Adult step son and daughter causing a problem

[WSMother]

I am new to this site but I need some help. About 8 years ago I met a man on a social website. He is the love of my life and we have been living together for 7 years and we are now engaged to be married in September. He has been married twice before and has three children, I have been married before and have two children. My children are married and I have grandchildren. All is good there, no problems.

He has three children by his second wife who died tragically from pancreatic cancer over ten years ago. After that he got mouth and throat cancer and nearly died, but luckily recovered. We are extremely happy except we have a problem with two of his children.

His eldest daughter (38) who thankfully lives abroad, I believe has borderline personality disorder. According to my fiance she has always been difficult and it has been like treading on glass. We went to Australia to see her at Christmas. We then travelled up to Port Douglas and she joined us on New Year's Eve. She went into hysterics because we had booked her into a different room across the street from our accommodation. This was my fault, I had booked online and the place I thought was a one bedroom flat with a living room and sofa bed turned out to be a studio room with louvred doors around the bed and one loo. We thought we were doing the right thing by booking another room at great expense - a double bed with en suite, very clean and nice (we went to see it). But when we said what we had done she went into a complete breakdown and said she wanted to stay in the same room as us. I said (stupidly without thinking) 'There's always a problem, isn't there?' and with that she walked out and we did not see her for two days. In the meantime she texted her brother back in the UK and he was sending texts to us - accusing me of everything under the sun when actually it was a joint decision between my fiancee and myself.

His daughter has terrible mood swings, she can be sweetness and light one moment and screaming and shouting the next, she feels rejected even though we travelled half way round the world to be with her at Christmas, she always feels she is a victim, there is no black or white you are either right or wrong. She is very difficult to get on with because you never know what mood she will be in.

Anyway, my fiance's son who lives abroad too comes and stays with us for one week a month as he does business in the UK. He has a free room, free food and drink, clean sheets, laundry and his wife and child also come and stay. Not once have I had a bunch of flowers or a thank you letter. However that is fine. They are family and I cook and clean and I am happy they are there so my fiance can spend time with them.

The son came last week, the first time since his horrific comments to me by text - which were really horrible and vitriolic accusing me of doing and saying terrible things over the past five years. He stood in my kitchen and repeated all his accusations. He shouted at me and at one point I thought he was going to hit me. In the end I said if he thought so badly of me and had no respect for me then he could leave, which he did.

He came back two night's later when I was out to try to sort out the problems with his father and I think he was expecting to stay the night but he was told to leave until he sorted things out personally with me. He has now left to go back home without settling the situation. I know he cannot afford to stay in a hotel in London and so he needs to clear the air with me but I feel he hates me so much any apology with be two-faced and each time he stays there will be an atmosphere and I will not feel comfortable.

I want to draw a line in the sand and to forget everything that has gone on in the past. I am happy to accept responsibility for anything he thought I did but did not mention at the time and to apologise. I feel all the points he raised were trivial compared to other things which are going on (my daughter in law's mother is dying). I want him to get a life and stop being so immature. He always seems to see the bad side of people. It is as though he picks through each situation until he can find something to criticise.

We have a feeling all this is being added to because his wife is Eastern European. Her father walked out on her when she was a child and she doesn't talk to her brother. She had no childhood friends at her wedding which was strange. They have one daughter who we have never been allowed to hold, cuddle, kiss or get near to. We saw her five times in the first year and so we have not bonded with her. My fiance used to be joined at the hip to his son. She has driven a wedge between them. They say we put pressure on them by inviting them around to Sunday lunch, so in the end we stopped asking and told them they should tell us when they wanted to come, that they were always welcome. Once they were invited to lunch at 12 noon and they turned up at 2pm. We said nothing.

I am the Wicked Step Mother. I invited the son's daughter (aged 3), my fiance's granddaughter to come with us (and my granddaughter, aged 4) to Kew Gardens as they were showing a version of A Midsummer Nights' Dream and all the children were going to dress up as fairies and have a picnic in the Gardens.. I thought this would be fun and a great opportunity for some grandparent bonding. An innocent invitation. I said we would pick her up and to let me know if this was convenient. I sent it on the family's WhatApp. The son said it was done purposely to make him and his wife look bad if they turned us down (!). In the end both the son and the daughter made a huge fuss about children being made to dress up against their will. The son and daughter-in-law came with their daughter so no bonding as again we were not allowed to get near her and there was a terrible atmosphere.

