Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Meeting someone else after a difficult divorce - is it too late for me?

55 replies

thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 15:04

Divorcing my very difficult - stonewalling - controlling husband. We could have settled before Xmas but he is uncooperative and verbally intimidating. We are estranged but in the same house for the time being. He spends some nights away every week.

I am in the middle of the most awful grief and anxiety. He was my first and only boyfriend and we have been together 22 years.

To make matters worse, after trying to get me not to go ahead with the divorce in around October - not by dealing with any of the issues but by saying mostly manipulative things like he will be dead soon and everything will be mine Hmm - since at least Xmas, he has been making long and intimate sounding phone calls very late at night. So I take it that he has met someone else or they have been around for ages but now he can be open about it, which makes me feel like shit. Hearing the sounds of his conversations.

I cannot imagine being with anyone else. In any case I am 49 now - is it all over for me? I really do not know what to do with myself - I just feel ashamed, humiliated and not good enough. Really I wanted things to work out with my husband and cannot imagine being with anyone else. Maybe I am too old in any case and need to focus on other stuff?

I am still fantasising that he is going to say sorry about some of his awful past behaviour, and then try to properly repair things Confused. But he never wanted to relate to me as an equal, he called the shots - so why would any of that change?

His nice side is/was very nice, and that is what I feel so sad about Sad.

Also, since this whole divorce thing started he has gone back to some of the behaviour I am divorcing him for in the first place - including shouting at me and calling me names - including stupid bitch, stupid cow, thick, stupid in general, fucking lazy bum, vindictive - so you'd think that would cure some of my grief, but it hasn't Sad.

OP posts:
Kinunir · 27/01/2018 15:17

It's good to see that you are clear on why the divorce should go ahead - and go ahead it most certainly should.

Can you meet someone else now? Of course you can! It's never, ever too late.

From my personal experience, I have 5 female friends who got divorced between the ages of 48 and 57. All of them are now remarried or in long-term relationships. All of them are happier than they were in their original marriages and each has learned a lot about themselves and what a good relationship looks and feels like.

Should you look to meet someone right now? Probably not as it will just be a rebound. You need time to heal and regather your thoughts and emotions.

And you also need to be living in a different house to your STBXH before even contemplating it imho.

Marvellousmarge · 27/01/2018 15:29

I met my great love at 46.

MikeUniformMike · 27/01/2018 15:33

It's never too late. Build your life up first, make sure you have a good circle of friends, and have interests that aren't insular or women-only.

Goddamitt · 27/01/2018 15:36

I split with my exH after 20 years of a very unhappy marriage. Had a thunderbolt at almost 44 and met the love of my life. After my Mum died my Dad met someone else aged 60. She was 55 and had been on her own after a nasty divorce for ages. He’s definitely the love of her life (Dad loves her too but obviously it’s different as Mum died).

Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 15:42

Thank you. I just don't know how I will get past thinking that the only person I want is my current soon to be not H Blush.

And it is upsetting to think that the person he is on the phone to now is the love of his life Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 15:42

That was supposed to be a confused face, not a blushing one.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/01/2018 15:47

Oh he's not on the phone to the love of his life. But don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know you can hear him. Buy some wireless headphones and use them in the house. Go out now - just go for a walk or for a swim or something, to get out of the house.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/01/2018 15:50

Definitely not too late! I had a hideous, life changing divorce that floored me completely. Around it all I have dated a bit, here and there, nobody who truly floated my boat but it was good to get out there again and to know that I've still got it (apparently I have!!). I had a long term "friend with benefits" relationship which suited me just fine, all the fun, none of the crap bits. I have largely spent the last four years recovering and finding myself again and that has proved to be very wise. Recently, I've met somebody when I wasn't looking and neither was he. I realised straight away that he was going to be special and he is. I will be 49 this year OP and I have one adult child and a six year old with ASD. If I can do it, so can you! Do give yourself a chance to recover though and make sure you are comfortable with yourself before bringing somebody into the mix.
Good luck Flowers

Kinunir · 27/01/2018 15:51

He's messed up, is facing the reality of life without you and desperately seeking validation from anywhere he can get it... don't lose any sleep over the OW being the love of his life!!!

Marvellousmarge · 27/01/2018 16:16

Or maybe he HAS met the love of his life?
He is irrelevant - the OP is who matters so move on, be happy and be open to what life may bring your way.

Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 16:44

Thanks for the messages.

Sorry, I made it sound like he is actually on the phone to her now (he might be but he is not here at the moment) - it is generally late at night that he does it.

If she is the love of his life, what does that say about how much he must have not loved me. In which case why is he making the divorce so difficult, and why did he try to stop the whole thing? And how has he met someone so fast?

Ours will be his second divorce and he has also had girlfriends so this is not his first break up. The thing is though, he has not shown me any affection for years so in a sense we were already divorced.

