Meeting someone else after a difficult divorce - is it too late for me?

[thisishard2]

Divorcing my very difficult - stonewalling - controlling husband. We could have settled before Xmas but he is uncooperative and verbally intimidating. We are estranged but in the same house for the time being. He spends some nights away every week.

I am in the middle of the most awful grief and anxiety. He was my first and only boyfriend and we have been together 22 years.

To make matters worse, after trying to get me not to go ahead with the divorce in around October - not by dealing with any of the issues but by saying mostly manipulative things like he will be dead soon and everything will be mine - since at least Xmas, he has been making long and intimate sounding phone calls very late at night. So I take it that he has met someone else or they have been around for ages but now he can be open about it, which makes me feel like shit. Hearing the sounds of his conversations.

I cannot imagine being with anyone else. In any case I am 49 now - is it all over for me? I really do not know what to do with myself - I just feel ashamed, humiliated and not good enough. Really I wanted things to work out with my husband and cannot imagine being with anyone else. Maybe I am too old in any case and need to focus on other stuff?

I am still fantasising that he is going to say sorry about some of his awful past behaviour, and then try to properly repair things . But he never wanted to relate to me as an equal, he called the shots - so why would any of that change?

His nice side is/was very nice, and that is what I feel so sad about .

Also, since this whole divorce thing started he has gone back to some of the behaviour I am divorcing him for in the first place - including shouting at me and calling me names - including stupid bitch, stupid cow, thick, stupid in general, fucking lazy bum, vindictive - so you'd think that would cure some of my grief, but it hasn't .

anything other than the very superficial

Being in the same house together and having to keep seeing him must be so tough. It doesn't afford you that opportunity to have time and space away from him, which will help you to start the process of switching off to him. When is this likely to change? Also, he sounds awful. Calling you names like that is appalling behaviour and he should be ashamed of himself. You are doing the right thing in divorcing this odious man.

No way is it too late!

My mum met my dad when they were both 13, married at 18, I was born then my 2 brothers. Very very happily married ( so we all thought ) for 30 years and then 10 yrs ago my dad left her.

She has had the most traumatic time but has found love with a man she went right through primary/secondary school with, they met up at a reunion and are madly in love!
My mum has never been so happy, she's only 60 now and has got years of happiness ahead of her.

Good luck op

Being in the same house together and having to keep seeing him must be so tough.

Yes it is. He spends some nights away but I basically never know when he is going to be here or not. Sometimes he comes here to have a bite and have a shower and then go out which gives me the rage.

I guess we will live separately when we have settled, but I am not sure when that will be. There is a lot of information he hasn't provided and I think he is going to dig his heels in, in which case we will go to a second hearing in March. I hope we manage to settle before though. It's all very anxiety inducing.

Yes the name calling is awful. When triggered that is what he will do. To bring you down. It has a bad effect on me though. Mostly we ignore each other, but bits of the divorce process are very triggering for him so I never know when he might go off on one.

Thanks LordSugar - I am glad your Mum is happy.

Yes and I agree that time and space from him is what I need. And away from his late night phone calls .

I wanted to say thanks a lot for all the supportive and helpful messages on my thread.

From experience, it takes a couple of years to get over a divorce. Once you finally have your own space, you will be able to recover your sense of self and be your own woman once again. As others have said, and from my direct experience, you will meet someone lovely and be happy again. Please be reassured, all will be well in due course!!!

I had to live with my ExH for 18 months going through the divorce until all financials settled - it was very awkward, and uncomfortable - not a nice atmosphere so I do understand how you must be feeling. Just sit tight and 'this too shall pass' - once you are free it will be like a weight lifted and you will feel so much better.
You may find that you don't want to meet anyone anyway. I do think it'd be nice for me to have a partner sometimes but then other times I think nope, I like my independence - anyway whatever we both decide, any future man will need to be worthy of us, no settling. Best wishes

Well I'm 49 and starting again (again)
It's fun going out dating different people.
Met a nice guy on Saturday so we shall see where that takes me.

For you though, you've been in an abusive relationship for 20+ years.
You need some support dealing with all that.
Please do contact Womens Aid. They can help with local support services, counselling, etc......
You owe yourself that much.
You'll end up with someone just like your Ex if you don't learn what to look for and how to avoid arseholes.

Please keep busy. I had to live with my ExH for 6 months when we separated.
I spent a lot of time at the gym.
Weekends with family and friends.
Do you have a support network around you at all?

Thanks for your kind messages.

At the moment it feels terrible. I know it's not a big deal compared to so many other things, but I feel kind of ashamed.

Yes maybe I won't meet anyone or won't want to. It grates that H was so disinterested in me for so long but can now apparently be nice, kind and intimate with someone else. At lightning speed. Makes me trust him even less.

I don't think things were abusive for the whole marriage - at times yes but we were a lot closer. Things have been difficult and getting steadily harder for the last 10 / 11 years. I haven't been perfect in the relationship and have contributed to our problems, but H and his stonewalling, sometimes bad temper, lack of any kind of interest and also making massive decisions without consulting me - I think these are the reasons we are splitting up. Since I initiated the divorce however, he probably feels entitled to make as many phonecalls to his new love () while in the house as he wants to.

I do have some support yes, thank you. I try to keep busy but 2 of my dc never want to go anywhere... H mercifully does spend some time away but I never know when that will be. Or when he will blow up about some divorce related issue.

It feels like a slow horrible death. And God knows what he is saying about me to this new person.

I'm a few years on from a divorce now, things settled down, own place.
But it took me quite a while to 'get over it' - I'm still not quite there yet, but I do notice my own mental energy and general feeling of wellbeing improving as time goes.
I did on line dating for a bit, but think I did that too early. I must have been a right miserable date, the divorce process was all consuming I'm afraid.
At the moment, I'm not in any great rush to meet someone else, it's taken me all this time to come to terms with living on my own, and learn to enjoy it. Prior to the divorce I had not ever been on my own, I had had boyfriends or more serious relationships since I was 16.

