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Original poster

Would you sacrifice the feeling of being wanted for a genuinely decent guy?

30 replies

Mellodrama · 27/01/2018 15:45

8 months into a relationship with one of those guys who isn't your typical gobshite, basically! Genuine, great dad, caring, very kind etc., but...BUT.....

.....EXTREMELY laid back! To the point of coming across as not really excited about me (if that makes sense)?

He goes out of his way to see me when he can, treats my kids, always messages me, never breaks plans...

I have asked him straight about his laid-back attitude but he dismisses it as just that - adamant he's definitely 'into me' but possibly comes across as very nonchalant because of how laid-back he is Sad

So, would you take into account the 90% great qualities he does have and show and therefore sacrifice the feeling of being made to feel important, wanted, loved ...? Or would you walk away to find this elsewhere? Sad

OP posts:
Plumes · 27/01/2018 15:47

Depends how much you want a relationship I suppose. I'm happy being alone so would only give up singledom for someone really special. Someone who made me feel really special.

Kinunir · 27/01/2018 15:48

He goes out of his way to see me when he can, treats my kids, always messages me, never breaks plans...

Seriously, he wants to be with you.

Only question you have to ask is whether or not you are happy with the way he shows it.

Original poster
Mellodrama · 27/01/2018 15:51

I know I need to ask myself this question and really evaluate it Sad I DO feel like I need to be made to feel important, and quite frankly deserve it if I'm honest! But, I feel like I could possibly be throwing away a really special guy Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellodrama · 27/01/2018 15:52

I think about backing off a little, but don't want to play games - I'm 34, too old for games Sad

OP posts:
Trills · 27/01/2018 15:53

Depends how much you want a relationship I suppose

Plumes has it.

It depends entirely on how much you, personally, want a relationship and how much you care about whatever it is that he is doing (or not doing).

Trills · 27/01/2018 15:54

If he is very laid back then backing off won't make him act more interested in you, it'll make him think you're not very interested in him.

NewYearNewUsername · 27/01/2018 15:59

He goes out of his way to see me when he can, treats my kids, always messages me, never breaks plans...

What else do you want him to do? Is it a lack of physical affection or something? All these things are signs that he is into you and serious about it. Honestly I don't actually understand what else you want from him? From what you say he's treating you well, treating your kids, making time for you and messaging you. What else is there?

If you need some other reassurance I'd advise working out what it is and talking to him about it.

Original poster
Mellodrama · 27/01/2018 15:59

Does anybody else have an extremely laid back DP / DH??

OP posts:
Throughtheforest · 27/01/2018 16:04

You sound rather spoilt - you want him to go on about how lucky he is, buy you flowers all the time, etc? Do you do that kind of thing for him?

Hermonie2016 · 27/01/2018 16:06

90% at 8 months in where you feel it's a sacrifice and you are only 34 - is not worth it.

What is irritating now will be be frustrating/annoying by 2 years.

Its fair enough to like someone but not like their energy.Why would you even consider settling?

Dozer · 27/01/2018 16:09

Not enough info. Why do you suspect he’s not that into you?

Dozer · 27/01/2018 16:10

Is he not iniating seeing you, complimenting you, physically affectionate, good in bed?

category12 · 27/01/2018 16:11

What exactly is it that makes you feel unimportant? From what you say here "he goes out of his way to see me when he can, treats my kids, always messages me, never breaks plans..." - it sounds like he does treat you as a priority. Is it passion that's lacking? Can you explain a bit more?

Have your previous relationships been very intense/tumultuous/abusive?

Original poster
Mellodrama · 27/01/2018 16:12

Dozer basically because of how laid back he is, no compliments, hardly any cuddling, he never calls - only messages, would rather spend this evening watching the footy than with me, does not ask me much ... Sad

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gillybeanz · 27/01/2018 16:14

I'd think it was a waste of time being with a man who was incapable of giving me what I want, no matter how nice he appeared.

He's not going to change as this is his personality and maybe fine for other women. If it's not for you, why compromise?