I don't actually want to move on but he seems to be moving on at lightning speed. It's hard to bear. I don't know what to think about anything. We have dc so complete no contact will not be possible.

I also can't bear what he might be telling his new person about me - that I am vindictive bitch etc...

I have the strong feeling that he is still my husband. Which he is legally (since he is making the whole divorce process so slow), but in no other way.

I feel like I want to escape. From everything, including myself.

OP posts:
hattyhighlighter · 27/01/2018 16:47

OP call the samaritans if you need to talk to someone. I have been where you are and there is light on the other side. One day you may find you feel far better off without this man, however unlikely it seems.

For now, take the focus off him and start focussing on you
Flowers

Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 18:02

Thanks hatty Flowers.

How do I focus on me - genuine question - what kinds of things can I do to stop thinking about STBX and the whole situation?

OP posts:
hattyhighlighter · 27/01/2018 18:08

I remember reading that you can imagine, when you think about him, that there is a spotlight shining on him. Then mentally turn the spotlight so it shines on you. So you are thinking more about you. (may sound odd but it worked for me Grin)
So, for example, you could think of one nice thing you might do for yourself, or write a diary of how you are feeling, or think about what you might fancy watching on TV, or plan a day out, or phone a friend (but don't talk about him ) or go for a walk or run, or think up a hobby you might do one day or a trip you might go on one day, etc etc. Anything really that is about you

Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 18:32

Thank you I will try.

It's difficult to let go of the guilt involved. There are things I could have done differently in the relationship. And I initiated the divorce and back in October H was giving me the opportunity to backtrack. I didn't though as I didn't trust his apparent change. Now I don't think I could backtrack though - what with his new love interest 'n all.

So it seems as if the divorce is all me, but it really isn't. But I could have stayed in a very difficult and distant relationship. So I feel like I have swapped one hell for another.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 18:34

It's that horrible feeling of having had the power to do something different but having chosen not to.

What I really wanted was H to change.

OP posts:
hattyhighlighter · 27/01/2018 18:40

It sounds like you had good reason to divorce and not to backtrack on that decision. Maybe now it just feels more final since he's met someone new?
Even from what you said in your OP, names he called you and such, it sounds like you had good reasons to make the decision you did. It's early days it'll get easier with time.
Can you get any counselling maybe?

NaiceBiscuits · 27/01/2018 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 18:50

Yes I see a counsellor every week - which does help. Just knowing that I can offload.

I think it was the right decision and it had been a long time coming. But still it feels like a decision I had to make with my head - overriding my emotions.

And if he has been so quick to apparently move on (what else do long late night conversations mean, some of which I heard), how much could be really have meant his not very nice efforts to stop the divorce (having previously ignored me for months)?

And what will happen when/if I have to see this new or not so new person. I think I might die. Or if she goes on holiday with my kids.

I am not handling any of this very well. But H does not know as I try to be grey rock around him. TWAT.

What a bloody mess basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 18:54

Sorry Naice I missed your message.

Can you call the police for verbal abuse?

He has an abusive side and a nice side. Maybe this new person will have better boundaries than me, or he will simply like her more?

Yes I agree that dating now would not be a good idea. I can't see it happening in any case. I feel a bit past it. As if life happens to other people.

OP posts:
hattyhighlighter · 27/01/2018 18:54

I'd say don't jump ahead imagining the scenarios with the new person. You don't know yet what is going to happen.
Good that you can see you made a sensible decision.
Could you make a list of his bad points then look at it when you need a reminder of why you're not with him?
Think of it like stopping smoking - hard at the time and you want to go back, but in the long run a good decision and well worth it.

Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 18:57

Could you make a list of his bad points then look at it when you need a reminder of why you're not with him?

Yes - every time he was awful I wrote it down, so I have a lot to re-read. I will do that - don't know why I haven't.

Yes it is like coming off a drug.

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 27/01/2018 18:58

You're not too old to start afresh, but for the time being, look after yourself. Concentrate on the reasons you are divorcing your husband. The woman he is chatting to may well have been in the picture for a while, you just weren't aware. Talk to your friends and family, get yourself a tight support network in place, and get ready for a brand new life to start soon. Flowers

NaiceBiscuits · 27/01/2018 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thisishard2 · 27/01/2018 21:31

But if she has been in the picture for a while, why was be trying to stop this whole thing from happening? So that he could not have to get divorced yet still keep whatever relationship going on the side? Anyway that is one of the things I am wondering.

The worst part of it all is that I still feel that physical pull towards him. Even though he was so distant and unreachable somehow.

In the end I wasn't able to counteract all the negative things that were going on. But for a long time I lived with them. Basically he was impossible to talk to about anything than the very superficial because his reaction to any request for change etc... would be met with bad temper and reasons why things were my fault.

So things were fine if I didn't question anything and accepted a life with no affection. For many years I thought he would be more affectionate if I was better at housekeeping. That is kind of what he had lead me to believe, but I think it was a red herring.

OP posts: