise to any of this as looks really aren’t important to me if I feel deeper for the person. The problem is I started to feel guilty about spending time with my boyfriend and tortured myself about it as it was my decision to leave my marriage. I started thinking that I was out of order on the kids,although they get on with my boyfriend very well. My husband is well known in our hometown and I suspect he told people I left him for bf although that is not true. I started to make excuses not to be seen with him in public for fear of what other people thought. My bf is a lovely man who thinks the world of me, I’m also prone to feeling anxious yet when I’m with him I feel calm. ( my husband always got annoyed when I felt anxious) Unfortunately, I told him it was over and he is heartbroken and I’m really unhappy. I want to be with him but feel people are judging me. I’m 42 years old and so bloody angry that I care what people think at the risk of my own happiness. My kids are my priority but I do feel like I deserve happiness too. I know if I get back with my bf it will just cause grief with my husband as deep down I think he is hoping for another chance but I can’t go back. Please tell me straight - what would you do?

OP posts:
leftwiththedognow · 27/01/2018 20:58

Tell this exactly to your bf (leaving out the handsome/not handsome bit, obviously)
You clearly care a lot about each other.

laura65988 · 07/02/2018 08:01

Why are u listening to ure ex and worried what others are thinking and saying uve just threw away a great relationship for nothing and broke the guys heart

ShatnersWig · 07/02/2018 08:15

I think you should leave the lovely ex boyfriend alone, actually. If you get back with him, at the back of his head he'll wonder if you'll do it again. And, sorry to say, I think you probably would, because you seem to be more concerned about the grief from your ex husband and the judgement of others than your own feelings and those of your lovely ex boyfriend.

It sounds to me as if you need to do a bit more work on yourself and confidence and self esteem before you date again.

HisBetterHalf · 07/02/2018 08:57

Life is too short to worry about what people (who dont matter) think

Peanutbuttercheese · 07/02/2018 09:03

I'm very much an ex is an ex for a reason so I have never taken in to consideration anything at all an ex has said or done post break up. Unless it's to do with your dc and their safety your life has nothing and I mean nothing to do with your ex.

Do you live in an especially gossipy small minded place where everyone knows each other's business? I grew up in a place like that.

When your ex was critical of your new bf looks did you say nothing? You need some self esteem and to find your voice, physically and also metaphorically. I think the only person that deserves an explanation is lovely ex bf and then actually it's not up to you if you date him again ever I would say it's up to him. He needs to know he has done nothing wrong at all. I agree with Shatnerswig that you actually need to work on yourself first and not date for a while at all.

Hermonie2016 · 07/02/2018 09:08

It sounds as if you haven't yet grieved for your marriage and still need to process your guilt and sadness.

You still refer to "husband" which suggests you are not divorced yet...Neither am I but he is definitely on my head an ex.

I think neither men are right for you and consider having time alone to build up your sense of self.
You seem too swayed by thoughts and opinions of H, your bf and others so you can't determine what is actually right for you.

Be single, its liberating and enjoyable to discover who you actually are.

Original poster
Lexi123 · 07/02/2018 09:25

Thank you all for your advice. My husband is most definitely an ex and we are planning to start divorce proceedings ASAP. I have no feelings for him but just feel he is trying to sabotage my happiness. I do worry what people think and am aware I need to work on that. Unfortunately,I do live in a place where people tend to poke their nose into people’s business which aggravated me as they don’t always know the whole story. I am trying to rise above it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lexi123 · 07/02/2018 09:26

Aggravates

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 07/02/2018 09:29

Why are you letting your ex control you?

Stop the pattern now.

Do not communicate with your ex about anything other than your children.

Call your bf and explain

ginch · 07/02/2018 09:37

I can't help thinking that looks are more important to you than you realise OP.

Original poster
Lexi123 · 07/02/2018 09:53

Looks are not important to me at all. I would rather be with a man who made me feel good about myself to be honest which my husband never did. It isn’t nice to have horrible comments made to you when you’re trying to move on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lexi123 · 07/02/2018 09:55

My husband also makes comments to the children about how I’ve moved on and laughs at my new relationship as if trying to get them onside, it just feels very stressful because I’m not doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 07/02/2018 09:56

Just go and tell him today, that you are so sorry you have totally messed up. Tell him you love him to bits and want to be with him. Tell him you are sorry you’ve caused him so much pain and you understand if he doesn’t want to go out with you again, but that you hope he does want you.

LizzieSiddal · 07/02/2018 09:57

Could you have some counselling?

You need to stop listening to what your ex says, and stop taking it to heart.

Original poster
Lexi123 · 07/02/2018 10:13

Lizzie, thank you x x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/02/2018 10:17

Sounds like you are the one sabotaging your own self

Hermonie2016 · 07/02/2018 10:28

I would rather be with a man who made me feel good about myself

You need to be in a place where you feel good about yourself intrinsically..not from an external source.
Have you ever been alone? Going quickly from one relationship to another helps to soothe the pain and loss but it doesn't deal with the pain.

I think you made a good decision but the fear of being alone caused you to panic.

mistermagpie · 07/02/2018 10:33

I think you need to unpick in your own mind why you are worried what people think. Is it because bf isn't handsome? Or because people think you were cheating? If it's A then that's incredibly shallow of them and you. If it's B then you know you didn't cheat and so does your ex, so why would anyone else matter? Who are these people anyway? Friends? Family? Randoms?

I left my husband and quite quickly started a new relationship, I was really worried what people would think. The new relationship was with someone I knew already and so I thought people would think I had cheated.

My friend told me to stop worrying - that anyone who cared about me wouldn't think anything bad about me, and why on earth would I worry about the opinion of anyone who doesn't care about me? I think this was good advice. It's also worth remembering that generally, nobody is as interested in what you're doing as they are in their own lives, it might feel like people are thinking about you but they are probably not.

Josuk · 07/02/2018 10:37

OP - sounds like your H got you exactly where he wants to to be.
Feeling guilty and unhappy.
It’s his payback for leaving him.

Don’t let him manipulate your life. And don’t sabotage it yourself.

People will look and judge. This is what people do.
Get some conselling - that may help.
But before that - tell you bf all of this

Original poster
Lexi123 · 07/02/2018 10:42

Yes you’re right. Thank you x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2018 10:46

I have no feelings for him but just feel he is trying to sabotage my happiness
He is indeed.
And YOU are letting him.
You are 42.
You need to stop giving a fuck what other people think.
You get one shot at this life.
Yes ONE!!!!
Do NOT sabotage yourself and your own happiness.

pollythedolly · 07/02/2018 11:00

What other people think about you is none of your business Wink

SandyY2K · 07/02/2018 11:06

Stop letting your Ex and the views of others bother you.

Your husband will soon find someone else and you'll be kicking yourself.

What reason dud you give for ending it with your bf?

Original poster
Lexi123 · 07/02/2018 11:17

I told him I wanted some space just to think about things. We are in touch frequently and I’m hopeful we can get back together.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2018 11:51

What do you need to think about though?
He makes you happy.
He helps you feel calm.
He gets on well with your DC.
He's a lovely man
He thinks the world of you
Most importantly - YOU WANT TO BE WITH HIM
Honestly - this is a no brainer
Don't push him away.

Swipe left for the next trending thread