Another accusation aimed at me was when the son and his family were staying last year and came in a 9pm when I had already gone to bed. My fiance was out. He knocked on my door to ask if his daughter could have a bath (there is only one bath in our house en suite to my room) and I said no, it was not convenient. In these vitriolic texts he said he was so angry and that I was insensitive and made them feel very uncomfortable and not wanted. In fact, I was giving myself an enema at the time (I have had some problems) - but why should I have to explain that to him? She could have had a bath the following morning.

Another complaint was that I had allowed their daughter to play with a box of cowri shells that we have. I can't even remember this incident. I am sure I would have been monitoring the play closely - I have brought up two children of my own. Anyway she plays with the dolls house which has tiny things in it. But I have apologised if I did this and take responsibility.

There were about another two incidents. I have apologised if they made him or his wife unhappy. It was not my intention. I love them all dearly and want to remain friendly for my fiances sake.

However I think it has gone too far now. I am so unhappy about it. The eldest daughter says she cannot come to our wedding in September as she has a prior engagement - nine month's notice!

The youngest daughter is fine and we get on great. Thank heavens one is alright.

Any advice?

Yep, lifes too short.

These people are adults. They are twats and nothing will or can change that.

You need to your fiance to remain on side to back you all all times. Luckily for you a man is more likey to side with his partner over his children than a woman would do in similar circumstances .

If they were teenagers and their mother had died recently, I would be sympathetic and have compassion. But these are adults with kids and should have their shit together. Stop apologising and tell them to fuck off of to the other side of fuck and once there, fuck off some more. There is zero need to put up with such shitty behaviour. Stop putting up the son. He needs to find a cheap hotel.

I dunno. There’s a few bits that I find a bit confusing in the OP.

Seeing the baby 5 times in the first year and saying it meant you couldn’t bond?

Judging the wife for not having childhood friends at the wedding? Not that uncommon that it’s a

The Sunday lunch thing? I thought they lived abroad? Or is this ore them moving?

The enema thing. Couldn’t you just say “I’m afraid I’m using the bathroom and will be a while” or something?

I don’t think, from what you’ve said, their reactions are remotely reasonable but it does sound like there is more going on from your part than with you’re letting on or maybe not realising that might aggravate things.

You can only try for so long, I understand that you are putting up with it for your DP's sake but that really doesn't work long term. Something is bound to give eventually.

Best to deal with it now, before things get too messy. You and DP need to show a united front and let them know that it stops now.

Life is too short as another poster has said. They are adults. If they want to see their dad then that’s fine, but I’d not be acompaning them in your position.

Perspective is everything. It’s only natural to think you’re the normal one and everyone else is difficult. However some of your language in your post comes across as divisive, opinionated and the mother-in-law from hell (I.e. always something with you, Eastern European, no childhood friends at wedding etc).

Irrespective of who’s “right”, you need to change. This is important for your relationship with your partner and their children but also your own health and happiness.

Some things are what they are, accept that and don’t overanalyse.

Actively listen without trying to justify your actions or the actions of others.

Most of all you need to let things go even when you think you’ve been wronged. I promise you will feel better, your relationships will improve etc.

Excellent post from Member171 there.

You say their mother died 'about ten years ago' and you met their father 'about 8 years ago.'

Could it be that they felt he moved on far too soon and they feel betrayed on behalf of their mother? The difference between 'about ten years' and 'about 8 years' could actually be a matter of months.

Anyway, whatever their reasons, if all three of his children are united in their opinion that you are the difficult, unreasonable one then I think you have to accept that something has happened that has deeply hurt and upset them all and whatever it was, you can't undo it now. It seems odd that all three grown adults would behave like this otherwise. It's easier to tell yourself that all three of them are being unreasonable than to face the possibility that you have been less than easy to get along with yourself.

Perhaps they feel that their father has been too easily manipulated and controlled by you and they dislike what he has become since he's been with you? Is he well off? Do they feel you are a gold digger? Have you stepped in and influenced decisions that he would previously have made alone and perhaps made differently? Adult children know their parents very well and it's not easy to see them changing into someone they don't recognise, spouting opinions that are not theirs and if there is a new partner at the root of it it can feel really uncomfortable.

It may not be anything you that did it specifically - it may be that they are angry or frustrated by their father, but the way they are choosing to deal with that is to reject you as a way of punishing him, if that makes sense.

I am currently having a vaguely similar situation with my mother's new partner who I refuse to meet or be involved with in any way, after six months.

At some point I am going to have to meet him and I will be perfectly civil and pleasant but if I then don't wish to treat him as a member of the family and spend any more time with him than is absolutely necessary that is nothing personal towards him, it's more to do with the complicated history around my mother and her relationships and the way they have impacted me. But I can see how, to an outsider it would look as if it's all about my dislike of him. That may not be relevant in your case but I thought I'd mention it as a way of illustrating how things are not always as simple as they seem on the outside.