Original poster
Mellodrama · 27/01/2018 16:14

Not lacking any passion, we are actually extremely sexually compatible and have a great sex life so far.

I suffer from extreme anxiety and especially relationship anxiety, unfortunately, but surely, if a guy was really that 'into me' would he not be calling as opposed to texting? Would he not be 'all over me' when we're together?? Sad

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Dozer · 27/01/2018 16:16

Right, so that’s not being “laid back”, that’s not making an effort to speak to (or see?) you or being physically affectionate or demonstrative.

So it does sound like he’s not that into you. I wouldn’t bother, unless you’re Ok with a half arsed temporary relationship.

pallisers · 27/01/2018 16:17

I suspect my son may be like this in relationships. he is extremely laid back and has been from the moment of birth. No big swings of emotion. But if he is into someone, you can tell it. He had a girlfriend during last year of school who was lovely but it was clear to me that he liked her, was nice to her, but this wasn't any big deal to him. They split up later.

He has another ex whom he still occasionally sees and his behaviour with her is no different but i can tell he is much more focused on her, much more interested in her attention - takes nothing for granted (I think she has moved on though).

So you need to figure out if you are the focus of his attention but his attention is kind of laid back or are you someone he likes being with but isn't stirring any other big emotions.

I hate drama and tumult so wouldn't want that in a relationship but wouldn't want to settle for anyone for whom I wasn't the most important woman in the world.

category12 · 27/01/2018 16:21

Calling vs texting - meh, I hate talking on the phone, personally, so I wouldn't pay much mind to that.

Not being "all over you" when you're together - what would that look like to you? Lots of affection, touching, PDA, kissing? If that's lacking at levels that are good for you, then yes, seems a poor fit.

And if he doesn't seem interested in talking to you or prefers the football, then yeah, he'd be gone...

Lettucepray · 27/01/2018 16:23

Mellodrama

Dozer basically because of how laid back he is, no compliments, hardly any cuddling, he never calls - only messages, would rather spend this evening watching the footy than with me, does not ask me much ... sad

I think you've answered your own question.....not bothered about you at all is he???

aftertheevent · 27/01/2018 16:23

No no no you are wanting him to feed your insecurity about yourself and to be quite honest why should he?
Does he know this about you? I would find you irritating TBH.
I don't think youd be happy further down the line and you cant make him be what he isn't.
Your username has it about right.

Howlongtilldinner · 27/01/2018 16:28

I guess you want the ‘infatuation’ bit that starts a new relationship. Sounds to me like this is a ‘practical’ relationship from the very start.

He sounds like he’s ‘in to you’ but in a practical way, I doubt he’ll change, and may even get more ‘nonchalant’ about it as time goes on.

Personally I like someone who’s enthusiastic and passionate about stuff, that goes for everyone not just a relationship, but we are all different. You have to decide whether you can accept the way he is or not.

A word of warning though, he is who he is, he won’t change, so don’t just keep going in the hope he will, because of all his other lovely attributes.

Hermonie2016 · 27/01/2018 16:28

At 8 months in, no way should you settle.It sounds like he gives you what he is happy with.This isn't "right" for you so he is the wrong man....for you. I wouldn't like his attitude as it feels as if he is capable of taking you for granted.

Don't try to talk yourself into accepting this relationship.The purpose of dating is to try out what suits.You will have learnt about yourself from this.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 27/01/2018 16:47

Google the five love languages, read up about it and take the quiz that's on one of the sites. Share the results with your partner. It may be that you're high in needing words (hearing you're loved) and he's high in Acts of Service (he's showing you). You might not realise this. You've nothing to lose. On the other hand you might just be incompatible.

Original poster
Mellodrama · 27/01/2018 17:08

Been there I think I done one pretty similar, that showed I was 'Anxious-attached' or something along those lines - whereas my DP is definitely the 'Secure-attached' type - does this mean I would only ever be compatible with other anxious-attached types, as quite frankly, I couldn't date someone like me ConfusedHmmSad

OP posts:
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