How do you cope with a relative who is rude and unfriendly but has a good heart?

[ConfusedWife1234]

My dh has a brother who is in his twenties. He is close with his brother, especially one of his brothers and this brother has been so friendly and caring with him lately but BIL can be a total PITA.
He can be such a bigot, he jokes about the disabled. He actually has a disability himself, but jokes about people who have a different disability. He jokes about the elderly. He jokes about the people he considers ugly and so on.
Unfortunately he can be very snobby and considers himself to be superior to everybody else and he is a potty mouth. Sometimes I think he likes „playing a role“ cause he cannot possibly be that snobby.

However dh loves him dearly, trusts him. Dh does not trust many people and the brother was sensing dh was not feeling well and was so friendly with him.

I think he is making an effort to be nicer lately but actually I still feel that I cannot stand him... but feel I should like him.

I have relatives like this, total arses, I avoid then tbh.

You don't have to like him. For your DH's sake it's nice to tolerate him as much as you can but I think it's perfectly fine for you not to want be around someone who makes offensive jokes.

If he's making jokes about elderly people and those with disabilities, he's making ugly jokes, and he's a bigot, then I really don't see any evidence that he has a good heart.

You are not obliged to like someone, especially when they are being so very offensive.

I would cope with him by calling him out every single time he makes one of his "jokes". Tell him he's being offensive. Tell him you don't want talk like that in your house. Tell him that if he continues he won't be welcome. Tell him.

If you let it slide he'll just carry on, and ten years from now you'll be feeling desperate.

How has he got a good heart? He sounds awful and needs pulling up on all his ridiculous and cruel views and remarks not indulged by you and hour DH. It absolutely is offensive and I wouldn't tolerate it in my home.

I don't bother with a relative who I know is deep down a good person after her behaviours upset me numerous times. She is full of herself, says she calls a spade a spade when it is just pure rudeness. More to it of course, but I can't see her any more as I have to protect myself and my mental health. She got in with the wrong crowd and is bitter how her life is turning out.

I just limit contact with them. I’m very polite when I have to see them, but don’t go out of my way. Also as it’s dh relative I encourage him to see her as much as possible without me. We used to go out for meals etc but don’t anymore as she always says something racist or nasty.

How he has a good heart? He told dh if he needed anything, no matter, what, he just needs to call him... and if it is in the middle of the night he will be there.
Dh likes him a lot and I think he also likes dh.

But his jokes are really ugly and he is acting so snobby and full of himself.
I am afraid if his jokes will hurt dh. Both dh and bil have a small disability and dh feels bad about his (being short of hearing). Bil does not really crack jokes about people who are short of hearing but about people with other disabilities.

I am trying to make sense of that, like thinking maybe the fact that some people have disabilities, that people age scares him because it shows how fragile we all are him... but it does not make much sense to me.

Promising to do something is not indicative of being a kind person. All it shows is that he's happy to tell people how good he is.

Making fun of the fat, the ugly, the disabled and the elderly proves that he's a judgemental bigot.

Don't try to make sense of his thinking. Have your own thoughts. Recognise what sort of person he is and stop trying to convince yourself he's something else.

What do you want in life a politically correct friend who never says anything contentious but will drop you like a stone when you need them?
My cousin rubs plenty of people up the wrong way,argumentative,rude, opinionated and lacks tact but is the most caring person I know.Id pick a good heart every time

Have you discussed this with your DH?

Don't approach it by saying BIL is a total arse - but maybe ask what DH thinks of a comment, rather than you judging it. Get DH to. If he tries to minimise and says it's just banter/bravado - say you find it offensive - and ask him, DH, to call it next time.

Suggest to him some assertive but not inflammatory language that he could use.

You need to deal with it with your DH otherwise it will fester.

DH says that this is just the way he is. DH loves him a lot because he is his little brother. He thinks it is just bravado

I do not want to dislike my BIL. I want to like him and I want him to feel welcome in our house because I think I owe that to my dh, but actually I cannot like BIL that much not only because he is a bigot but he is also rude and a potty mouth and because he is a lousy example for our kids.

It's insecurity, making jokes at the expense of those in a weaker position, to make himself feel better.

People are rarely all good or bad. But I'd avoid someone with such a nasty streak as much as possible.

You could call him out on the jokes. Tell him things like "I don't want to talk to you if you're going to make comments like that". You might not get him to stop doing it, but at least you might be able to get him to stop doing it when you are around.

If he has a disability, he may have been told (explicitly or not) that he's not as good as people who don't have that disability. This is especially likely if he grew up in an environment where making fun of disabled people was seen as acceptable. He might be trying to prove to himself that at least he's not as bad as those other people. I'm not saying that making fun of people with disabilities is an acceptable thing to do, just that he might have a reason for doing it.

