I am new to this site but I need some help. About 8 years ago I met a man on a social website. He is the love of my life and we have been living together for 7 years and we are now engaged to be married in September. He has been married twice before and has three children, I have been married before and have two children. My children are married and I have grandchildren. All is good there, no problems.
He has three children by his second wife who died tragically from pancreatic cancer over ten years ago. After that he got mouth and throat cancer and nearly died, but luckily recovered. We are extremely happy except we have a problem with two of his children.
His eldest daughter (38) who thankfully lives abroad, I believe has borderline personality disorder. According to my fiance she has always been difficult and it has been like treading on glass. We went to Australia to see her at Christmas. We then travelled up to Port Douglas and she joined us on New Year's Eve. She went into hysterics because we had booked her into a different room across the street from our accommodation. This was my fault, I had booked online and the place I thought was a one bedroom flat with a living room and sofa bed turned out to be a studio room with louvred doors around the bed and one loo. We thought we were doing the right thing by booking another room at great expense - a double bed with en suite, very clean and nice (we went to see it). But when we said what we had done she went into a complete breakdown and said she wanted to stay in the same room as us. I said (stupidly without thinking) 'There's always a problem, isn't there?' and with that she walked out and we did not see her for two days. In the meantime she texted her brother back in the UK and he was sending texts to us - accusing me of everything under the sun when actually it was a joint decision between my fiancee and myself.
His daughter has terrible mood swings, she can be sweetness and light one moment and screaming and shouting the next, she feels rejected even though we travelled half way round the world to be with her at Christmas, she always feels she is a victim, there is no black or white you are either right or wrong. She is very difficult to get on with because you never know what mood she will be in.
Anyway, my fiance's son who lives abroad too comes and stays with us for one week a month as he does business in the UK. He has a free room, free food and drink, clean sheets, laundry and his wife and child also come and stay. Not once have I had a bunch of flowers or a thank you letter. However that is fine. They are family and I cook and clean and I am happy they are there so my fiance can spend time with them.
The son came last week, the first time since his horrific comments to me by text - which were really horrible and vitriolic accusing me of doing and saying terrible things over the past five years. He stood in my kitchen and repeated all his accusations. He shouted at me and at one point I thought he was going to hit me. In the end I said if he thought so badly of me and had no respect for me then he could leave, which he did.
He came back two night's later when I was out to try to sort out the problems with his father and I think he was expecting to stay the night but he was told to leave until he sorted things out personally with me. He has now left to go back home without settling the situation. I know he cannot afford to stay in a hotel in London and so he needs to clear the air with me but I feel he hates me so much any apology with be two-faced and each time he stays there will be an atmosphere and I will not feel comfortable.
I want to draw a line in the sand and to forget everything that has gone on in the past. I am happy to accept responsibility for anything he thought I did but did not mention at the time and to apologise. I feel all the points he raised were trivial compared to other things which are going on (my daughter in law's mother is dying). I want him to get a life and stop being so immature. He always seems to see the bad side of people. It is as though he picks through each situation until he can find something to criticise.
We have a feeling all this is being added to because his wife is Eastern European. Her father walked out on her when she was a child and she doesn't talk to her brother. She had no childhood friends at her wedding which was strange. They have one daughter who we have never been allowed to hold, cuddle, kiss or get near to. We saw her five times in the first year and so we have not bonded with her. My fiance used to be joined at the hip to his son. She has driven a wedge between them. They say we put pressure on them by inviting them around to Sunday lunch, so in the end we stopped asking and told them they should tell us when they wanted to come, that they were always welcome. Once they were invited to lunch at 12 noon and they turned up at 2pm. We said nothing.
I am the Wicked Step Mother. I invited the son's daughter (aged 3), my fiance's granddaughter to come with us (and my granddaughter, aged 4) to Kew Gardens as they were showing a version of A Midsummer Nights' Dream and all the children were going to dress up as fairies and have a picnic in the Gardens.. I thought this would be fun and a great opportunity for some grandparent bonding. An innocent invitation. I said we would pick her up and to let me know if this was convenient. I sent it on the family's WhatApp. The son said it was done purposely to make him and his wife look bad if they turned us down (!). In the end both the son and the daughter made a huge fuss about children being made to dress up against their will. The son and daughter-in-law came with their daughter so no bonding as again we were not allowed to get near her and there was a terrible atmosphere.
Another accusation aimed at me was when the son and his family were staying last year and came in a 9pm when I had already gone to bed. My fiance was out. He knocked on my door to ask if his daughter could have a bath (there is only one bath in our house en suite to my room) and I said no, it was not convenient. In these vitriolic texts he said he was so angry and that I was insensitive and made them feel very uncomfortable and not wanted. In fact, I was giving myself an enema at the time (I have had some problems) - but why should I have to explain that to him? She could have had a bath the following morning.
Another complaint was that I had allowed their daughter to play with a box of cowri shells that we have. I can't even remember this incident. I am sure I would have been monitoring the play closely - I have brought up two children of my own. Anyway she plays with the dolls house which has tiny things in it. But I have apologised if I did this and take responsibility.
There were about another two incidents. I have apologised if they made him or his wife unhappy. It was not my intention. I love them all dearly and want to remain friendly for my fiances sake.
However I think it has gone too far now. I am so unhappy about it. The eldest daughter says she cannot come to our wedding in September as she has a prior engagement - nine month's notice!
The youngest daughter is fine and we get on great. Thank heavens one is alright.
Any advice?