Throughout your post I can see you looking very, very hard to find reasons that might explain why each of them is choosing to be really difficult and obstructive with you. The possible borderline personality disorder, the controlling Eastern European wife with no friends etc. etc. It's understandable you'd look around for someone or something to cast blame on but I am afraid to say that there is a distinct possibility they just plain don't like you because of you. Not because of them.

In spite of all the effort you make and all the nice things you do, if there is something about your personality that they find really challenging or grating then you are always going to be fighting a losing battle no matter how many tickets you buy, or clean bedsheets you provide. Better to just accept that you don't float their boat and stop trying to force a friendship that they clearly don't want.

Arrange your life so that your fiancé is free to spend time alone with his children and grandchildren and you focus on yours.

Your stepson who stays monthly is going to have to accept that he either buries the hatchet and is civil and pleasant to you while in your home, even if there's no real love lost, or he can pay for a hotel. It's that simple.

But if he comes to your house in future, let your DP make up his bed, cook his food etc, or let him sort it out for himself. Don't be hostile, but don't bend over backwards to host him knowing that he resents you. Take yourself out as much as possible during those periods, visit your children, go to the cinema alone, whatever. Or tell your partner to take him to the pub for something to eat and you relax at home alone.

Just allow yourself to let go of it all and leave them and their father to it. It's not your problem. Likewise with your partner's desire for a closer relationship with his granddaughter. That's between him and his son to work through. It's not your place to get involved in it or to try to engineer things on his behalf. It will do nothing but reinforce their dislike of you if you try.

Great post TournesolsetLavande

OP sounds like you've tried your very best to build bridges with your fiancé's family. Sometimes you can please the people any of the time, that's, unfortunately, life.

Sounds like your DSC cannot reconcile the fact their DF has moved forward in his life, after the sad death of their DM. Try if you can to think of it in that way, it isn't about you, rather it's about who you represent, a "replacement" in their DFs affections, even if that's entirely inaccurate because their DM can never be a replacement. It's take on things.

Understand, empathise and (hopefully) accept and things could mellow in time.

You sound like a thoughtful person trying to navigate through a difficult minefileld situation, don't blame yourself

Sorry, should say

you can't please the people any of the time

The youngest daughter is fine and we get on great. Thank heavens one is alright. Wow, that's nasty! Especially as you said one has a MH condition.

Other wise Member171204 and TournesolsetLavande said what I was thinking!

Anyway, whatever their reasons, if all three of his children are united in their opinion that you are the difficult, unreasonable one then I think you have to accept that something has happened that has deeply hurt and upset them all and whatever it was, you can't undo it now. It seems odd that all three grown adults would behave like this otherwise. It's easier to tell yourself that all three of them are being unreasonable than to face the possibility that you have been less than easy to get along with yourself.

I hate to say it, op but this rings bells. 3 out of 4 of my mother's adult children (inc me) no longer talk to her. If you ask her, the three that don't are all unreasonable and have done something to her to force HER to cut contact. In reality, all three have cut contact with her. The fourth is hanging on a ledge constantly wobbling back & forth.

Add to that, three husbands have left her.

My mother just doesn't see that SHE is in fact the common denominator.

However I think it has gone too far now. I am so unhappy about it. The eldest daughter says she cannot come to our wedding in September as she has a prior engagement - nine month's notice!

The youngest daughter is fine and we get on great. Thank heavens one is alright.

Sorry, I missed that last bit, I thought all three children had an issue with you.

Anyway, re: the wedding, she's in Australia. It's a long way to come and a huge expense. She doesn't want to use her time and money to see her dad marry someone she doesn't even like. That much is obvious.

Instead of focusing on the flimsy content of her excuses and overanalysing them, just accept that is how she feels. Accept it and let it go. Her father should do the same. Especially if she does have a personality disorder, you can't win this whatever you do. Best to make peace with it and stop trying. And don't give her more attention by pleading, challenging her over it, moving goalposts in a bid to accommodate her, meaning she will just have to come up with a different excuse that will upset you, or by telling her how disappointed you are.

A simple 'Oh dear, that's a shame.' will suffice. End of discussion.

Getting increasingly angry and frustrated because you can't manipulate these people into feeling or behaving the way you think they should is going to achieve nothing but to prolong everyone's unhappiness.

As a parent, you always love and try to be there for your children, they have children, become parents and ( should ) make their own way in life.....

There comes a point in life, I think, where you should become a little bit selfish, put yourself first, your happiness and your partners, first because you have more time behind you, and not so much in front.....