The influence on your dc is the clincher. I'd limit contact and encourage your DH to see him without you.

Thanks for your input. He was not born disabled but this is something that happened to him later in life. He is still young, in his twenties, and maybe this is something which is difficult for him to cope with. He was a guy that used to be very proud of being fit.
I am not sure if somebody ever made fun of him. That would be rude but people are rude.

However I have to say he has been rude and snobby before this happened and also made bigoted jokes before. Maybe not that many...
i think he is making an effort to be nicer lately.

Basically I feel that I HAVE to like him and that it is wrong not at least trying to make an effort to like him because he is trying to make an effort to be a nicer.

I think he might be a bit unhappy with his life because he has a disability, he cannot work in his former job anymore, it seems he does not have many friends, he quarrels a lot with his fiancé and her parents hate him... so his life is hard... and he is DHs younger brother and we should make him feel welcome.

This sounds exactly like my BIL to the point it could be the same person. I try to focus on the pleasant aspects of him as a means of coping and don't react to the less pleasant parts. I seem to get less of it than others but I'm not sure if it's because of the non reaction or general discomfort around me. It's still very difficult and I imagine it would be worse if we were more involved in each others lives. I really don't know the answer. I suspect he would adapt if less people accepted it but those closest seem to enable it for reasons unknown to me.

If you want to talk with him, you are allowed to set boundaries about what is an acceptable topic of conversation with you. But you do have to hold firm on them- if you ask him not to make fun of people with disabilities, but he does it anyway, you have to react. It's usually best to do this immediately after he does it. The first time, you might just say something like, "I didn't like that comment" or "You're doing it again". If he won't stop even when you ask him not to and point out when he is doing it, then you will need to leave/hang up/ask him to leave (it will be easiest if you do this at first in a space where you can leave rather than getting him to leave).

Hmmm, I wonder why he doesn't have many friends...

The evidence in the "good heart" column is pretty slim.

I would have your husband tell him that he is welcome in your home, but not his rudeness. And then pull him up every single time.

If he's become disabled later than birth then his bigoted comments could potentially be his way of trying to cope.

However, your pointing out that it isn't acceptable, in the long run would be doing him a favour.

If you let him know that saying "Hurr hurr, look at that spaz" is unacceptable, and be very clear that it's not kind or respectful to make fun of anyone for something they can't help, maybe he'll get the message that he can expect respect as a human being still despite his disability.

Maybe. Or maybe he's just a dick.

Was he in armed forces/police/security?

Okay. I‘ll give you some evidence for the good hear column.
He actually donates a lot for charity and he collects money for charity... both on private celebrations but also stand out there with a donation box in the lousy, lousy weather.
He sometimes volunteers for a good cause, even helped to build raised garden bed for the disabled. So he does not really hate the disabled, he just likes to crack jokes at their cost.

Dh used to strugglers his weight and was very unhappy with this. Now he has lost one weight. However bil used to be so mean, called him fat and ugly talked about his fat ass. OTOH he cheered on him for trying to loose weight, collected some weight loss recipes for us and so on.

I guess what I want to say is that his actions are not nearly as bad as his word.

I point out that his comments are not acceptable all of the time but he just laughs at me and makes misogynist comments about me like asking dh: why did you allow her to come out of the kitchen and talk?
He was drunk when he sad this, thaught his joke was so hilarious. Dh said something rude back. Dh is never so rude but when he is with bil he needs to be. Bil thaught it was hilarious, could not stop laughing and cracking rude jokes and was enjoying himself.

When this happened he was staying at our place because his fiancé had kicked him out of their house which they actually rented together. She has kicked him out afew times, but always took him back.

So I did not want to send him away. Otherwise I would have done it.

I see no evidence of him having a big heart there, Confused. Giving money to charity isn't being big-hearted. Lots of people do it. The jokes you describe are not funny at all. And turning his attentions to you like that is abusive, not humourous.

And your husband is joining in with the jokes, and is allowing him to make jokes at your expense. That's really inappropriate.

Dh does not join him in cracking rude jokes. That was not what I wanted to say but he is rude back at bil.
When bil made this misogynist comment dh said: shut you stupid pie hole, your drunk... and that’s not those language dh typically uses cause dh is such a wellspoken and gentle man.

OP - Savil used to collect a lot for charity. Would he be in the 'good heart' column ?

Your BIL sounds awful. I get that your DH thinks he great; I'd make sure your DH and BIL saw each other away from you. I would not want my kids within earshot of BIL, and I'd tell DH so.

I see your point, but he is not like Savile.
Dh likes him a lot and I am pretty sure he will not accept it if I said BIL may not come to our house anymore.
Maybe I am naive but I think he has a good heart. I think most people do.
So I want to change him or to find a way to accept him just as he is. Has anybody been there?