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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going from bad to worse.Husband spends more time with mates than me.

44 replies

whatisforteamum · 27/01/2018 20:45

I have posted loads about this.The last time dh was drunk on Xmas eve.when I had asked to see him as I was working all hours.As my Dad died recently I was told to do nothing.I thought this was sound advice.Dh got drunk again came home in the early hours having forgotten his keys.I didn't get any sleep as he had said he was on his way at 11.3 am I let him in and he had to spend two days recovering while I worked two 12/ hour days.
I have only seen him three days in two months and I get the eye roll when I do.
We be been together 31/years and my job takes me out of the house a lot.
We live in an expensive area and bought our house through lots of sacrifices. We both earn lowish wages.
I just feel sad that he chooses his mates over me.Discussions end with him saying stop going on.
When I go back to work Monday I will not see him much again.as I work unsociable hours.when I'm here he ignores me or gives me little time.what should I do now ?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 27/01/2018 20:49

You’ve told him how you feel, he doesn’t agree.

Only question now is whether your marriage is acceptable to you as it is or not?

It’s clear he doesn’t want things to change so if it’s not acceptable then your only option is to end it.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 28/01/2018 07:39

I guess.The dcs find it strange.I never considered this would happening do blame myself for working long hours however we do need the money.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/01/2018 07:47

Can you arrange something together when he's not working?

Other than that I can't see what to do...as you've raised the issue.

My response if I was very concerned...would be to let him know why you feel it's important or why you want that time together...as an....emotional distance is created and over time it'll make you question if he loves you and if it's worth staying together.

Joysmum · 28/01/2018 08:21

Why would you blame yourself for his reactions?

If you working such long hours we’re and issue, he could have done as you have tried and to talk it through with you and brainstorm ideas on how things could be better.

He hasn’t.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 31/01/2018 08:02

Swell I have to take responsibility as.I work all banks holidays and Christmas easter etc.The poor man can't just sit about waiting for one day a month I'm off..However he won't discuss any solution and repeatedly waits until I'm off the "pops.out".. Even my grown up dcs.can't believe how much he gores out now.:(

OP posts:
octonaught · 31/01/2018 08:05

Not really sure when he can spend time with you if you work Weekends & bankholidays
Can you change your hours.
If the Dc are grown up, move to a smaller house in a cheaper area, so you can work less and have more time together?

timeisnotaline · 31/01/2018 08:18

I can’t see the benefit of changing hours without some communication first, it doesn’t sound like the ops dh wants to spend any time with her and she would just earn less!

sarahjconnor · 31/01/2018 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersWig · 31/01/2018 08:24

I know you've posted a lot about your DF before and I know you struggled a lot with the two years from diagnosis to him dying September and it is still very raw for you.

I know you've posted about your DH before as you've said. But I'm not quite sure what you're wanting advice about, specifically. If I remember rightly you work evenings and weekends so it is always going to be very difficult to spend any time together (which I think it really the crux of the matter) unless one of your changes your job. The question is whether both of you actually WANT to spend more time together. I'm not entirely sure your DH does.

Cuban8 · 31/01/2018 10:38

" I have to take responsibility as.I work all banks holidays and Christmas easter etc.The poor man can't just sit about waiting for one day a month I'm off..However he won't discuss any solution and repeatedly waits until I'm off"

But in your own words you have to work all hours to meet the financial demands of buying a house in the area you want to live. Again, in your own words, you have had to make sacrifices. If you don't have time for each other, then accept that the relationship will be sacrificed

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 01/02/2018 08:09

Thank you for replying.I just feel sad.that the man I live with now goes out with mates more than me.we live in an area tjhat has the last few years be one even more desirable.we have no mortgage as we went without for many years and paid it by the time I was 47.I work more now as obviously.the dcs don't need me so dh has beer money and I spend mine on clothes.I always thought when the dcs left home we would go out.TBH it would not work if we saw each other every week as we are not used to it.
Last night he told me his hours have changed.I can only.see him on holiday days booked.!!
He won't ever leave his job which doesn't bring home much after fuel is deducted.
I earn a bit more so leaving my job is huge thing as I've had three in the last year..one place didn't give annual leave and took my tax rebate..

