Going from bad to worse.Husband spends more time with mates than me.

[whatisforteamum]

I have posted loads about this.The last time dh was drunk on Xmas eve.when I had asked to see him as I was working all hours.As my Dad died recently I was told to do nothing.I thought this was sound advice.Dh got drunk again came home in the early hours having forgotten his keys.I didn't get any sleep as he had said he was on his way at 11.3 am I let him in and he had to spend two days recovering while I worked two 12/ hour days.
I have only seen him three days in two months and I get the eye roll when I do.
We be been together 31/years and my job takes me out of the house a lot.
We live in an expensive area and bought our house through lots of sacrifices. We both earn lowish wages.
I just feel sad that he chooses his mates over me.Discussions end with him saying stop going on.
When I go back to work Monday I will not see him much again.as I work unsociable hours.when I'm here he ignores me or gives me little time.what should I do now ?

Tbh I don't know what to do for the best.Our D's seems to think dh is switched off emotionally as I'm the only one who ask D's about his new job and driving lessons.Dh just walked right past us last night and never asked him how his day was.He is 18.

That really is now way to live for any of you. It honestly sounds like your husband checked out of the marriage and family a long time ago.

Do you really want this for the rest of your life? You only have one life and it is a very short one. Go live it.

Maybe he's fed up with you prioritising your job over your marriage?

Working long hours when you have the mortgage to pay or children to feed is one thing, but you're choosing a job that means you're not home weekends, evenings, bank holidays or Christmas when you don't need the money anymore.

To be honest if I didn't see my partner in the evenings or at weekends for weeks on end I'd find it bloody hard and would start looking at hobbies to get me out of the house too. I wouldn't want my time with them to be squeezed into one or two days off a month because they'd rather work stupid hours than be home with me.

Just an alternative view.

I see.your.point.Dh doesn't earn much.Like I say we do have savings.Perhaps this is the time to take a year off.the relationship may have been damaged when we had dcs and HAD to work opposite hours due to having no support.
Fair point.

Are you a nurse OP? I'm just wondering as you say you get a lot of job satisfaction.

You don't have to take a year off, just cut your hours or make them a bit more family friendly.

Maybe he's just used to you not being around so he just does his own thing. I know I can get a bit like that if I'm off and DP is working - I can't imagine how bad I'd be if we only saw each other once or twice a month.

Of course he has to be on board too. If only one of you is willing to make changes and commit to spending more time together for the sake of your marriage, it won't work.

I'm.a.chef.I can only work the hours I do or change career.I love the camaraderie and buzz.I don't even have time to make friends.like I say I work with people half my age.My job is a huge part of my identity.

What do you want out of your marriage?
Do you even want a marriage anymore?

TBH, I don't think either of you are particularly invested in the marriage, you don't spend time together, don't share the same bed, he's not that interested in the children.

You either both need to sit down together and decide what the future holds - whether that be together or apart or you need to decide that you want a single life.

If you say your job is a huge part of who you are and identity and you are unwilling to cut hours or change career, then I think the kindest and most sensible thing all round would be to divorce and go your separate ways. It's not a healthy relationship and not very fair on anyone.

Whenever we sit.down he won't really.participate.He says we can split. Up if I don't like it.when I told him his change of hours means we can't see each other now he said we will work something out.I have two weekends booked on in Feb one in march for our wedding anniversary.21/years 31 together.I.feel like I.make all the effort and he just.muddles.through.So.hard.to untangle what is work.related.and what.is him not.caring.at.all.

Then I am afraid that you have your answer there then.

If he's not wanting to participate in any aspect of the relationship when you are off work, and wont participate in having a conversation when you do try and find a way forward then there really is no where else for the marriage to go apart from divorce.

I think he has passed the ball back into your court by saying 'We can split up if you don't like it'. Seems he wants you to make that decision for him.

Maybe he feels.like it would be hard for me.as.df.recently died and we do have a roof over our heads.
Or perhaps he wants to play the martyr... Look what my wife did?.He has let himself go on the appearance front and won't.always shave.for example.When he makes an effort he can be lovely though.D's makes comments that dh doesn't bother too much with me and I don't want him to take up the slack of listening to my day and seeing me.left confused when dh just disappears out!!

Some marriages work well as room mates after so many years...that bit is not unusual.

What is unusual is his 'can't be bothered' attitude towards you.

If you can't organise date nights or look forward to something together then really he is doing what is practical: having a social life around you not with you. It makes sense. If you aren't fun to be with but moan about him all the time then yes, he is better off spending time with his friends.

Neither of you are willing to compromise by the sound of it. You love your work and as you say, that is part of your identity.

Rather than moan and look at him to 'fix' the situation you would be better off finding your own interests, hobbies, organising fun trips etc whenever you can and go with your son or on your own or a girlfriend.

As may be you are a bit jealous of his social life?

What would he say if you joined him in his activities?

If you want to stay together then I would stop trying to 'fix' him but rather look at yourself and what YOU want to do to change things for the better.

It's easier to blame but in all honesty, unless you want to separate and get your own place given your lifestyle and working hours you would quickly become much more isolated and lonely than you are now!!

I don't mean this nastily, but you've been posting about this for YEARS!!

Agree with Olddear, I've been on mn for years under different names and (sorry) when I read this thread title I literally knew immediately that it would be you. Again. Posting the same thing. About a guy who has been exactly like this for about a decade.

Can you not just leave the relationship? Or if you won't do that, wouldn't it be better to accept that he is what he is?

I can't understand why you aren't able to accept, after a really really long time of him making it REALLY clear to you that he barely cares that you exist, that the relationship has been dead for ages and ages.

Please don't quit your job. Kitchen work is ace if you're in the right team. If you quit it, you'd basically be turning to this man as your only source of support, when, as I've said he's made it extremely clear to you that he doesn't even vaguely like you! Why would you quit your job??

You say you don't know what do to for the best...
I'm sorry but it's really obvious what you should do for the best. I struggle to understand what you are waiting around for.

I see what you mean.

I see.what you mean was meant for the comment about being isolated.I've only been on here three years.Of course withe two dcs and a low paid job leaving would be been a silly idea IMO.
He is much worse now and it is me who isn't here to go out.My job is.great and fills a huge gap I'm my life.Like you say I don't want to be dependant on someone who earns little and won't change.He won't even move.....ever he told me that.

So leave him alone! Stop making him feel bad. It sounds as if he's had serious health issues and has found a healthy way of living both physically, and mentally with his friends.

You need to look at what YOU bring into this dynamic.

What would he do if you came home with a gift for him, bright smile and asked how his day was and be interested in what he has to say?

Offered him a daily massage with candles and oil?

Be the change you want to see!!!

This sounds like my sister's relationship with her late husband. They spent most of their time living separate lives. They only didn't split up because they owned their house and had no children. If either of them had met anyone else it would have been divorce.

If you're unhappy with this then you need to work at it, both of you

Fair point fluffyrobin. He has changed loads since his heart attack.He was never so selfish.I don't agree with just leaving him and drifting further apart.Effort.needs to be made on both sides.Firstly I will speak to my boss about the odd Sunday off.That is interesting goose...we don't want to spend everyday together and when we do go out it is good.He is helping me get back driving so I. can be independent.