How do you cope with a relative who is rude and unfriendly but has a good heart?

[ConfusedWife1234]

My dh has a brother who is in his twenties. He is close with his brother, especially one of his brothers and this brother has been so friendly and caring with him lately but BIL can be a total PITA.
He can be such a bigot, he jokes about the disabled. He actually has a disability himself, but jokes about people who have a different disability. He jokes about the elderly. He jokes about the people he considers ugly and so on.
Unfortunately he can be very snobby and considers himself to be superior to everybody else and he is a potty mouth. Sometimes I think he likes „playing a role“ cause he cannot possibly be that snobby.

However dh loves him dearly, trusts him. Dh does not trust many people and the brother was sensing dh was not feeling well and was so friendly with him.

I think he is making an effort to be nicer lately but actually I still feel that I cannot stand him... but feel I should like him.

"So I want to change him or to find a way to accept him just as he is"

Well you will not be able to do either, you need to find a third way and that is for your own self to have higher and better boundaries re people. I think you are naïve and want to see the good in him regardless of the evidence in front of your very eyes. The man is playing you here for a fool and your H has not had your back here either.

Why do you need to do either of the above?. The first one here is impossible to achieve (its hard enough changing even one of your own behaviours let alone someone else's and that is impossible) and the second does not seem ideal either.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, was your childhood for instance really sheltered?.

Why do you feel you have to like him, would you put up with this from a friend?. Probably not but your boundaries are too low here re him in any case.

Apart from anything else he is a poor role model to be showing your children. He seems to be a hypocrite of the highest order, he is certainly not trying at all to be nicer towards you or anyone else he comes across.

AttilaTheMeerkat I do think my childhood was very sheltered. I am however from a group of people to whom the clan (so to speak, we have another word for that) means a lot.
My dh is the oldest son, of the oldest son and that means he enjoys a lot of privilege his younger siblings do not enjoy and BIL totally accepts that. So I do think that not allowing him to come to our house would send a horrible signal both to him and also to the rest of the family.
Apart from that I do feel sorry for him because he is not getting along well with his fiancé, does not have many friends and so on... and I do think he is really trying to be nicer.

BTW just in case you wonder: Making fun of the elderly, the disabled, the fat and so on is NOT okay in that culture. In fact the elderly are highly respected.

You don't have to forbid him to visit your home.

But you absolutely can forbid him to say such offensive things while he is visiting you.

You'd be doing him a favour. If he's trying to be nicer but still behaving this way, your pointing out to him how rude he's being can only be a step in the right direction.

When I tell him to stop he just makes fun of me. He thinks that it is hilarious when people hate what he says. He maybe likes the attention.

However I think I will tell him in a quiet moment, when he has not just made an offensive joke how much I hate it.

I wouldn't focus on your feelings because then he can make out it's all about you being boring, or a prude, etc--just as he is doing now. Tell him that the things he says are offensive, that he's hurting everyone, that he's making himself look ridiculous or foolish.

And if he does try to turn it back onto you, tell him he's welcome to behave however he likes when he's in his own home, but when he's visiting you he can either behave acceptably or he can leave. No negotiating.

Be friendly when you see him but limit contact as much as possible.

So I have talked to him again. He said he was just joking, did not really seem to see my point.

He wasn't prepared to listen. He's an arse.

It doesn't matter if he was joking or not. He shouldn't behave that way in your house.

When he tells a horrible joke look him straight in the eye with a deadpan expression and say 'I don't get it, why is is that funny?' Especially do this if lots of people are listening.

He will either be uncomfortable because he knows he's being a dick or show that he really is a horrible person and there is no hope for him.

It sounds like he is just bitter about his disability tbh and finds it easier to slag other people off than deal with his own issues. (think closet gay people who are massive homophobes)