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 01/02/2018 08:19

Maybe I need to use my money set aside for emergencies and take time out.I do have a feeling he likes to just spend time with the lads.My job gives me something to look forward to and huge satisfaction though.

OP posts:
stickytoffeevodka · 01/02/2018 08:27

But you can't have it both ways.

If you work a job that involves weekends, bank holidays and always working Easter, Christmas and New Year then you have to accept that that means you won't see your partner that much.

If my other half worked all bank holidays and weekends I wouldn't be sitting around the house on my own waiting for them to get back - I'd be out enjoying my days off/time off with my friends.

Either your job is more important to you (personally I would change jobs to one with more family-friendly hours if I no longer had a mortgage to pay) or you value time with your husband.

You can't expect him to wait around for you to be finished with work - he has his own life to lead.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 01/02/2018 08:35

Yes I see that.I would be thought he could see me if he knows I'm off though.If he wanted to.I may take the summer off and see where it leaves.me/us.

OP posts:
stickytoffeevodka · 01/02/2018 08:41

Do you ask him to keep the day free for you, or do you just assume he will?

Why not make plans in advance if you know neither of you will be working? I work a job that involves weekends and bank holidays, and DP works Monday-Friday so whenever I do have a weekend day or a BH off, I tell him in advance so we can arrange to do something together.

Amilliondreams · 01/02/2018 08:50

When is your time off? Do you never get evenings off together?

Shen0102 · 01/02/2018 08:51

he's not to blame..you've both made decisions to work unsuitable & long hours. sort it out together or live with it.

TatianaLarina · 01/02/2018 09:11

Are you still sleeping on the sofa after 12 years?

Why are you still with him OP?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 01/02/2018 09:21

I do tell him in advance and he will take me shopping as panic. Attacks put paid to me driving and I need to restart.After his heart attack he took up golf who h is great.He sticks to it rigidly as he says its good for him.my boss hasn't done next weeks rota yet I need to ask him if he can do a few weeks in advance.
I don't sleep on the sofa now as we both have rooms.
He wouldn't sort his snoring out or wear his hearing aid so TV is still a bit loud for me.Like I say seeing each other every day would be weird.
No I work 55 hour weeks and evenings.He gets up 445 am.

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 01/02/2018 09:26

If you've paid off the mortgage why are you working more? Surely your outgoings are decreased?

DistanceCall · 01/02/2018 09:27

OP, you don't have a marriage. This is not a partnership.

You can put up with it or get a divorce. But it sounds like it's not salvageable.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 01/02/2018 09:39

I work in a trade it is expected.So of my colleagues do 60 plus or eighty hours.I didn't opt out of 48 hour rule.
I love working and the buzz of earning after some very tough years.Perhaps I need to take my foot off the pedal.My work has been a huge distraction from my dfs death and such good fun working with people half my age.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 01/02/2018 09:41

I agree distance call sometimes often tbh dh doesn't say goodnight just goes to his room.I'm concerned being off he may still ignore me.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 01/02/2018 11:00

You don't have a marriage at all, you are just two people co-habiting in the same house. You don't even share the same bedroom and now he's telling you that you basically have to 'book' time with him.

Do you know exactly where he is when he is 'with his mates'? Is he actually with them or could he being seeing someone else?

Personally as you have zero relationship with this person, I would sell the house, get yourself a little flat or house for yourself and get a divorce.

Do you honestly want the rest of your life to be like it is now?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 01/02/2018 11:28

The golf is on e a month plus any free time he has as some of his mates are semi retired I guess.he goes to a posh hotel once a year with them I've seem the score cards they get.the pub times are in town and he gets loss d I can hear lads if he answers his mobile.He just eye rolls me if I ask him to bother with me and says I'm moaning.we clearly want different things now.tbh he has helped my mum loads since df died.he can be lovely.

OP posts:
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