You've done your bit, made your sacrifices, ' Gave at the office '

You should FUCK them right off !!!!!!

And your partner should support you.

Well at least they live abroad 😀

What are you saying serial? That her partner should support her in fucking his children right off?

If that means what I think it means then you are wrong. She should cease trying to force a relationship with people who'd rather she didn't bother and her partner should support her right to do that.

But if you are suggesting he should pick a side and fuck his own children off, or alter the terms of his relationship with them and start applying conditions that mean he only comes as a package then you are very wrong indeed. They don't owe it to him to love being around her just because he does.

He needs to accept that and find a way to make things work where he can have the life he wants with the OP but also can maintain a close relationship with his children without any expectations or demands that they should all be one big happy family.

That is the nature of remarriage and blended families I am afraid.

OP, it was very wrong of your step son to stand in your kitchen shouting at you aggressively. That is totally unacceptable and I hope your partner told his son that in no uncertain terms.

My advice would be to step back a little. Make sure your partner is the one who contacts his children while you stay in the background. He needs to insist that his son can only stay if he is civil to you.

I wouldn’t worry too much about an apology from the son being forced, or the daughter not coming to your wedding. Accept that there is a personality clash and you may never have a good relationship with them - just aim for polite and calm. Focus your energies on your own children and grandchildren.

I think it would be interesting to hear the other side of this. Your post is lengthy but you skim over the details of what the son’s trivial problems with you are.

On face value though, I’d leave the door open for them to have a relationship with you in the future for the sake of your fiancé but I’d tell the son unless you can both make a genuine effort to get on and resolve the issues then he will have to find somewhere else to stay for 1 week a month. I would not want to have a visitor who hated me in my home.

The dynamics that run through blending families are horrific. I've got a horrible adult step daughter and she ruined our wedding.

I've never said one word to either her or my husband even though her behaviour would be appalling when he wasn't there to see it. I decided I'd suck it up and ignore it, ensure I was friendly but kept to the back ground to ensure she didn't feel that I was encroaching on her relationship with her dad. I don't know how I could have been anymore low key. This ended with her physically attacking me with an object after she gave him an ultimatum that she would leave his life if her married me. I also had abuse from her mother who'd been divorced well before we met.

On the other hand I have gained a wonderful stepson.

His daughter is estranged now. I guess I'm trying to say that actually it doesn't matter what you do, you'll always be in the wrong in their eyes. They sound toxic.

Agree with Tournalsetlavande.

Also allow the children to have a relationship with their Dad rather than having to have a relationship with you both at the same time. My DM died and my fathers new wife wouldn’t allow him to have time with us on our own which was horrible.

What is your parrner's take on this? Its largely something he has to resolve it.I suspect you and him may have been insensitive at times as their behaviour seems to be crying out for his attention.
Do they fear a loss of inheirtance? Blended families have to tread more careful with thos issue.
Perhaps your tone and choice of words could be softer, is that something you recognise in yourself?

Re Australia, did you spend Christmas without her and go up North for New Year only?

However I do agree that as adults they need to be more emotionally mature but that may not happen and so you might have to accept you will be the outsider.

Could you accept that the relationship will always be strained.

I met their father three years or more after his wife died. So I don’t think that’s an issue. He has very little money and we have a half share each in the house we are living in. But maybe they see me as an impediment to their inheriting the house when/if he dies.
The youngest daughter is fine. We get on very well, she is a delight. The son used to live in the UK in Hammersmith - we live in South London so easy for them to get to us.

I’m not trying to be a mother to them but I feel they should be pleased that their father is happy.

Have you asked his youngest daughter if she knows what their issue with you is?

Can you empathise with any sense of loss they may have? Maybe their dad spent more time with them prior to meeting you.You being on the scene may not be upside to them.

It doesn't mean you are to blame but you might have to accept the blended family ideal won't happen.
I think you both could consider financial implications, especially if he has been ill previously.Would they lose inheirtance? It sounds mercenary but often money appears to correlate with love, to some people.
For example his share could go to his children and similar for yours.
Can the youngest child act as a go between to help translate the issues..I suspect the complaints raised are surface only and the real issues are not being discussed.

Sorry you are putting up with this OP. The 'children' are grown adults and need to act like it. You don't have to love your step mother/father but at least have the good grace to see that they make your parent happy.
As for shouting and being abusive in your own home. Fuck that, they need to grow up and stop being pandered to.
Absolutely NO to going elsewhere so his rude entitled ADULT kids can have him to themselves to 'bond'. You are his wife (or soon will be) and it is your home. !!