Don't feel pressured to conform to the 'norm' of being in a relationship. You don't need one really. Take your time, and go dating only when you start to feel happy again. Accept that getting to 'happy again' takes time, and that 'happy again' does not necessarily have to depend on there being a man in your life. I did some of the things I had given up on due to being in a couple and always capitulating to what his needs were. I went to the theatre with friends (never did that as a couple), I took up a hobby he would have hated. I made friends there. I ate with friends at the type of restaurants he would have hated. I chose holidays he would not have allowed. I decorated the house in a style he would have hated. I got a pet.

There are many many people getting divorced, so of course there are single people out there.

Hang in there

It grates that H was so disinterested in me for so long but can now apparently be nice, kind and intimate with someone else. At lightning speed.

This exactly what happened to me. My narc EA ex started dating as soon as we split, while we were still under the same roof, and met his new partner about a month later. It hurts like hell that he apparently is being the partner to her that I wanted him to be to me.

Its a year down the line for me and I am still mourning the loss of our future together although I don't want him back. I went through a stage of dating, feeling that if he could find someone else so could I. And I wanted the validation of someone else wanting me. But I've had to accept that I am not ready for a relationship yet, if ever. Some days are bad, but the number of good days is improving. If I had never been married, and hadn't wanted to be, I would be fine. But the gap between reality, and what I wanted my life to be, is huge and Ive not come to terms with that.

I could have written your posts thisishard. My situation is painfully similar in being married to an abusive shit for decades too long, going through divorce while still under the same roof.
Please don't tolerate abusive behaviour. If you ever feel afraid, call the police. If you feel unsafe with them coming to your home you can arrange to meet in a safe place. Womens Aid is BRILLIANT! An absolute eye opener re abuse. I'm older than you! I can't remember the last time I had sex. I think I pretended to enjoy it. Ugh. It has taken me years to get this far. You will survive! My husband petitioned me for divorce. Part of the power thing. If he wasn't such a liar and a shit I'd feel sorry for him. It's his choice.

Thanks for the most recent messages . It's all so hard isn't it. Another massive blow up at me yesterday, after he received a non confrontational letter from my solicitor. Re-writing history and making it sound like I have done nothing for years - ever in fact - verbally abusive / shouting / sarcastic etc.... She has written him another one in part asking him to refrain from behaving like this. So I am expecting another outburst today. We'll see.

I am standing my ground (for the first time ever) and apparently that means I am being horrible to him. Taking his stuff etc...

He wants to end things on his terms. I want to end things in terms of what is legally fair.

on terms that are legally fair

Well done for standing your ground. You can do this. And as you say you just want to end it on terms that are legally fair. You are doing nothing wrong. Keep going.

he will be dead soon and everything will be mine - my ex was saying the same soon after we separated, trying to make me feel guilty for the lack of options and plans.
Well he's found someone and is moving in soon with her, I have partner too.
No is not too late. It take time to recover from the trauma of separation.

thisishard2 I’m so sorry, it’s excrutiatingly painful isn’t it? I only had to do 6 months of this. I don’t know if it’s appropriate for you, but we used a mediator. But then, we also agreed to act like grown ups and only talk about the separation during the mediation sessions - your XH sounds like he’s throwing his toys out of the pram.
It’s great that you are having counselling, God knows that for me through. Having someone confirm ‘it’s not you, it’s him’ and tell me why gave me so much strength.
I know it doesn’t feel like you will move on, and actually whilst this is going on, I don’t believe you can. Maybe that’s part of his game? But it won’t - and can’t - last forever. This will stop and you will start again.
I’m 48, 4 DCs. All the men in my life have been abusive bullies in some way. I neither wanted, or expected, to meet anyone, or anyone any different to those men.
But I did, and 3 years on it still surprises me. I’m just about beginning to feel worthy of the love of a kind man, and I can’t believe how lucky I am. (Met him online too 😱).

I emotionally checked out of my marriage a few years before the split, so without realising I was further on in the healing process than I realised.

Finding love in middle age is not only possible, it is wonderful.

Ohforfoxsakereturns - you give me hope - I'm 48 too , single mum with 3 kids, so glad to hear you found a good man :-)

I think you have to grieve for the relationship you had, thought you had, wanted to have etc. You have to mourn its loss and then let it go. People do that in different ways and you have to find yours.

If your ex is being intimidating in any way, get help and don't stand for it. Make sure you tell your solicitor etc.

I'm 48 and I am hopeful it is not too late.

Also, I am having counselling and would highly recommend it.

If you feel safe doing so, walk away when he starts ranting. You are not together now. You don't need to listen. You can say something calmly first if you want, like "I'm not going to listen to you insult me."

Then into your room, headphones on and Taylor Swift up loud "We are never ever ever getting back together." Or your choice... That worked for me!

And if you don't feel safe walking away, consider putting a lock on your bedroom door.

@thisishard2 I was wondering how you were doing?

Like others on this thread, I know how hard this is - I hope you are OK.

@Ohforfoxsakereturns I am okay thank you. My solicitor asked H to be less confrontational and to direct any communication about the divorce to her. I am sure he will be triggered by other stuff and blow up again, but for now things are quiet.

Thanks all for all the messages and the encouragement. I too have 3 dc . It's good to know that mid life love happens.

My question now is - how do I get over the awful things H has said to me - that I have never done anything, have spent and am continuing to spend his money, that I "sat on my fat arse" etc.... That I want "his" stuff now. That yes I can have "some" . Just how do you get over stuff like that. It's difficult not to feel worthless.